Just Saying No

[jwi71]

Why is this posted again?

You resisted your personal trainer's pass.

Who you find yummy with a hot body.

Who is married.

Who you are attracted to.

Who wants to bet his M is crap, that it's been dead for years, he stays for the kids, he didn't really want to marry her to begin with, they sleep in different rooms, they never have sex anymore, there is a mystical connection between Jelly and himself and he is going to file for D with her help....

 

Anyone? I'm giving good odds....act now and get a free set of ginzu knives which can cut through anything except MM bull****...

[OWoman]

I fail to get the point of this thread.

 

It seems to me like going over to an AA forum and posting about how I declined a glass of wine at a party last night, so wtf did they ever start drinking.

 

Or posting on the Divorce boards about how I turned down a proposal, so why were they stupid enough to get M in the first place.

 

Hey, I can do smug too. But I get my fun elsewhere (and will, once my H comes home).

[Art_Critic]

Just think of all the other customers that he is banging.. his poor wife...

 

If he hit on you that way then he hits on others too... think of it that way.. which is most likely closer to the truth...

[jj33]

Loads of them do it. I fired one who hit on me. Its so insulting. Jilly whats going on that you need that kind of attention from someone who is married and has a stable of women he is training who he must hit on when the mood suits him?

 

Does he charge extra for that? Expect an extra tip? Please... its like a cheesy novel (or again a porn film plot...) Maybe business is slow with the economy being down and hes so vain he thinks if he offers "extra perks" he'll get more business?

[1Angel]

He knew what he was doing when he asked to use your restroom. Personally I would have said no when he asked. Poor baby gonna pee his pants if he can't hold it until he gets down the street to find a McDonald's or 711? . If so too bad not my problem. It doesn't matter if you knew him five days or five years.

[Ariadne]

He knew what he was doing when he asked to use your restroom.

 

He knew what he was doing when he offered a ride and she took it.

[Woggle]

Why one earth would you be attracted to this guy? Nothing wrong letting him pee but he is trying to put the moves on you and I hope you don't fall for it.

[whichwayisup]

There is a point in which all OW/OM can make a conscious decision and choice, exercise a little self-control and NOT involve themselves with a married person. See how I did it? It's really not that hard, and ultimately, will spare EVERYONE involved a lot of pain, heartache, disappointment, drama, and unhappiness.

 

One main difference is, you like him as a friend and aren't emotionally attached to him. You haven't thought of him in that way, had fantasies about him..To you he was just your trainer making a move on you and you easily said no. Most of the OW who fall for their MM are totally inlove with them and obviously saying no is alot harder when one has invested emotion into someone else.

 

Haven't read this thread yet and I hope an interesting discussion can happen, respectfully and no name calling.

[Jilly Bean]

I felt a HUGE attraction to my recently divorced neighbor last year. Besides a huge age gap, cultural and racial differences - we got along great. I was helping him help his son manage the divorce and the custody battle that was about to brew up.

 

When I say I felt an attraction, I'm talking from him to me. But he backed waaaaaay off right around the time that I noticed it. Back to waving from across the street and saying hi when we see each other. No more long talks in his kitchen about his D or his son.

 

We spoke so much, my H started calling him my boyfriend. LOL

 

Second to workplaces, aren't neighbors the other biggest group engaging in affairs?

 

That's so interesting. That he felt it and pulled back, I mean.

 

When I first moved into my current neighborhood, I became friendly with a neighbor, who is my age. She offered to send her husband over any time to help with anything I needed done around the house. While most likely an innocent offer, it made me very uncomfortable, as I didn't want to be alone with her husband. Just didn't seem appropriate.

 

BOLDJACK - good for you. That's what I'm talking about. Having a little self-control, self-respect and wisdom.

 

Art - very possibly. I suppose if I have any genuine interest in him, that would have crossed my mind, but since he shall remain my trainer and nothing more, it's fine for him to do as he likes. But no, I don't think I am necessarily singled out, more likely, lumped in with a few others. lol

 

WWIU - I get your point, but still, my contention is why does someone even bother to GET emotionally involved with someone who is married? How do they even let it get that far? Easily, as with my trainer, we could start hanging out, going for lunch here and there, sharing more of our lives and time with each other... and then boom. I'm entangled emotionally, and sex is the next step. But, I'm chosing to NOT even pursue any type of extra-curricular friendship with him. And everyone who gets themselves involved with a married person had the same ability to make the same choice.

[Jilly Bean]

I find the main point being that it disabuses everyone of that silly notion that is the perennial excuse of affair partners that "they can't help who they fall in love with."

 

Again, you CANNOT fall in love until you actively pursue the feelings of attraction.

 

Jilly was attracted. She did NOT act on it, hence, she didn't spend the time it would take to fall in love. If she wants to pursue it in the future, she will prudently wait to do so until he is single. Although, I doubt she would pursue him because, after all, if he's married now and trying to cheat...

 

Exactly right, Donna.

 

True, we can't help who we fall in love with, but we certainly can control who we consider to be candidates.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU - I get your point, but still, my contention is why does someone even bother to GET emotionally involved with someone who is married? How do they even let it get that far? Easily, as with my trainer, we could start hanging out, going for lunch here and there, sharing more of our lives and time with each other... and then boom. I'm entangled emotionally, and sex is the next step. But, I'm chosing to NOT even pursue any type of extra-curricular friendship with him. And everyone who gets themselves involved with a married person had the same ability to make the same choice

Depends I guess the frame of mind of the person, what they're going through, how they feel about themselves, self esteem could be a problem too, or maybe they're just bored and getting an ego feed. It's probably different for each person as to why they would allow themselves to fall or get involved with a MP.

 

You are right, everyone does have a choice.

[whichwayisup]

True, we can't help who we fall in love with, but we certainly can control who we consider to be candidates.

 

Definately! It's easy to become attracted to another person, it's just how one handles it is the key. Just because there's sexual tension between two people and one of them is married, doesn't mean that sex has to happen or an affair has to start. One would think that the MP would realize this, keep it in check and back off, same goes for an OW/OM, but when the lines get crossed, ego's get fed, selfishness kicks in, boom, the affair does happen.

[boldjack]

It's sometimes very hard to say no. Especially if it's standing in front of you , all warm and jiggly and willing. What stops me is that my W is warmer, jigglier and more willing!! Seriously, will power is one of the most important attributes of maturity, that a person can possess. We have always taught our kids to understand the concept of boundaries, and to set them according to what is acceptable to them. And to make them stick!! BTW Jill, if it had been YOU, I don't know if I could resist your charm.

[Gamine]

Good for you, Jilly. The trait that distinguishes us from the animals is our ability to reason. Sure seems like you have excellent reasoning skills along with backbone, self esteem, and self love. Like you said there are plenty of men out there no need to get into a 'timeshare'.

[boldjack]

NID, I think that you are right about neighbors. I think that affairs usually are between 1) co-workers 2) neighbors 3) FORMER GF/BF'S 4) strangers. As you also know, I have had to use a LOT of will power, recently.:D

[Adunaphel]

Yesterday, my extremely hot trainer gave me a ride home from the gym (I live about a mile away, so I walked up, hence no car).

 

We have known each other for years, and he is a pro body builder, so, suffice to say, he is not only physically magnificent looking, but also a total sweetheart. And very married.

 

When he dropped me off, he asked if he could use the restroom. Er, sure.

 

Afterwards, he came out to the kitchen, noticed the pool, and walked outside.

 

I followed him to the pool, and once outside, we were standing up, chatting for a few minutes about who knows what (nothing important - probably fitness), and then he leaned in to kiss me.

 

Ut, oh!

 

Now, again, I find him very attractive, and I love his personality. In another scenario, ie. he was SINGLE, I would have been all over it.

 

HOWEVER, HE IS MARRIED.

 

So, I politely declined the advance, and told him it was best to NOT complicate our friendship.

 

I thought about it later, because he really is very yummy, and then I thought to myself how I SO don't want to be "that person".

 

The point of all this, is that for all of the OW and OM who say they just couldn't help themselves, ah, BS on that.

 

There is a point in which all OW/OM can make a conscious decision and choice, exercise a little self-control and NOT involve themselves with a married person. See how I did it? It's really not that hard, and ultimately, will spare EVERYONE involved a lot of pain, heartache, disappointment, drama, and unhappiness.

 

 

Hello Jilly Bean,

it is great that you exercited some great self control and say no, but I would put your situation in the "it's easy to say no" cathegory.

 

It might sound silly, but it's much easier to say no to a fling with a very yummy looking trainer (whom you probably would not trust much if he were single, either) than saying no to some attention from a more average looking married person who seems to actually want to leave his marriage, expecially when you are feeling desperate for some love.

[Ariadne]

It's sometimes very hard to say no. Especially if it's standing in front of you , all warm and jiggly and willing. What stops me is that my W is warmer, jigglier and more willing!!

 

Yeah,

 

But in this case it is you who is married and chosing to stay faithful.

 

JB is single, and the married guy is the willing one.

 

Different situation.

 

Just remember this JB: you have excellent reasoning skills along with backbone, self esteem, and self love.

[boldjack]

Ariadne, I have also been a single man and have found MANY married women, who didn't have the willpower to say no.

[OpenBook]

It's sometimes very hard to say no. Especially if it's standing in front of you , all warm and jiggly and willing. What stops me is that my W is warmer, jigglier and more willing!! Seriously, will power is one of the most important attributes of maturity, that a person can possess. We have always taught our kids to understand the concept of boundaries, and to set them according to what is acceptable to them. And to make them stick!! BTW Jill, if it had been YOU, I don't know if I could resist your charm.

 

Um... boldjack does your "warmer, jigglier and more willing" W approve of how you flirt like this with other women?

 

I see several BS's getting on Jilly's case in this thread for "leading on" her trainer... but nobody jumps on an MM's case for doing the exact same thing (only a lot more blatantly, IMO).

 

Wonder why that is.

[whichwayisup]

If he hit on you that way then he hits on others too... think of it that way.. which is most likely closer to the truth...

 

I believe this too. There's NO WAY you're his first 'try to kiss another woman' move. He's done this before and probably figured you were interested in him. Well, now he knows you're not. What a fool!

 

Anyway, I hope he backs off, if not find another trainer. It's just not worth the possible drama.

[boldjack]

Openbook, Everything I say on LS is there for my wife to read. I have never flirted with my neighbor. She comes to MY farm, she only does this when my wife is away, and I have told my wife about every visit. I have never sought her out, given her compliments, or encouraged her in any way. She has been attracted to me for years, and because we live close by, the attraction remains. Why? I don't know, I'm older by 10 years, I never lead her to believe that anything will happen, and have always said no. She must have emotional issues, because she is always wanting , what she can't have.

[Adunaphel]

WWIU - I get your point, but still, my contention is why does someone even bother to GET emotionally involved with someone who is married? How do they even let it get that far? Easily, as with my trainer, we could start hanging out, going for lunch here and there, sharing more of our lives and time with each other... and then boom. I'm entangled emotionally, and sex is the next step. But, I'm chosing to NOT even pursue any type of extra-curricular friendship with him. And everyone who gets themselves involved with a married person had the same ability to make the same choice.

 

I missed this post, which makes a great point, but the explanation is relatively simple.

Many OW get to know married men well enough to develop feelings for them because they look innocuous. So in the MW's mind goes on something along the line of "well, he is married and he is clearly not looking for anything sexual, he is an okay guy, I can realax, it is safe to be myself with him".

 

I have been the OW twice. In the first case I was desperate for love and had a fling with a guy who was very short of a sexual predator.

The second (and hopefully last) time, I got to know and talk to a guy who seemed very okay to me. I had no interest in him, or perhaps I should say I did not realize I had interest in him. Let's say that he was married, he seemed not to be ever out of line, I assumed he was in a very happy marriage, and did not even ask myself if I could find himself interesting.

I guess that funnily enough I got into an affair with him also because he was so different from the other guy.

 

 

And that is usually the kind of person cheaters look for. At least those who are the cake eater type.

 

This is so true.

[boldjack]

OB, as far as "flirting", with Jill, this is the net, for crying out loud. I will never see Jill ( or anyone else) for that matter, from LS.

[NoIDidn't]

That's so interesting. That he felt it and pulled back, I mean.

 

When I first moved into my current neighborhood, I became friendly with a neighbor, who is my age. She offered to send her husband over any time to help with anything I needed done around the house. While most likely an innocent offer, it made me very uncomfortable, as I didn't want to be alone with her husband. Just didn't seem appropriate.

 

I guess it could be interesting. Our conversations were getting more personal and we both realized it was probably best to pull back. That we said nothing of this mutual decision to pull back, speaks about our commitment to our own families to not let attraction turn into drama.

 

I am not physically attracted to this neighbor. So I guess that makes it much easier to go back to being neighborly and stay away from personal issues. He's not bad looking. But to "handymanish" for me.

 

I think it was a basic case of neighbors helping each other that some people make out into so much more than what it was. You know, traumatic bonding (he was going through a divorce and asking for my advice on his son), and all. Sometimes that's all that an OP/MP pairing is: traumatic bonding that they mistook for love.

[Jilly Bean]

Many OW get to know married men well enough to develop feelings for them because they look innocuous. So in the MW's mind goes on something along the line of "well, he is married and he is clearly not looking for anything sexual, he is an okay guy, I can realax, it is safe to be myself with him".

 

See, I just can't buy this, A.

 

Why would a single woman be fostering such a friendship with a married man to begin with?

 

There's a line between being social and friendly in the workplace, or with neighbors, but we all know if the conversations start straying to the very personal, then you're asking for it.

 

I just think there should be some type of boundary established and maintained when dealing with opposite sex and married/single friendships.

 

I chat with many married men in the gym, or the coffee shop - and our dialogue is confined to talking about cars, the weather, politics... All very top of the trees and superficial. If any conversation started to veer into the personal, then the wall goes up, and game over.