Seems like a double standard

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks everyone for your responses. The reason I consider forgiving the WS a double standard is because most of us won't tolerate a cheater, and it would sound reasonable to just commence with D-DAY to get rid of them. So then why forgive?

 

How many of you really value your marriage vows? I would think if marriage vows were valued, your WS wouldn't have cheated in the first place?

 

If it's for the sake of the children and keeping the peace in the house then yes, you're not necessarily staying for love, but merely to to maintain the status quo.

 

Why would you subject yourself to be the person that can forgive a spouse? Merely because they apologize and initiate NC? As someone mentioned, their apologies might not even be sincere.

 

Hence my belief is that if you can't forgive an OW/OM, it's not reasonable to forgive your WS.

 

I mean no offense by this, but you're not married are you?

 

This is a view commonly held by those that aren't married or haven't been in the situation before. I'm not saying that you are wrong. But I am saying that you never know what you will do until you are in that situation. I always thought I would leave. But leaving and forgiving don't have to be mutually exclusive.

 

I don't see why the OM/OW needs forgiveness from the BS, though. People in marriages forgive each other for all kinds of things on a regular basis, or they don't have a very good relationship to begin with.

[ForumFool]

If the OW/OM broke the A off because they felt bad about what they were doing...and told the BS they were sorry then YES I feel they should be forgiven....true sorrow means one stops the behavior.....not one is caught or dumped. I feel the same about the A/P too....one who comes to a BS and tells them and STOPS ....that is very different from one who has been caught and then is....sorry...as they are mostly sorry they were caught ...Now forgiveness doesn't mean one has to hang with that person...Thats my view on it all anyhow

[bentnotbroken]

I mean no offense by this, but you're not married are you?

 

This is a view commonly held by those that aren't married or haven't been in the situation before. I'm not saying that you are wrong. But I am saying that you never know what you will do until you are in that situation. I always thought I would leave. But leaving and forgiving don't have to be mutually exclusive.

 

I don't see why the OM/OW needs forgiveness from the BS, though. People in marriages forgive each other for all kinds of things on a regular basis, or they don't have a very good relationship to begin with.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing. If you aren't married, never invested years, had children with. Gone trough illness, death, family reunions, births, family marriages, vacations, fights, make-ups, so on and so, there is no way that you can understand forgiving a WS. There are feelings, emotions (good or bad) for the person you have shared your life with. You know this person. In my case I had known him since we were children. The things that have been accomplished together can't be dismissed or under valued. These are all things that no one has with the AP.

 

You also implied that forgiveness meant the couple remained married. Forgiveness can still come with divorce. Trying to rationalize a marriage is like pulling the winning lottery numbers out of your azz. It ain't gonna happen.

[Owl]

Thanks everyone for your responses. The reason I consider forgiving the WS a double standard is because most of us won't tolerate a cheater, and it would sound reasonable to just commence with D-DAY to get rid of them. So then why forgive?

 

Here's the flaw in your thinking. Most of us won't tolerate CHEATING...it's not that we won't tolerate a cheater.

 

Once the spouse STOPS cheating, and takes actions to repair the damage they've done by doing so...they earn the opportunity for forgiveness. Given the loving bond that already existed, this should hardly be suprising.

 

That's why you forgive someone who CHEATED on you...as long as they aren't CURRENTLY A CHEATER. That's a different thing completely...you don't forgive someone who CONTINUES to act against you.

 

But given that there is no bond with the OP...there is no reason to ever accept them back into your life, regardless of what changes they might make. Why would you expect anything different?

 

How many of you really value your marriage vows? I would think if marriage vows were valued, your WS wouldn't have cheated in the first place?

 

That would make sense if the cheater was acting in a RATIONAL fashion.

 

But they don't. They're not. The completely set aside "reality", the completely ignore ANYTHING outside of the affair while it's ongoing. They typically don't even think about "breaking the vows"...for them...they step outside of reality for a while, and act as though those bonds never existed.

 

Once the affair ends...THEN they look at the bonds they shattered with regret and remorse. But during the affair...they normally don't even CONSIDER it. They totally compartmentalize the affair off from the rest of the world...including the marriage.

 

 

If it's for the sake of the children and keeping the peace in the house then yes, you're not necessarily staying for love, but merely to to maintain the status quo.

 

Why would you subject yourself to be the person that can forgive a spouse? Merely because they apologize and initiate NC? As someone mentioned, their apologies might not even be sincere.

 

Hence my belief is that if you can't forgive an OW/OM, it's not reasonable to forgive your WS.

 

Again...a BS has no bond with the OW/OM...they "owe" them nothing, nor do they ever seek a relationship with them again. ERGO...they have no REASON to forgive the OW/OM.

 

Since they DO seek a relationship with their spouse...since they typically have many years of prior relationship with their spouse...they do have a reason to forgive them.

 

What is so hard to understand about that?

 

I don't understand why you feel a BS SHOULD forgive the OW/OM? What motivation do you see for them to do so? What is the "benefit" for the BS, or the marriage, or anyone OTHER than the OW/OM?

 

Forgiving the WS has NOTHING to do with forgiving the OW/OM for most.

 

And, here's the deal. As I'd said...I can look back, see what the OM went through in my own situation. I can see how he hurt through all of this too. I don't wish him any ill anymore. As long as he stays out of my(our) lives, as long as he doesn't pose a threat to my marriage or family...he's welcome to live out his life in peace. I don't have any reason to hate him anymore...I'd say that I've forgiven him.

 

But that was my choice to do...it wasn't any kind of prerequisite for reconciliation or healing on my part. I had no "obligation" to do so.

[White Flower]

I never posted on the OW/OM forums before, but recent posts have gotten me thinking. If you're a married spouse ( be you male or female) and you've been cheated on, why would you tolerate giving your husband/wife another chance, when you can't even tolerate them having a OW/OM? Both of them cheated, not just one. So to forgive one over the other seems like a double standard.

 

You know you can't blame the OW/OM for " seducing" your spouse, both persons involved in an A are responsible for their own actions.

 

Hence, the question: why forgive?

Sometimes forgiving too much is not good for us.

 

I spent 25 years forgiving my exH's many unforgivable acts. In the end it ruined me financially.

 

H had an EA with a D'd damsel in distress. I since forgave them equally. Yet, I now believe over the years I was just too forgiving on so many things. Perhaps if I had been pushier, the situation I'm in right now wouldn't be so bad. I wonder if it is a virtue being a bitch.

[2sure]

I forgave my H's his infidelity basically because we were able to address the problem in him and within the marriage that resulted in the infidelity. The cheating itself was an end product of something repairable. OW was generic and of no consequence , so forgiving her was unnecessary.

[Gamine]

Thanks everyone for your responses. The reason I consider forgiving the WS a double standard is because most of us won't tolerate a cheater, and it would sound reasonable to just commence with D-DAY to get rid of them. So then why forgive?

 

How many of you really value your marriage vows? I would think if marriage vows were valued, your WS wouldn't have cheated in the first place?

 

If it's for the sake of the children and keeping the peace in the house then yes, you're not necessarily staying for love, but merely to to maintain the status quo.

 

Why would you subject yourself to be the person that can forgive a spouse? Merely because they apologize and initiate NC? As someone mentioned, their apologies might not even be sincere.

 

Hence my belief is that if you can't forgive an OW/OM, it's not reasonable to forgive your WS.

 

The OW never asked for my forgiveness. As for my husband, he had/has to do much, much more than simply initiate NC and promise not to screw around anymore. Trust me, I am a prized flower and the ball is now in his court to prove to me that he is a worthy mate. To prove my point to my husband I signed up on Match . com and received 60 EMAILS within 12 hours from men dying to date me.

 

So why would I 'settle' for less? Good question. I'm not going to settle. He has to up his ante and make himself worth my time and frankly I'm giving him the opportunity to show me what he's capable of. Now he is vying for my attention and proving himself to me all over again. Because... it isn't enough for me to have a man who 'promises' to keep Mr. Johnson under tow. I require more... much more than that. So, in deference to how I see the vow I took and in deference to 15 years together, I'm giving him a shot at it.

 

OW seem to also 'forgive' the MM who return to the wife repeatedly. Why do they, I wonder, especially when there's no commitment or history worth a darn?

 

In my situation, I believe that the OW is probably still pretty angry over the fact that she worked her *ss off and still wound up empty handed. I suppose I might be willing to hear her sob story and think about forgiving her if that was a bridge to cross. However, she felt used and sees me as her nemesis not vice versa.

[PhoenixRise]

Sometimes forgiving too much is not good for us.

 

I spent 25 years forgiving my exH's many unforgivable acts. In the end it ruined me financially.

 

H had an EA with a D'd damsel in distress. I since forgave them equally. Yet, I now believe over the years I was just too forgiving on so many things. Perhaps if I had been pushier, the situation I'm in right now wouldn't be so bad. I wonder if it is a virtue being a bitch.

 

 

White Flower

 

This post resonated with me. There have been times in my life where I look back and know that I was too forgiving.

 

Or maybe I should say, I think I had the wrong idea about what forgiveness really is. I would forgive then try to wipe the slate clean and try to go on as I had never been wronged. Now, for me, forgiveness does not mean the slate get wiped clean or that I don't protect myself from being harmed further. It just means I am not out to get you and I am no longer angry.

[angie2443]

Sometimes forgiving too much is not good for us.

.

 

I have that bieng too forgiving turned me into a kind of door mat. I've learned my lesson.

 

White Flower, I don't know your current situation but I hope it gets better for you.

[SidLyon]

 

...OW seem to also 'forgive' the MM who return to the wife repeatedly. Why do they, I wonder, especially when there's no commitment or history worth a darn?...

 

 

I have often wondered why this is?

 

After d-day it seems quit typical that the MM spends some time vacillating between his W and the OW. If the oft quoted adage that "MM don't usually leave their wives for the OW" is mostly true then why do OW continually forgive the MM when he returns to his W? At the same time they seem to criticise the BWs for also forgiving their Hs for the A.

 

S

[White Flower]

White Flower

 

This post resonated with me. There have been times in my life where I look back and know that I was too forgiving.

 

Or maybe I should say, I think I had the wrong idea about what forgiveness really is. I would forgive then try to wipe the slate clean and try to go on as I had never been wronged. Now, for me, forgiveness does not mean the slate get wiped clean or that I don't protect myself from being harmed further. It just means I am not out to get you and I am no longer angry.

Yes I agree. Some people have it built in while others learn it later in life. I always thought forgiving was so virtuous but now wonder if it didn't teach him to walk all over me. I guess some do and some don't take advantage of that. My ex was narcissistic so he definitely did.

[White Flower]

White Flower

 

This post resonated with me. There have been times in my life where I look back and know that I was too forgiving.

 

Or maybe I should say, I think I had the wrong idea about what forgiveness really is. I would forgive then try to wipe the slate clean and try to go on as I had never been wronged. Now, for me, forgiveness does not mean the slate get wiped clean or that I don't protect myself from being harmed further. It just means I am not out to get you and I am no longer angry.

 

I have that bieng too forgiving turned me into a kind of door mat. I've learned my lesson.

 

White Flower, I don't know your current situation but I hope it gets better for you.

Hmm, well I haven't posted about it but he left me the house just after we refied it then the market pummeled and I'm working on a loan mod. Public auction is tomorrow but I just heard today that my lender is going to work with me. Scary business but I think it's going to be a good week. My start-up business is growing and I landed a part-time job this week as well. Thanks for the well-wishes.

[White Flower]

I have often wondered why this is?

 

After d-day it seems quit typical that the MM spends some time vacillating between his W and the OW. If the oft quoted adage that "MM don't usually leave their wives for the OW" is mostly true then why do OW continually forgive the MM when he returns to his W? At the same time they seem to criticise the BWs for also forgiving their Hs for the A.

 

S

I think it is about the love. Sad, isn't it?

[SidLyon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SidLyon

I have often wondered why this is?

 

After d-day it seems quit typical that the MM spends some time vacillating between his W and the OW. If the oft quoted adage that "MM don't usually leave their wives for the OW" is mostly true then why do OW continually forgive the MM when he returns to his W? At the same time they seem to criticise the BWs for also forgiving their Hs for the A.

 

S

 

I think it is about the love. Sad, isn't it?

I think it is about the love. Sad, isn't it?

 

It is sad because believe it or not the BW is often forgiving for exactly the same reason. However the OW often refuses to believe that the BW might love her H and is not some dreadful women who is luring the poor MM back to a marriage he despises.

 

The proof is in the pudding as they say - do MM usually choose their wives when confronted with no option but to make a choice?

 

S

[White Flower]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SidLyon

I have often wondered why this is?

 

After d-day it seems quit typical that the MM spends some time vacillating between his W and the OW. If the oft quoted adage that "MM don't usually leave their wives for the OW" is mostly true then why do OW continually forgive the MM when he returns to his W? At the same time they seem to criticise the BWs for also forgiving their Hs for the A.

 

S

 

I think it is about the love. Sad, isn't it?

 

 

It is sad because believe it or not the BW is often forgiving for exactly the same reason. However the OW often refuses to believe that the BW might love her H and is not some dreadful women who is luring the poor MM back to a marriage he despises.

 

The proof is in the pudding as they say - do MM usually choose their wives when confronted with no option but to make a choice?

 

S

I don't know the stats, but I'm sure more often than not he stays put. It could be for love or it could be for responsibility. I am not of the persuasion that BWs are dreadful women in any way shape or form. I tried to save my M when I learned of my exH's EA and I temporarily 'won'. But these things are not really competitions. People are really right for each other or they aren't.

[silktricks]

Spouse - terminates affair, comes and tells me about it and begs my forgiveness. Shows sincere remorse.

 

OW - doesn't accept affair is over. Continues to email until account must be closed. Continues to call until phone must be changed, even years later leaves little love notes in mailbox. Ends by apparently throwing rocks at our cars...

 

And for some reason you feel that if I don't forgive her I shouldn't forgive him?

 

Sorry, I think you've drunk too much of the purple punch.

[White Flower]

Spouse - terminates affair, comes and tells me about it and begs my forgiveness. Shows sincere remorse.

 

OW - doesn't accept affair is over. Continues to email until account must be closed. Continues to call until phone must be changed, even years later leaves little love notes in mailbox. Ends by apparently throwing rocks at our cars...

 

And for some reason you feel that if I don't forgive her I shouldn't forgive him?

 

Sorry, I think you've drunk too much of the purple punch.

Sounds like you definitely got stuck with a bunny boiler, wow!

[NoIDidn't]

Sorry, I think you've drunk too much of the purple punch.

 

You crack me up! LOL

[Crusoe]

Hi, I only recently joined so this reply is a little late.

 

The OM was a so called friend and my ex I had known over half my life. He had always fancied her from afar and she was feeling neglected because I had been ill. Took another 4 years for me to find out, "so sorry, we really regret it, it just happened, didn't last long".

I forgave neither, tried too but couldn't, had no respect left for either of them. To me its simple, you don't lie and you don't cheat, no excuses. That's the rules, quite fair and no double standards.

[Impudent Oyster]

I never posted on the OW/OM forums before, but recent posts have gotten me thinking. If you're a married spouse ( be you male or female) and you've been cheated on, why would you tolerate giving your husband/wife another chance, when you can't even tolerate them having a OW/OM? Both of them cheated, not just one. So to forgive one over the other seems like a double standard.

 

You know you can't blame the OW/OM for " seducing" your spouse, both persons involved in an A are responsible for their own actions.

 

Hence, the question: why forgive?

 

I must be missing something here...what does not tolerating a cheating spouse have to do with giving them another chance?

 

I won't tolerate a a teenager who breaks curfew, that doesn't mean I'm not going to give them another chance.

 

Now, all that aside, why forgive? Because you LOVE your spouse, because you are each others best friends, because you would be miserable without them, because they are good parents, because you've been through hell and high water with them and have gotten through worse and you'll get through this, I could go on and on and on....

 

I would ask why NOT forgive? The only answer I can think of is because your spouse isn't remorseful, doesn't love you, is in love with someone else or you just plain don't like them.

 

The very worse reason not to forgive is because of pride. People who say they could never forgive a cheating spouse out of spite will live to regret it.

 

I don't see any double standard at all. A double standard would be if you said you wouldn't tolerate cheating but then looked the other way if they did it again.

[Impudent Oyster]

.

 

Hence my belief is that if you can't forgive an OW/OM, it's not reasonable to forgive your WS.

 

I couldn't disagree more.

 

Why would I need to forgive a non-entity? The OW is/was NOTHING to me, nothing to my children, nothing to my life, and ultimately nothing to my husband except a huge mistake.

 

I wouldn't give my feelings about her (if I had any for her one way or another), 10 seconds of energy.

 

Seriously, why would a BS even consider the OP?

[Spark1111]

I never posted on the OW/OM forums before, but recent posts have gotten me thinking. If you're a married spouse ( be you male or female) and you've been cheated on, why would you tolerate giving your husband/wife another chance, when you can't even tolerate them having a OW/OM? Both of them cheated, not just one. So to forgive one over the other seems like a double standard.

 

You know you can't blame the OW/OM for " seducing" your spouse, both persons involved in an A are responsible for their own actions.

 

Hence, the question: why forgive?

 

I think I forgave her first! She was a single mom, lonely and vulnerable to anyone's attention after a bitter divorce with her exH.

 

I saved the wrath primarily for my WS, where it truly belonged.

 

However, in an effort to heal, I tried calling her three times, calmly holding out an olive branch. I thought, three adults in a triangle, three adults get hurt.We all live in a rather small region of the northeast and the possibility exists we will "run" into each other one day.

 

She never returned my call. I don't think I will forgive her for that. Just rude and immature on so many levels. Reformed my opinion of her that week. Too bad.

[herenow]

I couldn't disagree more.

 

Why would I need to forgive a non-entity? The OW is/was NOTHING to me, nothing to my children, nothing to my life, and ultimately nothing to my husband except a huge mistake.

 

I wouldn't give my feelings about her (if I had any for her one way or another), 10 seconds of energy.

 

Seriously, why would a BS even consider the OP?

 

Exactly, just like the OW didn't break any vows because she isn't married to the BW, the BW owes nothing to the OW. The BW should only be concerned with her H and if they both agree to stay married, what does that have to do with the OW?

[taylor]

my belief is that if you can't forgive an OW/OM, it's not reasonable to forgive your WS.

 

No double standard here.

 

It takes ALOT of emotional effort and alot of soul searching to forgive someone.

 

When someone gets cheated on they decide whether they have to decide whether they want to put the time, energy and effort into forgiving their spouse.

 

Some search their souls and decide it's not worth it..and they divorce their spouse, giving them not one ounce of forgiveness.

 

For those BS who choose to stay married to a cheater (for WHATEVER reason) they KNOW they HAVE to forgive their cheating spouse for the marriage to work. It's a requirement, whether they like it or not. So, if the goal is to save the marriage, they have to forgive, kiss and make up.

 

There is NO motivation whatsoever to forgive an OW/OM. The BS is not trying to SAVE a relationship with them. There never was a relationship, so there's nothing to "work on." No need to try to understand them, no need to try to accept them, no need to try to forgive them.

 

The relationship between the BS and the OW/OM amounts to this: You hurt me and I hate you for it. Period. The dynamic between these two people becomes static. There is no need for it to move beyond that.

 

While I see no double standard with regard to forgiveness, I do see a double standard with respect to how a BS views the moral character of their spouse, compared to the moral character of the OW/OM.

 

Rather than focusing on how morally bankrupt their spouse is, BS focus on how morally bankrupt the OM/OW is. The OP is called trash, low-life, skank, whore. But if the cheating spouse laid down with this piece of trash, low-life, skank whore, what does that make him..he who is married?

 

You can forgive your spouse for cheating, but it doesn't mean your spouse is any better than the trashy, low-life skank whore he cheated with. He is as morally bankrupt as the OW/OM, if not moreso.

 

Perhaps it's because in the process of forgiveness, BS have to convince themselves their cheating spouse wasn't so "BAD"...BS have to minimize their cheating spouses's behavior...in order to forgive them. Psychologically, they have to change their perspective of their cheating spouse in order to forgive them.

 

But others who can look at the WS and the OW/OM objectively KNOW one is not any more morally bankrupt than the other.

 

The other double standard I see is in how some BS respond to the affair right after D-day. They want to HURT to OP. And some do...they beat them up or kill them. But they don't do the same to their cheating spouse who is the one they really should be directing their anger at. It's the cheating spouse who betrayed the BS. It's the cheating spouse who lied. It's the cheating spouse who broke the marriage vows. It's the cheating spouse who possibly gave you an STD.

 

Yet, in many cases, right after D-day, many BS direct their anger at the OP, rather than at the WS. They want to hurt the OP, rather than hurt the one that truly hurt them.

[bentnotbroken]

One of the assumptions demonstrated on this thread is that when reconciliation happens, it includes forgiveness...sometimes it does not. It just means they have decided to move forward in whatever capacity they chose.