sb129 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 But some LDRs happen after the R has started and its already "real". Do you think that all people who fall in love IRL shouldn't bother pursuing it if circumstances dictate that they need to live apart for a while? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Then again, I've never met SB, but I feel like we're *like this*.... KWIM? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 IG- I honestly don't think your R is in the same category as the ones JB is referring to. No, my relationship isn't what is being referred to here but I am all too familiar with those that are in relationships such as these being just as hurt or in love, etc. as the rest of us. Fantasy can not really affect your life. These relationships very much affect these people's lives. And while I am a firm believer in the IRL meeting to solidify things - it doesn't change the fact that some do fall fairly hard in the meantime... You and your H have a 'real" R- you met IRL first, before it became LDR, right? As far as I know you can't actually get married without both being there in person. Yes we were together in close proximity for well over a year before LD. And as far as I know people have to be present to be married. We were. The distance thing is circumstantial and is in the process of being dealt with, unfortunately much of that is out of your hands. Too true. It's not at all, and I don't know why she's carrying on like this. particularly since we already addressed LDR's with people who already know each other first. I think I was pretty clear in the OP that this applied to people who engaged in online, virtual "relationships" with people they never met. I will try to explain. There are those that draw that "fictitious" line in a different place. (See Lizzie60's post above) No matter where you draw that line and call someone's relationship "imaginary" or "fantasy" it is hurtful to someone. There is real communication going on in all of these relationships. Most have a more open dialog than one would have after going on several dates with someone. This sharing, etc. means something to these people. And the LDR forum gets posts occasionally that are just heart wrenching from a lot of these people. Their frustration and pain are real. They do feel them. If they are lied to the betrayal is real. It isn't something just made up in their heads. True, they have gotten carried away with their emotions because until they meet in person there may be a necessary component that isn't there. It kills it if it's not -- but if it is after all of that sharing, etc. they are deeper in it than those I see around me. So there is something there - the closeness etc. And then when the physical is added they are usually in the exact same place as those that have known each other with close contact - sometimes even further along. This couldn't be the case if it was fictitious, fantasy, or imaginary. Real relationships. Different parameters to be sure and VERY risky especially if there has been no meeting yet. But real nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Ariadne- even your R with DG could probably be classed as a "fantasy relationship". This is exactly what you did with DG as well! Nah, with DG we talked long and wide about everything. These two other cases were just crazy, mess with your head stuff. One of them was like the guy from the Silence of the Lambs. A Scottish guy some 20 years older than me. He'd know what you were thinking even and he'd guess your deepest secrets in three words. He was really something. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Well, that's pretty much it, A. There are many, many missing parts, and you fill them in with fantasy, which is not the reality of who they are. And of course, in something virtual, it's easy to be on your best behavior all the time. You can wait to log in when you're in a good mood - lol. Well, I remember doing everything I could to cyber stalk them. I met them in forums so I'd spend hours reading their posts, I just wanted to know all about them (now this I did with DG too). It was a huge investment of time and obsession that just messed with your head. I wanted to move forward and meet them and they'd just bail and leave you high and dry. They really drove me crazy, out of whack. I couldn't even sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Then again, I've never met SB, but I feel like we're *like this*.... KWIM? Yes, I do. But (and no offense intended ) I don't want to move to California to be your princess bride and have your babies SG. Nah, with DG we talked long and wide about everything. These two other cases were just crazy, mess with your head stuff.. Oh, OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Yes, I do. But (and no offense intended ) I don't want to move to California to be your princess bride and have your babies SG. No offense taken, I didn't think you would! Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Well technically it would be bigamy. AND California didn't pass the same sex- marriage bill. Its legal in NZ though, so if things with WB don't work out and you fancy a change of scene, lets talk turkey (basting!) I crack myself up. Sorry sorry for threadjack JB. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Oh OK.. cyber or LDR.. whatever.. it's all about 'fantasy' more than 'real' relationship. Another back handed comment from Lizzie60. You do understand that LDR are real - ? That your comments about them being fantasy are ridiculous? Are they said purely to taunt me as I imagine they are? sb129 was in an LDR before finally uniting in one country and marrying. Her relationship was never real until they were together? Really? And mine. We were together for over a year before going LD. But because of the geography our relationship somehow became a "fantasy"? Cyber is even worst.. since they never met..I find it very sad.. that supposedly 'smart' people fall in cyber love with someone they never met and become so emotionally attached that they are miserable I think you mean "Cyber is even worse" But I am glad you can spot 'smart' people. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Hey- just to clarify, we met online and were LDR in one country, then moved together to another one (our home one). But I still agree with you IG. ESP in your case, a R can't suddenly become a fantasy after being a reality for over a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Oh, OK. Also, these "sort of" relationships were just a couple months long if so. (Thank goodness for that). Not sure about other people, but in my case they fizzled pretty fast and it was not hard to recover after that. It just took me a couple months to forget all about it. I was still in contact with them afterwards (I heard from one the other day) but I had gotten over, so it didn't make any difference then. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Yeah- not to be picky Ariadne, but I still wouldn't class your R with DG as "real"... But lets not go there again shall we? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 (Btw, one of them posted here in LS for me once. This was not the Scottish guy though). Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Yeah- not to be picky Ariadne, but I still wouldn't class your R with DG as "real"... But lets not go there again shall we? Sigh! I know, I know... that's another headache. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Yeah- not to be picky Ariadne, but I still wouldn't class your R with DG as "real"... But lets not go there again shall we? As we all know there are "special" circumstances that call that into question but yeah let's not go there. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 The reason there are fantasy relationships is because most real relationships don't have any fantasy in them. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I don't think this is related to a certain age group. And I don't think this just pertains to LDR. I think we can easily see an envovled movement of people more then ever living in "fantasy" then ever before. All of us live in a more fantasy based communication world then we did in the 80s. Then we did in the 90s! Think about not just computer communication such as message boards (*cough), instant messaging, facebook, my space, but other germaine and computerly propelled fantasy elements like online roleplaying games (war of warcraft and the sims) or yes I am going to say it, porn. Facebook is a way for being to stay connected in the most disconnected way. Games liek War of Warcraft or nothing if not fantasy. As is porn. And yes, LDR where people never meet. It's not just young people. You see a broad spectrum of older adults also falling pray to are technology driven lives. I will add though that I did have an on going LDR with a man that lived in another country. It started when I was about 22 and exploring the internet. I still consider him a friend today that I can talk to. And I am completely glad I know him. There is no other way in the world I ever would have met him if not for the computer. It's got it's good and it's totally bad. I do think that for generations even younger then me, they are going struggle even more living in a world of hyper-connection and hyper-disconnection all at the same time. But I see grown adults 30+ that live more "fantasy" then they probably did back in the day. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Oh JS, for a moment there I thought you were going to post something that wasn't related to porn! I do agree with you about all these fantasy lives- eg SecondLife, WOW, FB etc. People ARE more into the virtual than ever before. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Porn tourettes? Hi, my name is *PORN* trialbyfire *PORN*! How about *PORN* you? What's your *PORN* name? Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 The irony is that out of everything I said, you both choose to focus on that one word. Might as well include yourselves in your own little jokes since you just made yourselves a part of it without even realizing it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 You know, I GET that virtual relationships (most LDRs) are a natural extension of a lifestyle connected to the Internet. I also GET that people are more open to these virtual relationships because they can have all the fantasy elements that real life just cannot. But when seemingly intelligent people try to make these virtual fantasy relationships real...not by meeting or taking the relationship beyond conversation ....but by interjecting real life drama ....thats just too weird. For example: Is my LDR Cheating in RL??? If its someone you have never met, or met once on vacation...this makes no sense. Save the drama, I won't treat it as a real issue because you are just looking for easy drama to interject. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 I can't resist so I'm going to apologize in advance! It's no different than cyber friendships and LS thread disagreements, where things get heated. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Agreed. I havent developed any yet ...but there are several posters on here I feel that I sincerely like. TBF - you would be one of them. I agree with you sometimes, sometimes I dont...but I like your approach. For ,many people on here I have imagined how great looking they are, how wonderful, etc....BUT if you were to tell me you lived in my city, lets go for a drink...I would decline. Knowing that in all likelihood, it just wouldnt translate. Reality like lifestyle, opinions, my shoes, habits, etc...would make it a whole other thing. And although I dont always agree with you...I'm not going to try to interject RL into it by wondering if you are talking behind my back. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 nah - we could go for a drink, I'm certain. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 but by interjecting real life drama ....thats just too weird. For example: Is my LDR Cheating in RL??? If its someone you have never met, or met once on vacation...this makes no sense. Save the drama, I won't treat it as a real issue because you are just looking for easy drama to interject. How is it not a real issue? How exactly are these people looking for easy drama? Link to post Share on other sites
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