Just Hear Me Out....

[tojaz]

i've just hit a brick wall with her. i have nothing to say, short of "you've only proven me right", or something like that. it's just gone, i think. i texted her to tell my daughter i love her, and i'll see her tomorrow. i only did that because i haven't seen my daughter since very early this morning. she called right after, let my daughter say hello, then got on the phone. i mustered "alright. tell her to sleep tight." she said "oh. okay? so, i'll talk to you later i guess". i said "yeah, sure. bye." it's gone. i've disconnected. i'm almost certain. i know, almost is the key word.

 

If you where disconnected, the OM wouldn't bother you so much. Your not disconnected, your pissed!:mad: I'd do what Siebert did, it's kind of passive aggressive but it will get the point accross, and less chance of backsliding if you just let her "find" the papers. A good slap in the face with reality just might wake her up.

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

There once was a man who was the most successful mule trainer in the World.

 

Now as we all know? Mules can be some the most stubborn animals on the planet?

 

A reporter from Animal Planet went to find out what his secret was?

 

Scratching his chin the man told him, "Alright! Follow me!"

 

They walked around to the backside of the barn, where there was this mule tied up.

 

The man picked up a 2X4 and cracked it over the front of the mules forehead, instantly dropping it to its knees!

 

Then he turned to the reported and said, "FIRST? YOU'VE GOT TO GET THEIR ATTENTION!"

 

This is pretty much the way with WS. You've got to get their attention and let them know your as serious as Death, you mean business, and your not playing around with their @zz!

 

Its not going to be pretty and its not going to be fun, and in the words of Alice Cooper? "No More Mr. Nice Guy!"

 

Its a risky gambit, but what the Hell? The way things are lining up and looking you're headed for the Big 'D' anyway, right!

 

Begging, pleading, imploring, crying didn't work?

 

If all that couldn't make them stay? It sure as Hell won't bring them back!

 

When Cortes landed in Mexico with a couple hundred men? He burnt his ships.

 

He and his men were now in a strange land, facing a hence unknown culture against hundreds of thousands if not more hostile Aztec Indians.

 

To say they were very positively motivated would be understated.

 

I had a friend of mine in his late fifties. His wife about eight or nine years younger than he, went through menopause.

 

Her hormones went South and one day she walked out and told him that she was done with sex, no longer had any desire, and she was through.

 

He told her, "Alright!"

 

Now he worked second shift, and his wife worked first.

 

He went up town and got with an old GF from back in the day that had been married and divorced a couple of times? They discussed it, and she was still interested in sex, but didn't want a husband to cook and clean for?

 

So they got together a couple times a week.

 

Of course they eventually got caught. He told his wife, that he was in it just for the sex, that she had told him she was finished with sex, but that he wasn't? He had told the GF and they had an understanding that he didn't have any intention of leaving nor divorcing the wife.

 

The wife told him she was going to get an attorney and take "this place and everything with it!"

 

He stepped out back for a smoke, came back in.

 

"If you want a divorce we can get an attorney and split everything down the middle fifty-fifty. But your going to take everything I've worked for all of these years? I don't think so!"

 

Then he sat the gas can on the kitchen table and said, "You want the living room suite? You'd best get yourself a broom and dust pan, I'm about to burn this place to the ground!"

 

She called his bluff and told him they would arrest him for arson? "Nope!" he replied? "I've already checked with more than one attorney! This house is bought and paid for along with everything in it! All I've got to do is call and cancel the insurance policy!"

 

To say the least? She became very motivated and had a change of attitude about the marriage, and about sex until he passed over at the age of 70.

 

That person was my Dad.

 

When you demonstrate your not playing their games according to their rules, and that your perfectly willing to get up, pick yourself up and move on with your Life?

 

Without them?

 

That makes them set and take notice.

 

You have to understand that oftentimes affairs are about manipulation, control, getting the other person to dance like a puppet.

 

When you cut the strings? They've lost absolute and complete control of the situation ~ and of you!

 

In my own marriage ~ that's what it came down to? I couldn't and wouldn't be controlled nor manipulated.

 

It wasn't so much that I was wanting to be in control of the relationship, but she wasn't either ~ I wanted us to be in control of the relationship ~ partners, each with an equal say.

 

When two people get married, there are actually three entities that make up the relationship, you, her, and us!

 

Its us that should be making the decisions ~ but oftentimes ~ too many times individual egos get in the way?

 

Were it me? I'd drop "the bomb" on her! I'd go DefCon 4 on her @zz! And it would be scorched earth all the way!

 

"When you've got them by the b****? Their hearts and minds will follow!"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=Wolfe

 

You might want to read this thread.

 

Ladyjane14 no longer posts here, (You all might want to do a thread search for her previous post ~ the woman really knew her stuff)

 

She was an "Alpha-Female, and her DH was an Alpha-Male. She caught him having an Internet EA.

 

The day she caught him? She went straight to the divorce attorney's office, had papers drawn up, and delivered them herself that same evening!

 

Bida-bing! Bida-Boom!

 

She wasn't playing with his @zz!

 

They both knew it would be and get ugly, REAL ugly!

 

He asked for another chance?

 

Last I heard?

 

They're still together today and all :love::love::love:

 

More so than ever.

 

Ditto with Wolfe.

 

The common thread between the two?

 

They both took decisive action! They both didn't allow their spouses to disrespect them, tear them down, beat them up, (mentally, emotionally, physically), and they both put themselves forward as confident, self-assure, self aware, self actualized individuals and human beings!

 

You may love someone, even be in love with them? But with or without them?

 

Life goes on!

 

Affairs more often than not? Are more about their own insecurties, doubts, and issues than about YOU!

 

What you did and didn't do? What you said and didn't say?

 

Cheathers are always going to try and 'flip-it' and re-write the history of the marriage/relationship? Its to alieve their 'guilt' for having cheated.

 

 

They're trying to 'de-humanized' you to justify their actions! To justify theirs!

[tojaz]

Affairs more often than not? Are more about their own insecurties, doubts, and issues than about YOU!

 

What you did and didn't do? What you said and didn't say?

Cheathers are always going to try and 'flip-it' and re-write the history of the marriage/relationship? Its to alieve their 'guilt' for having cheated.

 

They're trying to 'de-humanized' you to justify their actions! To justify theirs!

 

Read that a few times MayI, it is hard to accept, believe me, I know! I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, but it helps to know this and give up her share of the blame. Thats hers!

TOJAZ

[dlim]

Gunnys right. You need to look back on the past and see it for what it is, not her interpretation of it. I know its easier to admit guilt because you then have a chance at changing something about yourself to fix things but that's probably not the case. I had the hardest time letting go for the same reasons and somewhat was trying to save her from herself. I had this idea in my mind that she was making the biggest mistake of her life and couldn't be happy without me, would regret it for the rest of her life...Ect....Ect... Dont bend over backwards to save someone who doesn't want it or needs it. Save yourself and be happy!

[MrMayI]

i was up half the night thinking about it all. it's not my fault. i've gotten a grasp on that. i'm hoping for a call from the attorney today. i'm ready to get this going. the papers will be shown, along with evidence of what's been going on behind my back (that i know of). i will state that i am not dumb and blind like it's believed i am. i will let it be known that i do still love her, because i do. i'll let her know it's just enough to let things go, or try and work things out, but i'm going to be just fine either way. i'm the captain of my ship, and it's time to set the course the way it needs to be.

[Gunny376]

Specifically what you should tell her is,......................

 

"I love you, but,..................................I'm a man, I've got my pride, I can't let some woman hurt me inside. I can't and won't live like this."

 

Then hand her the divorce papers, shut up and walk away

[MrMayI]

Specifically what you should tell her is,......................

 

"I love you, but,..................................I'm a man, I've got my pride, I can't let some woman hurt me inside. I can't and won't live like this."

 

Then hand her the divorce papers, shut up and walk away

 

that's a tough pill to swallow, but you're right.

[Gunny376]

that's a tough pill to swallow, but you're right.

 

I wouldn't just 'man-up' I'd 'John Wayne-Up'!

 

Hell I'd even do the John Wayne 'swagger' and tip my help thing!

[MrMayI]

i'm the rock of gibralta in this situation.

i really haven't found the strength to do the whole "act happy all the time" thing. i'm not acting sad, just indifferent. she has to start seeing i'm fading fast, and when i hand those papers they're going to feel like popsicles being placed in her hand.

[Gunny376]

i'm the rock of gibralta in this situation.

i really haven't found the strength to do the whole "act happy all the time" thing. i'm not acting sad, just indifferent. she has to start seeing i'm fading fast, and when i hand those papers they're going to feel like popsicles being placed in her hand.

 

That's good enough, just hold it together in front of her, I don't care if you break down a quarter mile down the road.

[MrMayI]

i've done very well at it. she's yet to see a tear out of me. not that several haven't been shed.

[MrMayI]

i also forgot to mention that when i got home yesterday and checked the mail my copy of "getting back together" had arrived. i don't even know if i want to crack the binding.

[MrMayI]

there's a strange calmness right now. it makes me think all h*ll is about to break loose. like everyone else, i'm sure, i just really wish this wasn't happening. i feel so bad for my daughter. she's not completely different, but her demeanor has definitely changed. she doesn't know what to do with herself. she's the funniest kid i know, and she's told me a couple of times to just leave her alone, she's having a bad day. she cries for seemingly no reason every once in a while. when she does, it breaks my heart all over again. she's the light of my world, and it pains me so deeply to know her mommy can willingly do this to her.

[Sufferin_Succotash]

I feel for you MrMayI. I am struggling with the same thing. The little innocent ones caught in the crossfire.

 

All you can do (or at least this is what I am doing), is be there for her and love her. Let her vent (even if it's about you). Don't render advice or opinions. Just simply listen. Empathize with her and let her know you understand and it's OK to have those feelings.

 

Regardless with what happens in your marriage, your daughter will know in the end who was there for her.

[LisaUk]

Hi MayI, Your daughter is 3? She must have picked up that "I'm having a bad day from someone else?" It must be very confusing for her, but she is young and she will be ok, just keep giving her love and play time, try and answer her questions as honestly as you can, without confusing her. You sound like a great dad so I'm sure you will get yourself and your daughter through all this ok.

[MrMayI]

Hi MayI, Your daughter is 3? She must have picked up that "I'm having a bad day from someone else?" It must be very confusing for her, but she is young and she will be ok, just keep giving her love and play time, try and answer her questions as honestly as you can, without confusing her. You sound like a great dad so I'm sure you will get yourself and your daughter through all this ok.

 

actually, she's almost 5. she seems to be getting used to it. she gave me a wake up call last week when she told me she wanted to just go shopping, because i was too sad at home. she hasn't seen me sad since.

 

lisa, i'll tell you this book "getting back together" is a lot more beneficial to me right now. it's very helpful in regards to reconciliation, but i haven't made it to any part about the other party being a possible cheater.

[LisaUk]

actually, she's almost 5. she seems to be getting used to it. she gave me a wake up call last week when she told me she wanted to just go shopping, because i was too sad at home. she hasn't seen me sad since.

 

lisa, i'll tell you this book "getting back together" is a lot more beneficial to me right now. it's very helpful in regards to reconciliation, but i haven't made it to any part about the other party being a possible cheater.

 

Oh ok sorry, my mistake, I think maybe i get confused between threads sometimes on childrens ages, specifics etc.

 

I'm glad the book is good, anything in there to help when one person just walks? Probably not, but thought I would ask anyway.

[MrMayI]

Oh ok sorry, my mistake, I think maybe i get confused between threads sometimes on childrens ages, specifics etc.

 

I'm glad the book is good, anything in there to help when one person just walks? Probably not, but thought I would ask anyway.

 

not a problem. i don't think i've ever mentioned her age.

it doesn't mention about walk away's, but it has some relevant points about OM's and that it's not the time for one to really concern themselves with that. it has a large focus on self repair and preservation from what i've read so far. i'm actually enjoying it, and d*mnit, it's spinning me back to where i think i need to cool my jets and give a little more time.

[LisaUk]

not a problem. i don't think i've ever mentioned her age.

it doesn't mention about walk away's, but it has some relevant points about OM's and that it's not the time for one to really concern themselves with that. it has a large focus on self repair and preservation from what i've read so far. i'm actually enjoying it, and d*mnit, it's spinning me back to where i think i need to cool my jets and give a little more time.

 

OK MayI, what do we keep saying about feeling different one day to the next? It's rollarcoaster time! You had me convinced this morning yur decision was made and so I decided, well that's it he's determined. Hold back, do not do anything for the moment re the big D. Like Tojaz has said many times, there is plenty of time to divorce, take your time.

[MrMayI]

OK MayI, what do we keep saying about feeling different one day to the next? It's rollarcoaster time! You had me convinced this morning yur decision was made and so I decided, well that's it he's determined. Hold back, do not do anything for the moment re the big D. Like Tojaz has said many times, there is plenty of time to divorce, take your time.

 

i knew i shouldn't have opened this book . still, i feel something has to be done to shock her back to somewhere in the gravitational pull of earth. she not giving into any sort of marital discussion has really put me in my position, in addition to the cell activity. still, every time i type something about my daughter, i start thinking that i want her to grow up in a home with both of her parents. this is a long and winding road. like gunny said i'm going to have to man up. i think showing her the papers is about the only thing i have in my arsenal right now.

[LisaUk]

i knew i shouldn't have opened this book . still, i feel something has to be done to shock her back to somewhere in the gravitational pull of earth. she not giving into any sort of marital discussion has really put me in my position, in addition to the cell activity. still, every time i type something about my daughter, i start thinking that i want her to grow up in a home with both of her parents. this is a long and winding road. like gunny said i'm going to have to man up. i think showing her the papers is about the only thing i have in my arsenal right now.

 

One thing Gunny said to me that has stuck in my mind is Takes two to make it, one to break it. You alone are not responsible for repairing your marriage. You cannot fix this alone, it takes two willing people to do that, all you can do right now is decide the best move you can make based on your knowledge of the situation. You really only have two options, work on yourself and hold out or come out guns blazing.

 

I had only one option, come out guns blazing, I am NC 4 weeks today. It hasn't done anything mind, he's not been in contact etc, but it has helped me to not have to listen to his c**p anymore. Which really is it's main purpose. (Do you like my Miss Piggy by the way, Kermit is explaining to her how it's not easy being green, she's not buying it! LOL).

 

You on the other hand still have options here, so take your time to decide, there is no rush, accept your sanity maybe!

[MrMayI]

One thing Gunny said to me that has stuck in my mind is Takes two to make it, one to break it. You alone are not responsible for repairing your marriage. You cannot fix this alone, it takes two willing people to do that, all you can do right now is decide the best move you can make based on your knowledge of the situation. You really only have two options, work on yourself and hold out or come out guns blazing.

 

I had only one option, come out guns blazing, I am NC 4 weeks today. It hasn't done anything mind, he's not been in contact etc, but it has helped me to not have to listen to his c**p anymore. Which really is it's main purpose. (Do you like my Miss Piggy by the way, Kermit is explaining to her how it's not easy being green, she's not buying it! LOL).

 

You on the other hand still have options here, so take your time to decide, there is no rush, accept your sanity maybe!

 

my sanity is steadily coming back. arrrrrgh...

from the book:

 

Impatience

Things didn't go from bad to worse overnight, and it will take time to turn the situation around. Be patient and willing to invest that time. Wanting to either "reconcile right now, or just get it over with and end it" might cause you to walk away without giving yourself a fair chance. Work your plan and follow constructive steps toward your goals. When you have setbacks, or when things don't go as planned, regroup and begin again. Keep your eye-and your heart-on your goal.

 

 

btw, i used to watch muppets religiously as a kid. i tried to get my daughter into them, but there's too much technologically advanced kids stuff now a days. puppets just don't get their attention.

[tojaz]

i've done very well at it. she's yet to see a tear out of me. not that several haven't been shed.

If thats the case, your doing better then me.

 

 

lisa, i'll tell you this book "getting back together" is a lot more beneficial to me right now. it's very helpful in regards to reconciliation, but i haven't made it to any part about the other party being a possible cheater.

You won't. The book isn't so much about her situation as about doing for you, and increasing your odds of her deciding in your favor on her own. Thats why I suggested it. I found the stats at the beginning of the book about reconcilliation and remarriage encouraging in a wierd way. You say it's helping to bring back sanity, thats a plus too, we all can use a little more of that.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

my sanity is steadily coming back. arrrrrgh...

from the book:

 

Impatience

Things didn't go from bad to worse overnight, and it will take time to turn the situation around. Be patient and willing to invest that time. Wanting to either "reconcile right now, or just get it over with and end it" might cause you to walk away without giving yourself a fair chance. Work your plan and follow constructive steps toward your goals. When you have setbacks, or when things don't go as planned, regroup and begin again. Keep your eye-and your heart-on your goal.

 

 

btw, i used to watch muppets religiously as a kid. i tried to get my daughter into them, but there's too much technologically advanced kids stuff now a days. puppets just don't get their attention.

Does that sound familiar to anyone?

[MrMayI]

Does that sound familiar to anyone?

 

i could feel it from head to toe. hahhahaha!