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Paternity test or not?


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I'm not quite sure whether this belongs on this or the Infidelity Board.

 

I have posted my story before. In brief my H commenced an A with a married woman in mid-February 2002. In mid-October 2002 she gave birth to a son who was brought up as her H's child. My H tells me that a few days before they first had sex she told him she'd just found out she was pregnant.

 

The A more or less ended a few years later but they continued to have sporadic contact until about a year ago when her H died unexpectedly. My H was completely thrown by this as it completely changed the dynamics of the A. I found out about it nearly 8 months ago and as a result he "chose" me and went NC with her. NC was initially broken by me when a few weeks ago I finally had the strength to visit her and return some gifts she had given him over the years. Whether this was right or wrong, it felt right for me to get closure. After that she phoned my H in an attempt to get him to meet with her behind my back. He told her "no" and told me about it. I had already let her parents-in-law know of the A and after she contacted my H I let her older son know of the A (he is legally an adult).

 

Anyway my dilemma is that in the back of my mind is the thought that her son may be my H's son. I would like there to be a paternity test to determine for sure but my H is against this as it's clear to me that he is convinced that the boy is not his. He makes the valid point that NC will need to be broken to arrange testing although there's no necessity for them all to meet as the appointments can be arranged separately but he will need to contact her to get her agreement.

 

There would be financial implications to us, but that wouldn't be a major problem to us. In fact I already know the OW gets a very generous superannuation payment form her H's employer which would quite possibly exceed any child support my H would have to pay so I can see why it's in her interest to maintain that he is her dead H's son.

 

What do you all think about whether this paternity test should go ahead? If so, what is the best way to convince her of its desirability? We could just leave it. I feel my own children have a right to know if they have a brother and I don't really want this issue to come back and bite us in a few years.

 

S

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fooled once

WHY do you want to know so badly?

 

And your H is against it.

 

And for all you know, the mother may be against it.

 

Yes, the tests can be performed without anyone seeing anyone.

 

And I wouldn't be so sure on the whole C/S issue. Just because she gets money from the estate doesn't mean IF your H is the father, he would not have to pay.

 

IF you pursue this, and because of telling others of her affair, she may go after him for past c/s if he is the father.

 

AND what about visitation? IF your H is the father, I am guessing he may actually WANT to be in his child's life. Which will mean contact with the mother.

 

How are you going to handle that?

 

Birthday parties, sporting events, school stuff, graduation, marriage -- etc. How are you going to do that?

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bentnotbroken

Syd, let this one go. Your H doesn't want to break NC and a child shouldn't have any part of his life uprooted over a suspicion. If he is indeed your H, the time will come when the truth will come out. For now, let it be and work on your recovery with your H.

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I wouldn't think that you or your husband could force her to have her child tested for paternity without there being a valid paternity case filed in the courts and then the courts would order the test..

 

It seems she has not claimed her son is your husbands so why would you think you have the authority to have her son tested ?

 

Why the need to know ?

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First of all - I'm not in the USA so the rules here might be a bit different.

 

I'm not talking about an inheritance from a deceased estate but a superannuation pension from the deceased husband's employer's superannuation fund. This would reduce significantly if it were found that the boy was not his son but could be offset by whatever support my H would have to pay.

 

As I already said the financial costs are not a concern to me nor is the idea that my H would have to support the child and possibly "be a dad" to him. However I think my H would have some difficulty with the idea; but I'm fairly sure that would change if he is my H's son.

 

To get a court ordered paternity test here, someone with standing needs to apply to the court. My H, my children and my parents-in-law would have this standing and maybe me as well even if it's just on behalf of my own children. However legally forcing it is not my first choice. So I would be hoping to get consent from the OW.

 

As to "why" I want to know - I just do - and also feel that all family with a possible relationship to him have that right. As the boy is only 6 years old the test itself is unlikely to bother him any more than any other medical visit. If my H is not the father then there would be no further disruption to his life. If my H is the father then obviously we'd all need to work out the best thing to do for all in the circumstance. This child's life has already been seriously disrupted by the death of his "father" and the revelations of his mother's affair with my H. I don't want to increase the disruption but feel that other parties including my own children have rights.

 

In an ideal world my H will not be the father and we don't have to face this.

 

S

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OP, you seem to be obsessed with the OW. Your husband has managed to let the A go, but mentally you haven't learned to let the OW go. You see her as competition, plain and simple. I wonder why you haven't left your husband for having cheated on you?

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OP, you seem to be obsessed with the OW. Your husband has managed to let the A go, but mentally you haven't learned to let the OW go. You see her as competition, plain and simple. I wonder why you haven't left your husband for having cheated on you?

 

Yes I'm still recovering from this gross betrayal - so I'm still overly focused on the OW, why it happened etc and whether if her son is my H's she will continue to have a hold on him.

 

I agree it was a competition - as I've said in other posts, one in which I didn't want to be and a "competition" in which my H entered me without my knowledge or consent.

 

My H and I are working hard at recovering and rebuilding our marriage - he basically did the "usual" (from reading this discussion board) MM thing of begging and pleading etc and severed contact with the OW despite the fact that he genuinely cared for her (the A went on for many years).

 

Now back to the paternity issue - am I to take it that most of those who have posted are not at all in favour of finding out whether the child is my H's son?

 

S

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bentnotbroken

(((Syd))) I know you are having a hard time. But I see your strength growing. You really are healing even if you can't see it.

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Now back to the paternity issue - am I to take it that most of those who have posted are not at all in favour of finding out whether the child is my H's son?

 

S

 

Do you have any more evidence other than your hunch that her son was fathered by your husband ?.. I mean .. the story he tells is that she was already pregnant and if that is true then the son isn't his..

 

Do you have a belief that he isn't telling the truth ?

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whichwayisup

Hire a lawyer and let the courts deal with this if you don't want to deal with her directly.

 

Has he seen this kid? Does he look like your H?

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I've been (am?) in a situation kind of similar. Let's just say that there's a question mark about my stepson's paternity. I was once of a mind like you are...I wanted to know if my stepson is really our son's half brother or not.

 

I'll never know. I let it go long ago. He's family to me plain and simple. That child isn't and more than likely never will be family whether he's a bio kid of H's or not. We have to look at the big picture in life sometimes. Is satisfying your curiosity worth the drama?

 

I mean it's highly unlikely that you'll ever be one big happy family.

 

I say let it go.

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Yes I'm still recovering from this gross betrayal - so I'm still overly focused on the OW, why it happened etc and whether if her son is my H's she will continue to have a hold on him.

 

I agree it was a competition - as I've said in other posts, one in which I didn't want to be and a "competition" in which my H entered me without my knowledge or consent.

 

My H and I are working hard at recovering and rebuilding our marriage - he basically did the "usual" (from reading this discussion board) MM thing of begging and pleading etc and severed contact with the OW despite the fact that he genuinely cared for her (the A went on for many years).

 

Now back to the paternity issue - am I to take it that most of those who have posted are not at all in favour of finding out whether the child is my H's son?

 

S

 

Do you honestly want this relationship to work? Or did you not want a divorce because just the thought of having him around you is better than knowing he's with her?

 

I'm in favor of you doing something for yourself, and not what you call giving your H a piece of mind ( from knowing that the boy might not be his child). You're lying to yourself if you think seeking a paternity test is going to end the A ( in your opinion), because 1) the A has already ended but you're still thinking of the OW , 2) getting a paternity test would not heal any wounds that you've suffered and is still suffering through, and 3) you would simply find another reason to get back in contact with the OW.

 

Your husband's past actions were selfish, and simply forgiving him was just not as a strong enough punishment for being unfaithful. You should be angry with him instead, you took him back and is now only redirecting your anger towards the OW.

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Do you have any more evidence other than your hunch that her son was fathered by your husband ?.. I mean .. the story he tells is that she was already pregnant and if that is true then the son isn't his..

 

Do you have a belief that he isn't telling the truth ?

 

I don't know whether he is telling the truth but I suspect he is.

 

However I have no basis for believing that she told him the truth at the time.

 

This was a concern to my H, as when the baby was born he added up the weeks. As many of you know the time from conception to birth is actually 38 weeks however it is often said to be 40 weeks as it is dated back to the first day of the last menstrual period rather than the date of conception. Babies can be born 2 weeks early and still be considered to be full term.

 

S

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Do you honestly want this relationship to work? Or did you not want a divorce because just the thought of having him around you is better than knowing he's with her?

 

I'm in favor of you doing something for yourself, and not what you call giving your H a piece of mind ( from knowing that the boy might not be his child). You're lying to yourself if you think seeking a paternity test is going to end the A ( in your opinion), because 1) the A has already ended but you're still thinking of the OW , 2) getting a paternity test would not heal any wounds that you've suffered and is still suffering through, and 3) you would simply find another reason to get back in contact with the OW.

 

Your husband's past actions were selfish, and simply forgiving him was just not as a strong enough punishment for being unfaithful. You should be angry with him instead, you took him back and is now only redirecting your anger towards the OW.

 

Where did I call it "giving my H a piece of my mind" or did you mean "peace of mind"? Either way that's not what I called it - it was more about knowing myself and for my own children.

 

Yes I want my marriage to work but frankly that's not the issue I'm asking about in this thread - my M will work (or not) irrespective of whether the boy is my H's son - sorry if I gave you the impression it was conditional.

 

Actually your tone is rather offensive - are you an OW who thinks you have rights to screw other woman's H's? Just asking because you seem to want to discuss things other than the merits of getting a paternity test.

 

S

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I don't know whether he is telling the truth but I suspect he is.

 

However I have no basis for believing that she told him the truth at the time.

 

This was a concern to my H, as when the baby was born he added up the weeks. As many of you know the time from conception to birth is actually 38 weeks however it is often said to be 40 weeks as it is dated back to the first day of the last menstrual period rather than the date of conception. Babies can be born 2 weeks early and still be considered to be full term.

 

S

 

There might already be documentation of her pregnancy dates in the ultrasound pictures..

She might also have the documentation for the pregnancy test done before the affair happened.

 

It would seem to me that the chances were very slim considering all that was posted.

 

Have you thought about the emotional damage that could be done if you are wrong about it all.. considering that her husband has passed away the son must be a mess and she is most likely also and the added stress of it all might not be a very good thing considering the affair is over and you are working on your marriage...

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Hire a lawyer and let the courts deal with this if you don't want to deal with her directly.

 

Has he seen this kid? Does he look like your H?

 

I'd rather not force the issue legally - at least not until it's clear there would be no co-operation from the OW. I am nearly qualified as a lawyer myself and will be by the time we would ever consider court. Not that I'd want to take the case myself but at least I'll know what the legal opportunities are.

 

The child bears a slight (but not overwhelming) resemblance to my H and our own children. But he's just 6 years old.

 

S

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There might already be documentation of her pregnancy dates in the ultrasound pictures..

She might also have the documentation for the pregnancy test done before the affair happened.

 

It would seem to me that the chances were very slim considering all that was posted.

 

Have you thought about the emotional damage that could be done if you are wrong about it all.. considering that her husband has passed away the son must be a mess and she is most likely also and the added stress of it all might not be a very good thing considering the affair is over and you are working on your marriage...

 

Apparently there's nothing conclusive other than her word that she was pregnant already.

 

Not sure about the emotional damage that will be done if he's not my H's son. What will be the additional damage if he is not my H's son? He need never know about the tests unless she chooses to tell him.

 

I can forsee an upheaval in all of our lives if he is - but I wouldn't consider that my responsibility.

 

She is a mess there's no doubt about that.

 

I'm getting the impression that many posters think that it is not the right thing to do to find out if the boys is my H's sons. That surprises me somewhat.

 

S

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Where did I call it "giving my H a piece of my mind" or did you mean "peace of mind"? Either way that's not what I called it - it was more about knowing myself and for my own children.

 

Yes I want my marriage to work but frankly that's not the issue I'm asking about in this thread - my M will work (or not) irrespective of whether the boy is my H's son - sorry if I gave you the impression it was conditional.

 

Actually your tone is rather offensive - are you an OW who thinks you have rights to screw other woman's H's? Just asking because you seem to want to discuss things other than the merits of getting a paternity test.

S

 

No, I'm not an OW, never have been, and probably never will.

 

I'm just a little concerned about how a pt test would help you in anyway. You seem determined to know, so to discourage to pursue such a course would be a waste of effort on my part.

 

Suppose the child does turn out to be his? Would you think you'd be happy at having known the truth, or would you just simply end up more enraged than before because he was what you thought he was?

 

And would you accept the fact that your husband fathered another child?

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I can forsee an upheaval in all of our lives if he is - but I wouldn't consider that my responsibility.

 

 

 

S

 

In what way would that not be your responsibility? You would be responsible for suggesting the test and bringing the truth to the surface. You would be responsible for your husband's actions if the child is his and he decides he wants partial custody. You would be responsible if he gets back in contact with the OW because of the child.

 

You get the idea.

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And I'm surprised that you're surprised. Have you ever been a step parent? It's one of the hardest things imaginable. I see nothing gained by doing this. Do your kids even know about this affair?

 

And what of the child who believed one man was his dad? You'd be ok with pushing this? How would it be explained to him that the dad he thought was his wasn't really? Isn't it enough that he's suffered the loss of his father?

 

I strongly believe you'd be making one of the biggest mistakes of your life by pursuing this. It has disaster and heartache for all parties, written all over it.

 

But I do wish you luck in whatever you decide.

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No, I'm not an OW, never have been, and probably never will.

 

I'm just a little concerned about how a pt test would help you in anyway. You seem determined to know, so to discourage to pursue such a course would be a waste of effort on my part.

 

Suppose the child does turn out to be his? Would you think you'd be happy at having known the truth, or would you just simply end up more enraged than before because he was what you thought he was?

 

And would you accept the fact that your husband fathered another child?

 

Thanks for answering that you're not an OW but oh what a straw man you raise!

 

I'm angry at my H but the knowledge of whether he has another son will not further enrage me. I can accept that he fathered another child but can still hope that he didn't.

 

S

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In what way would that not be your responsibility? You would be responsible for suggesting the test and bringing the truth to the surface. You would be responsible for your husband's actions if the child is his and he decides he wants partial custody. You would be responsible if he gets back in contact with the OW because of the child.

 

You get the idea.

 

Hmm yes you must be right of course - it will be entirely my responsibility that the boy is my H's son and if so, for the decisions my H and the boy's mother make about custody and access. :rolleyes:

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And I'm surprised that you're surprised. Have you ever been a step parent? It's one of the hardest things imaginable. I see nothing gained by doing this. Do your kids even know about this affair?

 

And what of the child who believed one man was his dad? You'd be ok with pushing this? How would it be explained to him that the dad he thought was his wasn't really? Isn't it enough that he's suffered the loss of his father?

 

I strongly believe you'd be making one of the biggest mistakes of your life by pursuing this. It has disaster and heartache for all parties, written all over it.

 

But I do wish you luck in whatever you decide.

 

No I've not been a step parent - but appreciate its difficulties.

 

However it's not just about me - I guess what surprises me is that some do not seem to believe that a child has the right to know his father and vice versa.

 

Yes my children know of the affair but not about the boy. If he is not my H's son then there's no need for them to know the detailed timing of the A.

 

Thanks for your opinion that it will be a disaster - the decision is by no means made as yet.

 

S

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Thanks for answering that you're not an OW but oh what a straw man you raise!

 

I'm angry at my H but the knowledge of whether he has another son will not further enrage me. I can accept that he fathered another child but can still hope that he didn't.

S

 

It's good that you're angry at your husband, but you're seeking other people to carry out that anger. If you're angry at your husband, scream at him, tell him how much you hurt, instead of going about things in self denial. It's okay to feel betrayed, because you know how selfish of a person he is and how much you wish you could make him suffer.

 

And in any case, you can be selfish for once and walk away from him. Maybe a divorce is better than having to constantly imagine him with another woman for years.

 

Whatever your decision is, wish you the best. I think in all of this, if you do carry out with the pt test, the only person you'll hurt are the children, not him.

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The child bears a slight (but not overwhelming) resemblance to my H and our own children. But he's just 6 years old.

 

S

 

i think it's ur H's call whether to find out or not bc the paternity in question is his.

 

but it doesn't seem like he wants to deal w the responsibility and consequences of possibly (or in this case likely) fathering a child outside M.

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