Need with MM and have had no physical contact

[Patrice]

I am separated from my husband and am pursuing a Legal Separation .. the MM lives about 1200 miles away .. he calls me every day, writes me constantly, says he wants out of his marriage but, can't because of his children just yet. He's trying to step it up to the next level .. have me fly down there to be with me physically. E-mails include .. I've never wanted or loved a woman as much as I want you, I'd never betray you, I truly care about you, you're gorgeous .. blah, blah, blah ..

 

I'm a very attractive, highly educated woman who could probably have her pick of men in her own surroundings .. I'm strongly bonded to this man because he was there for me when my husband was not. We've been talking since December .. I feel like he knows me inside and out. I'm not happy with the lack of dignity afforded me here .. I'm not happy compromising my principles to start a relationship that could just hurt me in the long run .. he says he needs to be with me physically to confirm the spiritual and emotional bond .. need your thoughts please.

[tami-chan]

I am separated from my husband and am pursuing a Legal Separation .. the MM lives about 1200 miles away .. he calls me every day, writes me constantly, says he wants out of his marriage but, can't because of his children just yet. He's trying to step it up to the next level .. have me fly down there to be with me physically. E-mails include .. I've never wanted or loved a woman as much as I want you, I'd never betray you, I truly care about you, you're gorgeous .. blah, blah, blah ..

 

I'm a very attractive, highly educated woman who could probably have her pick of men in her own surroundings .. I'm strongly bonded to this man because he was there for me when my husband was not. We've been talking since December .. I feel like he knows me inside and out. I'm not happy with the lack of dignity afforded me here .. I'm not happy compromising my principles to start a relationship that could just hurt me in the long run .. he says he needs to be with me physically to confirm the spiritual and emotional bond .. need your thoughts please.

 

 

Welcome to LS!

 

How and where did you meet MM? Is this an EA?

[datura_noir]

This probably will not end well...just be emotionally prepared. I can't offer you anything beyond hugs and a firm resounding warning/heads up to do what is best for your family....

[Patrice]

He says he's sought legal advice on getting out of the marriage .. his wife does not work and he would get socked big time ..

[Patrice]

My family - the kids are launched .. and doing well .. the guy just won't stop .

I love him .. I'm sooo confused about taking it to the next level and risking more.

[sugarmomma]

Sounds like you're in the courtship phase and its long distance so you have no idea of his life with his w.

 

I would suggest that you wait until he is divorced and then be with him properly. If you have sex with him before he will simply lose respect for you.

 

Show him that you have dignity and demand that he is a free man before he takes up with you especially since you want a r. Now if you just want a good time, go right ahead.

 

Why are you seeking a legal separation instead of a divorce?

 

My MM said he was staying for the kids also. Oldest trick in the book. Don't fall for it!

[Patrice]

Divorce/Legal Separation will be at the same time .. could be 2 months to the end of the year .. emotional abandonment, mental health issues on his part.

I won't go back ..

[Patrice]

Let me keep this real for ya........I dream of no one but YOU, baby,,,,,,,,I don't want anyone but yOU!.....YOU are the woman that I've been waiting my whole life for......I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, or ever could......You are food for my soul........I will never let you down, baby.......I am truly yours......I see beautiful women everyday that used to turn my head, but now they don't phase me, they are invisible......ALL I ever see is YOU, Patrice.........ALL I want in this entire world is YOU, baby!.......I LOVE YOU SO ****ING MUCH THAT IT HURTS LIKE A KNIFE IN MY CHEST!!!!!.....

[bentnotbroken]

I am separated from my husband and am pursuing a Legal Separation .. the MM lives about 1200 miles away .. he calls me every day, writes me constantly, says he wants out of his marriage but, can't because of his children just yet. He's trying to step it up to the next level .. have me fly down there to be with me physically. E-mails include .. I've never wanted or loved a woman as much as I want you, I'd never betray you, I truly care about you, you're gorgeous .. blah, blah, blah ..

 

I'm a very attractive, highly educated woman who could probably have her pick of men in her own surroundings .. I'm strongly bonded to this man because he was there for me when my husband was not. We've been talking since December .. I feel like he knows me inside and out. I'm not happy with the lack of dignity afforded me here .. I'm not happy compromising my principles to start a relationship that could just hurt me in the long run .. he says he needs to be with me physically to confirm the spiritual and emotional bond .. need your thoughts please.

 

 

1) You have been speaking with him since December and in six months you feel like he knows you inside and out:confused:

 

2) If you aren't happy starting the crap, don't start it.

 

3)He needs to confirm spiritual and emotional bond by having sex. That's bull crap. What's spiritual about an affair? Emotion, what emotion? The one where his eyes roll back in his head if he has a decent orgasm or the one where he decides that you aren't worth a second ride.

 

You already know the answers to your question, whether or not you will listen to what is being said in your heart and head, well that's the million dollar question.

[Patrice]

That's why I'm here .. I'm torn ..

[fooled once]

You have never met this person and you are "in love"?

 

He could be sending you pictures of Brad Pitt.

 

He NEEDS to have sex with you to fulfil it all? Talk about a load of BS.

 

You seem to be very needy right now (I don't mean it to sound that snotty) but you are divorcing and feeling vulnerable and for some reason, his words are affecting you in way they wouldn't normally be in normal circumstances.

 

If you don't want to continue this, that is easy. Stop responding to texts and stop answering his calls.

 

This will end badly and if you read this forum, you will see that the whole "I can't divorce yet because of the kids" is a line that is given.

 

If people WANT a divorce, they get one.

 

I know this personally, as I got one when I had a young child.

[KikiW]

Let me keep this real for ya........I dream of no one but YOU, baby,,,,,,,,I don't want anyone but yOU!.....YOU are the woman that I've been waiting my whole life for......I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, or ever could......You are food for my soul........I will never let you down, baby.......I am truly yours......I see beautiful women everyday that used to turn my head, but now they don't phase me, they are invisible......ALL I ever see is YOU, Patrice.........ALL I want in this entire world is YOU, baby!.......I LOVE YOU SO ****ING MUCH THAT IT HURTS LIKE A KNIFE IN MY CHEST!!!!!.....

 

Patrice, let me tell you something. This sounds an awful lot like the guy I am with - not the exact same words or syntax, but he says very similar things. He also lives 1200 miles away from me.

 

The big difference here is that we have BOTH moved forward with our divorces. His should be wrapped up in the next week or so, I am in a holding pattern on mine for insurance reasons (long story, feel free to read my other posts, but my STBex and I are EXTREMELY amicable, and my SO has even met him, this is not an issue in our relationship). My SO also has a child, and his STBex was not working up until they separated last year. He will be paying child support and will happily do it. He was generous to his STBex while standing his ground so as not to be unnecessarily raked over the coals.

 

Of course, that goes without saying that we have also spent considerable time flying back and forth to see each other. We have spent time in each other's company, felt the electricity shoot through our spines at the mere glancing touch of the others' fingers, seen the looks in each other's eyes. While it was painful to not talk to him on the phone, it's downright heartwrenching to drop him off at the airport and say goodbye for at least 2 months.

 

My SO will be taking steps to find a job in his field here where I am. We have set this coming holiday season as the very LATEST he will have moved up here (he set the goal himself), although we are hoping for fall. These are solid plans.

 

I am very worried that your MM is still wishy washy. My SO was steadfast in what he wanted from the word go. He wanted me. When I thought he was bullsh*tting me, he proved me wrong, not only with his words but his actions. Every time I would think "well here's where he could totally flake out on me and I'll be left holding the bag..." he showed me he meant business.

 

So your MM's divorce could be messy... most seem to be that way. Is he man enough to know exactly what he wants and he will do whatever necessary to make it happen? Or is he just talking out of his little fantasyland? I empathize - divorces aren't pretty, they are really freakin' scary and hurt a lot. But he needs to decide whether he will miss out on great life with you, or if he's just enamored with you because you are a distraction from problems he could be solving with his wife.

 

(Have had a little wine, hopefully this is coherent )

 

PS: being with you physically - I read that as being in your presence... although I will not deny that sex is an important part of the relationship. You MUST find out if the bond IS real, or if the internet just makes it all WHEEEEEE but doesn't have the spark behind it. If the spark isn't there, the relationship will be unfulfilling. I am not saying you have to go and have sex with him to find out if everythings good, but you DO need to meet up with him, spend time in each other's space. VERY important.

[sugarmomma]

Let me keep this real for ya........I dream of no one but YOU, baby,,,,,,,,I don't want anyone but yOU!.....YOU are the woman that I've been waiting my whole life for......I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, or ever could......You are food for my soul........I will never let you down, baby.......I am truly yours......I see beautiful women everyday that used to turn my head, but now they don't phase me, they are invisible......ALL I ever see is YOU, Patrice.........ALL I want in this entire world is YOU, baby!.......I LOVE YOU SO ****ING MUCH THAT IT HURTS LIKE A KNIFE IN MY CHEST!!!!!.....

 

 

What is this?????

 

Sounds like a bunch of words that a vulnerable woman would fall for, words nevertheless. Never listen to what a man says out his his lie hole and always judge him by his actions. I would hate to see you walk into this lions den but if you insist, we won't be able to convince you otherwise. Believe me I have been there and done that and he is laying it on real thick to get you in bed.

 

If he respects you he wouldn't be pushing so hard to sleep with you.

 

Sounds like you met him online?

[D-Lish]

I'm a very attractive, highly educated woman who could probably have her pick of men in her own surroundings ..

 

Then I have to ask you why you would accept this?

 

If you are as smart as you say you are, then you have to recognize that the whole excuse thing is a load of crap.

[KikiW]

After re-reading posts, I think I was a little vague earlier - this guy is not the real deal, at least not yet.

 

He needs to decide what he wants. Does he want you? Or does he want his wife? You = excitement, drama, something new. Wife = security, house in place, kids right there. So far, he's picked the wife and used the kids and the money it will cost him as the reasons.

 

Please, do not take him up on the offer to fly you down. Certainly, if he decides his marriage is over and he moves out, files for divorce, entertain the offer at that point. Anything earlier will get very, VERY messy.

 

JMO of course.

[White Flower]

Let me keep this real for ya........I dream of no one but YOU, baby,,,,,,,,I don't want anyone but yOU!.....YOU are the woman that I've been waiting my whole life for......I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, or ever could......You are food for my soul........I will never let you down, baby.......I am truly yours......I see beautiful women everyday that used to turn my head, but now they don't phase me, they are invisible......ALL I ever see is YOU, Patrice.........ALL I want in this entire world is YOU, baby!.......I LOVE YOU SO ****ING MUCH THAT IT HURTS LIKE A KNIFE IN MY CHEST!!!!!.....

Guess what? Same letter, same words, and here I sit alone. I don't want to burst your bubble but you need to see action before you believe these words. He definitely wants to bed you, and you may just enjoy it. But don't expect him to move mountains (to divorce) just because you gave it over. Why don't you make him wait for the white hot sex until your wedding night? I would laugh so hard just seeing his face when you asked him to wait for your wedding day!

 

Look, he is so prepping you and he's pretty good at it. He may even be in love with you but it always seems to be the MOW (married other woman) who divorces first and waits for the MOM (married other man) to follow suit and usually he never does. Then you will have moved, and felt used all for a fling. I hope it is not so but I've seen it happen here so many times. Best of luck.

[sadintexas]

There are a lot of things that I want to say, and may before this response is done , but here's the BIG thing for me.

 

Most men DO NOT leave their wives for other women (OW) unless they were ready to leave the marriage before the OW came into the picture.

 

He's wanting to basically take you for a "test drive". He's already told you that he's not ready to leave his marriage now because of his kids. BELIEVE HIM. Believe that he is not ready to leave for whatever reason it is. But that doesn't stop him for one minute from wanting to have the absolute best that he can with you, WHILE STILL IN HIS MARRIAGE.

 

Simply, you don't want him leaving FOR you anyway. He needs to be ready to walk out of that situation because it's the right thing for him and his children at that point. If he does leave before he's ready he will return to her. Maybe out of guilt, missing the kids, whatever. He needs to be done with the marriage itself for his own reasons and ready to walk without a safety net (you). So this whole pitch he's given you about wanting to physically connect (whatever your original words were, I don't remember) before he makes up his mind is crap.

 

Here's something else to think about before you decide to keep going with this. When you engage in an affair, you make the marriage more tolerable for him (if he is indeed unhappy). It is easier to keep going day to day while he has you to escape to. It is terribly unfair to everyone involved to keep a marriage intact that should be dissolved, and you will be helping him do that if you continue with him.

 

Last point is this. If his marriage is at the brink of failure, he's judging it on its own merits right now. If you have an A with him, guilt will become a large factor in his decision making process. It clouds things and he will be more willing to tolerate things in his marriage that he finds intolerable now because of the guilt he feels, and the knowledge that he is not putting in what he should. He will stop seeing that he is leaving because the marriage is dysfunctional, and will start seeing it as him leaving him family for another woman. It's not a good dynamic and is counterproductive to him taking appropriate steps to either fix it or get out.

 

You have all the power now. If you give into this, you are giving that power away. You will become more emotionally attached and the above will play out. It will delay him doing anything about his situation and keep you waiting for a long time, if not forever (until you get tired and walk away).

 

Sorry that was long, but if I had the chance to do it over, I would have told MM no. I'd bet all the money in my savings he'd be gone by now if he didn't have me to fall back on. And he'd have done it because it was the right thing for them. Now he's working through guilt and trying to sort it all out again and they're back on the path to crash and burn (I've been out of the A for about 6-7 months now).

[2sunny]

words are easy for a man to put forth...

 

when his actions meet his words - you will know it! in the meantime - stop contact until he's divorced (yes, past tense) then you will know if he means what he says.

 

if you just believe his words and you take action on what a taken man is capable of typing - you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment and pain.

[Patrice]

Thanks for all the insight ... I didn't speak to him at all yesterday, he tried calling and I didn't answer the phone. He seems to know that he's pushed me a bit far and e-mailed an apology. I know I am vulnerable right now and I know it's in my best interest to give myself some time to heal from what I've already been through. Other factors that seem to be at play - dealing with the loneliness of not living with someone anymore, sale of our home, moving out ...etc. I'm in a transition already, and I surely hope this man is not taking advantage of me because he knows I'm vulnerable.

 

My head is telling me that this is a bad move. I've told him if he wants me, he needs to come to me clean as I would come to him .. he says it will be 4 years max, is planning a job transfer closer. My head tells me this is still 4 years of my life - and depriving myself of the opportunity to perhaps meet someone who is free and unattached. I'll keep you posted ...

[KikiW]

Oh he KNOWS he pushed you too far. He oversold it and realized you aren't as dumb/desperate/lonely as he thought you were, hence the quick apologies.

 

Make no mistake, even if he consciously didn't mean to, he is subconsciously trying to manipulate you and thought he had a better shot BECAUSE he knows you are vulnerable. But as the other poster said, YOU have the power here. By not answering his calls, you have made it clear to him who has the power and he got really, really nervous.

 

Four years? Put on those walking shoes, sweetie. Go out and be social, maybe you will find someone really special who won't play head games with you.

 

Four years... *shaking head*.

[Owl]

Wow...this sounds almost EXACTLY like the situation my wife was in five years ago.

 

She was all set to leave me to go meet with OM, who was using the EXACT same phrases and comments to push her buttons too.

 

The need to see if what they shared was the same physically as well as emotionally/spiritually. He pushed her HARD to get her to start cybering with him too, but it never "felt right" to her, so she didn't.

 

She was all set to meet up with him (and he was about 1300 miles from us) at the time d-day occurred.

 

Our situation worked out much differently than yours...I caught them much sooner than they'd planned (right about that six month mark) and she also firmly believed that it was all over between us...but when it was all said and done, she never went to meet with him and we've reconciled very, very well.

 

You never mentioned how you started your relationship with him, Patrice? Was it via an online forum, or MMORPG like WoW or EQ? Have the two of you ever met 'face to face' at all, or has this all been LDR so far?

 

Here's something I seriously suggest you consider, if it's all been LDR so far.

 

He's not in love with you. You're not in love with him. He's not "dying for you physically".

 

You're both in love with your FANTASY of what each other is like. You're both in love with your PERCEPTION of the other, based off what each of you has been willing to share about yourself across the distances. There is a world of difference between what you THINK someone is like after all that interaction via online/phone calls/texts/IM's/etc...and what they are ACTUALLY like in person.

 

It took my wife a long time to come to the realization that she really didn't have any idea on what her OM was REALLY like...that he could have lied, could have sent an old picture, or someone else's....that he could have hid a drug habit/criminal record/etc...

 

Be careful about meeting someone like this if you've only had phone calls and internet exchanges.

[2sure]

He has told you he will not leave his wife and children for 4 more years. That is the equivalent of never in affair speak, and in reality as well. So, just leave that out completely in making your decision.

 

He has told you that for him to "confirm the bond" you and he must have sex. What exactly will confirming the bond do?? Will it make his situation at home change somehow?? Will it change the 4 years until it will be more practical for him to leave?

 

So, to recap: He isnt leaving his family and he has given you an ultimatum regarding sex.

 

Check please.

[whichwayisup]

My head tells me this is still 4 years of my life - and depriving myself of the opportunity to perhaps meet someone who is free and unattached. I'll keep you posted ...

 

If you're willing to put your own life on hold and wait - Go for it! But, I think that would be a HUGE mistake. This guy isn't going to leave now, or in 4 years from now.. There will always be an excuse as to why it's not the right time.

 

You only have known him since December, you haven't invested that much time into him and this affair.

 

Listen to your head, NOT your heart, or emotions.

 

Grieve the loss of your own marriage and life that you built with your husband..Enjoy being single, find "you" again and FORGET this MM.

[norajane]

I'm not happy with the lack of dignity afforded me here .. I'm not happy compromising my principles

 

If you weren't so vulnerable and lonely, you'd never give this guy a second thought. You'd tell him to leave you alone and delete his emails and phone number and never take a call or reply to him ever.

 

Don't get out of one bad marriage only to end up in a long distance affair with a guy who is planning on cheating on his wife for years and years.

 

Here you are, on the brink of starting a fresh, new life, and you're already thinking about diving deep into sh*t and staying mired in it for years? Think about why you'd want to do that.

 

If you were stronger, you'd never consider it!

[Patrice]

He's now e-mailed me that he can't wait the four years .. I wrote back do what you have to do. I can be here as a friend but that's it until you've made a decision. He admitted he is not 100% on his marriage ending but is at 95%. I told him he needs to uncover the remaining 5% before he invests any more time in trying to get me to meet him face to face (no sex either). He just called me on my office phone .. talked for 45 minutes about his marital problems - I just listened and told him this was his journey to take, not mine and I would have no part in it.

 

The man sounds absolutely tortured and twisted by what is going on in his home. I realize that is between he and his wife and I need to step out of the picture.

 

This man did not cause the breakup of my marriage. My marriage started to die about 5 years ago with my soon-to-be ex'es emotional abandonment/mental health issues. We worked on the marriage for 5 years and I just felt myself starting to disengage after repeated attempts to work on the issues with no action on his part.

 

I met the MM on a political blog and we began e-mailing about political issues .. then it expanded to more personal information sharing.