Paternity test or not?

[Emme]

I will be amazed if this works as this thread was started by me more than 2 years ago.

 

Anyway this issue has not gone away. My H consulted a lawyer who is an expert in the field. The lawyer has drafted a very sensitive and "nice" letter to the OW (and mother of the child, now 8 years old) requesting a paternity test. It will be sent today.

 

We will see what comes of it...

 

Perfect! Get it out the way and no more concerns after it is done.

[Tayla]

Shucks! You should have just appeared on Maury, He would have shouted : He is NOT the baby Daddy

 

In your country, do they really have rights given to step parents?

[RepairMinded]

I'd be really surprised if a judge would order such a test against the OW's wishes after all this time--8 years after the birth of the child in question.

 

The judge will ask your h to explain why he waited so long to ask for a paternity test. "Hiding it from my wife" is not an answer that will get the DNA test ordered.

[Woman In Blue]

I completely understand why you feel compelled to tie up this loose end, Syd. You see this as an unlocked door that could be shoved wide open at any given time, and you'll have no control whatsoever if it happens. No one likes ugly surprises that alter the landscape of their lives and they can't do a thing about it. Finding out under a controlled process will take away any element of surprise that might be flung at you in the future.

 

So yes, I totally get why you feel the need to settle this once and for all.

 

I do have to say that I find it highly suspicious that your husband has been SO against this procedure. I GET that it's embarrassing for him and he may feel horrified at intruding on this woman and her son to get DNA testing done, but at the same time, something just doesn't feel right about this. I get the nagging feeling that he's been deadset against it because he KNOWS more than he's letting on.

[denise_xo]

I completely understand why you feel compelled to tie up this loose end, Syd. You see this as an unlocked door that could be shoved wide open at any given time, and you'll have no control whatsoever if it happens. No one likes ugly surprises that alter the landscape of their lives and they can't do a thing about it. Finding out under a controlled process will take away any element of surprise that might be flung at you in the future.

 

So yes, I totally get why you feel the need to settle this once and for all.

 

Ditto. I fully understand that you have a need to have this settled, and I think you have a right to know. I hope it's the answer you want.

[Silly_Girl]

In your shoes it would have driven me half-mad, at a low-level, below the surface, simmering kind of a way.

 

Hope things work out for you.

[Eeyore79]

Presumably the woman's husband put his name on the child's birth certificate as the father. If your husband believed he was the biological father, he could have gone to court to be recognized on the birth certificate, but there is a time limit on when he was allowed to do this. After eight years, no court will accept DNA evidence of your husband's paternity; regardless of who is the biological father, the woman's deceased husband is the legal father,which is all that counts.

 

If the deceased husband's name is on the child's birth certificate, and he acted as a father figure for a number of years without his paternity being challenged, then as far as the courts are concerned he is the child's father. Even if your husband takes a paternity test which shows he is the biological father, this does not mean that he has any right to become the legal father at this point. Sorry, but it's too late for your husband to try to claim paternity now, especially if the child's mother objects to him doing so.

 

I suggest you just let it go - at this late stage proving that your husband is the biological father will not give him the right to see the child, and will not entitle him to pay child support. All it will do is upset everyone concerned and possibly affect the money that the mother gets to support the child.

Edited June 24, 2011 by Eeyore79

[PhoenixRise]

I think Sid and her husband do not live in the USA. So perhaps the view of the courts in her country are different regarding length of time passed and the right to sue for a paternity test even if the mother objects.

 

I get why she would want to know for sure.

[Silly_Girl]

oh touche. you succeeded in getting a little underhanded jab in. Yippee dippee for you.

 

I can assure you that was nothing of the sort. How could you think it was? What on earth type of a 'point' could I be scoring with such a 'jab'?

 

I feel for Sid, it's the type of thing I'd not be going nuclear about on a daily basis but it would always be in my mind and I'd find it hard to put it to bed.

 

My ex had a sort of similar issue so I have some understanding.

[Eeyore79]

I think Sid and her husband do not live in the USA. So perhaps the view of the courts in her country are different regarding length of time passed and the right to sue for a paternity test even if the mother objects.

The laws in other countries aren't totally dissimilar - European laws are even tougher on paternity than the US is! I guess it depends where she lives, but I still don't think a court will bastardize a child who has lost his daddy.

[Silly_Girl]

I was kept from my bio-dad, I wish I either a) never knew he existed, or b) got the chance to know him...

[waytogo]

Wow, so sorry for your sitch Sid. I find myself in the minority here. There are merrits to each side of the arguement tho. I'm not sure asking her to just be satisfied to wonder about something so serious is fair. When her H was a WH before she was sure, would anyone suggest she just close her mind to it because that's not pleasant to know?

 

Sid has stated she is considering her own childrens' interest in making a decision also. If it came out down the line there was another sybling, OW son and Sid's kids could resent being kept in the dark.

 

Hopefully it would never come to this, but what if any of the children in question had a serious health matter some day. Best donor match is most easily found among blood relatives. If any of them ever needed bone marrow for example, wouldn't it be best if there was already a R in place as apposed to desparately trying to find the possibility of a match while dealing with an illness also?

 

Anyway you look at it, 2 adults made choices that affect others. Now all adults are going to have to sort thru as best they can to do the best for the children they can. What sucks worse, is no matter what they decide, there will be plenty of others that would tell them their decision is wrong.

[SidLyon]

When I re-opened this thread I realised that some people might not work out that it was 2 years old and might start responding to the old posts. I've been caught that way myself.

 

I also hadn't read through it and so had forgotten what had been said before.

 

Some people made comments about the law/court/judges, and some were incorrect for where I am. The laws here and in the USA are similar but not identical. I am a lawyer myself and capable of distinguishing those posters that know what they are talking about from those who don't have a clue...

 

There is a rebuttable presumption that a H is the father of a woman's child. A DNA test is something that can displace that presumption. There is no time limit here on a court recognising a paternity test, but the court does take into account the best interests of the children involved. My children are recognised as having interests, because if my H were to die, another biological child could affect their inheritance rights under the law here. The court would balance the best interests of the OW child, and also any other children. To do that the court would first need to be satisfied that the other child was in fact a biological child.

 

Anyway as I thought I said, the court is not involved. At my H's request a polite/sensitive/nice request for a voluntary test has been sent by the lawyer to the OW. The OW herself suggested he go through lawyers when they last spoke more than 2 years ago.

 

It could be more than a month before he hears...

Edited June 25, 2011 by SidLyon

[IzzyB]

Why has your husband finally agreed to proceed with this two years later ? Could the results affect the money the child has been receiving since his fathers death? And finally, please tell me that I read it wrong that you told the this womans oldest child, after his fathers death, that his mother had cheated on his father. Bad enough if you told him before. I'm sure I read that wrong. And how old was he when you told him?

[SidLyon]

Why has your husband finally agreed to proceed with this two years later ?

 

I think the clincher was probably when my H's mother, who is unwell, recently asked about whether she had another grandchild.

 

Could the results affect the money the child has been receiving since his fathers death?

 

I don't know the answer to this as the OW has not shared her financial situation with me, and there has been NC with my H. I have talked to the BW, of the other MM, who has been screwed over financially by the OW.

 

And finally, please tell me that I read it wrong that you told the this womans oldest child, after his fathers death, that his mother had cheated on his father. Bad enough if you told him before. I'm sure I read that wrong.

 

Yes I told the OW's son and also her dead BH's parents. As it turned out it wouldn't have been news to them because the OW had also been having an A with another MM. The other MM left his own BW and 4 children for the OW, about 6 months after the death of her BH.

 

And how old was he when you told him?

 

A young adult.

 

Answers in bold above. It ought to be obvious that I believe in honesty and transparency and that includes exposure of the APs.

[jj33]

Sid I hope this goes well for you (meaning its not your Hs child) so that you can totally close this chapter of your life.

 

Take good care

[Lady vs Panda]

I have only skimmed through this thread, as it spans two years, so maybe I missed this. And I completely understand why you want to know, it's pretty obvious. But I wonder, what do you think you will do if it turns out the child is his? It seems you will introduce the child into your family, which is good, but will it reopen wounds in your marriage? I am trying to imagine the impact.

[IzzyB]

Sid thank you for answering my questions. How the heck did you find out that there was another MM and when did you contact the BW? You didnt mention this in your 2009 posts, so Im guessing this was recent?

[SidLyon]

I have only skimmed through this thread, as it spans two years, so maybe I missed this. And I completely understand why you want to know, it's pretty obvious. But I wonder, what do you think you will do if it turns out the child is his? It seems you will introduce the child into your family, which is good, but will it reopen wounds in your marriage? I am trying to imagine the impact.

 

I'm hoping the boy isn't his but if he is then at least I'm mentally/emotionally as prepared as I can be.

 

I guess what I will "do" is to try to support my H and kids through some rather difficult changes in our family life. In some ways it will be up to my H and the OW to work out the role my H will play in the boy's life. I know my H will want to establish a relationship with the boy.

[SidLyon]

Sid thank you for answering my questions. How the heck did you find out that there was another MM and when did you contact the BW? You didnt mention this in your 2009 posts, so Im guessing this was recent?

 

I found out for sure about the other MM less than a year ago.

 

See these threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240784/

 

and

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t241702/

 

I did contact the other BW and we have become friends and meet up sometimes as well as keeping each other updated. I never ever expected to make a friend in such circumstances!

[Tayla]

When I re-opened this thread I realised that some people might not work out that it was 2 years old and might start responding to the old posts. I've been caught that way myself.

 

I also hadn't read through it and so had forgotten what had been said before.

 

Some people made comments about the law/court/judges, and some were incorrect for where I am. The laws here and in the USA are similar but not identical. I am a lawyer myself and capable of distinguishing those posters that know what they are talking about from those who don't have a clue...

 

There is a rebuttable presumption that a H is the father of a woman's child. A DNA test is something that can displace that presumption. There is no time limit here on a court recognising a paternity test, but the court does take into account the best interests of the children involved. My children are recognised as having interests, because if my H were to die, another biological child could affect their inheritance rights under the law here. The court would balance the best interests of the OW child, and also any other children. To do that the court would first need to be satisfied that the other child was in fact a biological child.

 

Anyway as I thought I said, the court is not involved. At my H's request a polite/sensitive/nice request for a voluntary test has been sent by the lawyer to the OW. The OW herself suggested he go through lawyers when they last spoke more than 2 years ago.

 

It could be more than a month before he hears...

 

Thank you Sid for your perspective and versed knowledge in the legal field for your country of residency. Can you please be so kind to answer my earlier inquiry as to how you as a Potential Step parent have rights to summon the courts for this test? I respect laws of different lands yet there is a commonality that the "step" or potential step parent doesn't carry much rights on this matter at hand. Yes I did read that you went the way of the Lawyer writing a letter....thus a voluntary response...

[SidLyon]

Thank you Sid for your perspective and versed knowledge in the legal field for your country of residency. Can you please be so kind to answer my earlier inquiry as to how you as a Potential Step parent have rights to summon the courts for this test? I respect laws of different lands yet there is a commonality that the "step" or potential step parent doesn't carry much rights on this matter at hand. Yes I did read that you went the way of the Lawyer writing a letter....thus a voluntary response...

 

Tayla; as a potential step parent my "rights" are limited. Under family law I could possibly take some action on behalf of my minor children, who if they are half-siblings would have rights under family law. The court before accepting that any half-siblings have rights to get to know each other, would first order a paternity test.

 

However I also have rights as a beneficiary of my H's estate. Any child of his also has rights. Under the inheritance laws here (I can cite it if you want me to) then because another (the possible child) has potential rights, in competition with mine (and my own children), the court can be asked to make a declaration of paternity. This would enable any biological child to claim. It does not need to wait until my H has died either.

 

Obviously the court would only make such a declaration after satisfying itself that the child is the biological child, so the court would first order a paternity test before making any declaration of paternity.

 

As I already said, the court is not being invoked yet. Just a request for voluntary test.

 

If it were to get to the stage of seeking a court order or declaration my H would be the one to do it anyway, as he clearly can do so under either family law or estate law.

 

I hope this clarifies and I should add a disclaimer, in typical lawyer-speak, that this is not intended to represent legal advice to anyone. Just talking about myself.

Edited June 29, 2011 by SidLyon

[SidLyon]

Shucks! You should have just appeared on Maury, He would have shouted : He is NOT the baby Daddy

 

In your country, do they really have rights given to step parents?

 

Hmm Tayla just found your post...

 

Is this a polite way of posting in your country?

[Tayla]

Hmm Tayla just found your post...

 

Is this a polite way of posting in your country?

 

Aww thanks Sid for taking the time to find ONE of the post, and to tickle your fancy its a funny line used in America, take it with tongue in cheek style humor

 

As to the question at the end of the matter, yes I sincerely was inquisitive as to whether step parents do carry rights, Nothing wrong in asking as its POLITE to ask then to be ignorant and a baffoon. You graciously answered my question though in your other post line, so G'day to you .

[SidLyon]

Aww thanks Sid for taking the time to find ONE of the post, and to tickle your fancy its a funny line used in America, take it with tongue in cheek style humor

 

As to the question at the end of the matter, yes I sincerely was inquisitive as to whether step parents do carry rights, Nothing wrong in asking as its POLITE to ask then to be ignorant and a baffoon. You graciously answered my question though in your other post line, so G'day to you .

 

No worries.

 

I had to google the maury thing.