asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 We're both in our 30s and only dated for 2-3 months. We went on 7-8 dates. I started to fall for her. Nothing negative or bad ever happened during any moment we were together. By the end, we were having really nice make-out sessions, holding hands everywhere we went, cuddling during private moments, that sort of thing. And then, out of the blue, she told me by phone that it was over. That conversation lasted just 5 minutes. I didn't blubber, or beg, or argue, or get mad. I just said, "Hey, I really, really enjoyed getting to know you." To which she responded, "Well, we can still hang out together and stuff," to which I responded, "To be honest with you, maybe some day that can happen, but I had started to fall for you so you probably won't hear from me for a while." She said, "Ok, that's a good plan." And then I said goodbye and we hung up. So, 7 dates and a break-up conversation during which I kept my cool are all she really knows about me. I've already decided that I will go completely NC with her, probably for a very long time, until she is completely "flushed" from my system. I will date other women, including one that I'm really interested in who, you never know, could turn into something pretty cool that will make me forget about Dumper here forever. I WILL move on from her. But in the meantime... I really wanted this girl. I don't know why she did what she did. I know I have to completely and totally forget about her and get over her in order for there to be a "second chance" some day. But what I want to know is, once you get all that crap out of the way... you've gotten over her, you've dated other girls, you've lost 10 pounds and climbed a mountain peak in Colorado (I'm actually training to do this right now btw), you've gotten your head back on you straight and aren't all hung up on her and putting her on a pedestal... What do I do next months from now to see if we can hit the reset button and rekindle the situation? Do I just ignore her forever and if she never contacts me again, just give up? Do I invite her for coffee 6 months from now just to see how she's doing, find out if she's still single, and then just go for it to see what she says? Do I start seeing her again as "friends" only, and slowly work up to telling her, "I think we should try dating again."? What? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Do I just ignore her forever and if she never contacts me again, just give up? In short, yes. Thats exactly what you do. She just lost interest. Sometimes it happens after a date or two, sometimes it takes longer, but once its gone - its usually gone. Im a firm believer that the first 6 months should go relatively easy and you should both be doing whatever you can to see eachother. If after a few months of dating she lost insterest, there is nothing you can do. Just be glad that she was honest and upfront, and didnt just dissapear on you. This is what NOT to do: Do I start seeing her again as "friends" only, and slowly work up to telling her, "I think we should try dating again."? Friends is almost always the point of no return, so if you show back up in 6 months asking to be friends, shes not going to consider you as a possible boyfriend. And youre just going to waste your time and energy asking for something you dont want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 In short, yes. Thats exactly what you do. She just lost interest. Sometimes it happens after a date or two, sometimes it takes longer, but once its gone - its usually gone. Im a firm believer that the first 6 months should go relatively easy and you should both be doing whatever you can to see eachother. If after a few months of dating she lost insterest, there is nothing you can do. Just be glad that she was honest and upfront, and didnt just dissapear on you. This is what NOT to do: Friends is almost always the point of no return, so if you show back up in 6 months asking to be friends, shes not going to consider you as a possible boyfriend. And youre just going to waste your time and energy asking for something you dont want. Sigh. Can't disagree with your logic. But I still want to think I can at least go for it in some fashion, ONCE I'm over her AND if I find myself still interested in dating her by that point (just with my current emotional state calmed down and out of the way). I'm very frustrated at how this played out. Our last date was our best date, with long conversation about intimate topics, and just a great time overall. That's how all our dates went, which is how I got myself in this emotional frenzyI have no idea what happened in the interim. A mutual friend thinks she either met someone else or she freaked out because I was getting too close to her (I'm the longest she's ever dated anyone, believe it or not). This sucks. I'll get through it but it sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 ONCE I'm over her AND if I find myself still interested in dating her by that point Do you see how this is somewhat of an oxymoron? If you were over her, you wouldnt be interested in dating her. If youre still interested in dating her, youre not over her. Also, if she never makes any effort to contact you again, what does that say about your value to her? If she was concerned about keeping you around, and saw a high value in you as a partner, you wouldnt have gotten that phone call saying it was over. We're both in our 30s ...I'm the longest she's ever dated anyone, believe it or not Serious RED FLAG!!! Someone in their 30's should have dated at least a few people for longer than 3 months. A mutual friend thinks she either met someone else or she freaked out because I was getting too close to her Honestly, in my experience, its almost always that they met someone else. And do you really want to deal with someone that would walk away from you for someone else? No. Brother, let this one go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Do you see how this is somewhat of an oxymoron? If you were over her, you wouldnt be interested in dating her. If youre still interested in dating her, youre not over her. Also, if she never makes any effort to contact you again, what does that say about your value to her? If she was concerned about keeping you around, and saw a high value in you as a partner, you wouldnt have gotten that phone call saying it was over. Serious RED FLAG!!! Someone in their 30's should have dated at least a few people for longer than 3 months. Honestly, in my experience, its almost always that they met someone else. And do you really want to deal with someone that would walk away from you for someone else? No. Brother, let this one go. *cursing* (Because I know you're right.) I do see the oxymoron. But why have this forum named as it is? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 *cursing* (Because I know you're right.) I do see the oxymoron. But why have this forum named as it is? Well, there are rare occasions when second chances are a possibility, and people need advice on handling them correctly. The overwhelming majority, though, are situations like this where holding out hope for a second chance would only hold you back. To be blunt, for any second chance to work you have to first be ok with the possibility that it just wont happen. You have to give up hope, work on yourself, and get your life back on track. IF the other person comes back, wants to work on it, and shows you that they are serious, you can consider it and move slowly toward reconciliation. As the dumpee, you should NEVER be the one to make first contact, or bring up the idea of trying again. If the dumper doesnt see that they made a mistake on their own, they'll never take any second chance with you seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Well, there are rare occasions when second chances are a possibility, and people need advice on handling them correctly. The overwhelming majority, though, are situations like this where holding out hope for a second chance would only hold you back. To be blunt, for any second chance to work you have to first be ok with the possibility that it just wont happen. You have to give up hope, work on yourself, and get your life back on track. IF the other person comes back, wants to work on it, and shows you that they are serious, you can consider it and move slowly toward reconciliation. As the dumpee, you should NEVER be the one to make first contact, or bring up the idea of trying again. If the dumper doesnt see that they made a mistake on their own, they'll never take any second chance with you seriously. I definitely agree with all of that. I guess I'm trying to cross a bridge I haven't reached yet, in the form of that oxymoron you pointed out. Stupid girl. *keeps cursing* (She was hot, too. *curses*) Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Just focus on being ok with everything. Yeah, it sucks, but we've all been turned down, dumped, or blown off one time or another. The more you want to hear from her, the less likely it is to happen. The less you care, the better off you'll be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Just focus on being ok with everything. Yeah, it sucks, but we've all been turned down, dumped, or blown off one time or another. The more you want to hear from her, the less likely it is to happen. The less you care, the better off you'll be. Thanks dude. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Well whats worse is that youre completely clueless as to what she didnt like about you. If you had any idea as to how you turned her off, you probably wouldnt want to try again. You might have to be a little more observant of your dates. Thats not including the red flag of whatever disorder she has since shes never had a long term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Well whats worse is that youre completely clueless as to what she didnt like about you. If you had any idea as to how you turned her off, you probably wouldnt want to try again. You might have to be a little more observant of your dates. Thats not including the red flag of whatever disorder she has since shes never had a long term relationship. Even if she gave you a reason, chances are its only going to be a lie to cover her real motives. I've known very few people who can actually tell it like it is, and be upfront. The most you can usually hope for is some crap about 'being in a bad place' or 'needing time alone'. I just dumb it down, they just dont want to be with you. Whether its because I smell bad or theyre screwing an outlaw biker, I really dont care. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 What do I do next months from now to see if we can hit the reset button and rekindle the situation? Do I just ignore her forever and if she never contacts me again, just give up? Do I invite her for coffee 6 months from now just to see how she's doing, find out if she's still single, and then just go for it to see what she says? Do I start seeing her again as "friends" only, and slowly work up to telling her, "I think we should try dating again."? What? you don't do anything....nothing, zippo, nada, zilch. after two months she decided you weren't the one for her. time to move on assman Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Well whats worse is that youre completely clueless as to what she didnt like about you. If you had any idea as to how you turned her off, you probably wouldnt want to try again. You might have to be a little more observant of your dates. Thats not including the red flag of whatever disorder she has since shes never had a long term relationship. Well I flat out refuse to believe I turned her off. Some other guy either cock blocked me and she decided he was better than me, or her relationship disorder screwed me over. Her body language, our chemistry, our level of conversation, everything was green light on every date. She actually freaked ME out by acting pretty relationshippy on one of our middle dates: we spent 10 hours together, she wouldn't leave my condo until 4 am (lots of making out but no sex), and she said some trippy stuff to me about our status. She definitely has issues. And they ended up biting me in the ass. Link to post Share on other sites
daileyburgboy Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 asuman, move on in life bud. Don't get drug into the mire. It sounds like you really fell for this girl and don't want it to end. Leave her alone and get on w/ life. If she's already dumbed you and the two of you weren't even serious, is this someone you really want to be w/ possibly for the rest of your life or best time in your life. Take everyones advice and move on go climb that Mountain!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Well I flat out refuse to believe I turned her off. AS much as it could have been that some other guy stole your spotlight, you should see your actions from a normal girls perspective. After the night when she was getting relationshippy, something had to happen. Dont assume youre perfect, try to see it from an outside view. Her perspective or otherwise. Its the little things that women notice you know. Worse than that, many of them are turned off by something you do but hide their distaste, and you didnt even realize you did something wrong. Think about that....even with the crazy girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Even if she gave you a reason, chances are its only going to be a lie to cover her real motives. I've known very few people who can actually tell it like it is, and be upfront. The most you can usually hope for is some crap about 'being in a bad place' or 'needing time alone'. I just dumb it down, they just dont want to be with you. Whether its because I smell bad or theyre screwing an outlaw biker, I really dont care. I'm on board with that logic and acted accordingly during the phone call. She probably had some "reason" prepared for me but I didn't even bother asking because her answer would be irrelevant. I just played it cool, said it was nice knowing her, and goodbye. Click. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I'm on board with that logic and acted accordingly during the phone call. She probably had some "reason" prepared for me but I didn't even bother asking because her answer would be irrelevant. I just played it cool, said it was nice knowing her, and goodbye. Click. i wish more men had the balls that you have assman. oh sorry its asuman. men need to take charge and not be intimidated by women Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I'm on board with that logic and acted accordingly during the phone call. She probably had some "reason" prepared for me but I didn't even bother asking because her answer would be irrelevant. I just played it cool, said it was nice knowing her, and goodbye. Click. Hey Alpha, is this the same reasoning you used for not asking your latina date why she dressed like a bum for your fancy dinner? Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 AS much as it could have been that some other guy stole your spotlight, you should see your actions from a normal girls perspective. After the night when she was getting relationshippy, something had to happen. Dont assume youre perfect, try to see it from an outside view. Her perspective or otherwise. Its the little things that women notice you know. Worse than that, many of them are turned off by something you do but hide their distaste, and you didnt even realize you did something wrong. Think about that....even with the crazy girl. I don't get what you're saying, bro. It's kind of moot but I'm curious. I didn't react in a bad way to what she was saying that night. She was hugging me and while I was holding her she said the shippy stuff, and I just kept snuggling with her and telling her why I liked her. That was date #4 so the nice dates continued after that. Again, it's all moot. And breaking my heart to think about that particular moment. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Hey Alpha, is this the same reasoning you used for not asking your latina date why she dressed like a bum for your fancy dinner? yea, what would be the point? she can't go home and change. her payment is that she doesn't get to see me again ever. she texted me yesterday and i blew her off. deleted the # from the cell. poof! its like she never existed Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I don't get what you're saying, bro. It's kind of moot but I'm curious. I didn't react in a bad way to what she was saying that night. She was hugging me and while I was holding her she said the shippy stuff, and I just kept snuggling with her and telling her why I liked her. That was date #4 so the nice dates continued after that. Again, it's all moot. And breaking my heart to think about that particular moment. Well not THAT night, but the nights after that. She had to start tapering off interest up to the point where she blew you off. ANything you could have done in those dates? Maybe you got clingy after the "snuggling and telling her why I liked her"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Well not THAT night, but the nights after that. She had to start tapering off interest up to the point where she blew you off. ANything you could have done in those dates? Maybe you got clingy after the "snuggling and telling her why I liked her"? Yeah, definitely possible. I wasn't calling her everyday or anything but I started flirting with her through occasional texts and maybe it flipped HER out at that point, that (ironically) I was moving faster than she was. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Yeah, definitely possible. I wasn't calling her everyday or anything but I started flirting with her through occasional texts and maybe it flipped HER out at that point, that (ironically) I was moving faster than she was. You know, you also have to just realize that sometimes just being who your are isn't what she wants in life, and there is nothing wrong with that. I dated a girl for about 5-6 dates, and seriously left the last one feeling great about the situation, really into her, etc. I woke up in the morning, and just didnt feel it anymore. It just wasnt worth the effort, and it wasnt any one thing she did, I was just over it. Just dont take it too personally or feel like you have to get to the bottom of her reasoning. She isnt interested anymore, her loss, you move on. There are millions of other girls out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 You know, you also have to just realize that sometimes just being who your are isn't what she wants in life, and there is nothing wrong with that. I dated a girl for about 5-6 dates, and seriously left the last one feeling great about the situation, really into her, etc. I woke up in the morning, and just didnt feel it anymore. It just wasnt worth the effort, and it wasnt any one thing she did, I was just over it. Just dont take it too personally or feel like you have to get to the bottom of her reasoning. She isnt interested anymore, her loss, you move on. There are millions of other girls out there. She's a wackjob. No doubt about it. That's why her every single attempt at a relationship has FAILED at no later than the 3 month mark. Yes I'm pissed. Link to post Share on other sites
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