Re: opinions

[Miranda]

OK. This is bad. Very bad.

 

No, you are not crazy, but I am sure you feel that way because crazy things are happening around you.

 

From my point of view, this is NOT going to get any better unless a miracle happens. Such miracles don't happen too often.

 

Your wife has:

 

1) lied to you

 

2) betrayed you

 

3) cheated on you, whether she had sex with this man or not.

 

4) seems like she is not willing to work on the relationship.

 

You and your wife need to make a decision whether or not to stay married. It has to be mutual, or you will be forever miserable. Honestly, I don't think she deserves you. Any woman who would cheat on her husband ONCE will do it again and AGAIN. You two are young. Do you REALLY see yourself growing old with a woman who behaves this way? It would be best if YOU end it now. If you don't, she will not respect you and will continue to make your life miserable.

 

Regardless, do NOT give up medical school. You need something to focus on. I don't things are going to get any better between you two...and you will need something to focus on aside from the crumbling marriage or you WILL self-destruct.

 

Yes, you need to seek professional help ASAP. Mental and emotional distress is a disease that can not be neglected and needs to be taken care if as if it were like any other medical disorder.

 

There IS a confidentiality clause that can be broken IF and only IF you are a danger to yourself or others, but this is for your own good. You will not be publically disgraced or anything. But, considering the circumstances, you are probably depressed and see no way out.

 

If you can, talk to your family and any close friends, or even academic advisors. Medical school is difficult enough, without the addition of your personal life, and I am sure they have a network of support for med students.

 

You need as much emotional support as you can get.

 

Please detatch yourself from this poisonous relationship STAT.

 

Good Luck & keep us posted.

[Tony T]

So you're the first guy she's ever been with that hasn't popped her? I wonder why?

 

You need to be a doctor and a good one. Your spouse will drag you down in a major way. You're a fool if you quit medical school and shun a wonderful career for a woman who will treat you the way she does.

 

1. Am I crazy, did I cause all of this?

 

No, you are not responsible for someone else's behavior. You do have a problem with obsessing with her underhanded activity. That's why you've got to get her out of your life soonest so you can find someone a bit more trustworthy and a bit less screwed-up.

 

2. Do I have a right to be upset?

 

You have a right to be any way you want. It sounds like she has lied to you and the letters reflect she did more than play tiddly winks in her encounters with other men. But don't stay upset for too long. This lady isn't worth expending that kind of energy. You are never doing yourself a favor by frequenting circumstances that tend to upset you.

 

3. Is it reasonable to expect the entire story, a confrontation, & resolution with this other guy?

 

It is not reasonable to expect anything. It is very nice to get the truth but most of the time we only get what we are going to get based on a person's trustworthiness and truthfulness. There is simply no way in holy hell your wife will EVER be honest with you about this unless she is on a polygraph, where deception can be detected, or given truth serum.

 

4. I'm 1 of those people that feels he needs to know everything, so if I don't know everything will I ever be satisfied? I feel like I will always have this hanging over me.

 

If she is out of your life, eventually it won't matter at all. I personally would want my doctor to know as much as possible about everything medical...that would make me feel good. But if I was having heart surgery by a doctor who was preoccupied with whether or not his wife had ever cheated on him, I would be nervous as hell...even under anestheia.

 

5. Am I being on reasonable in my expectations, asking her not to stay with Traci after the last situation?

 

If your trust in your spouse is at such a low point that you have to control who she stays with while she's out of town, you are in MEGA trouble. If she is so weak minded, she is vulnerable to the whims of anybody. Why would you want a spouse where you would have to plan each day's total activities to keep her behavior straight? ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF??? You are going to become a doctor, which tells me you are way above average in intelligence.

 

No human, nowhere is worth having in your life if you have to keep an eye on them 24/7 and have them consume your thoughts as your spouse is now.

 

6. Am I the bad guy here?

 

There is no good or bad here. That is a judgement. But she is showing behavior that is not consistent with your ethics, morals, core beliefs or what you expect in a spouse. So you are allowing yourself to be victimized and have your life controlled by a wild woman you mistakenly married. The mistake is correctable. Is it too late to get back into medical school???

 

7. I have been told that a therapist can/will turn in a patient if they feel that patient is or could become a threat to him/herself or someone else. Is this true & if I seek counseling could I find myself in legal trouble?

 

A therapist is legally obligated in most states to report to authorities a patient who is highly suicidal and needs immediate hospitalization and treatment or who he/she feels is an immediate threat to causing physical harm to himself, another person or their property.

 

If you are talking about yourself here, you can get help without disclosing those thoughts. However, if you are so out of it that you would consider self mutiliation or assault on another person, YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF SOME HELP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Do you understand how you are letting one scummy person ruin your whole life??? Do you understand that your whole career as a physician is going down the drain and will do so further if you do something stupid to get you thrown out of school.

 

I think you really do need some help. But the first step is to help yourself and get away from your honey babe that's causing you this mental stress. Resolve yourself to never put yourself in a situation or around a person that is not constructive and positive in your life.

 

See you at graduation, Doctor!!!

[Med]

Oh by the way I need to tell you what happened today. Just a preface, I have not cheated on her. I thought about it, you know revenge & all but I couldn't. We were arguing over the phone & she said 1 of my friends told her that he/she had heard that I had cheated on her. She wouldn't tell me who. She just said that I guess you know who your friends are. This has bothered me for 2 days. I've asked a couple of them & everyone denies it. Well today I told her that this was driving me nuts. So she tells me

 

"I made that up, I just wanted to see what you'd say."

 

Any thoughts??

[MA]

hi,

 

Tony and Miranda are right. I think they have a lot more background in psychology than I but nonetheless I thought I'd write back. Med school is awful or so I've been told from friends who have attempted it. It must be hard to deal with your exhausting course load as well as a wife who is dragging you down. I know it is much easier said than done, especially after you have tied the knot, but you just need to let this one go. If you don't, you will constantly be doubting that she is telling the truth about any minute that she is not with you. And I can imagine that with you in school there is alot of time that she is not with you. While you are still young and free of children ( I think) you need to sever the ties with this one. You have plenty of years ahead of you and plenty of time to find miss right. Don' t let this woman rob you of your life and a wonderful relationship that you will find down the road. By the letters it sounds like she has already betrayed you enough and is not at all remorseful, to turn around and attack you when you ask about the truth only sounds to me like she is trying to hide something by avoiding the subject and making you the bad guy. Trust me, I have been in relationships before where every time you try to talk to your girlfriend/boyfriend they try to turn it around and make you the bad guy. All it does is lower your self esteem and nobody needs that. I hope that this has helped, if nothing else, atleast you found your way to this website and people who understand or have been through your situation. I just came here yesterday for the first time and in reading the other posts and responses I have learned so much about myself and other people. It is awesome to get opinions from people who aren't a part of the situation. They don't have loyalties to either side, just an honest opinion. Good luck with everything, keep on posting.

OK here's the deal I found these letters to & from my wife. I don't know what to do or think. I'm looking for advice. The letters are at the bottom. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have no reference or clue on what to do or to think. I am a 25-year-old medical student that got married last July to my 24-year-old girlfriend. We had spent a year apart during my first year of school and agreed that we should get married before she gave up her job & moved 1000's of miles away from her family (also where mine are roughly). Anyway she has never lived more than a couple hours away from her mother & was miserable when she moved with me to school. She was depressed a lot & we argued more than normal. Every disagreement always ended with, "Well I'm not the 1 that wanted to come here, you made me!" I came to the conclusion that it was going to be my medical career or my marriage. I decided that marriage was forever & what good would a career be without someone to share it with.

 

I came to this conclusion during Spring Break. She had gone home while I stayed back to study. Once she came back we talked a lot the first 2 days. During this time I found that she had a secret email account. I confronted her & she said that the reason that she had this account was because I was to possessive & she said that she needed privacy. I took this hard b/c I had been open about everything but I understood. I asked her if the only reason she had the account was privacy not that she was cheating on me or anything. She assured me that she hadn't & wasn't. Swore that that she hadn't but confessed that she was miserable. Our constant arguing had made me depressed as well so I told her that if I had to choose between the 2, she won. I was going to call my Dad the next day to tell him I was leaving school. Before I did I decided I'd clean out the hard-drive of my computer. In there I found several letters from 2 guys she had relationships with over the 3 weeks she was in Chicago. Person "C" she said simply sent her letters but she never corresponded with him or did anything else. He simply found her email address & wanted to go out with her. Person "G" she did finally admit to. She said she slept with him twice. Well to cut out a lot of arguing etc. we decided that we would stay together and try to work things out. One of the things I needed though was complete honesty from then on. Instead I was told (1) I slept with him twice, (2) I only kissed him, and (3) he only tried to kiss me but I wouldn't let him!?! These explanations were spread out over weeks anytime the subject came up. So now I don't know what to believe? I asked her why the different answers? "I just told you what you wanted to here." Well which 1 do I believe? "Believe the last 1." Why? "Because that's the truth." But how can I know that? "Because I'm not lying." Now is it just me or does that not make any sense. So whenever I try to get the full story she explodes, ranting & raving telling me I'm a paranoid, psychotic, controlling, a**h***. She then proceeds to declare this isn't going to work b/c I'm to obsessive. I am obsessive. I want to know the truth. I want to know what happened. I want to confront the jerk that she did this with. I simply want closure. Now we are moving back to the area where this whole incident occurred. There is the chance I may run into this guy. What I want is to get things square so that he doesn't think I'm coming after him or his friends decide to come after me. My wife thinks I'm being an a**h***, that I'm poisoning this relationship. The thing is I am the only male in her life that hasn't beaten her. The 1st time we argued (while dating) she was shocked when I didn't slap her!? I insisted that we had get counseling if we were going to stay together. She said that she had to go by herself & get herself straightened out before we could be straightened out. Things were going well till she went home early while I finish up final exams, then she started hanging out with her friend that encouraged her to mess around & have some fun while she was home last time which led to this whole situation. I have told her that I hate this destructive woman. Even though I can't stand this woman I am not going to tell her never to see her again. What I asked her to do was, at least while I was still away, not to stay at her house. She said she wouldn't then last weekend her dad told me that she was staying @ Traci's!?! And of course after staying at Traci's everything (her infidelity, my family, her life) is all my fault. She has spent hours making me feel completely worthless and troubled. I am now at the point that I don't know what's right anymore. She says that I have to get counseling & that if I don't it's over. Which is if you remember what I wanted to do in the 1st place. My questions are: 1. Am I crazy, did I cause all of this? 2. Do I have a right to be upset? 3. Is it reasonable to expect the entire story, a confrontation, & resolution with this other guy? 4. I'm 1 of those people that feels he needs to know everything, so if I don't know everything will I ever be satisfied? I feel like I will always have this hanging over me. 5. Am I being on reasonable in my expectations, asking her not to stay with Traci after the last situation? 6. Am I the bad guy here? 7. I have been told that a therapist can/will turn in a patient if they feel that patient is or could become a threat to him/herself or someone else. Is this true & if I seek counseling could I find myself in legal trouble? Medical schools in & of itself is incredibly stressfully but throw in all my marital problems & I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm like I'm going to snap. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, a piece of garbage, & a bad person. I am a former collegiate athlete & my wife feels that if I confront this guy I'll lose my temper and go to jail, but all I want is this matter resolved. My brothers say I should kick her to the curb but I have never been in love before & have always believed that marriage is forever. I just don't know what to think anymore. Here are the letters. What do you think?

 

------------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 14:15:34 -0600 Keeping busy. Kinda tired. I almost fell asleep in a meeting. Yikes. Glad you had a great time. I sure did. I think there is a chance that things can work out between us. Least it seems as if we have a great time around each other. I'm optimistic! Well, I'd write more but have to run!!! -G -----Original Message----- From: P Hello G! How is work going? I am currently in C--- waiting for my brother to get off for lunch. As you can now tell I have access to a computer so I decided to write you! What's new and exciting with you since I last saw you? Granted it wasn't that long ago! I certainly had a great time last night! Thank you for everything! I am looking forward to Friday! I always have a great time with you! You are great company! I really think things could go great between us. I am anxious to see what the future holds for us. I really think after last night that I will start feeling more comfortable around you! I feel more comfortable already! Man, I am so excited that we ran into each other a couple weeks ago. I can't even explain how strong my feelings really are for you. I really hope things go well between us. I think they will don't you?! Well, I'm hogging someones spot so I have to move. I will write more later. G, you really are amazing in all sense of the word. I can't wait to see you on Friday! P ---------------------------------------------

 

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 12:49:08 -0600 It sure was good to just relax and hang Sat & Sun. I called it an early night and had no regrets doing so. My NCAA picks are pretty much shot! Only if MSU and Duke make it to the final will I come out semi-ok. I wanted to thank you for a fun Friday nite. It was cool just to hang w/ you and talk. As far as worrying about me in the sack, not to worry. I just had a lot on my mind. I'm sure you understand. You did nothing wrong. I'm curious to see what you wrote 5 pages on. Geez, that's a term paper! I do see how you could though, your emails are 2 pages. I'm gland you understand (somewhat) where I sit here. I will certainly give things a shot between us, you have my word on that. It's just that I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with everything...big emails, letters & phone calls & the fact you are married. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don'twant to hear from you, it's just a lot to ingest for me. I work at a slightly slower pace. So don't be dismayed if you think I'm not responding quick enough or don't have lots to say, I'm just ingesting...

 

I'll let you know more about the Knoxville trip as I do. Well, I have to run to a meeting. Take care! -G ------------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 23:02:55 GMT Hi P I miss you. I know that right now you are at a hard time in your life. The last thing you probley need is a serious relationship. Which really sucks because thats exactly what I want, at least from you. However I felt I needed to let you know this. No matter how you feel. That's just the way things go. I think I'm falling in love. C- --------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 17:56:21 GMT Hey P, how are you? I'm pretty scared right now. I need to know if you still care about me. Please call me or at least e-mail me. There is nothing that hurts more than just not calling me. C-

[Miranda]

She's lying or the so-called 'friend' is lying.

 

Forget this. If she needs to lie to assuage her guilt, you don't need her.

[Med]

Thank you. I appreciate the advice

[EMs]

She's lying or the so-called 'friend' is lying. Forget this. If she needs to lie to assuage her guilt, you don't need her.

 

Yup, good way to test you, eh?! She's being rather unintelligent. Take the time to realize you don't have time for this kind of crap. Cheating is no joke or no test. I'd expect my boyfriend to gladly and acceptedly throw me out on my ear for even a joke re: cheating. It's not acceptible and you will either be strong on this or continue on the road of her assuaging her guilt or little unappropriate tests. Hold your ground and be who you are and who you want to be for her. Think about how thrilled you are to call her yours and decide if it's worth teaching her that cheating is no small deal or a funny little ordeal to get attention... good luck and may you find a happy heart, be strong. Ems

[Sweet Daddy]

Ok #####4brains,

 

Lets take a step in the way back machine and think about this...We have married her b/c we love her b/c of how she makes us feel: loved, safe, happy, complete, and important. I don't think that I really need to speak to the fact that this current situation i spretty much the exact opposite of what a partner is supposed to do! C'mon on mate! Wake up and smell the rotten tuna! She is a a self-centered, spoiled little bitch who needs a man with no spine and a large bank account. Get rid of her now whilst you have no$$, and not 25 years down the line when she is doing the lawn-boy and gets half of your big ass medical paycheck!

 

As a med student, you should know that she is not worth this effort of energy...it takes something like 20 or 30 muscles to frown (something I assume you have been doing lots of lately) and only 2 to flip someone off. So save some energy, raise that middle finger, and drop her soon-to-be expanding into a fat load of an ass.

OK here's the deal I found these letters to & from my wife. I don't know what to do or think. I'm looking for advice. The letters are at the bottom. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have no reference or clue on what to do or to think. I am a 25-year-old medical student that got married last July to my 24-year-old girlfriend. We had spent a year apart during my first year of school and agreed that we should get married before she gave up her job & moved 1000's of miles away from her family (also where mine are roughly). Anyway she has never lived more than a couple hours away from her mother & was miserable when she moved with me to school. She was depressed a lot & we argued more than normal. Every disagreement always ended with, "Well I'm not the 1 that wanted to come here, you made me!" I came to the conclusion that it was going to be my medical career or my marriage. I decided that marriage was forever & what good would a career be without someone to share it with.

 

I came to this conclusion during Spring Break. She had gone home while I stayed back to study. Once she came back we talked a lot the first 2 days. During this time I found that she had a secret email account. I confronted her & she said that the reason that she had this account was because I was to possessive & she said that she needed privacy. I took this hard b/c I had been open about everything but I understood. I asked her if the only reason she had the account was privacy not that she was cheating on me or anything. She assured me that she hadn't & wasn't. Swore that that she hadn't but confessed that she was miserable. Our constant arguing had made me depressed as well so I told her that if I had to choose between the 2, she won. I was going to call my Dad the next day to tell him I was leaving school. Before I did I decided I'd clean out the hard-drive of my computer. In there I found several letters from 2 guys she had relationships with over the 3 weeks she was in Chicago. Person "C" she said simply sent her letters but she never corresponded with him or did anything else. He simply found her email address & wanted to go out with her. Person "G" she did finally admit to. She said she slept with him twice. Well to cut out a lot of arguing etc. we decided that we would stay together and try to work things out. One of the things I needed though was complete honesty from then on. Instead I was told (1) I slept with him twice, (2) I only kissed him, and (3) he only tried to kiss me but I wouldn't let him!?! These explanations were spread out over weeks anytime the subject came up. So now I don't know what to believe? I asked her why the different answers? "I just told you what you wanted to here." Well which 1 do I believe? "Believe the last 1." Why? "Because that's the truth." But how can I know that? "Because I'm not lying." Now is it just me or does that not make any sense. So whenever I try to get the full story she explodes, ranting & raving telling me I'm a paranoid, psychotic, controlling, a**h***. She then proceeds to declare this isn't going to work b/c I'm to obsessive. I am obsessive. I want to know the truth. I want to know what happened. I want to confront the jerk that she did this with. I simply want closure. Now we are moving back to the area where this whole incident occurred. There is the chance I may run into this guy. What I want is to get things square so that he doesn't think I'm coming after him or his friends decide to come after me. My wife thinks I'm being an a**h***, that I'm poisoning this relationship. The thing is I am the only male in her life that hasn't beaten her. The 1st time we argued (while dating) she was shocked when I didn't slap her!? I insisted that we had get counseling if we were going to stay together. She said that she had to go by herself & get herself straightened out before we could be straightened out. Things were going well till she went home early while I finish up final exams, then she started hanging out with her friend that encouraged her to mess around & have some fun while she was home last time which led to this whole situation. I have told her that I hate this destructive woman. Even though I can't stand this woman I am not going to tell her never to see her again. What I asked her to do was, at least while I was still away, not to stay at her house. She said she wouldn't then last weekend her dad told me that she was staying @ Traci's!?! And of course after staying at Traci's everything (her infidelity, my family, her life) is all my fault. She has spent hours making me feel completely worthless and troubled. I am now at the point that I don't know what's right anymore. She says that I have to get counseling & that if I don't it's over. Which is if you remember what I wanted to do in the 1st place. My questions are: 1. Am I crazy, did I cause all of this? 2. Do I have a right to be upset? 3. Is it reasonable to expect the entire story, a confrontation, & resolution with this other guy? 4. I'm 1 of those people that feels he needs to know everything, so if I don't know everything will I ever be satisfied? I feel like I will always have this hanging over me. 5. Am I being on reasonable in my expectations, asking her not to stay with Traci after the last situation? 6. Am I the bad guy here? 7. I have been told that a therapist can/will turn in a patient if they feel that patient is or could become a threat to him/herself or someone else. Is this true & if I seek counseling could I find myself in legal trouble? Medical schools in & of itself is incredibly stressfully but throw in all my marital problems & I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm like I'm going to snap. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, a piece of garbage, & a bad person. I am a former collegiate athlete & my wife feels that if I confront this guy I'll lose my temper and go to jail, but all I want is this matter resolved. My brothers say I should kick her to the curb but I have never been in love before & have always believed that marriage is forever. I just don't know what to think anymore. Here are the letters. What do you think?

 

------------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 14:15:34 -0600 Keeping busy. Kinda tired. I almost fell asleep in a meeting. Yikes. Glad you had a great time. I sure did. I think there is a chance that things can work out between us. Least it seems as if we have a great time around each other. I'm optimistic! Well, I'd write more but have to run!!! -G -----Original Message----- From: P Hello G! How is work going? I am currently in C--- waiting for my brother to get off for lunch. As you can now tell I have access to a computer so I decided to write you! What's new and exciting with you since I last saw you? Granted it wasn't that long ago! I certainly had a great time last night! Thank you for everything! I am looking forward to Friday! I always have a great time with you! You are great company! I really think things could go great between us. I am anxious to see what the future holds for us. I really think after last night that I will start feeling more comfortable around you! I feel more comfortable already! Man, I am so excited that we ran into each other a couple weeks ago. I can't even explain how strong my feelings really are for you. I really hope things go well between us. I think they will don't you?! Well, I'm hogging someones spot so I have to move. I will write more later. G, you really are amazing in all sense of the word. I can't wait to see you on Friday! P ---------------------------------------------

 

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 12:49:08 -0600 It sure was good to just relax and hang Sat & Sun. I called it an early night and had no regrets doing so. My NCAA picks are pretty much shot! Only if MSU and Duke make it to the final will I come out semi-ok. I wanted to thank you for a fun Friday nite. It was cool just to hang w/ you and talk. As far as worrying about me in the sack, not to worry. I just had a lot on my mind. I'm sure you understand. You did nothing wrong. I'm curious to see what you wrote 5 pages on. Geez, that's a term paper! I do see how you could though, your emails are 2 pages. I'm gland you understand (somewhat) where I sit here. I will certainly give things a shot between us, you have my word on that. It's just that I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with everything...big emails, letters & phone calls & the fact you are married. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don'twant to hear from you, it's just a lot to ingest for me. I work at a slightly slower pace. So don't be dismayed if you think I'm not responding quick enough or don't have lots to say, I'm just ingesting...

 

I'll let you know more about the Knoxville trip as I do. Well, I have to run to a meeting. Take care! -G ------------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 23:02:55 GMT Hi P I miss you. I know that right now you are at a hard time in your life. The last thing you probley need is a serious relationship. Which really sucks because thats exactly what I want, at least from you. However I felt I needed to let you know this. No matter how you feel. That's just the way things go. I think I'm falling in love. C- --------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 17:56:21 GMT Hey P, how are you? I'm pretty scared right now. I need to know if you still care about me. Please call me or at least e-mail me. There is nothing that hurts more than just not calling me. C-