My husband is having a child with another woman.

[mdkrjds]

Oh,where to start.OK, 6 months ago my husband and I had been having some really bad marriage problems so we decided to spend a little time apart.We live in IL and my family lived in NC so I was going there to visit them for a while.Well,after I left he moved in this woman that I knew and considered a friend, although I hardly saw her,into our apartment.I found out about it from someone else(he wasn't going to tell me!) and after I got done with my crying and feeling sorry for myself I started to build a life for myself and our now 3 year old son here in NC.

 

Well, a little over a month after he did that he called me crying saying he had made a huge mistake and wanted his family back.I also found out that he had cheated on me with this same person 2 years ago but didnt tell me for fear of losing me.He is bipolar and if anyone here knows anything about that it is not only a hard disease for the person to deal with but also his loved ones.Being bipolar can cause you to have very impaired judgement and do things at times that you regret later.He always said nothing was wrong with him before but he now acknowledged that he did need help.So he started going to counseling and trying to get on meds for bipolar.I learned everything i could about it and talked to many people.I talked to my husband alot and he sounded like an altogether different person.

 

So after we talked for a while I decided to take our child and go visit him.He seemed so different.Like he wanted nothing more than for us to work out.So I decided to give him another chance.Anyway I had to come back to NC for a while to take care of some things and had plans for my husband to come after us next week to go back to IL.Things were really starting to look up.

 

Well,I talked to my husband today and he told me he had been put on meds which is really good news cuz its taken the docs 5 months to get him on something.But then he told me he had been hiding something from me for a few weeks but he thought I deserved to know.He told me that this woman he cheated on me with is 5-6months pregnant.He said she had known for a while now but wasnt going to tell him.But a few months ago she was calling my husband(while I was visiting)and trying to cause trouble.But she never said anything about being pregnant.He is not planning on telling any of his family about this b/c he knows they will be upset(they all hate this woman).

 

I do not feel I can have this woman in my life at all.I talked to my husbands counselor today and she said she believes I am right,that considering the circumstances of what happened between the 3 of us that I would not be able to live with this woman in my life.But if I stay with my husband she will always be there.And shes caused trouble in our relationship twice already i know she will try it again.he said he would give up all parental rights to this child if it meant he could have his wife and son in his life.but i think it is cruel to do that to a child....its not the childs fault this happened.but it just sickens me to think of my son having a little brother or sister by this woman.

 

my husband and i have talked alot about having another child in maybe a year or when we got back on our feet again and had had some marriage counseling.we wanted a little girl so bad.it just hurts to think that she may give him his first little girl.i was so looking forward to getting back with him and trying to rebuild our marriage.i was getting through what had happened between us and things looked good.i just dont know what to do now.

[midori]

Wow, this is a tough situation. I have nothing in my own experience that parallels it in any way, so I am rather at a loss.

 

But a couple of things occur to me, which may have already occurred to you. Bipolar disorder is a tough thing to cope with, even with proper medication. You'll have to expect that there will be some rough patches with your husband down the road. Now, that's true for everyone, regardless of their mental health: no one's future is all rosy. But you know what dealing with a bipolar spouse can be like. You have to decide if you can handle it.

 

The other thing I'd like to say is that this woman is already in your life; and she always will be. Your child will have a half-sibling, that's an undeniable connection. You'll have to decide if you want her to have the power to destroy your marriage. She has already inflicted considerable damage on it, I know. But if she weren't in the picture, you and your husband would be reconciling, right? That's what the two of you are inclined to do. So to not do so would be to allow her to have even more influence on your life.

 

I know what you're saying: you don't want to have to deal with her on a daily/weekly basis, because of the child she is having with your husband. I certainly don't blame you. But if you divorced your husband over this, who would benefit? Would you? Would he?

 

I think you should make up your mind about your marriage based solely on what is between you and your husband. Do you think you can make it work with him? I realize that she and the unborn child are part of that equation, but they shouldn't be the deciding factor. Don't giver her that power.

 

One more thing: while I agree that, in principle, a child would be better off having both parents in his or her life, I don't think that's the case when the child is being used by one parent as a pawn to manipulate the other parent. This woman is clearly lacking in ethics or empathy, I wouldn't be surprised if she used the child to further her own messed-up agenda. If your husband won't do as she wants (whatever that is) she will doubtlessly try to poison their child's mind against him. This would happen whether or not your husband has an active role in the child's life. Consider:

- Scenario A: you and your husband stay together and raise your own family. He visits with his other child once or twice a week, without the child's mother. She would doubtless create a situation in which the child was anxious about spending time with your husband, she would make it very difficult for her child to integrate into your husband's family (a family of which she, the mother, will not be a part). She won't cooperate, she won't act in her child's best interest.

 

- Scenario B: you and your husband don't stay together, he remains single and participates in the new child's life to a limited extent. He does not get back together with the other woman. Since that's what she wants, she poisons their child's mind against him in revenge.

 

You can imagine more scenarios, I'm sure. My point is that your husband may be making things more difficult for this child if he tries to play an active parenting role. Obviously this woman is not going to let him get away without paying child support -- she'll have him locked down on that front for sure. The rest is up to him. Will he allow her to pull his chain in the name of their child? For how long? At what cost?

 

I guess I'm saying that sometimes, for the child's sake, it's better to step away and not be direcctly involved. Your husband can do other things in the meantime: start a bank account for the child. When the child is a bit older, maybe then it would be appropriate for your husband to make himself available to the child -- as the child wishes, not as its mother wishes. Otherwise he might just be providing this awful woman with the means to harrass, embarrass, and torment you and your husband.

 

Sorry, getting very sleepy --- my last bits might not make sense.

 

But gosh, good luck. I hope it works out in a way that's good for you, your husband, and your child.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I think your problem is with this women having a child (a girl) from your husband that you desperately want, and if it is a girl, you will live with the stigma that this women gave your husband a baby girl, first, before you had the chance to do it. I think that makes you feel like second place, and second best. Despite the circumstances of this child coming about, your husband has a responsibility to it. And it would be selfish of you to ask him to forego his parental rights to make you feel better. Then you'd have to live with the fact that an innocent child is suffering because of that. Now I'm not saying this is how you feel, but how do you suppose he takes care of his responsibility to this child if you don't want the woman in your life? That's kind of unrealistic to do. Him not being involved in the child's life would not make the child disappear or go away. It's here.

 

Services could be arrange where your husband has visitation rights and the mother does not have to arround if you're so concern about her being involved in your life. Would you be satisfied with that, or do you absolutely not want her in your life? That may mean getting rid of your husband who will have contact with the woman and the child. That would also mean stopping your children from seeing your husand who has contact with the woman and the child. As Midori says, either way you look at it, she's already in your life.

 

Although your husband is bipolar, and I have a very good friend of 3 years who is bipolar and I understand what it's like because of what I've been through with her, you seem to have it out more for her this woman than for your husband. Even though he has an illness that may impair his judgment from time to time, he still has to bear up to the consequences of his behavior when his judgment is impaired. You as well, if you stay with him, will have to live with the consequences too.

[mdkrjds]

Thanks to both of you for replying.Last night all I could think of was telling my husband that I couldnt deal with this and we should just go ahead and get divorced.I was just so shocked and heartbroken by what I had found out.This morning I'm not sure whats going to happen.I got very little sleep last night b/c i could not keep this situation off my mind.

 

I have thought about the fact that I wouldnt want my husband to give up rights to this child b/c I know that every birthday this child has,my husband will be thinking of him...i know it would hurt my husband not to know his child.But if he did I would want him to see the child through someone else....where he didnt have any contact with this woman.My husband says he would never get back with her in any way.But this woman already has a 4 year old boy that she barely takes care of.She lives with her parents and works so she has money but most of the time her family or the childs father takes care of him.But I also know this woman well enough to know that she would not give this baby up to my husband and me just for spite.

 

When I knew this woman as a friend,she was always trying to get back with her sons father...she would do anything and everything she could to try and get him back.She also does alot of crank....I dont know why in the world my husband got involved with her.So this poor baby could come out with who knows what wrong with it.Anyway,thanks for your responses.I've got alot to think about.