Feeling like you're the doing the work...

[SophieA]

Do you sometimes feel like you're the one putting forth all the effort in your R? I've been feeling like that this week. I've been the one to initiate contact first. I've been the one to text/email hello in the morning. I've been the one to suggest times to meet on skype. (Which have been less and less lately.)

 

I realize that my bf is a medical student and he's busy....At the same time, is it really that hard to send a quick email?

 

I've decided to back off and let him come to me for awhile. Guess this post was more of a rant than anything else...

[Thornton]

I've been in a couple of LDRs. Whenever I found myself making all the effort in the relationship, it was usually because they guy in question was losing interest, and I was the one running after him trying to initiate contact. Similarly, when I was in an LDR in which I was the one losing interest, my bf was running after me and I always had something better to do than answering his emails and calls. If you're the one doing the running, it's never a good sign. Being a medical student is no excuse - I was writing a PhD thesis and I still made an effort to stay in touch with my bf.

[northstar1]

Do you sometimes feel like you're the one putting forth all the effort in your R? I've been feeling like that this week. I've been the one to initiate contact first. I've been the one to text/email hello in the morning. I've been the one to suggest times to meet on skype. (Which have been less and less lately.)

 

I realize that my bf is a medical student and he's busy....At the same time, is it really that hard to send a quick email?

 

I've decided to back off and let him come to me for awhile. Guess this post was more of a rant than anything else...

 

Well, I think you either have to keep yourself busy with your own life, so you aren't so focussed on this frustration and accept that it may not get better until he's either done school, or you move there..........or you tell him that you ain't feelin the love and see if he makes an effort. If not, then you have to decide if you want to put up with it.

[Ashbash11]

I disagree with Thornton. First of all, it depends on the couple. Some people, when they get busy, communicate less. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love you less, or that they are "losing interest." It sucks, but it's just a fact of life. Sophie A, you say "this week." Does that mean this has only been a recent problem, or does this happen often?

 

I can relate. My boyfriend and I have had up's and down's with communication. He has an odd job with odd hours (he works nights) so sometimes, 4-5 days will go by without a word from him. I assumed what Thornton said, he's losing interest, etc. BUT, that wasn't true. His job consumed a lot of his time, and being awake at night made him lose track of what day or time it was. What helped, was when we had a visit, and I explained my frustration to him. Since then, he's made a MUCH bigger effort to communicate. He's not a phone person, but he calls me because he knows that it makes me feel good to hear from him. Try expressing your feelings to your boyfriend, rather than simply backing off and disappearing. I've tried that technique, but a lot of guys are dense and they might not understand why you're doing that.

[musgrrl]

I disagree with Thornton. First of all, it depends on the couple. Some people, when they get busy, communicate less. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love you less, or that they are "losing interest." It sucks, but it's just a fact of life. Sophie A, you say "this week." Does that mean this has only been a recent problem, or does this happen often?

 

I can relate. My boyfriend and I have had up's and down's with communication. He has an odd job with odd hours (he works nights) so sometimes, 4-5 days will go by without a word from him. I assumed what Thornton said, he's losing interest, etc. BUT, that wasn't true. His job consumed a lot of his time, and being awake at night made him lose track of what day or time it was. What helped, was when we had a visit, and I explained my frustration to him. Since then, he's made a MUCH bigger effort to communicate. He's not a phone person, but he calls me because he knows that it makes me feel good to hear from him. Try expressing your feelings to your boyfriend, rather than simply backing off and disappearing. I've tried that technique, but a lot of guys are dense and they might not understand why you're doing that.

 

I completely agree with this. My SO has the kind of job that keeps him extremely busy. I am beginning to understand more and more that some weeks I may not have much communication with him because his job is very demanding. If I make contact with him during those times, he does try to reciprocate. However, he communicates much better when his schedule calms down. It has nothing to do with losing interest. He's very much into our relationship. Don't make assumptions. Talk to him and find out what he thinks.

[hoping2heal]

I agree with talking to him about how it makes you feel vs. taking a passive aggressive route like withdrawing and seeing what happens. Because he is so busy he really may not notice a difference for awhile, and if that happens to you it will seem like him just not caring or withdrawing from the relationship, meanwhile he may think things are just fine, and what's the problem?

 

The best thing you can do is tell him your feelings, THEN see what kind of effort he makes.

 

At that, empathize deeply with his situation. If he doesn't have time for friends, social outings, etc. You know the guy has to be chalk busy and what he's going through is hard on him too, no matter what it's difficult for him too. I guess what I'm saying is it's important for you to be heard, but also make sure you've given yourself a chance to really be in his shoes and understand all the stress, pressure and demands he's under already.

[hisprincess4eva]

hey there sophieA....

from experience i will tell u that there will many days where you will find yourself being the one doing all the work. Sometimes you will sit there asking yourself..Does he love me?? does he even care about me after being together for so long?? why can't he jus msg back?? It's easy for us SO's to sit there and think of all these things, but its hard to be in their shoes and realize how hard each day gets. They have to memorize every single thing they hear, learn and see. Because on exam day all that will pop up and be tested on.

 

An advice i can give you is to not give up, no matter what. You will feel neglected, you will feel sad and you will cry many times. But remember the fact that they are with you is worth it. Its not hard to msg back.. its not hard to pick a date to skype. But med students have so many things running in thier head. Trustt me i've been there, my SO and i have both been there. and its hard, but so worth it.

 

Jus hang in there, be strong and don't let this weakness of your long distance get to you. i've been in the same situation you have been in and now i can tell you that i've came across it and im sure u will too.

[Thornton]

from experience i will tell u that there will many days where you will find yourself being the one doing all the work. Sometimes you will sit there asking yourself..Does he love me?? does he even care about me after being together for so long?? why can't he jus msg back??

Sorry, but I totally disagree with this. If you're doing all the work and you have to ask yourself whether he loves and cares about you, he probably doesn't and you're wasting your time. I'm 100% certain that my SO loves me and I never have to wonder whether or not he cares, because he shows me every day that he does.

 

An advice i can give you is to not give up, no matter what. You will feel neglected, you will feel sad and you will cry many times. But remember the fact that they are with you is worth it.

I disagree with this too: you think someone should put up with a load of crap and be a doormat, but never give up, no matter what? If you feel neglected and sad, and you "cry many times", then he is NOT worth it. No decent guy will make you cry or feel neglected and sad.

[musgrrl]

Thorton,

 

You must be luck enough to have a guy that's in a profession that allows for him to be able to show you a lot of attention. It's a little different for medical students and in my case, law enforcement officers. I know it's hard to believe, but a person can be so busy that they cannot always give you a lot of attention and still be very much in love with you.

 

I've seen a lot of posters respond the way you have on other sites and it leaves the original poster with the idea that their SO doesn't love them or is not interested anymore. I think before she jumps to the conclusion that he's not interested, she needs to talk with him. I would hate for her to make a decision to dump him when he is very much still in love with her but is just extremely busy.

[Thornton]

My bf works in finance for a major investment bank, and he often works 13 hour shifts and overtime at weekends. He still finds time to spend with me... he hasn't seen most of his friends in months though, hasn't read a book or watched tv since last year, because he spends every spare second with me - I guess I'm more important than anything else in his life.

 

As for me, even writing a PhD thesis and working a full-time job hasn't kept me away from him, although I had to cut other things from my life to make time for him, such as tv, nights out with friends, and even sleep... I've occasionally skipped a whole night's sleep just so I could find time to talk to him. I haven't had a night out in ten months, because I spend Fri/Sat nights online with him, and I spend most other evenings catching up on work while waiting for him to get home from work for an online chat. If I can write a PhD thesis and hold down a job while still maintaining an LDR with a 5 hour time difference, nobody else has an excuse... a PhD is a damn sight harder than a medical degree, and I can still find 30 seconds to send my bf a text to say I'm thinking of him.

[sb129]

My H and I spent the first 6 months of our R in a LDR and we both had busy, full time jobs at the time. He made me feel amazing and wonderful and I didn't have a second of doubt about our R- in fact I have never had any doubt about our R, it was easier to be LD with him than it was to be with my ex who lived down the road.

 

I agree with Thornton- if you are truly in love with someone, you always make the time to send a text or make a phone call, even if its only for a couple of minutes.

[hoping2heal]

Yeah we are lucky ladies. My boo boo works very very hard, doing very intensive work, that is extremely stressful and time consuming. But he makes time for me every day and I'm greatful for it. He definately shows me how much he cares by the time he makes for me, because I know how much more precious it is for him when he is so overloaded. I love him.

[Els]

If it is only for the week, I'd suggest that you just wait it out and see. Is he having exams or anything in particular this week? How often are you talking now?

 

I don't think it's so much about the time as it is about the stress. I don't know about your bf's medical school but for mine, if you fail any two tests (and there are many many many tests a year -- some are just a ten minute clinical examination, imagine that, ten minutes deciding your entire future!), you automatically retake the entire year. Talk about pressure! One year is insanely expensive. So he does have times when the relationship is a very distant second in his mind as compared to his studies.

 

Am I happy about that? No. But I realize that this is the way it has to be. It's not healthy for him to put me above medical school, and I wouldn't want him to. He does leave his Skype on always though, so I see him studying even though he doesn't much want to talk. Maybe you could make arrangements for him to do that?

 

Also, what I'm trying to say is that it's just bull.. if a guy with a stressful career/course goes rather distant for a week, it does NOT definitely mean that he's losing interest. He might be, but he might not. Despite all of the above, my guy paid 5000 dollars (of our currency, and he's poor) and took a 12 hour flight to see me during the only long holiday of his term. No family here, no friends, only me. If that doesn't show that he cares, I don't know what does.

 

I myself am not good with the ups and downs. I am just TERRIFIED about going back to LD in a week's time. But I sure hope you'll be better.

[musgrrl]

Elswyth is exactly right. I think before making any decision about someone because for a week they didn't make you #1, you should talk it out. These other ladies clearly wouldn't give a person who is under the stress of your SO the time of day, because he wouldn't put you first all the time. I think it's important to realize that there are sometimes when you may be #2, but if it's not all the time then I wouldn't sweat it.

[sb129]

Of course I would certainly give my H the time of day when he is under stress and "unable to put me first"

(and we are married now, so I would consider that LDR ended up being a successful one even though it wasn't always easy)

 

My H would have had (and does have) the consideration to say "This week is going to be extra tough, and I am going to be very busy- I promise I will make it up to you later if you have patience this week/month/ whatever". Easy reassurance in one sentence.

 

The OPs BF hasn't even done that, she is left to work it out for herself, and she is clearly the kind of person who needs reassurance. A R goes both ways.

 

Elswyths BF gives her that reassurance- the OPs BF, to my knowledge, doesn't at the present time.

[hoping2heal]

Yeah, we have all stated our bf's are very very busy. We still give them the time of the day, and are very loyal loyal and love them very much. I actually feel bad kind of, last night I made my bf a thankyou card, because he's been so supportive the last few days (well, if I look back; anytime I've really needed him, he's been amaaazing). Anyhow, he made a comment that he hasn't been able to give me a lot of time, and I was like whaaaaat. He makes time for me every single day, and makes me feel special every single day, and I know what a big sacrifice that is at times of his time, because it can interfere with his sleep schedule, or etc.

 

The first time I heard him get excited over what he's doing, it was all over for me from then on. I could never really feel bad or upset about the time he spends on what he's doing because it genuinely brings him so much joy, seeing him so happy just touched my heart and made ME feel happy.

 

He's wonderful and very caring and I'm lucky to have him .

 

As I posted earlier, I'm not going to suggest OP's bf doesn't love or care about her, I think it's important she talks with him. She also said this week, so it's not like this is a constant thing.

[Mrs_AJ]

I'm sorry but I agee with Thornton too Sophie. Also where have u been all my Loveshack life??? I'm in the same situation as you. =)

 

My SO is a medical student as well in the States and I myself am a medical student in the UK. We've known each other for the past 9 months and we'll be seeing each other for the first time this August. =)

 

Now, there is a slight difference in terms of our time tables, pressure of school etc. He seems to have lots more pressurised environment than I have. They seem to have lots of exams, assignments etc. Me, I've got pockets of clinical rotations (i.e. better spacing of my time) with end exams.

 

My finals are coming up and I still find the time to text him, email and try to catch him on skype/msngr. Why? Because I do. It comes naturally if you love someone. It's like a need. If I'm busy, so busy that I haven't even got my head together for tomrws classes, the least I can do is to text him before bed time. Takes me a couple of minutes and he receives it as his evening is just starting off. And I get a text back and it's sweet to keep in touch although we're busy.

 

Sadly, I would say that I still do the majority of the chasing. I email, i ask him to come online to chat, I initiate texts (unless he hasn heard from me for days) etc. I've spent the past 49min waiting for him to log on as we decided to meet ...50min ago. However he often has problems with his internet, the connection cuts and so on. 50 min of my time before finals. Weeehoo.

 

So yes, I feel neglected, sad and I cried about it today...and on many other occasions. I know fo a fact that if I didn't have feelings for him, i wouldn't bother. Stupid cow!

 

I've got exams and I'm cryin about the fact that he didn't text me on friday night to tell me how his exam had gone. And the funniest thing is that I have pointed this out. I've pointed out the fact that it's easy to send a text, a quick email or leave me a message offline. Well he's good with the offline messages lately. But texts...pahh...I;ve sent him two emails this week but no response to them as in emailing back. And it's just...it upsets me. I've done the whole withdraw thing but unluck me he got ill those days and I looked like the stupid neglectfull girlfriend. And why should I withdraw? All I'm asking for is common sense!!

 

Ok rant over.

 

No but seriously I've decided to be patient about this till when I see him. I will then make it clear that if this is what he has to offer me in terms of communication...then no, I don;t think I can accept it. It's unecessary stress, especially for a LDR were communication is survival for a relationship, and especially when stress is in surplus in my life.

 

So Sophie... if he thinks you don't understand him, blahblah. Bull****. Tell him to at least text u in he evnings, or leave u a message online, or whatever. It's not hard, no matter what you have to do as a medical student. Tell him to do it as he's waiting for the bus, or walking somewhere. 5 min of his time? Surely you're worth more. And if you're just asking for basic communication to be upheld fair enough. But if you're asking for 2 hrs of his evening time for chatting...forget it. He's a medical student. We're like hermits...or are does that make sense?

 

Bloody hell, it's almost 2am...sleeeepppp

 

Wish u the best Sophie,

 

Hugs

 

x

 

p.s. sorry for the hijacking....sleeeppp

[princess4ever]

I was going to start a thread on this but after reading this i feel soo spoilt and selfish. I'm in a ldr and we talk everyday and email atleast once a day. lately i just feel like he is to busy and our 4 hr long convos have become just about an hour or so but i guess i am selfish and should be happy with what i have. I seem to be the one that always initiates a conversation though and maybe he is just getting bored and nothing to talk about.

 

I would suggest making urself scarce but i tried that once myself and it didn't work too well.

[Land Shark]

That's how I feel about LS. I feel like I carry this place. I give and give.

[SophieA]

Thanks to everyone who replied to my little rant! I wasn't expecting so many replies! And I want to send a BIG SHOUT OUT to the girls that are in the same/similar situation as me

 

(Elswyth- you're always a big help! And it's nice to "meet" you Mrs AJ--by the way, do med students EVER sleep? LOL! and hello again to Hisprincess)

 

Anyway, since I posted he's been in touch several times and I'm feeling better about our level of communication. He's got tests coming up midweek and wants to make sure he focuses because "I've got things to get done so when you come visit in 10 days I can be 100% yours!" awww

[Bayern]

Do you sometimes feel like you're the one putting forth all the effort in your R? I've been feeling like that this week. I've been the one to initiate contact first. I've been the one to text/email hello in the morning. I've been the one to suggest times to meet on skype. (Which have been less and less lately.)

 

I realize that my bf is a medical student and he's busy....At the same time, is it really that hard to send a quick email?

 

I've decided to back off and let him come to me for awhile. Guess this post was more of a rant than anything else...

 

I know what you mean. I don't know if you have the non-response problem, but is "Hey, sorry I can't talk now" that hard to say? It's a good idea to give him a chance to come to you. Not only may it give him a time to relax (everyone needs time off from people. Even those you love most like family), but maybe he'll realize he took it for granted. When talking to people it always makes me feel good to have them contact me (maybe he feels that way), but I make sure I do an equal share because it wouldn't be fair otherwise.

 

Ranting is good to let it out, eh?

 

EDIT: Didn't read the last post, but uh...you get my drift.

[araven]

I was in the same situation with my ex once. We ended up breaking up over it because nagged a lot about it. She got really busy and I understood that we couldn't talk as much, but I always thought, How much time does it take to send a short text?

When I was the busier one, I always made time for her, and when she became busy she didn't make time for me.

My suggestion is just to talk to him about it once, and then just become busy yourself. Get new hobbies and find things you enjoy to fill in the time that you wish you could be talking to him.

[sunshine2031]

Does he respond to your emails and calls within the same day? I don't think having a busy schedule may cause someone to initiate contact with their SO at varied or odd times, but it does not excuse them from never initiating contact. Perhaps when he wakes up in the morning the first thing on his mind is some huge exam he's been cramming for and he's trying to squeeze in a few morning minutes of study time beforehand. In that case I don't blame him for not initiating a goodmorning text/email. *However*, there's no good reason for him not to initiate a quick call after he's done with the exam that day. I think you should tell him how you feel, if you don't see any change in his behavior, then you have to decide if you're willing to accept the relationship the way it is. His busy schedule won't end after medical school. Residency will be incredibly busy too. For that matter...if he choses to go into a demanding medical specialty, he may be "busy" for the rest of his career.