Just Hear Me Out....

[MrMayI]

Agreed. Only when your head is clear will you be able to decide. If a PA is something you really cannot come back from, that's fair enough, but this might not escalte that far yet!

 

i also can buy into this. it's just rough. i see my jealousy unfolding all over again, and at the same time i see myself beginning to retract. right now, i want zero to do with this woman. right now, i just want to get myself back on track, and she can continue her selfish little life that she's decided is better than the family life we all came to know so well. she believes finding ourselves again means going back to who we were. i was a well traveled, always on the road when not working, partying til the break of dawn guy. my wife, then daughter came along, and i have no desire to find that guy again. he's non-existent.

[LisaUk]

How much time is her cell phone activity showing she spends calling and how much texting to her FEMALE friends? Is there a huge decrenpency between this and the OM's?

[MrMayI]

How much time is her cell phone activity showing she spends calling and how much texting to her FEMALE friends? Is there a huge decrenpency between this and the OM's?

 

no females. none. except her mother, and about 20% of that is her, i'd say.

[spr8ted]

i have accepted that i am going to be a single father. i've accepted all of it. even though it's only phone activity, i've accepted that the "rules" of the separation don't apply, even after only a couple of weeks. i feel confident that i WILL get through this and be okay.

I would love to be a single father instead of what is happening to me. She is purposely keeping the kids from me knowing that it upsets me so. Getting lawyers involved soon. Count your blessings and it WILL be getting better for you with time. You have your dear child, it could be worse.

[MrMayI]

I would love to be a single father instead of what is happening to me. She is purposely keeping the kids from me knowing that it upsets me so. Getting lawyers involved soon. Count your blessings and it WILL be getting better for you with time. You have your dear child, it could be worse.

 

i'm sorry you're going through that. you're right. it absolutely could be worse. it's going to get worse for both of us, it seems. fight for your kids.

[MrMayI]

re-reading this thread shows me my mind is all over the world.

[LisaUk]

MayI, if she doesn't have any female friends then it is possible she is just talking to her friends who happen to be male? However, in the middle of the night does seem strange behaviour and the amount of texting also seems unusual. You don't know yet that this has progressed to a PA, and it's even more odd that the OM has now changed.

 

Is there any way you can listen in on her calls, to find out for sure? I think this has gone past the point of privacy now.

[LisaUk]

re-reading this thread shows me my mind is all over the world.

 

We just posted at the same time! LOL

 

See, this is exactly the reason that Tojaz and I keep telling you to hold fire!

[MrMayI]

MayI, if she doesn't have any female friends then it is possible she is just talking to her friends who happen to be male? However, in the middle of the night does seem strange behaviour and the amount of texting also seems unusual. You don't know yet that this has progressed to a PA, and it's even more odd that the OM has now changed.

 

Is there any way you can listen in on her calls, to find out for sure? I think this has gone past the point of privacy now.

 

i don't believe so. i mean, i'd have to bug her house, and i don't need to go that far. i really don't believe it's a PA at this point, but devoting around 6 or 8 hours to two different guys in the course of a week, and about 45 minutes to me is what's bringing me down. i've asked about counseling. i've asked to talk. i've asked if there's anything to be done. i'm not asking anymore. i think if sledgehammered with D papers and her family knowing exactly why it happened will be just about the most effective thing i can do to her now.

[LisaUk]

i don't believe so. i mean, i'd have to bug her house, and i don't need to go that far. i really don't believe it's a PA at this point, but devoting around 6 or 8 hours to two different guys in the course of a week, and about 45 minutes to me is what's bringing me down. i've asked about counseling. i've asked to talk. i've asked if there's anything to be done. i'm not asking anymore. i think if sledgehammered with D papers and her family knowing exactly why it happened will be just about the most effective thing i can do to her now.

 

MayI, are you funding her finacially, are you paying for her house, cell phone etc? Because on way of giving her a short sharp shock is to cease funding her.

[MrMayI]

MayI, are you funding her finacially, are you paying for her house, cell phone etc? Because on way of giving her a short sharp shock is to cease funding her.

 

no. she's actually going to be in a bind once all of the bills start rolling in. she will not see a dime out of me. she pays her own cell bill, but i'm on the account as well.

honestly, lisa. i'm at wit's end as to what i can do to change the course of things. one thing is i'm going to change my cell plan away from her. then, she can do what she wants with it, and i won't have a way of knowing. i'm going to ignore all calls from her for now, and try my best to pull it together.

i'm really firm today on throwing the papers down, but like you say, that could change tomorrow. all i really want right now is a little taste of happiness for myself, and to keep my daughter's spirits up.

[seibert253]

Plan of action? Others feel free to add or delete as necessary:

 

1. Get your finances in order. Close all joint checking and savings accounts. Open new ones in your name only. DO NOT WAIT TO DO THIS, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

 

2. Change the locks on doors. She no longer lives there. She chose to move out

 

3. Contact an attorney, find out your rights, have D papers filed.

 

4. Go NC on anything other than finances or your child. Don't argue, don't engage her in any conversation. Don't answer her calls/texts, let her leave VM. Call her back when/if you feel like it.

 

5. There may come a time when she will want to get together to "talk". If you still want to R, then you can tell her if she wants to work on the marriage you can meet to talk, but if she doesn't, she can contact your attorney.

 

6. Expose, Expose, Expose. Her family, friends, co-workers are only getting her side of the story. You need to enlighten them as to what's really going on. Endless texting with other men late at night. Hiding/concealing this. Lying. Enough is Enough.

[MrMayI]

Plan of action? Others feel free to add or delete as necessary:

 

1. Get your finances in order. Close all joint checking and savings accounts. Open new ones in your name only. DO NOT WAIT TO DO THIS, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

 

2. Change the locks on doors. She no longer lives there. She chose to move out

 

3. Contact an attorney, find out your rights, have D papers filed.

 

4. Go NC on anything other than finances or your child. Don't argue, don't engage her in any conversation. Don't answer her calls/texts, let her leave VM. Call her back when/if you feel like it.

 

5. There may come a time when she will want to get together to "talk". If you still want to R, then you can tell her if she wants to work on the marriage you can meet to talk, but if she doesn't, she can contact your attorney.

 

6. Expose, Expose, Expose. Her family, friends, co-workers are only getting her side of the story. You need to enlighten them as to what's really going on. Endless texting with other men late at night. Hiding/concealing this. Lying. Enough is Enough.

 

this is where it keeps coming back full circle to. Enough is Enough.

[LisaUk]

MayI, I just don't want you to make a mistake here, there is lots of time to serve those papers, but once you serve them, if you call her bluff and it doesn't work out, there's no going back.

 

My friend told me to leave my ex, call his bluff, I didn't, I felt that if he wanted out then he should stand up be a man and do it, I wasn't going to let him off the hook like that. I do wonder though if I had gone if it might of made a difference? WHo knows.

 

I guess you have to decide if you are going to be happy if it doesn't work and she accepts the papers. I don't think this is a decision you can make today, I think you need to ignore the wife totally, buisness only, take time for yourself, get yourself rested and well, as hard as it is try and put this out of your mind. Set a time limit, if nothing happens, if she isn't forthcoming, then you can make your decision?

[MrMayI]

MayI, I just don't want you to make a mistake here, there is lots of time to serve those papers, but once you serve them, if you call her bluff and it doesn't work out, there's no going back.

 

My friend told me to leave my ex, call his bluff, I didn't, I felt that if he wanted out then he should stand up be a man and do it, I wasn't going to let him off the hook like that. I do wonder though if I had gone if it might of made a difference? WHo knows.

 

I guess you have to decide if you are going to be happy if it doesn't work and she accepts the papers. I don't think this is a decision you can make today, I think you need to ignore the wife totally, buisness only, take time for yourself, get yourself rested and well, as hard as it is try and put this out of your mind. Set a time limit, if nothing happens, if she isn't forthcoming, then you can make your decision?

 

as always, you make very good points. the crucial part here is she'll agree to me having physical custody of our daughter, and sharing joint visitation and responsibility. if i wait it out, i just don't know if she'll agree later. i told her when this started that "i don't want to go to war". i mean that. i really do. i will expose this to her brother, if no one else, once all is said and done.

 

i do need to put this out of my mind. absolutely. it's just really hard to do when i know it's happening. i'm sure i'm not the first to say that, and i definitely won't be the last, but this is more than someone should have to put up with. if i confront her with what i know, she'll just try and turn it around on me. if i go the backdoor route through my lawyer, it'll hit her like a ton of bricks, and i'll be ready to live with the decision she makes.

[LisaUk]

as always, you make very good points. the crucial part here is she'll agree to me having physical custody of our daughter, and sharing joint visitation and responsibility. if i wait it out, i just don't know if she'll agree later. i told her when this started that "i don't want to go to war". i mean that. i really do. i will expose this to her brother, if no one else, once all is said and done.

 

i do need to put this out of my mind. absolutely. it's just really hard to do when i know it's happening. i'm sure i'm not the first to say that, and i definitely won't be the last, but this is more than someone should have to put up with. if i confront her with what i know, she'll just try and turn it around on me. if i go the backdoor route through my lawyer, it'll hit her like a ton of bricks, and i'll be ready to live with the decision she makes.

 

Hang on, she doesn't want custody of her little girl? A women who does not want her daughter with her? Somethings not right here. IMHO.

[MrMayI]

Hang on, she doesn't want custody of her little girl? A women who does not want her daughter with her? Somethings not right here. IMHO.

 

she is willing to let me have physical residency, and we'll have joint custody. her line of work can eventually afford her the ability to pretty much move whereever, where my line is stable, and i don't want my daughter taken from me. i also make a whole lot more money than she. believe me, when we were together, she was a great mom. i'll never slight her for that.

[LisaUk]

she is willing to let me have physical residency, and we'll have joint custody. her line of work can eventually afford her the ability to pretty much move whereever, where my line is stable, and i don't want my daughter taken from me. i also make a whole lot more money than she. believe me, when we were together, she was a great mom. i'll never slight her for that.

 

MayI, I'm sorry if I caused any offense, non was meant.

[MrMayI]

MayI, I'm sorry if I caused any offense, non was meant.

 

none taken. at all. you're not the first to say that, actually. hell, my lawyer even said it. i've just gotten myself all wound up today. i feel like a big letdown. NC is the absolute way i'm going.

i just talked to my lawyer. i'm taking him my requests tomorrow, and they will draft the papers and let me decide what course of action to take.

[LisaUk]

none taken. at all. you're not the first to say that, actually. hell, my lawyer even said it. i've just gotten myself all wound up today. i feel like a big letdown. NC is the absolute way i'm going.

i just talked to my lawyer. i'm taking him my requests tomorrow, and they will draft the papers and let me decide what course of action to take.

 

Why do you feel a let down?

[MrMayI]

Why do you feel a let down?

 

i'm just starting to realize that all of the jealousy issues thrust upon me in the past months have just been justification of the EA that has been going on right under my nose. she never spoke of this guy when she'd talk about work. she'd only talk about the people i already knew and liked. a sure sign right there. now with this other one moving into the picture, i really think it's going to go to a PA. only, i'm not going to give it time to be considered an affair, i don't think. i wanted my little girl to see her mommy and daddy together and happy again. it'll never happen. i'm not built like that. i was fooled.

[LisaUk]

i'm just starting to realize that all of the jealousy issues thrust upon me in the past months have just been justification of the EA that has been going on right under my nose. she never spoke of this guy when she'd talk about work. she'd only talk about the people i already knew and liked. a sure sign right there. now with this other one moving into the picture, i really think it's going to go to a PA. only, i'm not going to give it time to be considered an affair, i don't think. i wanted my little girl to see her mommy and daddy together and happy again. it'll never happen. i'm not built like that. i was fooled.

 

It's so frustrating not knowing for sure isn't it? I kind of feel the same in a way, my ex did a lot of blaming, things I'd never heard raised before, the crux, he says we haven't been compatable the whole 18 years!

 

Having looked again and again at the whole picture, everything said and done over the years, during his leaving and after I have come to the realization that he is projecting, I really feel he is in some sort of crisis.

 

I'm not saying that to detract from any responsibilty on my part, there were some issues there, there had to be for him to be able to use them as excuses. Yet, they don't add up somehow, it kills me I can't know for sure, it's like best estimate?!

[MrMayI]

It's so frustrating not knowing for sure isn't it? I kind of feel the same in a way, my ex did a lot of blaming, things I'd never heard raised before, the crux, he says we haven't been compatable the whole 18 years!

 

Having looked again and again at the whole picture, everything said and done over the years, during his leaving and after I have come to the realization that he is projecting, I really feel he is in some sort of crisis.

 

I'm not saying that to detract from any responsibilty on my part, there were some issues there, there had to be for him to be able to use them as excuses. Yet, they don't add up somehow, it kills me I can't know for sure, it's like best estimate?!

 

i know what you mean. that's all you can do is estimate what went wrong.

 

in my situation here, i just feel that i have been run over. looking back and thinking of the events leading to this separation, i can now see where it was coming for a while. i'm thinking back on moments where she almost let it come out that she wanted "time" and "space", but for some reason she retracted. i wish i had paid more attention. not necessarily to save the marriage immediately, but to have done what i'd be willing to do now. put us back together again with honest work. knowing myself, that opportunity is rapidly passing me by. i'm pretty impulsive, so once the papers are drawn i'll probably drop it on her immediately.

[LisaUk]

i know what you mean. that's all you can do is estimate what went wrong.

 

in my situation here, i just feel that i have been run over. looking back and thinking of the events leading to this separation, i can now see where it was coming for a while. i'm thinking back on moments where she almost let it come out that she wanted "time" and "space", but for some reason she retracted. i wish i had paid more attention. not necessarily to save the marriage immediately, but to have done what i'd be willing to do now. put us back together again with honest work. knowing myself, that opportunity is rapidly passing me by. i'm pretty impulsive, so once the papers are drawn i'll probably drop it on her immediately.

 

 

Exactly, but for me I can see him going into depression but not about us, about him, kept saying he felt old! I resaerched signs of gradual deterioation (spelling!), there weren't any, even now looking back!

 

If you know you are implusive MayI, WAIT! Like TOjaz said, there is always time for divorce, but once served there may be no way back!

[tojaz]

Listen to her MayI, I'm not going to rehash my old posts, you know what i'm talking about. You keep saying your not sure about the EA, let me ask you this, are you comfortable with her talking to these guys at all hours? If not, and you let her know and she refused to stop, that is disrespect and inappropriate in your marriage. Dosen't matter what it is.

Tojaz