Is this unfair from her or what?

[craig841]

After recently discussing my first problem on here, I realised I had a far bigger one to deal with.

 

I have another female friend, also a musician, who I clicked with pretty instantly on meeting her. She came to my school and found herself a bf (one of my friends) fairly quickly who she is still going out with and she is going to try to stay together with him after he leaves school. She is in the year below me and I'm just about to leave school.

 

But what she has been doing over the past 4 months or so is steadily confusing me with kind of suggestive behaviour all while saying when directly questioned that she has a bf and is just friends with me.

 

This behaviour came across in a few ways: Firstly she once came up and started to grind me pretty heavily in a club when I knew her bf wasn't in the building. I dragged her away to ask her why she was doing that (I'm not the type of person who would continue that and forget my friend) and she just asked why friends couldn't dance together. My only response was that they can but not like that. Fair from me?

 

Then in smaller ways: she often says to me that I'm the most fascinating person she's ever met. She tells me that I'm exactly like her father (that could be good or bad I know but it makes me think a lot) and she says that my contact picture on her phone is her wearing one of those funny candy g strings on top of her leggings. She always comes to me for advice on big decisions and we talk on the phone about them at length. ALL while saying she wants to be friends.

 

I think it's also very obvious that my friend her bf is in it for the sex...I don't blame him tbh...but I don't think they have masses in common.

 

What is she trying to accomplish by this? It just stresses me out more and more because although she says she just wants to be friends some of her actions dictate otherwise. Help would be appreciated.

[berry_oh]

Maybe she is starting to look past her bf a little and maybe she's "testing the waters" with you a bit, if you know what I mean.

 

I think you did do a good thing by not accepting her dance offer. If she asked differently, like in a more calm and "just friends" way then i would say you were over thinking it.

 

She's probably seeing if you have any interest in her while also safeguarding herself a little by saying she just wants to stay friends.

 

So what else can you say about this? such as how is she and her bf? how do they get along?

[craig841]

They both polarize opinions a lot. She is seen as a bitch by many people but it was really a bad first impression which obviously stays with people. He can be exceptionally pompous and arrogant but if you see past that he's a genuinely nice guy.

 

She talks about him occasionally but never goes into masses of detail...the one time she phoned me up with a problem I asked her if she had talked to him and she said he probably wouldn't get it/listen. So I don't know for sure.

 

As for the dance, it wasn't even an offer...she pulled me behind her so I was hugging her from behind and she started grinding pretty heavily. So I stopped it then.

 

I thought for a while she was manipulating me but I guess that was an over think. Anyone else agree/disagree?

[berry_oh]

oh whoops, I misread the dancing part.

 

Anyway I dont think this is anything. I think she's just seeing you as a close friend, and i think you should leave it at that. Maybe she could be testing the waters a bit like I said before, but there really isn't enough to go on. I dont know what to say about the dancing, but if you dont feel comfortable doing it, dont dance with her. yeah i think you might just be over thinking this a little.

[craig841]

Something I'd better add actually...she is German and he is spending 3 weeks with her over in Germany in August. It just seems ridiculous to me as they don't even seem that attached to each other.

[berry_oh]

It could be that they like each other more than you think. Maybe in their own strange little world, they are a good match for each other, where in the eyes of more practical people like you, it doesn't make sense.

 

I have a story of 2 of my friends that may or may not apply to yours, but you never know. I have 2 friends who had a lot of opposite traits and honestly didnt seem like they were going to last because they fought often about personal beliefs. But they did last for a while. Despite those opposites, they still had strong feelings for each other to want to stay together. Yes i did thought she could do better, but she wanted to stay with him.

They broke up eventually because of her parents. The break up was mutual, her parents didnt approve of him and their approval is important to her. When she finally wanted to get back together with him despite her parents, he rejected her. He pretty much fell out of love with her for a while, and the two stayed together for so long because they just reached a comfort zone as friends and mistaken that for "clicking"

 

So there is a possibility that your two friends might break up eventually, but it might not be now. Or, like the beginning of my story, they could like each other despite their differences.

 

I say you should still keep your eyes open on this a while longer before coming up with any more conclusions.

 

So now I have a question for you. How do you feel about her? Do you really like her, or are you just considering it because she's showing possible interest with you?

[craig841]

Thanks again berryoh. I think I do...she is a genuinely great person, gorgeous and great fun, but all this stuff happening kinda pisses me off. And she shows great affection towards me, something I've not really experienced much of, which makes me feel special, as did the other day, when she said "You know what I think you do?" and came out with an 100% accurate description of a part of my character. No-one has ever done that to me before, and although I was shocked at being seemingly transparent, it made me feel good.

 

The main thing is that I am leaving school and home and she is staying there...I don't think it would be worth it. My advice to myself has been keep in touch and if you meet up again...you meet up, but this situation is just too confusing to put off!

[boogieboy]

I wouldnt be surprised if she offers to travel to your home to see you. This chick is feeling you out for action while her BF is away. She def likes you, or her and her bf is conspiring against you to see if you would betray him.

 

So just make a decision to see if his friendship is worth it, if not, go for it. You only live once.

[craig841]

That's a bit of a different answer boogieboy...I don't know whether she would do that you see. We've had several discussions about us, one quite recently, and to go for it now...I don't know, I think it would seem to her like a punch in the face. Does anyone from experience with German women know if they have distinctive behaviour when it comes to men?

[craig841]

Another thing I noticed is that when she plays piano she often just gazes at me while playing...it's a strange moment...I just want to know what's behind her eyes? as it's pretty cryptic...it's often during emotional pieces as well. Sure makes me smile though.

[craig841]

Ok I'm reigniting this thread as the problem has developed.

 

Last week we spent a lot of time together...she was upset because of school and her bf and things and we talked sitting on the grass alone for about 2h a time for 3 or 4 days. She then went off for the weekend saying call me tomorrow before she left.

 

So I tried. She didn't pick up. And I tried again and again. And because I'm me, I got worried and kept trying. I talk to some of her friends and she finally comes back with 'I value you so much as a friend...I really do...but give me some space'.

 

I was enjoying the intense friendship thing we were having over those days and how much we were connecting. And for her to then sever this all of a sudden made me very upset. I then told her on impulse that she obviously just received her comforting and that's all she needs so she abandoned me. That was obviously a mistake, and she said that because I was contacting her more than her bf (who doesn't give a f**k) something must be wrong. I feel we are now back to square one.

 

I'm leaving it for a few days and then talking to her, but wtf is going on here??? Has she suddenly seen me as more than a friend and stopped talking to me like one? Please help this is seriously annoying me.

[WTRanger]

She set you up dude. Sorry to tell you that, but she did. She didn't have the spine to tell you straight up, so she created an "out" that would allow her to push things back onto you in turn making her blameless. Here's how I deduced this.

 

She knows you care about her and she knew you'd call. She also knew if she didn't pick up that you'd start to worry and try harder to reach her. Not necessarily a bad thing, you worry about someone you care about who normally answers their phone. Normal human behavior. You may have gone a bit over board, and now she can use that to say you are smothering her. Thus, giving her the out she needed to ask for space or not talk to you for a while. All the while she thinks she remains this sweet little princess and you are the overbearing ogre.

 

Tactics like that are spineless and chicken sh*t in my opinion. Do you really want a girl like this in your life? You have to really look at her in the real world. Don't look at her like the person you care about, because that person may just be a figment of your mind. Take some time for yourself, not for her. Figure things out, then form a plan, then execute that plan.

 

A lesson learned is that next time, try once to call her. Then wait a few hours, and try again. If no response, let it go. As much as you may worry, let it go. Have faith she'll contact you.

[Left in a Lurch]

Let's face it, she has the perfect relationship. She has a bf that satisfies her need for sex, and she has you for the other stuff where he falls short.

When she needs sex, she calls him. For everything else, she calls you.

 

You are getting the short straw on this one. You incest all the time and effort and emotion and some other dude gets rewarded with sex.

 

She needs to keep you just interested enough to feel validated, that is why she grinds on you and does suggestive things. That is pretty much a tease. If you like doing all the hard stuff in a relationship so someone else can get laid at your expense, more power to you, but I wouldn't feel good being used to fill in for her bf's deficiencies.

[craig841]

Thanks very much guys. God I feel like such a tool now...I really want to tell her just how angry I am but to be honest it wouldn't be worth it. She knew we were friends as well, something we'd told each other so many times...so strange.

 

What do you guys suggest for the future? Giving another person TLC makes me happy in turn, but in a way should I not pay so much attention in order to get it from them?

[WTRanger]

Firstly, don't beat yourself up. You really didn't do anything wrong, but you need to learn from this experience. Realize that not everyone shares the same ideals as you. There are some people out there that like to focus on themselves first, then focus on others. Also understand that you cannot control how someone acts or responds. More often than not, they will respond the exact opposite that you would like them to. Know that you can only control yourself and your actions. Everything else, is just left up to random chance.

 

You might think that a week or a few days of not talking to this girl means it's over, but it's not. You need to lay low for a bit, focus on yourself. You need to figure things out first. Then and only then can you proceed with this girl, if at that point you decided that she's worth it. If you not being in constant contact pisses her off, then so be it. She's not worth it at that point. If she starts talking to you about issues you are not comfortable with, you need to remind her that's what she has a boyfriend for.

 

It's honorable to want to help people, but you have to learn from this situation. It's not fair to give so much, and receive so little in return. There has to be some resemblance of a 2-way street. You can't always be there for someone and in turn they can walk all over your emotions. You can't let them use your obvious feelings for them to their advantage. You have to learn from this and if you start to see these signs in a future venture, stand up for yourself. Don't play the victim anymore. Stop saying, "Whoa is me." and start saying, "I don't need stupid bitches like that in my life."

[Left in a Lurch]

WTRanger is right on.

You are not a fool, you did nothing wrong. I have a feeling if you backed off there is a chance eventually she will not be fulfilled with her bf and something may come about from that. The only issue would be if you invest a lot into hoping that will happen it could be stressful, and even if she came running to you, you already know how she handles relationships and in a sense maybe uses guys so it might not be the story book relationship you would want.

 

I don't really know much about her so that is just my guess and you can take it for what it is worth. You wouldn't have to cut her out as a friend but you should be pretty upfront that you are not interested in just being her crutch. I personally don't think I could ever be friends with someone I wanted more from that didn't return the feelings. I can't think of a situation that would be more painful, continuously.

 

If you back off and let her come to you eventually it may work, but I think it is your only real option without cutting her out entirely. She did have a bf and you formed a friendship knowing that so in a sense cutting her off completely as a friend could be hurtful to her if she never expected you were interested in more, but it would be tough to be a true friend and give good advice if she confides in you because you would always have an agenda of winning her over I think.

 

It's a tough situation, in the future if you make a friend of someone that has a bf, it's probably best to only consider her as a friend and nothing more. Not easy, but otherwise you'll end up in the same situation.

[craig841]

Thanks both of you guys. She wants to talk to me so hopefully I can say what I think and show why I was upset. I'll post back here when I've done that.

[sugarmomma]

I don't understand why you are building an emotional connection toyour "friend's" woman?

 

You are setting yourself up for a painful situation. Like a previous poster said she's getting her sexual needs from him and her emotional needs met by you. How would you feel if your "friend" did that you you?

 

I think you need to cut her off out of respect for your friend. She sounds a little loose to me. I can't imagine grinding on the dancefloor with my man's friend.

 

Cut her off! She's underhanded and could be the cause of you losing a good friend.

 

Does he know that you're in constant contact with his woman?

 

How close do you consider him as a friend?

[complication]

I'm here to say one thing. Do you really want to date a girl who may be flirting with another guy on the side?

 

Out.