newcastle77 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 My wife just asked me for a divorce and is currently talking to another man that she deems is just a friend. Though they have already met together and kissed and hugged. She says she is tired of teh way I have emotionally abandoned her and my own infidelity over the years and I own up to that. However, I am in love with my wife and very committed to the marriage. I am confused if I should be even worried about this guy and what part he is playing if any. She told me that it is over between them but she is still talking to him on the phone and who knows what else. i asked her for reconcilliation but she says no! Is it being influenced by this guy or not and do I have a chance to get my wife back? Also any advice on how to handle it now. The paperwork has not arrived so I still see hope but not much. Any advice woudl be great. P.S. This is the most empty I have ever felt in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
mard40 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 You are probably in for a long ordeal. She has likely been thinking about leaving for some time and the OM is just now giving her the emotional strength necessary to initiate the break up. Think of him as a symptom of the problem, not the cause of the problem. There are probably deeper underlying problems leading up to this. Let me ask you this... Did she use to nag and get onto you about things, and complain about things until you thought you were going to go crazy and you used to have fantasy's about leaving? And then sometime, maybe about a year ago, all that nagging kind of died down to the point where you were starting feeling better about your marriage and her in general? Well my friend, when the nagging stopped that was her giving up. All that time between then and now was just her thinking and working up the courage to end things. The very worst thing you could do right now is cry, beg, plead, try to guilt her back into working on the marriage. Believe me, she's not feeling it right now. Try very hard not to do any of that. I know it will be very hard right now when the emotions are so raw, but trust me if you act that way you will drive her away very quickly! You might ask her if she's willing to go to counseling, but if she says no, drop it. As much as you can, try to detach from her and the situation. I don't mean ignore her, but try not to obsess. Get into counseling and unload there, or unload here. Just don't unload on her. she won't want to hear it. It will drive her away. I know that will be hard because she is the person you are used to sharing intimate things with. When you are around her don't be a sad sack, all depressed and weepy, and needy. Try to act like the person she fell in love with in the first place. Try to be funny. Try to adopt an air of indifference to what she's doing. Go out and do fun things. Not necessarily with her. Show her what she'll be missing. It will make you seem mysterious and fun. Anyway, that's good for a start. I'm sure some others will chime in here with some other good advice. Do you have any kids? Link to post Share on other sites
mard40 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Newcastle, Think about these lyrics from the great Bruce Springsteen: [FONT=helvetica, arial]You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart This gun's for hire Even if we're just dancing in the dark You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart Take care, be strong! The next year or so might suck but you'll come out happier on the other side. Trust Me! [/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Mard gave very solid advice, following it will give you the best chance at saving your marriage. I'm living proof it works, let me know if you need to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 Mard 40, thanks for the advice. Yes we do have 2 kids, 6 and 2. Yes, she used to nag and then it stopped but she is still mad at me because she was hollering at me the other day. I will for sure follow it. I want this to work so I will unload here on this forum. I am glad I ran into it. So what happens if I get the papers anytime soon? Sign them and just be resigned that it is over? Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Mard 40, thanks for the advice. Yes we do have 2 kids, 6 and 2. Yes, she used to nag and then it stopped but she is still mad at me because she was hollering at me the other day. I will for sure follow it. I want this to work so I will unload here on this forum. I am glad I ran into it. So what happens if I get the papers anytime soon? Sign them and just be resigned that it is over? Mard40 has given you good advise. Right now is the time to start protecting yourself and self-assessing your role in the decline of your marriage as not to repeat the same mistakes in the future. Most often than not, when the nagging dies, its a wrap. When a woman says its over, it is over, better believe her. You have to start moving on emotionally, mentally, physically and most importantly - FINANCIALLY. Take care of your kids, separate your bank accounts and do not support her "habits". Define your boundaries now, do not accept the hollering, the conversations with her should be about the welfare of the kids and bills and nothing more. Buckle up, you are in for a bumpy ride but you will and can and must come out stronger and a better man. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Newcastle, take the advice these guys give you. I'm living through a very similar situation >>http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/ I made all the wrong moves, begged, pleaded, got depressed. It drove her right out the door. I have gotten my papers, and she wants to get her stuff, yet still I don't give up hope that she will change her mind. You cannot change it for her, I tried, just focus on yourself, and your part of the breakdown anything else will work against you. Keep posting TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
mard40 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 The kids make it a lot harder, I'm sorry. You have to try to separate the legal from the emotional. Should you sign the papers? If she's offering you a good deal, sure why not? Hate to be crass but you might get a better offer from her if she's still feeling guilty about dropping the bomb on you. If she's trying to rob you blind, hell no don't sign it! Run any divorce settlement agreement by a lawyer. If it's a good deal and you can live with it, property, custody, child support wise, you can sign it if you want to. It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't really mean anything as far as your feelings for your W or hers for you. The only thing is if you try to fight her just for the sake of fighting and drag things out even though she's offering you a fair deal, it will just tick her off. Sometimes it's better to get the legal stuff out of the way so that money issues, child visitation schedules, custody issues are off the table. One less thing to fight about. then you can start working on yourself and making you the best person you can. So that you'll be more attractive to her or the next gal that comes along. Most people who are divorced can tell you a story something like this: When my wife of 15 years dropped the bomb on me I did all the things I warned you against: I cried, pleaded, begged, tried to guilt her into working on the marriage. I said things like "How can you do this to our kids!" and "You're breaking up our home!" Just totally drove the poor girl nuts! She had a lot of strength to persevere through all that and successfully kick my butt to the curb. She was cold as ice woman all throughout the separation and divorce, and my sad sack couple of months after the divorce. Then all of a sudden about four months post divorce, I decided it was time to move on, so I detached from her. And on my days I didn't have the kids I started going out and doing fun things. I signed up for a tennis league and met a bunch of new friends, got a motorcycle and a mountain bike and started riding. Moved into a cool little house. Got me a new little girlfriend that was crazy about me and gave me all the attention I was starved for all those bad years with the ex. Started taking ballroom dancing lessons, etc... Just generally started having fun, and enjoying life, and being happy. Exactly what I was not the last several years of our marriage. Can you guess what happened next? That's right! You see, the ex wife was noticing these things even though I wasn't intending them for her benefit. She starts thinking Wow! that guy's not so bad after all, maybe I made a mistake! Then I start getting calls, and cakes on my birthday, and emails about maybe we can work things out? The only problem was by that time I wasn't really interested in working things out. I was enjoying my life too much!! I had moved on! The advice I gave above is kind of like faking it. It will keep you from driving her any further away, but she probably won't believe the changes until they are real. Even if you think it's over it's never really over, especially when you have kids. The sad part is they don't really believe the changes you've made until you have really and truly moved on, and by that time YOU may not want to reconcile. Anyway, a lot of that probably doesn't matter to you right now. The point I was trying to get across was the legal divorce really isn't the end that it seems to be. the emotional divorce doesn't happen until you both truly move one. And then even after that, who knows? Sometimes there can't be reconciliation until after the divorce and spending some quality time apart for both of you to see that the grass may not be that much greener. Remember!! You were fine before you met her weren't you? You'll be fine after she's gone... It just takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Great wisdom Mard. The OP needs to take it to heart. I couldn't possibly improve on your missive. To the OP, good luck, and use this as your wake up call. Don't make the same mistakes the next time. Link to post Share on other sites
lap561 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Man...it's like reading my own posts. Your story is so similar to mine. Coming here gives me the strength and courage to move on. It's the uncertainties that bothers me now, mostly finances. It hurts that we still sleep in the same room and knowing that she doesn't want to fix our marriage and that she doesn't need me anymore. Sorry to hijack this thread but I just want to let you know that I've made the same mistake of begging, crying and looking sad around her. All of this and she doesn't even look like she feels guilty about any of it. She's the one who changed. She's the one going around seeing other people. Why should we be the one to suffer through all this? Anyways, it's been a couple of days since I haven't talked to her about our situation. I'm just now slowly trying to gain my confidence and trying to do my own things. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 Well to be honest I was starting that also but friends were starting to tell me that I need to act more like what Mard40 was saying. I have been pretty consistent with my actions so I am starting to feel better and coming out of the whole. I am more concerned about my kids but hopefully they will be ok. Its funny because she and her sister say that what she is doing with the guy is not an affair, they are just talking as friends. Of course kissing a guy and hugging him is more than friendship. I asked her if she would end it and she would not say anything so that is a NO! She said recently that they did but i noticed on her phone bill that she is calling a 1-800 AT&T callign card so that his number does not show up on the bill. I guess she thinks I am stupid. Of course I can't see her facebook but I already know what she is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
busy_married_student Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I would only caution you about being too distant. You can "put on a show" to a certain extent, but if you are acting very different from yourself to win your spouse back, won't you have to keep up the charade to keep her? My ex cried and told me about how horrible he felt etc. I did feel bad and tried to be supportive. He would switch back and forth between "my life is over" and "I don't need you at all. I'm moving on". It seemed fake. However, not once did he actually try to get me back. He was so distant it was like he was saying "go ahead and leave, I don't need/want you around". I guess he thought that only rare "business" communication and not seeing each other ever would somehow make me miss him and want to get back together? maybe if i was a needy dependent woman that would have worked. I agree with the above poster who said you should be the man she fell in love with. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Start the 180 right now. Start gathering evidence, Keylogger for computer, detailed cell phone billing records, voice activated recorder. If you don't know who the OM is, find out. If he's married, let his wife know what's going on. Contact an Attorney and have D papers prepared. Once you've got evidence, confront her. Tell her she needs to make a choice, her marriage and family or the OM. Let her know if she chooses OM, she moves out immediately. If she chooses OM, have her served with D papers You need to stand up for yourself and be prepared to end it. Do not put up with her, her lies, and the way's she treating you. She's deep in the affair fog right now. It's going to take the 2X4 of reality to snap her out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 Seibert: She served papers to me already and said it was over. She does not want to be married anymore and has no feelings for me. I dont see her changing her mind and I think that her friends and boyfriend are telling her that it is time to leave me. Unfortunatly I can't log onto her laptop to put on the keylogger. Voice activated recorder? What is that? Link to post Share on other sites
lap561 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I would only caution you about being too distant. You can "put on a show" to a certain extent, but if you are acting very different from yourself to win your spouse back, won't you have to keep up the charade to keep her? My ex cried and told me about how horrible he felt etc. I did feel bad and tried to be supportive. He would switch back and forth between "my life is over" and "I don't need you at all. I'm moving on". It seemed fake. However, not once did he actually try to get me back. He was so distant it was like he was saying "go ahead and leave, I don't need/want you around". I guess he thought that only rare "business" communication and not seeing each other ever would somehow make me miss him and want to get back together? maybe if i was a needy dependent woman that would have worked. I agree with the above poster who said you should be the man she fell in love with. So how should one try to get you back? Guys here tell me to forget about her and take care of yourself. She asked for space but I don't know how that helps in getting back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 So she just sent me a txt just to tell me she is not going back to our church even though we had talked about that last week. Unbeleivable. Link to post Share on other sites
mard40 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 She asks for space... Give it to her! She wants a divorce... Give it to her! Your old relationship is dead as a doornail. Better believe it. There is no going back to that. Your only hope of getting her back is for you two to separate, maybe get divorced, let her live her life for awhile and you live your life for awhile. Find yourselves! You lose yourself in a long marriage, did you know that? You find yourself, she finds herself. Maybe you two can build a new relationship some months or years in the future. Maybe that means marriage, maybe friends, maybe something else. Either way it will be better than what you have now. Change is hard, but often necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 She just sent me a txt saying my pastor is on my side and she is sure everyone else will be. She said she is ready to get this over with. How should I respond? Link to post Share on other sites
mard40 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 She's chomping at the bit to divorce you. If she offers you a good deal, jump all over it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 Does it sound like I will get one even with a lawyer advising her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 Mard40-does this sound like what happened to you in regards to her chomping at the bit or was she more reluctant? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 The kids make it a lot harder, I'm sorry. You have to try to separate the legal from the emotional. Should you sign the papers? If she's offering you a good deal, sure why not? Hate to be crass but you might get a better offer from her if she's still feeling guilty about dropping the bomb on you. If she's trying to rob you blind, hell no don't sign it! Run any divorce settlement agreement by a lawyer. If it's a good deal and you can live with it, property, custody, child support wise, you can sign it if you want to. It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't really mean anything as far as your feelings for your W or hers for you. The only thing is if you try to fight her just for the sake of fighting and drag things out even though she's offering you a fair deal, it will just tick her off. Sometimes it's better to get the legal stuff out of the way so that money issues, child visitation schedules, custody issues are off the table. One less thing to fight about. then you can start working on yourself and making you the best person you can. So that you'll be more attractive to her or the next gal that comes along. Most people who are divorced can tell you a story something like this: When my wife of 15 years dropped the bomb on me I did all the things I warned you against: I cried, pleaded, begged, tried to guilt her into working on the marriage. I said things like "How can you do this to our kids!" and "You're breaking up our home!" Just totally drove the poor girl nuts! She had a lot of strength to persevere through all that and successfully kick my butt to the curb. She was cold as ice woman all throughout the separation and divorce, and my sad sack couple of months after the divorce. Then all of a sudden about four months post divorce, I decided it was time to move on, so I detached from her. And on my days I didn't have the kids I started going out and doing fun things. I signed up for a tennis league and met a bunch of new friends, got a motorcycle and a mountain bike and started riding. Moved into a cool little house. Got me a new little girlfriend that was crazy about me and gave me all the attention I was starved for all those bad years with the ex. Started taking ballroom dancing lessons, etc... Just generally started having fun, and enjoying life, and being happy. Exactly what I was not the last several years of our marriage. Can you guess what happened next? That's right! You see, the ex wife was noticing these things even though I wasn't intending them for her benefit. She starts thinking Wow! that guy's not so bad after all, maybe I made a mistake! Then I start getting calls, and cakes on my birthday, and emails about maybe we can work things out? The only problem was by that time I wasn't really interested in working things out. I was enjoying my life too much!! I had moved on! The advice I gave above is kind of like faking it. It will keep you from driving her any further away, but she probably won't believe the changes until they are real. Even if you think it's over it's never really over, especially when you have kids. The sad part is they don't really believe the changes you've made until you have really and truly moved on, and by that time YOU may not want to reconcile. Anyway, a lot of that probably doesn't matter to you right now. The point I was trying to get across was the legal divorce really isn't the end that it seems to be. the emotional divorce doesn't happen until you both truly move one. And then even after that, who knows? Sometimes there can't be reconciliation until after the divorce and spending some quality time apart for both of you to see that the grass may not be that much greener. Remember!! You were fine before you met her weren't you? You'll be fine after she's gone... It just takes time. Why didn't your ex wife start doing what you were doing? Why do you think she started coming back to you more so than you? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 get a lawyer, let him do all your talking. go totally nc with her,why subject yourself to more to more of her bullsh#t. let her think you've disappeared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 get a lawyer, let him do all your talking. go totally nc with her,why subject yourself to more to more of her bullsh#t. let her think you've disappeared. That's difficult when you have kids. I do think she is being a bit mean. I already have a lawyer. I hired one when she did. I have already started looking at places. I never expected her to be this mean about it but I guess you never know the character of people until they are in the most stressful situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcastle77 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 I do have one question. How do you advise I deal with the feelings of guilt I have for helping to wreck the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
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