Just Hear Me Out....

[MrMayI]

picking it apart some more, i realize that in him saying for me to fix it, that she has likely blamed it all on me, but put out there that it is fixable. i'm going to do all i can. i've filled about 20 pages in my steno-pad with notes on jealousy, it's causes, and ways to stop and prevent it. i'm more of a studier than a reader, so i'm going to be studying daily on improving myself for a while. it hasn't been too long, i don't think.

i'm finding my research both online and in psych books at the library has so far been more fruitful than actually talking to a counselor. of course, there's more issues for me to get into than just jealousy, so i'll try and pinpoint those as well.

 

 

TrustInYourself, you're spot on, as always from what i've read of yours.

[MrMayI]

yesterday, on my way in from work, i passed the first girl who ever broke my heart. she and i were together for 4 years, lived together 3 of those, and were planning a wedding when we split. i was literally at rock bottom for about 3 months, and then one day found she had been sleeping with my then best friend of the time. they are now married with a couple of kids. strange, because even though we live in the same city, i haven't seen them in years. i started thinking back, and realized it has been 10 years since she and i split. 10 years to the month, i'm not sure of the exact date.

i went to my place and melted for a while. sure, i got over the pain and heartache that girl caused me, but i got myself in a rut that this is cyclical in my life. i got really afraid, and thought that i will never be able to properly care for my daughter because my wife will always be looming over my head, reminding me of what could've been. i still haven't figured out the reasons she left besides my jealousy. i want to know what caused her to walk out. i want to know this so that i can start to mend fences within myself and get on the path to healing.

my wife has been in contact with me every day. she texted me last night to tell me our daughter was asleep, and to tell me goodnight and get some good rest. i yelled for several minutes into nothingness. i yelled at myself for not fighting harder to try and get her to stay. i yelled at her for walking out, and how dare she tell me to get good rest. i'm a zombie. i sleep less than 2 hours a night. i don't understand. i got into such a good place yesterday, although it was fleeting.

this is rambling. i don't have a point.

[lupa]

yesterday, on my way in from work, i passed the first girl who ever broke my heart. she and i were together for 4 years, lived together 3 of those, and were planning a wedding when we split. i was literally at rock bottom for about 3 months, and then one day found she had been sleeping with my then best friend of the time. they are now married with a couple of kids. strange, because even though we live in the same city, i haven't seen them in years. i started thinking back, and realized it has been 10 years since she and i split. 10 years to the month, i'm not sure of the exact date.

i went to my place and melted for a while. sure, i got over the pain and heartache that girl caused me, but i got myself in a rut that this is cyclical in my life. i got really afraid, and thought that i will never be able to properly care for my daughter because my wife will always be looming over my head, reminding me of what could've been. i still haven't figured out the reasons she left besides my jealousy. i want to know what caused her to walk out. i want to know this so that i can start to mend fences within myself and get on the path to healing.

my wife has been in contact with me every day. she texted me last night to tell me our daughter was asleep, and to tell me goodnight and get some good rest. i yelled for several minutes into nothingness. i yelled at myself for not fighting harder to try and get her to stay. i yelled at her for walking out, and how dare she tell me to get good rest. i'm a zombie. i sleep less than 2 hours a night. i don't understand. i got into such a good place yesterday, although it was fleeting.

this is rambling. i don't have a point.

Bullsh*t. You DO have a point. Get it out, work through it here. You need support and comfort, and believe me, brother, this place offers anonymity and intimacy all at the same time.

 

Keep talking...we're listening.

[MrMayI]

i really just don't know. i keep picking apart the aforementioned text that her brother sent me. that I had better fix this s**t, and what type of counseling I need. no mention of his sister, no mention of the fact that she left. no worry of her having her cake and eating it too. she moved out, but at this point she has not walked out of my life. texting daily. calling me daily, and seeing her every day even if only briefly. i'm getting more and more on edge as the hours roll by. i'm at grips with the separation. i truly am. i just don't think there's been enough explanation for me to even hope to repair it.

i know her family wants me to stay part of their family, but i just don't know. my family is mostly all right there in the same city. they are being very supportive of me and our daughter. they're even being no different to my wife. God help me. i just am having a hard time today grasping why she moved out if she's going to keep in regular contact with me, acting almost as though nothing has happened.

is she that blind??!!?? does she not see how f***ing major this is??

[LisaUk]

i really just don't know. i keep picking apart the aforementioned text that her brother sent me. that I had better fix this s**t, and what type of counseling I need. no mention of his sister, no mention of the fact that she left. no worry of her having her cake and eating it too. she moved out, but at this point she has not walked out of my life. texting daily. calling me daily, and seeing her every day even if only briefly. i'm getting more and more on edge as the hours roll by. i'm at grips with the separation. i truly am. i just don't think there's been enough explanation for me to even hope to repair it.

i know her family wants me to stay part of their family, but i just don't know. my family is mostly all right there in the same city. they are being very supportive of me and our daughter. they're even being no different to my wife. God help me. i just am having a hard time today grasping why she moved out if she's going to keep in regular contact with me, acting almost as though nothing has happened.

is she that blind??!!?? does she not see how f***ing major this is??

 

I know this feeling, I have spent MONTHS going over every detail of WHY he's done this. You know what, I still don't know for sure and I'm never going to. You're situation is different though, your wife is holding the carrot of reconcililation, over your head, yet she is not willing to explain her feelings or give you any direction. This is totally unreasonable behaviour.

 

The way I see it, you have limited options here. You could ask her to go to MC. You can tell her you are working on your jelousy issues, but you don't understand why she has to remain out of the house while you do so, when she is in constant contact with you anyway, you could tell her you are doing your best but feel she is not trying or you can pull the plug and file, be dammed with it.

 

I don't know, I think you need to take your time, wait until your head is clearer and it will clear in time. keep talking to us, I've found talking it through on here really has helped with the clarity. (Have a look at my thread I get it, perhaps you will be able to understand the process a bit more).

[MrMayI]

I know this feeling, I have spent MONTHS going over every detail of WHY he's done this. You know what, I still don't know for sure and I'm never going to. You're situation is different though, your wife is holding the carrot of reconcililation, over your head, yet she is not willing to explain her feelings or give you any direction. This is totally unreasonable behaviour.

 

The way I see it, you have limited options here. You could ask her to go to MC. You can tell her you are working on your jelousy issues, but you don't understand why she has to remain out of the house while you do so, when she is in constant contact with you anyway, you could tell her you are doing your best but feel she is not trying or you can pull the plug and file, be dammed with it.

 

I don't know, I think you need to take your time, wait until your head is clearer and it will clear in time. keep talking to us, I've found talking it through on here really has helped with the clarity. (Have a look at my thread I get it, perhaps you will be able to understand the process a bit more).

 

thanks. the options you've pointed out are truly the only ones i feel i have. she needs her "space", and tells our daughter "mommy and daddy just need some time apart". obviously, it's not me who wants the "time apart". that's where the jealousy continues to take hold. i tell myself it's so she can have "space" to explore the potential of her relationship with her co-worker. i digress, and put it to the side though. i stop and breathe, and change the movie in my mind to a positive time with my wife and daughter.

yesterday, i told myself "damnit all! i'm going to her house and handing her the papers, and she can sign or not. that'll be the kick in the A she needs!" i really don't want to divorce, however. at least not right now.

thank you.

take more time. breathe. get my head clearer.

[lupa]

thanks. the options you've pointed out are truly the only ones i feel i have. she needs her "space", and tells our daughter "mommy and daddy just need some time apart". obviously, it's not me who wants the "time apart". that's where the jealousy continues to take hold. i tell myself it's so she can have "space" to explore the potential of her relationship with her co-worker. i digress, and put it to the side though. i stop and breathe, and change the movie in my mind to a positive time with my wife and daughter.

yesterday, i told myself "damnit all! i'm going to her house and handing her the papers, and she can sign or not. that'll be the kick in the A she needs!" i really don't want to divorce, however. at least not right now.

thank you.

take more time. breathe. get my head clearer.

If she is treating you this way, she is not worth your love.

 

It took me two months to udnerstand that the woman I fell in love with is not this two-headed alien psycho-hose-beast that I'm dealing with now. They aren't the same person.

 

You can miss the old one, you can have those memories...but this new one does not deserve you in any way.

[MrMayI]

If she is treating you this way, she is not worth your love.

 

It took me two months to udnerstand that the woman I fell in love with is not this two-headed alien psycho-hose-beast that I'm dealing with now. They aren't the same person.

 

You can miss the old one, you can have those memories...but this new one does not deserve you in any way.

 

i know what you mean. today marks one week since she moved completely out. i'm at a loss for understanding just what i'm supposed to do. i feel we could rebuild. i think if i just give it time, then maybe we will reconcile. maybe we won't. i'm okay with it either way. i've had zero affection from her short of a hug for six weeks now. i've come to grips with the shift. she has pictures of me up in her new house. she cares, i know she does.

i think what i'm really waiting for is her to morph into the two-headed alien psycho-hose-beast before i actually make my move. i miss her kiss. her touch. i wish i didn't, but i do.

[lupa]

...and I do, too. But it gets less every day.

 

 

You know the expression, "There's plenty of fish in the sea"?

 

What they don't tell you is that the rest of it goes "...but you're in the desert. Alone."

 

THAT's what it feels like, and it might even be true, but I can tell you from my recent experiences, not only is that desert really freaking close to the sea, but you'd be surprised how many of your friends and family are going to help get you there.

 

I'm not saying go date, I'm saying the world isn't that bleak, at least, not as bleak as it feels right now. I miss my wife's touch, too...but she hasn't been my wife for a while now.

 

I can hope, but I can't hold out forever. Neither can you. Find something from this experience and work on it. Be a better man in the end.

 

I'm going to learn to understand empathy, learn how to listen and feel.

 

What are you going to do?

[MrMayI]

...and I do, too. But it gets less every day.

 

 

You know the expression, "There's plenty of fish in the sea"?

 

What they don't tell you is that the rest of it goes "...but you're in the desert. Alone."

 

THAT's what it feels like, and it might even be true, but I can tell you from my recent experiences, not only is that desert really freaking close to the sea, but you'd be surprised how many of your friends and family are going to help get you there.

 

I'm not saying go date, I'm saying the world isn't that bleak, at least, not as bleak as it feels right now. I miss my wife's touch, too...but she hasn't been my wife for a while now.

 

I can hope, but I can't hold out forever. Neither can you. Find something from this experience and work on it. Be a better man in the end.

 

I'm going to learn to understand empathy, learn how to listen and feel.

 

What are you going to do?

 

i'm going to learn the same things as you, honestly. i'm also well on the path to leaving jealous actions and habits on the side of the road, and slinging dust in their face as i peel away.

i'm going to learn to be myself again. he's been gone for a while. i'm going to find him and give him a big ol' bear hug, and never let him go again. that guy smiled. that guy commanded attention. that guy netted ladies any time he wanted. that guy was my true best friend.

[lupa]

Anyone else feel like Gunny is in the room right now with us?

 

Lol...

 

Keep it up, brother. We'll get there.

[MrMayI]

my bro in law texted me again telling me that MC really did work for he and his wife, and asking that we please go and try to fix our problems. he told me he misses the three of us, and wants us to be happy again.

i sent him one back and said i don't want to get in the middle of you and your sister, but i hope that you will tell her that as well, as she has repeatedly declined. i really love her, and i'd love to save my family but i cannot do it on my own. all i can do right now is "fix" myself, and that's what i'm determined to do.

[LisaUk]

my bro in law texted me again telling me that MC really did work for he and his wife, and asking that we please go and try to fix our problems. he told me he misses the three of us, and wants us to be happy again.

i sent him one back and said i don't want to get in the middle of you and your sister, but i hope that you will tell her that as well, as she has repeatedly declined. i really love her, and i'd love to save my family but i cannot do it on my own. all i can do right now is "fix" myself, and that's what i'm determined to do.

 

Excellent worded text man! Way to go, outstanding! I have to go right now, I have a driving lesson in a while, but I will post back later. Stay strong!

[MrMayI]

looking at info on EA's, i'm starting to really question the validity of their existence. while yes, i believe they can be hurtful to the outside spouse, i.e. me, i don't believe they mean any harm sometimes. i'm not disputing that they most often grow into something a step further, possibly becoming a full on PA, but still.

i say this because i now think i've been having an EA with a co-worker for quite sometime. it would never become anything more, but i'm realizing that's just what it is.

damnit! no matter what happens with my marriage, i will never stop studying on matters such as these again. i just want to be in a constant learning cycle on both love and life.

[LisaUk]

looking at info on EA's, i'm starting to really question the validity of their existence. while yes, i believe they can be hurtful to the outside spouse, i.e. me, i don't believe they mean any harm sometimes. i'm not disputing that they most often grow into something a step further, possibly becoming a full on PA, but still.

i say this because i now think i've been having an EA with a co-worker for quite sometime. it would never become anything more, but i'm realizing that's just what it is.

damnit! no matter what happens with my marriage, i will never stop studying on matters such as these again. i just want to be in a constant learning cycle on both love and life.

 

I have to say i had never come across the term EA before coming on here. Is this just an American term, non of my friends have ever heard it used either. It's either a full on affair or it isn't.

 

You're doing really well, you are right to keep learning even if your marriage doesn't make it through this. However, I don't think your wife would have pictures of you up in her house if she was playing you, nor would she be so nice and be texting etc. I think the bro inlaw could be an influence here and you have now told him, it is her that's refusing MC.

 

We''ll see.

 

Stay strong. Take your time, it's only been a week, probably feels like forever, I know, but there is time yet I think.

[MrMayI]

I have to say i had never come across the term EA before coming on here. Is this just an American term, non of my friends have ever heard it used either. It's either a full on affair or it isn't.

 

You're doing really well, you are right to keep learning even if your marriage doesn't make it through this. However, I don't think your wife would have pictures of you up in her house if she was playing you, nor would she be so nice and be texting etc. I think the bro inlaw could be an influence here and you have now told him, it is her that's refusing MC.

 

We''ll see.

 

 

 

 

Stay strong. Take your time, it's only been a week, probably feels like forever, I know, but there is time yet I think.

 

good points. i still am having a hard time staying focused on much else. work has been slow going, but i'm getting back in it.

i just feel like i received a swift kick in the A, and am going to better myself all day, every day. time is the biggest factor in this. i believe my wife may be in it to save it, but if she's not, i'm learning quickly how to move on.

 

i'm so selfish Lisa. How was your driving lesson? i've always wanted to go to England and see if i can drive on what i know as "the passenger side" on the left of center.

i hope your lesson went well. you are very insightful, and encouraging, even in your time of sorrow. i can really see you getting stronger by the day, even if i've only been here a week.

 

edit: not sure about EA. i never heard it before last year.

[LisaUk]

good points. i still am having a hard time staying focused on much else. work has been slow going, but i'm getting back in it.

i just feel like i received a swift kick in the A, and am going to better myself all day, every day. time is the biggest factor in this. i believe my wife may be in it to save it, but if she's not, i'm learning quickly how to move on.

 

i'm so selfish Lisa. How was your driving lesson? i've always wanted to go to England and see if i can drive on what i know as "the passenger side" on the left of center.

i hope your lesson went well. you are very insightful, and encouraging, even in your time of sorrow. i can really see you getting stronger by the day, even if i've only been here a week.

 

edit: not sure about EA. i never heard it before last year.

 

You're not at all selfish, you have a lot going on, it's early days. I know for me that first week was terrible. I couldn't eat (I lost 7lbs in 3 days), I couldn't sleep at all, I was shaking and I was very sick it affected my whole system. I developed this rash all over my chest,back and arms then it became to spread down my legs. It kind of looked like shingles, so I went to the doctor, she said it was my bodys way of dealing with extreme trauma, it affected my nervous system that badly. The first few weeks are awful, it's like you are in a cloud and can't see your way out. It does get easier with time, I promise. Gradually things start to get clearer. You have setbacks, but as time goes on you will find it easier to sleep, eat etc.

 

I hope you are right about me getting stronger, certainly in the last couple of days I feel a change within myself. I just hope it's not a fleeting feeling!

 

My driving lesson went well thanks, apart from I keep changing into 5th gear (stick shift) instead of 3rd, which of course makes the car die away, no power, not good when you are on a roundabout! Do you have roundabouts there? I'm not sure you do? I'm really enjoying it, I'm doing something for myself and it takes my mind of everything completely for two hours, I guess I'm so busy trying not to kill myself and my instructor! My ex would be amazed if he saw me now, I suffered with anxiety attacks for years following a stomach illness I had. I was getting better anyway before the split, but now, I really have improved so much.

 

I was thinking about your wifes behaviour and wondering if perhaps she is doing this as she thinks it is the only way to get you to sit up and take notice. Womens minds work in strange ways sometimes, sometimes we think the only way to get a point across is to take drastic action. Certainly her behaviour is far, far removed from that of my ex.

[tojaz]

Wow!! busy day MayI. I'm going to have to quit my job just to keep up with everybody.

 

MayI, You said it yourself , that time is the biggest factor. TAKE THE TIME TO CLEAR YOUR HEAD. I think I said this before, but your gonna hate her, your gonna love her, your gonna feel it all. Just let it be for now, work on yourself and let her do what shes going to do. You can't do anything about it anyway. The text from her brother speaks volumes if you look. The first one was You, better fix this, you need counseling. Now its both of you need counseling, and both of you have problems. That says something if the wording is right.

On EA's, I believe. There are some things that just shouldn't be shared outside a marriage, and it isn't just sex. If you wouldn't feel comfortable with your wife knowing how your behaving, then it's probably wrong. Theres another thread going about a wife left her husband for an OM she has never met in person. If thats not proof EA's exist, I don't know what is.

 

Lisa, on a lighter note, There is a roundabout in my town. I hate the thing with a passion, nobody knows what to do. LOL

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

 

Lisa, on a lighter note, There is a roundabout in my town. I hate the thing with a passion, nobody knows what to do. LOL

TOJAZ

 

LOL, they aren't common then? They are everywhere here, i don't like them either. Just so you know, giveway to the right, signal just before the exit you are taking and if it's one with lanes, get in lane early. Although now I've said that, it's probably completley wrong as you drive on the right! LOL

 

If you have time google "The magic Roundabout Milton Kynes", it's the biggest roundabout in Britan and has eight roundabouts surrounding it, is a nightmare appaerntly. Hope you can find a picture.

[tojaz]

Here it is.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://picdit.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/round-about.png&imgrefurl=http://picdit.wordpress.com/2008/09/13/2-hardcore-roundabouts/&usg=__dpGR2GWgaMTN0BbIavHIo05Ble0=&h=266&w=564&sz=284&hl=en&start=6&um=1&tbnid=AIYzn3TMk3bVoM:&tbnh=63&tbnw=134&prev=/images%3Fq%3Droundabout%2Bmilton%2Bkeynes%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26hs%3DIH9%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1

No thanks, I'll walk!!!

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

i tried to initiate just one day of no contact. just one! i get 3 or 4 texts, a couple of phone calls, and a note on my kitchen counter, which actually sort of gives me the creeps. the note says basically what all 4 texts i didn't reply to say, and signed with a single heart:(. i'm just out of my head and i want to be left alone by her. sure, the signs just may be good, but i still have to say she betrayed my trust in marriage by walking out. that's just right now, but i really don't have it in me. i have my little girl back and will be keeping her through the weekend. i'm going to try and make it so we don't cross paths for a few days. she can see the kid at the sitter's. i have a lot of family in town for the weekend, or on the way anyhow. i want to invest my time with them and my daughter, without the burden of this.

[tojaz]

Sounds like a good idea MayI. Take a break, sounds like she is reaching out though, what did the texts say, if it can be shared.

Tojaz

[PWSX3]

Sorry I haven't kept up really well but it does sound like she is trying.....

 

The question is; do you want this marriage or not?

 

My former wife I think found out that maybe she made the wrong choice so whatever you do, make sure & think it all out and there is no time limit so maybe just being apart & starting over is what you needed. Just ideas.....

 

As for the roundabouts, best thing is to drive around & around & around in them & see how confused people get. We have small ones here so it is easy to stack up traffic when you do that. :laugh:

[MrMayI]

Sounds like a good idea MayI. Take a break, sounds like she is reaching out though, what did the texts say, if it can be shared.

Tojaz

 

the first one said i didn't reply to her goodnight text, but good morning anyway. second and third were "having a good day?", and "do you have your phone in the office with you?".

i know from everything i've read that i'm supposed to be seemingly fine when i talk to her, but it's hard. she seems like she's on top of the world.

maybe i'm being too hard on myself about it. i seem to be getting more than anyone else in this respect, but i have to wonder if it's just because we have a kid.

 

she made a comment the night before she was gone that it'll be good if we can keep up the momentum we had. it's gone though. the wind went right out of my sails the second i looked around my house when she was totally out.

[MrMayI]

Sorry I haven't kept up really well but it does sound like she is trying.....

 

The question is; do you want this marriage or not?

 

My former wife I think found out that maybe she made the wrong choice so whatever you do, make sure & think it all out and there is no time limit so maybe just being apart & starting over is what you needed. Just ideas.....

 

 

one for the ages. at this point, i just don't know. i'm more in the yes category, but i still feel so betrayed.