Just Hear Me Out....

[Owl]

It's going to be pretty much impossible to prove much if she doesn't live with you.

 

All you can really do is expose based off the sheer amount of her conversations with this guy.

 

Have you considered calling this guy, and 'confronting' him over the phone yourself? Tell him who you are, and tell him that you want the truth of what's going on FROM HIM.

 

The worst that will happen is that he'll tell you to !@!@# off, and your wife will be upset.

 

That's not a worse situation than sitting there accepting her actions...at least in my book.

[phineas]

she doesn't live with me anymore. it's her cell. the activity is through the roof. she may as well just duct tape it around her head or in her palm, as much as she's talking/texting on it.

no e-mail/IM.

 

Yeah, mine rang up I think $1500 in charges over two months talking to OM when she first conected with him.

I believed her when she said it was her friend & she was bored on her night shift & I mostly just worried about how I was going to pay that. It was almost two mortgage payments.

 

I asked her who it was & if she was cheating & believed what she said.

 

Sometimes I feel like an idiot & think I could of ended it right there & fixed our marriage.

 

Then I remember she shoose to do it & even after almost getting caught & adding a HUGE bill to an already debt heavy household she choose to just get her own cell phone so she could continue doing it.

 

How many signs did she need that what she was doing was wrong?

 

The selfishness she has shown over the last two yrs....

 

edit: just realized something. My wife's affair has lasted longer than my marriage.

[MrMayI]

Have you considered calling this guy, and 'confronting' him over the phone yourself? Tell him who you are, and tell him that you want the truth of what's going on FROM HIM.

 

.

 

believe me, it's in the recesses of my mind almost at all times. however, i have primary residency of my daughter right now. i have papers in the works with my attorney stating things stay that way. if i expose now, in a woman's world, as far as child custody goes, i will dramatically decrease my chances of things remaining the same.

i won't be "confronting" this guy when his time comes. i will be CONFRONTING this guy when his time comes. not violently, but i'm not doing anything over the phone. i know who he is, i know where he lives (with his parents), and i know where he works. i'm just biding my time.

[Owl]

believe me, it's in the recesses of my mind almost at all times. however, i have primary residency of my daughter right now. i have papers in the works with my attorney stating things stay that way. if i expose now, in a woman's world, as far as child custody goes, i will dramatically decrease my chances of things remaining the same.

i won't be "confronting" this guy when his time comes. i will be CONFRONTING this guy when his time comes. not violently, but i'm not doing anything over the phone. i know who he is, i know where he lives (with his parents), and i know where he works. i'm just biding my time.

 

I could be mistaken, given that I've never gone through divorce...but what does exposure have to do with custody?

 

If you're exposing in an attempt to reconcile your marriage...how does that affect who wins custody?

 

Is your state a fault or no-fault state?

[MrMayI]

I could be mistaken, given that I've never gone through divorce...but what does exposure have to do with custody?

 

If you're exposing in an attempt to reconcile your marriage...how does that affect who wins custody?

 

Is your state a fault or no-fault state?

 

IF i expose, and she becomes vindictive to make that her reason to fight for custody, well, i just don't want that. i'm not really working to save my marriage right now. this thread highlights that. i'm working to protect my interest, which is my daughter.

 

if my marriage can be saved, i'm not denying i'd like for it to happen.

[phineas]

IF i expose, and she becomes vindictive to make that her reason to fight for custody, well, i just don't want that. i'm not really working to save my marriage right now. this thread highlights that. i'm working to protect my interest, which is my daughter.

 

if my marriage can be saved, i'm not denying i'd like for it to happen.

 

Wow, Om lives with his mommy & daddy also.

I'm not going to nuke her to my friends that work with her because I don't want her getting vindictive either.

 

She is capable of it right now.

 

I cannot afford a long legal battle.

as long as she walks away asking for nothing & joint custody (like she says) i'll play along.

[MrMayI]

Wow, Om lives with his mommy & daddy also.

I'm not going to nuke her to my friends that work with her because I don't want her getting vindictive either.

 

She is capable of it right now.

 

I cannot afford a long legal battle.

as long as she walks away asking for nothing & joint custody (like she says) i'll play along.

 

phineas, we're in the same boat it seems. we're agreeable on joint custody, but i want it stated i have the physical residence of our daughter. she's not from here, and i don't want her trying to bail with my child.

 

i hated typing that last line out. it's mindblowing that the person i trusted with everything 2 1/2 months ago, is now becoming almost my enemy.

[phineas]

phineas, we're in the same boat it seems. we're agreeable on joint custody, but i want it stated i have the physical residence of our daughter. she's not from here, and i don't want her trying to bail with my child.

 

i hated typing that last line out. it's mindblowing that the person i trusted with everything 2 1/2 months ago, is now becoming almost my enemy.

 

Yep. the more she acts like she didn't lie & cheat on me the last two yrs the less I trust her.

 

Also, if my friends that work with her find out she may quit her job & then I have to contend with the fall out from that.

[MrMayI]

she called and left a VM regarding my mother's birthday. went by to see her. gave her a gift and card from "us".

man oh man. i just do not know.

[LisaUk]

phineas, we're in the same boat it seems. we're agreeable on joint custody, but i want it stated i have the physical residence of our daughter. she's not from here, and i don't want her trying to bail with my child.

 

i hated typing that last line out. it's mindblowing that the person i trusted with everything 2 1/2 months ago, is now becoming almost my enemy.

 

When my ex bought me out of our house my lawyer told me stay put until he pays, as we weren't married a seperation agreement only carrys so much weight if we ended up in court. He actually had the cheek to say "why do you need to stay in the house, I'm still an honurable man", to which I replied "Honey, you don't know the meaning of the word honour, you just jilted me!"

 

It is scary to think this is the man I trusted implicily, this women is not your wife! Remember that, protect your interests.

[Owl]

she called and left a VM regarding my mother's birthday. went by to see her. gave her a gift and card from "us".

man oh man. i just do not know.

 

Are YOU comfortable with this lie (by ommission) to your mother?

 

I'd tell her the truth...we're seperated pending divorce, and I suspect she's seeing someone else.

 

If your wife goes ballistic over that, you can expect to have to fight over anything else that might have come up anyway.

[MrMayI]

Are YOU comfortable with this lie (by ommission) to your mother?

 

I'd tell her the truth...we're seperated pending divorce, and I suspect she's seeing someone else.

 

If your wife goes ballistic over that, you can expect to have to fight over anything else that might have come up anyway.

 

what lie to my mother? she knows exactly what's going on.

she also knows she loves my wife. she can't help that. she helps with our daughter. there's a lot of binding ties in my predicament that i don't really mention on here. we've maintained very minimal contact, and my mother has been an unknowing help in that. well, she may know, she just loves her granddaughter, and wants to let us sort it out the way we're going to sort it out.

[MrMayI]

nevermind.

[LisaUk]

I think maybe Owl misunderstood when you said about the card from "us", Ithink he has gone now though?!

[Owl]

You're right...I did misunderstand the card from "us".

 

I didn't think that it was from the "both of you"...just one that she'd picked out and given to your mother.

 

Additionally, I thought that I'd read that you hadn't exposed the affair to anyone, so I was working under the assumption that the reason the card was from "us" was because your wife made it from the "both of you" so that your mother wouldn't be aware of the seperation/affair.

 

That's what happen when I "assume"...LOL!

 

Sorry for the confusion!

[MrMayI]

You're right...I did misunderstand the card from "us".

 

I didn't think that it was from the "both of you"...just one that she'd picked out and given to your mother.

 

Additionally, I thought that I'd read that you hadn't exposed the affair to anyone, so I was working under the assumption that the reason the card was from "us" was because your wife made it from the "both of you" so that your mother wouldn't be aware of the seperation/affair.

 

That's what happen when I "assume"...LOL!

 

Sorry for the confusion!

 

not a problem. your input is highly appreciated. i misunderstood your misunderstanding, apparently...LOL.

i've exposed my suspicions to my family, and even a couple of friends. they're all i have to rely on, and i don't keep secrets from my family often. not ones such as this, anyway. i just wanted them to all know that sure, i did things to fail in the marriage, but i was not the catalyst to put us where we are today, and i didn't want my wife to tell them such.

 

my situation is very strange, to me. my wife and i are in semi-regular communication, although i have completely stopped making initial contact. she still comes around my family, and i've asked them to just be nice. i think they would anyway. i need something more concrete than some texts and phone calls. at least, i feel i do anyway, if i'm truly going to seek divorce without question. i'm just a confused man, owl, as most of the people on here are. my biggest regret is my seeming inability to keep my wife from moving out. if i could've gotten her, somehow, to stay, i think we'd be on the road to positivity. i can't hold onto that, though, because it just may not be true.

[Owl]

No worries, MrmayI.

 

I'm a simple guy, and I put things into simple contexts.

 

Here's how I see your situation at the moment.

 

Your wife moved out. For whatever reason. In order to fix the marriage, she needs to move back in. In order for her to move back in, you have to make living on her own more painful/less comfortable than living at home with you.

 

She needs to suffer some kind of consequence for where she's at today, or she's not going to have any reason to "come home". She's got to have a reason to come home.

 

And, you need to make the "come home" seem more attractive to her than it is today. You do that by plan A...start meeting her emotional needs, start making positive changes in yourself that makes you more attractive to her. And, you make living outside "on her own" something that's not fun...you do that by not supporting her issue, by not helping her financially (or any other way) in living on her own. And once you get your evidence of an affair...you remove her support base for that...you talk with family and friends and ask them NOT to support her choice to interact with OM.

 

I know Lisa will say this is "too simple" ( ), but the bottom line is this is what it will take to try to make a change in this situation.

[MrMayI]

i see what you're saying owl. it makes a ton of sense. she needs the proverbial rug swept out from under her. the only leverage i have is the potential affair. i'm going to have to do like you said and tell friends, mine, and her family all to please not support her decision. i do nothing for her, financially.

[MrMayI]

today just felt so negative, all day. i hold out absolutely zero hope of reconciliation in this, and that really hurts.

[MrMayI]

i finally slept until about 15 minutes before my alarm went off. i don't know how that happened. when i woke up, the first thing i told myself is "not today. this will not control your mind today". i don't know yet if that'll hold, but at least i'm trying.

[lupa]

i finally slept until about 15 minutes before my alarm went off. i don't know how that happened. when i woke up, the first thing i told myself is "not today. this will not control your mind today". i don't know yet if that'll hold, but at least i'm trying.

Ha...it is like we're living the same bad dream. I only woke up at 4 am, then 630...about 45 minutes before my alarm.

 

I made a doctor's appointment, because I can't be sleeping with the aid of alcohol (how I've gotten sleep the last week or so). Maybe you should look into that, too?

[MrMayI]

Ha...it is like we're living the same bad dream. I only woke up at 4 am, then 630...about 45 minutes before my alarm.

 

I made a doctor's appointment, because I can't be sleeping with the aid of alcohol (how I've gotten sleep the last week or so). Maybe you should look into that, too?

 

when this whole thing started the last week of may, i went straight to my doctor, and got prescribed anti-depressants. they have really helped. i was very, very distraught the first week or two. i take melatonin, but it doesn't seem to be working right. i've been adjusting the amount taken, but feel it's never enough. i'm prescribed sleep aids, but with it just being me and my daughter, i'm afraid to take them. sometimes, i just don't wake up. she needs me to be alert if need be.

[Owl]

I went through that whole stress thing too.

 

I lost almost 25 lbs in 2 weeks, was sleeping less than 2 hours a night.

 

Here's a suggestion.

 

Time for a new hobby/pastime. Either hit the gym, or (my preference) take up something new, like martial arts.

 

And work it HARD going forward. I ended up resuming martial arts, and taking walks. Like 5-8 mile walks every night. Working out 2-4 hours doing kata, hitting the bags, running, etc...

 

I was so exhausted when I laid down my body had no choice but to sleep. It also forced my appetite to return.

 

Something to consider.

[lupa]

I went through that whole stress thing too.

 

I lost almost 25 lbs in 2 weeks, was sleeping less than 2 hours a night.

 

Here's a suggestion.

 

Time for a new hobby/pastime. Either hit the gym, or (my preference) take up something new, like martial arts.

 

And work it HARD going forward. I ended up resuming martial arts, and taking walks. Like 5-8 mile walks every night. Working out 2-4 hours doing kata, hitting the bags, running, etc...

 

I was so exhausted when I laid down my body had no choice but to sleep. It also forced my appetite to return.

 

Something to consider.

I'm still at the no energy stage, so runs, biking, etc...none of that works. Because of my knee, walking for exercise is pretty uncomfortable. It is better to jog, but I run out of steam. I'm due for the next run tonight.

[MrMayI]

i hit the gym 4-5 days a week. i lost 6 lbs. when all of this started, and decided i could not let that happen. i started eating to gain weight, came up with my workout plan, and have stuck with it for 6 weeks now.

 

i learned from my first major breakup, that i'm not going to fall into the blubbering pile of tears ever again. i took proactive changes to stop that. i still would like to have my marriage, but i don't need it. i don't need it, and i won't need it.