I've messed up and can't forgive myself

[Hoosier09]

I apologize if this is long. I just need some advice.

 

I am American and I met my SO when I went to England last June. (She's English.) At the moment, we're both 18. I know we're young but please disregard that. We hung out a few times and that led to talking once I got back for multiple hours a day then introducing a webcam and skyping all day and in July 2008, we decided to make it official. We both understood how difficult it was going to be but we said we might as well take a shot.

 

Well it's been a year and a lot has happened. First, she struggles with anorexia which I have helped her a lot with. She developed it after an abusive boyfriend. She is currently getting treatment and she is doing alright. So, she is very fragile.

 

I went to see her and stay with her for 3 weeks last November because I was doing school online. It was so amazing. We already talked on webcam all day long and planned our lives around each other which was good and bad but we were so close. And when we got together it was even better. We cuddled all the time...I don't know anyone my age with a relationship as serious as ours. You kinda have to be really serious if you want to have an LDR anyways otherwise it's not really worth it.

 

Well I went home and planned to come back for Christmas. We started sleeping with the cam on which we still do and just being together all the time on the cam. I went there for Christmas and she decided to come back with me to America for 3 months. Then I went back with her for another 2 1/2 months which brings us to now. I just returned to America alone after being with her for 6 months 3 days ago. We're really close but the other day she brought up something that I had said which was kinda blunt and I told her that maybe I was insensitive sometimes.

 

Well it turns out she was hiding all these feelings about the way I had been. To keep it short, I took her for granted...asking her to do things (not ordering but taking advantage), saying insensitive things and joking about stuff when it wasn't the right time. I stopped being cuddly and didn't want to do a lot of stuff. I think it is partly because I went off my Anti-depressant when I left America to go to her house in April but that's no excuse. Also, I've been so stressed about money because its like $1k for a plane ticket and I was working and now I have no income. She said I wasn't the same person and kept hoping the person she fell in love with would come back.

 

If you ask anyone that knows me, I'm a sweet guy. I'm practically a girl lol. I cry in the most pathetic movies and I just wouldn't hurt a fly. I did not realize that I had been doing this. I dunno what was wrong with me.

 

Anyways, I'm shattered. I am so so ashamed of myself. I can't believe that I have done this to this wonderful girl who only loved me with all her heart and never hurt me. She told me that she doesn't trust me as much or feel as secure as she used to be with me. She says she loves me the same but I don't believe that. I can't even get on and talk to her I feel so bad. She has forgiven me and said "I'll give you another chance and we'll see how it goes." Well, we've always said we'd be together forever. I know you think thats too serious but we are just so like each other and love each other to death. I asked her if we we're going to be intimate with each other any more and she said "We'll see how we feel..." which is a nice way of saying no.

 

I just feel broken because we've gone from being so intimate with each other and loving each other and now she doesn't trust me. She said she had been trying to think of a way to tell me for 3 months and I wish she would have told me sooner. I mean, no wonder she hasn't gotten better. I was just as bad as her last boyfriend.

 

Anyway, can we get through this? How do I overcome it? It's hard to regain her trust over cam and we won't be together for 6 months because I'm going off to school. How should we continue on?

 

 

I've apologized and apologized. I feel so rotten. I have never been so sorry in my life. I love her with all my heart. I can't live with myself now.

 

Thanks

[KikiW]

Ok I think you've done enough beating yourself up. You accepted what she said and have apologized profusely. You've indicated that you will work on not repeating the behavior.

 

What more can you possibly do?

 

I didn't read anything in your post that would lead someone to distrust you. Maybe someone could be disappointed if you were insensitive, or didn't make the same lovey-dovey gestures, but nothing to do with trusting you unless you left something out.

 

Unless I am missing something, these are things that can be worked on, but she also needs to be understanding and supportive of YOU with your own issues (depression is a real PITA to kick) just as you have been understanding and supportive of her anorexia. I hope you can look at your relationship and see the same support going in both directions.

[hoping2heal]

This is a precise example of WHY passive agressive behavior is so detrimental to relationships. One partner, holds on to the all knowledge of what the other partner is doing to bother them, and instead of sharing it so that it can be worked on, and save the relationship; they wait until they can't take anymore and then spring it on a person.

 

Not good for a relationship, not good at all. I understand you think this is all your fault, but it isn't. It take's two to tango, Maybe you shouldn't of said things that are insensitive, but you also can't change a behavior that you don't know is a legitimate issue for her, can you? What others might think is joking, or can handle your comments, others look at it the other way, but without proper communication a person can't know these things.

 

It's a bit like me never disclosing an allergy to a certain flower, when my bf hints he would like to get me some of that certain flower. Then when he does it I come back at him and say "I can't believe you! I'm allergic to these for crying out loud! ugh! this is so over!" . Yeah, exactly.

 

You're both young so fwiw I don't really expect either one of you to yet understand the dynamics of good communication, because it comes with age and experience (I know you didn't want to hear that, but it's what I've experienced to be true).

[Hoosier09]

Thx for the advice. Yes I know its not all my fault and I realize that she should have told me sooner but I can't just go to her and say well you should have told me a long time ago because then it looks like I'm pushing the blame away. One of her things is that she doesn't say what she wants to say because she's afraid of pushing me away because I'm all she's got. Make sense?

 

Edit: And in this sense, trust is like a sense of security. No I didn't leave anything out. I've never lied to her.

[Island Girl]

I can't just go to her and say well you should have told me a long time ago because then it looks like I'm pushing the blame away.

 

This is a perfect example of what good communication is - and what it isn't.

 

The statement above is blaming and off putting.

 

If you said, "I would have made adjustments sooner had I known it was bothering you. I hope you will tell me if anything like that comes up again" that would make a difference, right?

 

Learn to use "I" statements and talk about what you think and feel.

 

Ask the other person questions that would be answered the same way -- or explain to them this way of explaining themselves if they will take the criticism.

 

One of her things is that she doesn't say what she wants to say because she's afraid of pushing me away because I'm all she's got. Make sense?

 

It doesn't matter why. It matters that she doesn't communicate everything to you that effects your relationship. It has already and will more so in the future if it isn't rectified.