what is wrong with us women?

[Mino]

which brings me back to the original point....you weren't putting up with anything.....his wife was.

ok Dex, if YOU say so...

[Dexter Morgan]

ok Dex, if YOU say so...

 

no, YOU said so.....you just don't see it.

[Mino]

uh, ya....and I acknowledged that you tried to include yourself in it...that was the point...

 

 

 

 

with the smug way you portrayed the affair and what you got over the wife, could have fooled me.

What is your problem? Its not about getting one over on the w.

[Trialbyfire]

The competition is the crux of what makes these threads go on and on and on and disintegrate.

 

"I am right and you are wrong"

 

It's what drives many an affair and is real life, fueling cyberspace debates. The sad part of it, is that both sides are losers since there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and only one person who benefits from an affair.

[Dexter Morgan]

What is your problem? Its not about getting one over on the w.

 

apparantly to you it was the way you described it in the thread i highlighted.

 

you don't get to say, "look at me...I have his love..ALL of it...not his wife...nanny nanny boo boo"

 

and then expect to play the woe is me card as if you put up with anything.

[Mino]

 

I think that would be better than the alternative; finding out after it's too late that you and your spouse are on completely different pages.

I wonder if it would make sense to get them tested, before we date a person, You know, do a background check first, then a drug test, then check their blood to make sure they are not alcoholics, then we sent them for a evaluation on their brain, make sure they dont have an mental illness, then check their credit, see how they manage money, , You know get a complete report, so everything is laid out on the table... lol

[Mino]

apparantly to you it was the way you described it in the thread i highlighted.

 

you don't get to say, "look at me...I have his love..ALL of it...not his wife...nanny nanny boo boo"

 

and then expect to play the woe is me card as if you put up with anything.

Grow up DEX! I did have all his love, You seem to a problem with that. Did I put up with his issues, That I did too. That was the point of my thread. You sound like your 15 years old, where competion is part of a r. At my age, I am way over that...

[Dexter Morgan]

Grow up DEX! I did have all his love, You seem to a problem with that.

 

if you did have all of his love, hey, it is what it is.

 

what I have a problem with is you thumbing your nose, directly or indirectly, at the wife, and then trying to claim victim status.

 

grow up? ya, you need to.

 

 

Did I put up with his issues, That I did too. That was the point of my thread.

 

hmmm...lets see...you were screwing someone elses husband...what did you expect?

 

and it seems with your story there were no issues until after he left his wife and decided himself that being with you wasn't what he wanted.

 

otherwise, you highlighted your affair as something that was beautiful and it was all about you. I didn't see you commenting on any issues until AFTER he was single again, or in the process of becoming single.

 

 

You sound like your 15 years old, where competion is part of a r.

 

nice try pumpkin. YOU are the one that thumbed your nose at the wife in the spirit of competition.

 

 

At my age, I am way over that...

 

sure didn't come out that way in your post in the "second best" thread.

[Mino]

if you did have all of his love, hey, it is what it is.

 

what I have a problem with is you thumbing your nose, directly or indirectly, at the wife, and then trying to claim victim status.

 

grow up? ya, you need to.

 

 

 

 

hmmm...lets see...you were screwing someone elses husband...what did you expect?

 

and it seems with your story there were no issues until after he left his wife and decided himself that being with you wasn't what he wanted.

 

otherwise, you highlighted your affair as something that was beautiful and it was all about you. I didn't see you commenting on any issues until AFTER he was single again, or in the process of becoming single.

 

 

 

 

nice try pumpkin. YOU are the one that thumbed your nose at the wife in the spirit of competition.

 

 

 

 

sure didn't come out that way in your post in the "second best" thread.

Your right , he was somebodys husband. And yes, the Affair was wonderful. We did deal with his mental issues before he left, lots of doc visits, meds, ect. All r have some kind of issues, right PUMKIN? The issues did come more to light AFTER I was living with him. Thats when I realized it was more then I could handle. And Honey, I left him...So get over your bitterness, it not competion, I dont know her, and she, I assume, knows how much she is willing to take. Thats is what this tread is about. So lets talk about you for a change, what makes you sooo Bitter? I bet you have an interesting story to tell:laugh:

[Mino]

Thank you everybody for your input, was a interesting thread, till somebody came along and wanted a pissing match. It really is a shame, that some people can only release their bitterness and anger on a post. I guess not everybody has health insurance to get into IC. But thats ok, I did enjoy the thread, take care, Mino;)

[Dexter Morgan]

it not competion

 

your past words say otherwise:)

 

 

Thats is what this tread is about. So lets talk about you for a change, what makes you sooo Bitter?

 

even if I was bitter, it would be because of people like you who smugly don't care whose lives you help to ruin or who you help to hurt.

 

but really, one doesn't have to be bitter to recognize despicable, smug behavior and call someone out on it.

 

bottom line, you didn't put up with anything...you got all of his love, remember. The "issues" you claim he has after he left his wife have NOTHING to do with being a MM because at that time he wasn't.

 

 

I bet you have an interesting story to tell:laugh:

 

not really, wife cheats, I divorce wife, she shacks up with OM..OM punched her in the face and verbally abuses her.....not much to tell otherwise.

[tami-chan]

Really, it is NOT a competition, and to continue to view it so, like the above, gives the cheater WAY too much power - over BOTH the BS and the OW/OM.

 

Of course it isn't. But facts are facts. When an MM/MW is with the OW/OM, he/she is CHOOSING to be with her/him. There is no legal or moral obligation to be with the AP.

[tami-chan]

even if I was bitter, it would be because of people like you who smugly don't care whose lives you help to ruin or who you help to hurt.

 

it IS a tough world, isn't it?

 

but really, one doesn't have to be bitter to recognize despicable, smug behavior and call someone out on it.

 

Is that your whole point when you post here? and here I thought you were posting because you want to help shed light. No wonder you use those very choice words you like "spread your legs" (your favorite).

[Mino]

it IS a tough world, isn't it?

 

 

 

Is that your whole point when you post here? and here I thought you were posting because you want to help shed light. No wonder you use those very choice words you like "spread your legs" (your favorite).

Tami -chen, he is bitter thats all, I guess his w spread them, but not for him,This was actually a thread for women, I guess he felt obligated to point out our smug faces, its a reminder of what his wify did to him.. Poor man:rolleyes:

[Dexter Morgan]

it IS a tough world, isn't it?

 

yes it is, learned that first hand.

 

its also a sign that it is getting tougher when the offenders start to claim victim status.

 

 

 

Is that your whole point when you post here? and here I thought you were posting because you want to help shed light.

 

sure, try to talk a little sense into people that have been betrayed all the time.....and sure, there are those "other" people that I have to call on their bullsh#t

 

 

No wonder you use those very choice words you like "spread your legs" (your favorite).

 

you bet! Its precise and to the point and doesn't try to water down what actually happened:)

 

I just wish there was a male equivalent to that one when dealing with the male cheaters. I have used "sticking their vienna sausage to other women", but it just doesn't hit home. Any suggestions??

[Dexter Morgan]

Tami -chen, he is bitter thats all

 

oh no....not "bitter" *sniff*

 

how will i ever go on:p

 

I guess his w spread them, but not for him,This was actually a thread for women, I guess he felt obligated to point out our smug faces, its a reminder of what his wify did to him.. Poor man:rolleyes:

 

nah, wifey did me a favor...she is the other man's problem now....other man realizes this. Thats why she wound up with a black eye:o

[Gamine]

First of all, I appreciate Dex's posts. It feels good to read something that makes common sense for a change and doesn't pull any punches. And, I am in agreement that a MM or MW who uses an affair as a source of recreation is not something based in love. For those affairs that are really about love... I say... if it is coming from a good place there is no need for deceit. If there is true love, finances and other things should not and could not reasonably stand in the way of being together. And, it is not necessary to use or belittle devoted spouses. They are deserving of love and respect for the years where it was good... for the years spent living together through the ups and downs... and for the moments when their children were born. One need not remain in a marriage if there is love elsewhere, however there are ways of living one's life with integrity.

 

And it is the lack of integrity which is in dispute here. Not whether someone can love someone else. One can love many people during a lifetime, but if you want a clue on what to expect from a person... look how they treated the person before you. OW & OM should demand fair and good treatment for spouses of their AP because at some point in time this 'treatment' will apply to them.

 

So, if a relationship is real, affair based or not... then treat it with dignity and see to the responsibility in treating others fairly and decently. Living in integrity is important.

 

If an affair is simply a head game played by the MP with the AP, then the two of them should live in reality and call it like it is. Enough with the head games. Enough with the 'he loves me but he is being forced to stay married to the hag because she threatens him'. In most cases (chronologically) these married cheaters are adults. If being with the other person is something they are committed to then be adults and not children. Own up to one's life and live responsibly. If a person wants something... such as sex with other people outside of the marriage... then let's be real. The person they are married to should have something to say about it. If they aren't interested in living that way they should be given the truth from their mate... not lied to in an effort to cover up.

 

And, it defies logic for an OW to state that they are the apple of the man's eye if they are being played as a bootie call. If a MM is a predator without any conscience whatsoever it would be fairly easy for him to lay out whatever bull is required to get what he wants. And, if he plays his cards right he can get all of the action he wants without shelling out the cash for a prostitute.

 

I understand that wives, husbands, and AP's all have feelings. But for heaven's sake, if you are gong to have feelings at least let them resemble something rational. If a woman is okay with being there for sexual fun for a guy then fine... but enough with the nonsense that being there for fun constitutes anything of value or meaning... other than a horny dude getting his rocks off on you. Why, oh why... would anyone allow themselves to be used and manipulated? If a man wants to be with you it will always be more than a drive by.

 

And Mino, given that your former MM was psychiatrically unstable may be significant in formulating his basis for the affair along with everything that was said and done before, during and following its conclusion. Whatever you experienced was with a crazy person. How then do you believe you have any basis to understand a healthy affair relationship with a MP?

[silktricks]

The issues did come more to light AFTER I was living with him. Thats when I realized it was more then I could handle. And Honey, I left him...

 

not according to you... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2216130#post2216130

 

It's very obvious that you were hurt in this relationship and I do hope you get better. Five years is a long time.

[Dexter Morgan]

not according to you... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2216130#post2216130

 

ya, thats what I was wondering too.

 

 

And she said it wasn't a competition with the W. Sorry, not according to her again because not only did she gloat about having all of his love and the wife none, she made the following statement as well:

 

"I just want you to know not all return for love for the w"

 

So as long as the cheating man returns to the wife for anything but love....?? ya....sure its not a competition.

 

if it wasn't a competition, then why would it matter if a MM did return to the wife because he loved her?

[tami-chan]

Well, sure. If there's someone around who is willing to be hidden away until the MP wants to take them off the shelf long enough for a little fun, certain personality types will always take advantage of that. Variety is the spice of life, and that is how some people choose to live, regardless of the promises they made. Unfortunately, these MP who choose to behave this way are also VERY adept at manipulation tactics and are able to con the OW/OM into thinking they are "the love of their life." In very few instances, it really is love, and the MP does take steps to end their M and be with the OW/OM. However, from reading this forum, it isn't a leap to realize that MOST affairs are borne from a very selfish standpoint, and nothing changes until a D day occurs, and we all know what happens after that.

 

Besides the point I was making, but you like to say the last word even though it does not follow :rolleyes:! Silly,

[tami-chan]

You claim a MP WANTS to be with the OW/OM. Big deal! They only WANT to be there because there is someone willing to let them have sex with no strings. How special is that?

 

You were making it out to sound like the OW/OM was somehow special because there was someone who wanted to do 'em.

 

I don't care about the reasons why he or she wants to be with OW/OM. That was not the point I was making. Here's the statement "MM chooses to be with OW (for whatever reason)"-yes or no?. The answer is, YES. Period. That was the point, do YOU get it?:rolleyes:!

 

LOL...you don't think MM choosing to be with OW is a big deal? Tell that to the crying BSs here! Apparently,the OWs are special enough for the MMs to put their marriages on the line.... Apparently the MMs are special enough for the BS to lose sleep over, cry, go crazy...I know I went nuts....temporary, albeit...wish I could turn back the hands of time and tell my H to go fly a kite....but, what's done is done.

[LaGazelle]

First of all, I appreciate Dex's posts. It feels good to read something that makes common sense for a change and doesn't pull any punches. And, I am in agreement that a MM or MW who uses an affair as a source of recreation is not something based in love. For those affairs that are really about love... I say... if it is coming from a good place there is no need for deceit. If there is true love, finances and other things should not and could not reasonably stand in the way of being together. And, it is not necessary to use or belittle devoted spouses. They are deserving of love and respect for the years where it was good... for the years spent living together through the ups and downs... and for the moments when their children were born. One need not remain in a marriage if there is love elsewhere, however there are ways of living one's life with integrity.

 

...

 

If an affair is simply a head game played by the MP with the AP, then the two of them should live in reality and call it like it is. Enough with the head games. Enough with the 'he loves me but he is being forced to stay married to the hag because she threatens him'.

 

And, it defies logic for an OW to state that they are the apple of the man's eye if they are being played as a bootie call.

 

....

 

I understand that wives, husbands, and AP's all have feelings. But for heaven's sake, if you are gong to have feelings at least let them resemble something rational.

 

If a man wants to be with you it will always be more than a drive by.

 

And Mino, given that your former MM was psychiatrically unstable may be significant in formulating his basis for the affair along with everything that was said and done before, during and following its conclusion. Whatever you experienced was with a crazy person. How then do you believe you have any basis to understand a healthy affair relationship with a MP?

 

Gamine, you make some really good points here. Reading some of the stories on LS has certainly opened my eyes to the extent that many who are hurting will go to delude themselves. Before, I thought the OW in my situation was something of a truly rare and "special" case.

 

The awful thing is clearly many OW are not making such excuses while in the best frame of mind. Some of the stories here are so heartbreaking, and some of the justifications and rationalisations can be so blindingly transparent that it is difficult to see how anyone could not see through them.

 

I've seen some of the most preposterous rationale for MM not leaving their wives. In one story I saw here some weeks ago, the OW claimed that the guy was married to an immigrant who had no earning power, brought the "baggage" of a son to the marriage, had no children with her H, wasn't loved by her H, and oh, she even beats the H until he is sore, but still he would't leave for the OW who he loves so dearly!!!!

 

In another post, the OW who was clearly in a lot of pain and despair decided to console herself by claiming that the MM probably thinks of her while giving his W oral sex, since he does not love his W!!!! It's hreatbreaking to know that someone is suffering so much, that they sink to such a level, yet find it so difficult to rise above it and move forward to a "better place" for them. It is truly mind-boggling and really makes one wonder "what is wrong with us women".

[Gamine]

Yes, LaGazelle. It is very sad indeed. Firstly, when embarking upon the journey of being an OW there has to be the acceptance that the MM is sleeping nightly with his wife. Therefore, going into it, there is an acceptance that the OW is having sex with a man who is having sex with another woman. Their sense of ego or pride prevents understanding this and it is comforted by self deception. Deluding oneself to believe that in order for their man (their MM) to be able to even have sex with their wife they must have to be fantasizing about them in order to 'just get through it'.

 

My husband's OW (an affair that lasted a few months with sexual contact twice) insisted that he remain celibate with me so that they could save themselves for each other. She asked him about us and he told her the truth. She was upset that he was 'cheating on her' with me, his lawful wife. She resented him dining out with me, buying flowers for me... you name it. She deserved it all in her opinion.

 

My feeling? A few rolls in the hay does not constitute a relationship. And, if someone truly means what they say to another their actions will be reflective of what they say. They will walk the talk.

 

My father's saying used to be "You cannot turn a sow's ear into a silk purse". Tremendous wisdom in such a saying, especially as it relates to affairs. They are what they are and if they are for real there would be no need for deception... for their relationship would be living in the light of day.

 

Excuses are nothing more... nothing less... than justifications. Offering an explanation for why choices do not coincide with words. However, there has to be a point whereby actions speak louder than words and if a MM is staying with his wife... it does not matter why... he has made a choice that points to what he values more. And if that pill is too sour to swallow... rather than lying to oneself that it isn't so... one should consider the option of accepting it and either accepting it as agreeable or walking away. However, the option so routinely used with OW seems to be an option I have not cited... which is when all else fails... lie to oneself.

[tami-chan]

I still say big f'ing deal. An MM could go to a hooker and get the same thing. But why pay when someone is willing to give it to him for free?

 

If its not a big deal, then it is not a big deal...you hear that, BSs?

 

...since you are hell bent on making this into a contest over the MP's choosing of time spent with someone in a quest for sexual variety, trust me.

 

I was hellbent? lol...don't be so dramatic..I swear, for someone who is not a BS nor an AP, you sure spend a lot of time here. I do not think it is a contest, I was stating a fact.

 

besides, studies show an affair is always more than just about sex...it is almost always an emotional thing.

 

and trust you? lol..stay off that pipe, my dear grandma.

 

You do not even know what you are talking about anymore, first, you guys say an affair is a choice....ok,,,so there you go...whats there to argue about? MM chooses to be with the OW, for the time that they are together. Period.

[tami-chan]

Isn't it amazing that many of us, women, are willing to forgive our husbands who go for cheap thrills outside the marriage? "one night stands", "a few romp in the hay", etc. It seems to me someone who does that, does not valued the sexual act...as nothing but some kind of release. I don't know but I really have a problem with that. Like I said, I would be more willing to work on a marriage if my husband had a profound relationship with the OW.