Another one for Tony

[MA]

HI,

 

I have read some of your answers to other posts which are similar to mine (change of heart). Some say to move on and others say to act cool and aloof and lure them back in ( or maybe I got the wrong idea.) Anyway, which one do you think applies to my situation? Let it go or work on it.....

 

Also, I have never written on a message board before, but in reading your answers I have realized a lot about how people think. I am thinking about doing a minor in psychology, (I am a business major) and it is neat to see how the theorhetical stuff applies in real life. Thanks for your help.

[Tony T]

I read your earlier post. My feeling is this man comes from an unexpressive, emotionally deprived, uncommunicative dysfunctional family.

 

You aren't going to change him. Many men, for one reason or other, are not expressive emotionally. Or they are very much so until they are very comfortable in a relationship and then the fall back to their old ways. It's just too bad but that's the way it is.

 

If he works on himself, he can improve. The only way that's going to happen if enough ladies give him the boot or he recognizes he has some difficulties being expressive.

 

If you stsy with this man, your needs will not be met and you will not be happy. If you break up with him, he will use every tactic possible to suck you back in to his life...but, again, he will not change. You shouldn't even demand that he change.

 

Find someone for yourself who comes closer to meeting your needs for openness and communication.

 

As far as my advice to some people about luring their lovers back, I usually give that when I sense that they will not give up. I may as well give them tips on how to do it right. But from my own personal experience and that of others, I really do feel if difficulties can't be worked out with an open-minded, forgiving, warm, communicative person, moving on is the only option.

 

In a great many of the cases, the same dynamics that caused a break-up are still there after reconciliation and ultimately the relationship fails again.

 

I hate to think about the number of man hours spent around the world by people trying to get back into bad situations but some people don't feel alive unless they are amidst chaos...and that's really sad.

 

As far as a college major, money will be lots more important to you in the future and there is more money in business than in psychology unless you have a Ph.D. Businesses have downturns but there are always people who need therapy.

 

Do what will fulfill you personally and make you happy!!!

[MA]

Thank you so much for your response. As always, you deliver highly intelligent answers to a common situation. You are right, the communication is not going to get any better and I place a high value on that aspect of a relationship. My boyfriends dad is a Ph.D in psychology and runs a clinic, so it is even more amazing to me that my boyfriend can't communicate. Maybe he just got analyzed to much as a child and would rather not deal with anyone's opinions of his feelings, who knows, you can't help someone who won't talk to you, I never nagged him about it, thinking the time would come when he would feel like opening up. A year later, everything is routine and we are really no closer than we were in the beginning, minus the new love giddiness so I realize it is better to move on than just accept things, knowing they are not going anywhere. I know in the long run I could never marry anyone who I couldn't talk to. We are both in our 20's and I don't want to prevent him or myself from finding mr/miss right. Which brings me to another question, he is out of town now but calling next week when he gets back, what is the best way for me to just end this whole thing?

I read your earlier post. My feeling is this man comes from an unexpressive, emotionally deprived, uncommunicative dysfunctional family. You aren't going to change him. Many men, for one reason or other, are not expressive emotionally. Or they are very much so until they are very comfortable in a relationship and then the fall back to their old ways. It's just too bad but that's the way it is. If he works on himself, he can improve. The only way that's going to happen if enough ladies give him the boot or he recognizes he has some difficulties being expressive. If you stsy with this man, your needs will not be met and you will not be happy. If you break up with him, he will use every tactic possible to suck you back in to his life...but, again, he will not change. You shouldn't even demand that he change. Find someone for yourself who comes closer to meeting your needs for openness and communication.

 

As far as my advice to some people about luring their lovers back, I usually give that when I sense that they will not give up. I may as well give them tips on how to do it right. But from my own personal experience and that of others, I really do feel if difficulties can't be worked out with an open-minded, forgiving, warm, communicative person, moving on is the only option. In a great many of the cases, the same dynamics that caused a break-up are still there after reconciliation and ultimately the relationship fails again. I hate to think about the number of man hours spent around the world by people trying to get back into bad situations but some people don't feel alive unless they are amidst chaos...and that's really sad. As far as a college major, money will be lots more important to you in the future and there is more money in business than in psychology unless you have a Ph.D. Businesses have downturns but there are always people who need therapy. Do what will fulfill you personally and make you happy!!!

[Tony T]

YOUR QUESTION FROM ABOVE POST: Which brings me to another question, he is out of town now but calling next week when he gets back, what is the best way for me to just end this whole thing?

 

There is no easy way to end a realtionship. You SHOULD know him better than anybody. However, lacking some vital information, the path of least resistance is to let him off easy by saying you just don't feel the chemistry and interaction between the two of you is an ideal situation for either of you and it will benefit both of you to move on.

 

Don't make accusations or give him hell for not communicating. You have already had your say there and no useful purpose will be served by being critical of him at this point.

 

If you get resistance from him, tell him that is your final word on the subject.

 

Do this in person when he returns. If he shows more emotion than usual, you'll know it's in him and there's hope that in time he will get help. Perhaps you breaking up with him will propel him to get help. Incidentally, a lot of psychologists (and their kids) and the most screwed up of all in our society.

 

Have the break-up talk with him, wish him the very best, and the run and don't look back. It really doesn't sound like this man is somebody you would be interested in having for a friend either.

 

Oh, yes, and you might tell him if he decides to get counselling, you don't recommend his father's clinic (DON'T).