Paternity test or not?

[Touche]

The child did know his father, didn't he? That's the man who was raising him. Your H, if he's really the "father", in my book is nothing more than a sperm donor.

 

Does a child have a right to know his sperm donor? And whose decision is that to make?

[Adunaphel]

I agree with the other posters that it would not be a good idea to insist having a paternity test performed.

The risk of causing emotional damage to the child is just too high.

(and OW is probably going to fight like a tiger to protect her son).

[fooled once]

No I've not been a step parent - but appreciate its difficulties.

 

I HAVE been a step parent for 11 years.

 

Difficult doesn't even BEGIN to describe it. I think you are under a false impression of how incredibly HARD it is to be a step parent.

 

Your husband doesn't want this.

 

It really isn't YOUR place to make the decision.

 

Leave it alone.

[Touche]

I HAVE been a step parent for 11 years.

 

Difficult doesn't even BEGIN to describe it. I think you are under a false impression of how incredibly HARD it is to be a step parent.

 

Your husband doesn't want this.

 

It really isn't YOUR place to make the decision.

 

Leave it alone.

 

Couldn't agree more...on all counts.

[SidLyon]

The child did know his father, didn't he? That's the man who was raising him. Your H, if he's really the "father", in my book is nothing more than a sperm donor.

 

Does a child have a right to know his sperm donor? And whose decision is that to make?

 

 

I don't know the answers to these questions.

 

S

[SidLyon]

I HAVE been a step parent for 11 years.

 

Difficult doesn't even BEGIN to describe it. I think you are under a false impression of how incredibly HARD it is to be a step parent.

 

- Maybe I am; although I'm a step daughter myself.

 

Your husband doesn't want this.

 

- No he doesn't.

 

It really isn't YOUR place to make the decision.

 

-Possibly not - do you think my children have any say in this or my husband's parents? - I'm guessign you don't.

 

Leave it alone.

 

I may do just this.

[Athena]

Apparently there's nothing conclusive other than her word that she was pregnant already.

 

If she had any suspicion of her son possibly being your H's, don't you think she would have used that to lure him away from you after her H died, and she wanted your H for herself?

If SHE doesn't think so, why would you...

[norajane]

My H tells me that a few days before they first had sex she told him she'd just found out she was pregnant.

Why would she do that if she weren't pregnant at the time? What possible reason would she have to say she was pregnant if she weren't?

 

Does your husband have any reason to believe he could have fathered a child with her? Didn't they use condoms?

 

Or do you think she told him she was already pregnant so they didn't have to use any birth control? And she wanted your husband to get her pregnant, and it actually worked right away?

[Owl]

What would your GOAL be in finding out the truth?

 

What outcome are you hoping would occur from all of this?

 

What do you expect would happen if the child WERE your H's?

 

These are the real questions here. I'm very, very curious about what you envision as an outcome if your H is the father...what do you think it would change for the better?

 

I'm curious about why you seem to feel the need to keep OW in your lives, rather than taking every possible measure to keep her out?

[SidLyon]

First is there someone that can help me with how to intersperses my replies as I can't seem to work it out.

 

Why would she do that if she weren't pregnant at the time? What possible reason would she have to say she was pregnant if she weren't?

 

Does your husband have any reason to believe he could have fathered a child with her? Didn't they use condoms?

 

Or do you think she told him she was already pregnant so they didn't have to use any birth control? And she wanted your husband to get her pregnant, and it actually worked right away?

 

Well first of all - condoms were never used.

 

Secondly my husband writes stories loosely base on his own experiences. He use to write a chapter and send them to her via his secret e-mail account - this started long before she became pregnant. I haven't really explained before but my H is very shy but writes brilliantly - he also has an alter ego has all the fantastic adventures in the fantasy world my H created. I have always known about this but never realsied that it had any reality outside my H's imagination. He used to write stories for me - I would come up with the plot and he the words - we even won a short story competition together - well actually he entered my story (written by him ) without even telling me and the first i knew about it was when I won.

 

Anyway this supposed fantasy character was lured into a relationship by a colleague in order to impregnate her - this is what I got from a chapter my H wrote for her at about the time she got pregnant. The character told the man she was pregnant immediately after they first had sex - not before. It was enough to give me doubts about everything - as others have pointed out it seem unusual that she would announce her pregnancy just before they first got together.

 

Also I got pregnant the very first time we tried (our wedding night) - he takes no drugs of any sort not even alcohol or coffee. What's more we had twins so there's no doubt he's very fertile.

 

S

[SidLyon]

I wish I knew how to intersperse properly!

 

What would your GOAL be in finding out the truth?

 

- Knowledge.

 

What outcome are you hoping would occur from all of this?

 

- I have no doubt that my H, children and his parents would want an ongoing relationship with the boy if he is my H's son. As for me - I'll manage. Obviously my H would support him financially too.

 

What do you expect would happen if the child WERE your H's?

 

- As above.

 

These are the real questions here. I'm very, very curious about what you envision as an outcome if your H is the father...what do you think it would change for the better?

 

- As above.

 

I'm curious about why you seem to feel the need to keep OW in your lives, rather than taking every possible measure to keep her out?

 

- I will be relieved if he is not my H's child as there will be no need for our families to have any further contact.

[Gus]

 

Now back to the paternity issue - am I to take it that most of those who have posted are not at all in favour of finding out whether the child is my H's son?

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

The OW's child was raised as her H's for 7 years. The child lost the only Dad he ever knew regardless of who the biological Father is. No one seems to want a paternaty test but you - is your need to know so strong that you would risk destroying a 7 year old child for the 2nd time?

[SidLyon]

The OW's child was raised as her H's for 7 years. The child lost the only Dad he ever knew regardless of who the biological Father is. No one seems to want a paternity test but you - is your need to know so strong that you would risk destroying a 7 year old child for the 2nd time?

 

Yes I do feel I have a need to know - I feel that more than 7 years has been taken from my life by the A (not the boy) and I'm trying to make sense of what happened. No I don't want to destroy a 6 year old boy which I suppose is why I'm exploring the idea.

 

I've already acknowledged that most on this board don't support the idea.

 

Given that his family - ie mother, older brother and all grandparents as well as the work colleagues of both my H and the OW (they worked together) plus some of the OW's neighbours all know of the A and it's timing vis a vis the child's birth - what do you think the likelihood is that someone else will eventually tell him - perhaps when he's older?

 

S

 

PS In the most unfortunate of coincidences the OW and her family live across the road from my father and stepmother. When I was a child a friend of mine lived in the house she now lives in.

[SidLyon]

By way of update we have now decided to put any suggestion of a paternity test on hold for the time being.

 

To be honest I was amazed that nobody seemed to think it a good idea - I thought there would be people both for and against it.

 

Anyway I do reject any suggestion that any harm to the child would somehow be caused by me - this just seems just another way of blaming the BW for the A and its consequences.

 

If she was already pregnant (and it would have been 2 or 3 weeks since conception at most when she began with my H) then frankly I wonder what sort of mother would have unprotected sex with another man having just found out she was pregnant; thus putting herself and her unborn child at risk of all sorts of things. One of these things is that the paternity of her child would be up for discussion for those in the know. If she wasn't pregnant then I can only assume that she wanted to be.

 

Either way my H wants me to forgive him and I have said I will provided I know what it is I'm forgiving -and frankly I would like to know whether that includes another child.

 

I also have a belief that a child has a right to know his parentage but that's just a belief I have that I'm under no obligation to push onto him. I don't think I'll ever enlighten him about the possibility that his mother's H was not his father but if someone else does then I'll be watching with interest to see as I'll almost certainly find out about it even if my H and I are not together - my own children will be involved no doubt.

 

Thanks for responding to those that did - I was given a few things to think about.

 

S

[Athena]

 

If she was already pregnant (and it would have been 2 or 3 weeks since conception at most when she began with my H) then frankly I wonder what sort of mother would have unprotected sex with another man having just found out she was pregnant; thus putting herself and her unborn child at risk of all sorts of things.

 

How soon can one tell one is pregnant? Isn't 2 weeks a little soon to know? I mean, unless she was trying to fall pregnant, and checked two weeks after ovulation?!... did she happen to say beforehand, if she and her H were trying to get pregnant?

[SidLyon]

How soon can one tell one is pregnant? Isn't 2 weeks a little soon to know? I mean, unless she was trying to fall pregnant, and checked two weeks after ovulation?!... did she happen to say beforehand, if she and her H were trying to get pregnant?

 

I know for a fact that I found out that I was pregnant 22 days after conception.

 

My H does not seem to know whether she was trying to get pregnant or whether it was an accident. He tells me she told him of her pregnancy just before they first had sex and the birth occurred just over 8 months later.

 

He says at the time of the birth (October 2002) he checked the dates and felt that it was unlikely the baby was his.

 

S

[Owl]

I will be relieved if he is not my H's child as there will be no need for our families to have any further contact.

 

If she's not pushing for child support...there is no need for further contact. PERIOD.

 

Frankly, from what you've described, it sounds like your husband TRIED to impregnate her deliberatedly...which makes me doubt what he says about the timeline to begin with.

 

Even if the child is his...there''s no need for further contact between the two families. He can provide her with his medical history, and she can raise the child on her own. Personally, I've never understood why a man has "fatherly rights" just because he schtupped someone...the only thing that 'earns him' is the right to pay child support if she sues for it.

 

If she's not making an issue of it, then don't keep this can of worms open and sitting in the sun...bury it already.

[fooled once]

Anyway I do reject any suggestion that any harm to the child would somehow be caused by me - this just seems just another way of blaming the BW for the A and its consequences.

 

Based on what you posted here, I disagree with you wholeheartedly as YOU are the one who WANTED the paternity test; NOT your husband who would be the "rightful" one who would need to pursue this.

 

YOU were the one saying 7 years have been taken from you (although I am not sure how).

 

Apples and oranges with the comparison of a BW for the affair.

 

She was unknowing of the affair.

 

You basically just want to know. Your husband doesn't - you do.

 

So yes, had you continued to ask/bug/nag whatever your husband until he relented and it did come out that it was his son, it only came to light because of you, then his little world crashing/changing whatever would have been all your doing. Because you stated he had no desire to know or to explore that avenue.

[PhoenixRise]

I disagree with most of the posters here.

 

 

I completely understand why Syd would want to know if her H fathered this child. I would want to know if I were in her shoes.

 

 

If this child is Sid's H's child not confirming that fact through testing will not change the fact that Sid's H is his biological father.

 

At the very least the child and his mother would deserve to have access to all the necessary medical history.

 

AND if the child's father (the man who raised him) is dead, maybe Sid's husband can play a valuable role in the child's life.

 

I completely disagree that any problems or chaos tht resulted from a dna test that confirmed Sid's H as the father would be Sid's fault.

 

The only fault would lie at the feet of the H and the OW who created the situation and who possibly created a child together.

 

I don't blame Sid for wanting all the cards on the table.

[SidLyon]

If she's not pushing for child support...there is no need for further contact. PERIOD.

 

Frankly, from what you've described, it sounds like your husband TRIED to impregnate her deliberatedly...which makes me doubt what he says about the timeline to begin with.

 

Even if the child is his...there''s no need for further contact between the two families. He can provide her with his medical history, and she can raise the child on her own. Personally, I've never understood why a man has "fatherly rights" just because he schtupped someone...the only thing that 'earns him' is the right to pay child support if she sues for it.

 

If she's not making an issue of it, then don't keep this can of worms open and sitting in the sun...bury it already.

 

 

No she's not seeking support as far as I can tell.

 

Maybe there was some sort of agreement between them that he would get her pregnant - I think from what he says that it's more likely that he was completely reckless about it and the thought that he might be just some sort of donor only occurred to him later.

 

I think the most likely scenario is that she was pregnant already - but I wouldn't mind knowing for sure - as another way of burying the can or worms of course.

 

S

[SidLyon]

Based on what you posted here, I disagree with you wholeheartedly as YOU are the one who WANTED the paternity test; NOT your husband who would be the "rightful" one who would need to pursue this.

 

YOU were the one saying 7 years have been taken from you (although I am not sure how).

 

Apples and oranges with the comparison of a BW for the affair.

 

She was unknowing of the affair.

 

You basically just want to know. Your husband doesn't - you do.

 

So yes, had you continued to ask/bug/nag whatever your husband until he relented and it did come out that it was his son, it only came to light because of you, then his little world crashing/changing whatever would have been all your doing. Because you stated he had no desire to know or to explore that avenue.

 

First of all my reference to 7 years was that I feel I have been living a lie for that long - I accept it's probably not relevant to the issue of a paternity test.

 

Astonishing that you use words like it would be all my doing if the little boy's world comes crashing down!

 

In your world, is no responsibility attached to the mother who either got pregnant by my H and passed the child off as her H's or alternatively decided to have sex with my H just after getting pregnant to someone else; thus putting the paternity of her unborn baby up for question?

 

It seems it's all my fault, the BW who as you point out was unknowing.

 

S

[NoIDidn't]

I think you should find out the paternity of the child if you need to know. There are over the counter tests now that only need a little saliva. The child could provide that without all this "damage" being bantered about.

 

The real question is what will you do with the information once you get it? If he isn't your H's, will you be relieved? If he is your H's, will you do....? What you will do with the information is the revelant thing.

[Art_Critic]

I think you should find out the paternity of the child if you need to know. There are over the counter tests now that only need a little saliva. The child could provide that without all this "damage" being bantered about.

 

The real question is what will you do with the information once you get it? If he isn't your H's, will you be relieved? If he is your H's, will you do....? What you will do with the information is the revelant thing.

 

What I don't understand is the belief that becuase her husband had an affair that somehow gives the BS all the right to a child's DNA without a court order... WTF ?

That child is the BS's responsibility.. no matter what..

and then throw in the death of his real father that the child is dealing with..

 

I'm anti affair and think cheaters do an enormous amount of damage to people in their lives and also believe that there is no good enough reason to cheat on a spouse but I also don't believe that should allow a whole set of privacy laws to just up in smoke and allow a BS access to information of a minor child without a court's approval.

 

If he were my child I would no doubt tell anyone looking for my son's DNA to eff off.. besides a court that is.. and would also feel the same if I found myself on the other side...

 

There isn't overwhelming evidence that the child is even his.. in fact the evidence points to the child not being his..

Sure.. a DNA test can be done without the child's knowledge but that child has rights too... and his DNA needs to be protected and not become part of a DNA bank that some day could be used against him somehow..

 

JMO

[jasminetea]

Yes I'm still recovering from this gross betrayal - so I'm still overly focused on the OW, why it happened etc and whether if her son is my H's she will continue to have a hold on him.

 

And that, I believe is the crux of this. Its not the fact that your H may or may not be the father of the OW's child, but that if he is, she may still have a hold over him.

 

Whilst getting a paternity test done would solve the problem (if it exists) once and for all, it doesn't really take into account the child in question and his emotional and mental wellbeing.

 

No I've not been a step parent - but appreciate its difficulties.

I don't think you appreciate the difficulties of step parenting a child who's mother you will resent at best, hate at worst.

 

However it's not just about me - I guess what surprises me is that some do not seem to believe that a child has the right to know his father and vice versa.

Why does the child have a 'right' to know his biological father? What difference will it make to him, apart from knowing his mother cheated on the man who raised him and loved him, and he was the result of that? Does he have the right to be put in that position?

 

Touche said it better: -

 

The child did know his father, didn't he? That's the man who was raising him. Your H, if he's really the "father", in my book is nothing more than a sperm donor.

 

Does a child have a right to know his sperm donor? And whose decision is that to make?

 

Also I got pregnant the very first time we tried (our wedding night) - he takes no drugs of any sort not even alcohol or coffee. What's more we had twins so there's no doubt he's very fertile.

S

Do you actually know how twins are created? It has little do with how fertile the man may be. Either a fertilised egg splits or two separate eggs are fertilised at the same time.

 

How old are you Sid?

[PhoenixRise]

If Sid wants to know about the paternity of this child who was concieved around the time of her H affair she should find out.

 

I think if it is important to Sid then her H should persue it until there are no more open questions.

 

Yes the child was raised by someone else for 6-7 years but he still has another 10-11 years to go before he is a legal adult. If Sid's H is the father, he could play an extremely valuable role in his life.

 

What if Sid's H is the father and the OW knows this and is lying? OW could show up the H's doorstep in another 6 years with an angry, out of control, teenage boy in tow claiming she needs help with THEIR son.

 

If Sid can live with the uncertainty of not knowing for sure and that is her choice....fine.

 

If there is always going to be a question in her mind regarding this issue. She and her H need to take the necessary measures to find out the truth.