Lonely, Scared, and Confused

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As a 16 year old sophomore, my ex boyfriend (AKA Freddy) and I broke things off in January of 2003. I was sceptible about dating him at first (just a feeling inside of me), but I really liked him. We had been dating for only 2 weeks, though it seemed much longer (probably because he came over to my house EVERY DAY). His actions in our relationship totally crushed me. Getting over him was so difficult, but I was managing.

 

In late February, I was keeping book at a youth basketball tournament. One of the refs there was a 20 year old guy, who I will refer to as Chris, who used to play basketball for my high school. We both knew my ex because he coached him in summer baseball, and I really thought this guy was cute and I was hoping to talk to him, so I proceeded with, "So, you know Freddy, huh??" Things took off right from there and we emailed eachother. I got the biggest butterflies in my stomach every time I got an email from him. Then, he drove 2 hours to my regional final basketball game (without me knowing) with his cousin, who is in my grade. There was a problem though. He had a girlfriend. Even though they hadn't seen or spoken to eachother in 6 weeks, he still was crazy about her. But somewhere in the mixt of me, she broke things off for various reasons that he knew. He was heartbroken of course. After emailing eachother for awhile, Chris and I started talking on the phone. The way we connected was amazing. I was falling for him big time and I felt like I was completely over Freddy. I tried to get his mind off his ex too. I really enjoyed talking to him and I even went over to his house a couple of times. Chris told me that he had feelings for me. He was a great kisser and every time I saw him I got tingles in me so bad. Sometimes I even snuck out of my house on school nights to see him. Sometime in late March, early April we had sex. It was the first time for me. I had thought about doing it before with my 2 previous boyfriends but I either thought that I wasn't ready, or that I didn't trust him. With Chris, I had no worries. I guess what was stopping me previously is that I was afraid of it hurting, or me getting pregnant. Needless to say, neither of them really occured and it was an amazing night.

 

From then on, we continued to "see" eachother, although we never officially went out. My age was a problem at the time too, and I knew this. I turned 17 in July and he turned 21 in September. He loves me, but claims that sometimes he's not sure in which way. He says that our personalities clash, and sometimes I see it, but everyone's personality clashes. I have to admitt that I became really attached to Chris. Maybe it was because of my previous relationship which made it seem "normal" that we were together 24-7. Chris is a busy guy who needs to balance a full-time job, college, and a social life. I wanted to be with him ALL the time or at least talk to him. I even tried to "push" things in our relationship.

 

To make a long story short: I KNOW my feelings for him are GENUWINE and REAL. I can honestly say that I LOVE Chris and I can seriously picture us being together in the end. We are so perfet for eachother, it's amazing. I just got too wound up in him I guess and I frustrate the living hell out of him, mostly on purpose cuz I know him so well that I know what gets to him and I push it. He's asked for space and I've given it to him for an extent, but I always manipulated him and made him feel guilty and we always went back to how we were: good friends, talk on the phone a lot, sex, movies, the whole scha-bang. Now Chris has CREATED space for himself. He pushed me away and I am heartbroken. He would love to be my friend, but for now he can't see us together, not in the way that I want. I am going crazy inside. He say that I should move on because I'm better than him. He also says that it's possible that we will get together but not now. I am so confused inside. I want him as my boyfriend. We are so perfect together but somewhere I messed up. I always play guilt-trips on him. I agree that this space is what maybe we both need, but it's so difficult. I know for certain that I am going to use this time to grow up. He will see me again for how I was when we met. He says he still has feelings for me and he finds me extremely attractive and says that he's never used me and I believe him. This is one of the reasons that he can't see me, because he's afraid that he'll give in. This time, he wants to make things work. He doesn't want to give in and I know he won't. And I am left so lonely. Where do I go from here? Will we both go out with new people and then realize that we miss eachother so much and we'll go back to eachother?? He had a spectacular day planned for my birthday but has put it on hold until the time "is right"...if the time never is right (like if he is seeing someone else in about 6 months), he will eventually just give me the gift but leave out the perfect day he had planned, the romantic hotel, and the sensational sex. I'm scared that we might not get together, and I'm scared on where I should go from here.

[ks7997]

My, My...to be young and in love again. There is absolutely no reason for you to wait. You can not put your life on hold just because timing is not right. Point is, what if it never is the right time? And that is a possibility, but it also does not mean your life is going to end. You made it before him, and oyu can make it after him. There are so many men and opportunities out there to stop living because of one man. Don't ever compromise your happiness, there is someone out there who will make you feel even better than he did, obviously, or this would be working for you. Basically, just live you life and let be what will be.