Just Hear Me Out....

[MrMayI]

forgive me for not following "the rules", but i'm not going to hand these papers over right away. now i have them. now i can hand them when i'm at absolute zero.

 

at least that's the feeling right now. i am still considering all of owl's advice. it's pretty solid.

[LisaUk]

forgive me for not following "the rules", but i'm not going to hand these papers over right away. now i have them. now i can hand them when i'm at absolute zero.

 

at least that's the feeling right now. i am still considering all of owl's advice. it's pretty solid.

 

Only do it when you are certain you can live with the outcome either way!

[MrMayI]

Only do it when you are certain you can live with the outcome either way!

 

i know. i feel like i can live with the outcome. what's strange is i think i can live with the "okay, let's sign" outcome, but i don't know what i'll do if it lifts the fog and she wants to work. i don't know if i have that in me anymore.

[seibert253]

Mr. I think it's time. Pull the trigger. Serve her papers.

 

I didn't have to have my FWW served, all she had to do was read them. She had a reality smackdown right then and there.

 

I dont' know how this will end, but either way the limbo will end. She will either work on fixing this, or you can now move on with your head held high. You've went above and beyond the call. Nothing else you can do.

[seibert253]

i know. i feel like i can live with the outcome. what's strange is i think i can live with the "okay, let's sign" outcome, but i don't know what i'll do if it lifts the fog and she wants to work. i don't know if i have that in me anymore.

 

Either way, you're now in charge. If she comes back, it's on YOUR terms. You are in the drivers seat.

[MrMayI]

Mr. I think it's time. Pull the trigger. Serve her papers.

 

I didn't have to have my FWW served, all she had to do was read them. She had a reality smackdown right then and there.

 

I dont' know how this will end, but either way the limbo will end. She will either work on fixing this, or you can now move on with your head held high. You've went above and beyond the call. Nothing else you can do.

 

thank you very much. i feel i really have. your advice throughout this has been solid as well.

[MrMayI]

very tense right now. i just do not know. why do i keep waffling like this? i know what time it is, i just keep looking away from the clock.

[LisaUk]

Because you still love her and you don't want to make the wrong move. Thing is if you serve the papers and she says ok, will you think you shouldn't have served the papers? If you don't serve the papers and she files, will you think I should have served the papers?

 

I know I'm not helping much, I cannot tell you what to do, it is your decision. Having read the boards over the last month, I would say that those who get results are the ones who come down tough. But at the end of the day, only you know your situation and what you think is best for you.

[Lisa616]

MrMay....I'm probably the last one to give advice here, but I go to a lot of Alanon meetings and one thing that we talk about a lot are not making decisions we are not 100% sure it is what we want.....not to be reactive and act off of emotion either ours or anyone elses's .........when in doubt, just wait. Since coming to Alanon I have made choices more conscientiously.....for a long time I avoided making decisions because I was sure there was some magical right choice but I never quite knew what that choice was.....what I have learned is that sometimes choosing not to decide is to decide. Sometimes you just have to sit on something a long time in order to feel right about it. I have followed your thread and understand that it is just not as simple as I am making it out to be; however, sometimes we have to just give things time, stay in our own box and believe that things come to their inevitable outcomes without our external attempts of control over them. Good luck with whatever you decide or not decide to do.

[MrMayI]

MrMay....I'm probably the last one to give advice here, but I go to a lot of Alanon meetings and one thing that we talk about a lot are not making decisions we are not 100% sure it is what we want.....not to be reactive and act off of emotion either ours or anyone elses's .........when in doubt, just wait. Since coming to Alanon I have made choices more conscientiously.....for a long time I avoided making decisions because I was sure there was some magical right choice but I never quite knew what that choice was.....what I have learned is that sometimes choosing not to decide is to decide. Sometimes you just have to sit on something a long time in order to feel right about it. I have followed your thread and understand that it is just not as simple as I am making it out to be; however, sometimes we have to just give things time, stay in our own box and believe that things come to their inevitable outcomes without our external attempts of control over them. Good luck with whatever you decide or not decide to do.

 

thank you very much. your advice is very valid. don't ever think it's not. i actually was talking to a dear friend of mine today who attends regular AA meetings. he told me the exact same thing. he also followed that with "i think you should already be 100% on getting rid of her", though.

[MrMayI]

another day, another day. just received a call from my Atty. he says to take my time, and when i know it's time, he'll be there to help me along. he really just wanted to see if i had any amendments i might want made to the papers. i know him, so i catch myself spilling my problems on him from time to time. oh man.

[MrMayI]

i've asked for a meet up this evening. don't really know what to say, just know i need to say something.

[lupa]

i've asked for a meet up this evening. don't really know what to say, just know i need to say something.

What are your goals? Write them out here.

[MrMayI]

What are your goals? Write them out here.

 

my goal now is just to give her the papers that are already drawn up, and end this. nothing more. honestly, i know that's what she wants. a large part of me wants that too. larger than the part that doesn't. maybe in the future we can reconcile, but for now, i think it just needs to end. today marks one month since she moved out. it's been 2 months since all of this started. i'm just weathered with it all. being in limbo is enough to drive me crazy. letting go hurts, but i have to do it. our daughter's well being is the most important thing. i hate that it's come to this, but it has. we'll just have to feel it out from here.

[phineas]

MrMayI - I let it go almost 3 months before I gave her the ultimatum & called OM's family.

 

I really wish I'd have been strong enough to do it as quickly as you.

 

After 1 month of being out of the house she should know what she wants.

Mine wanted to string me along until she could get OM to commit.

 

If you don't do this & she decides to come back to you on her own she will try to make it so you take her back on her terms.

You don't want that.

 

Let her know you are now running the show.

Let her know there are consequences for her actions.

She will either sign them or come back.

but on your terms.

 

I did this far too late with my wife.

There is no taking her back now.

 

She cannot be trusted anymore.

[MrMayI]

MrMayI - I let it go almost 3 months before I gave her the ultimatum & called OM's family.

 

I really wish I'd have been strong enough to do it as quickly as you.

 

After 1 month of being out of the house she should know what she wants.

Mine wanted to string me along until she could get OM to commit.

 

If you don't do this & she decides to come back to you on her own she will try to make it so you take her back on her terms.

You don't want that.

 

Let her know you are now running the show.

Let her know there are consequences for her actions.

She will either sign them or come back.

but on your terms.

 

I did this far too late with my wife.

There is no taking her back now.

 

She cannot be trusted anymore.

 

 

i'm not as strong as i make myself out to be. i don't want to show the papers because i don't know exactly what i want sometimes. i'd like to say i 100% am ready to lay it all on the line and get it overwith, but i'd be lying if i said that. i know everyone's advice will be to just end it, but it's not that easy for me.

 

this is the toughest thing i've ever gone through. bar none. i don't think i've ever felt so weak and powerless before in my life. i think i've actually felt lower than i do now, but i just feel there's nothing i can do. i'm damned if i do, i'm damned if i don't. i feel that if i lay it down, and she decides to fight me in court, i'm screwed. i feel that if i lay it down, and she truly is just sorting out "us", i've lost her forever. i feel that if i don't lay it down, i leave myself in limbo for an indefinite amount of time. everyone says my daughter deserves better, but she's actually adjusting very well. the situation just is what it is. we're not doing a poor job of co-parenting under the circumstances. just a bad job of piecing anything together, be it a new beginning, or the paperwork end.

[MrMayI]

the papers are on the table.

MC is on the table.

My heart is in my pocket, and will remain there til the end.

 

baby steps.

we both agreed divorce is not what we want, but if it has to be, it has to be. she will consider MC wholeheartedly. i told her that a good starting block is talking on the phone, daily, for at least 20 minutes, uninterrupted (got that from my counselor). she agreed to that. i said if we can make it through a little time doing that, then we can go to counseling, but find a counselor who will focus on strengthening the future, and not recreating the past. she stated that was a big fear. that a counselor would just tear apart everything and leave no hope for rebuilding. i let her know that i will walk straight out of there with her, and right to the attorney's office if it ends up like that.

 

i didn't handle things quite like advised. i made it known that i don't want to live together right now, i'm on the fence as to which direction we're heading. i made her aware of my awareness of the OM, and that i will live and go on if that's going to be what breaks us. she said she doesn't want to lose any friends, and why can't i try and be friends with them too. don't really know if that was an olive branch, or a steaming pile of horse dung. only time will tell. no matter what anyone says, i feel i did what was best for me, for now. i made it aware (with confidence) that i will walk. she believes me too.

 

1 month down. ??? to go.

[delajoonal]

mr....congrats! on your confidence and strength...do you have any to spare??? ;=)

 

no really, i am happy for you...being able to make a decision and stick with it and KNOW exactly what you want..even if just for today....

good for you!!!!

 

now, go out with some good friends...and celebrate...this is a true milestone...it really is:)

[LisaUk]

Well done MayI! Now just follow through, those 20 mins convos, don't let it go too long before you demand an answer on the MC though, talk to your counsellor about how long before you broach that again.

 

A positive step, well done!

[seibert253]

Great Job Mr. Proudness abounds here.

 

One thing, did she commit to NC with OM? Trust me, you cannot repair with the OM still in the picture. He is NOT a friend. At some point, you may want her to read "not just friends". I think that's the name of the book. Baby steps right now, but at some point if she really wants to work this out, OM needs to go by by.

[phineas]

Great Job Mr. Proudness abounds here.

 

One thing, did she commit to NC with OM? Trust me, you cannot repair with the OM still in the picture. He is NOT a friend. At some point, you may want her to read "not just friends". I think that's the name of the book. Baby steps right now, but at some point if she really wants to work this out, OM needs to go by by.

 

 

YEP!

OM has to go.

My wife claimed he was just a friend till I proved otherwise.

Then lied to me about NC. Lied muchly & elaborately & talked about blocking him from her cell phone & what not & it was all BS because she was still with him 3 months later.

[MrMayI]

i'm going to make it a point that OM will be gone. either he will or i will. like i said. baby steps. i've been dealing with the emotional aspect. if it has gone, or goes physical or doesn't stop when i request it (soon), that's my dealbreaker. i mean that, absolutely. i feel like everyone's unique advice to me has really sunk in. for now. thanks everybody. this site really has kept me in check.

[Chrome Barracuda]

i'm going to make it a point that OM will be gone. either he will or i will. like i said. baby steps. i've been dealing with the emotional aspect. if it has gone, or goes physical or doesn't stop when i request it (soon), that's my dealbreaker. i mean that, absolutely. i feel like everyone's unique advice to me has really sunk in. for now. thanks everybody. this site really has kept me in check.

 

Finally a man with a plan!

[MrMayI]

i really do feel like a man with a plan. a two sided plan, honestly. i am truly ready to go either way. my 2 or 3 day a week single life is really, really growing on me. i guess i'm still technically single the other nights, but my little girl is with me.

 

tonight. boxing on the t.v., beer, wings and video games soon. life could be way, way worse.

 

seriously. this is what i've been trying to do. look at the moment you're in. is it bad? change it! i've really been working on this. i get down at work, i pick up some more work and get it done. the song on the radio breaks me down, i turn the radio off, and say "AHLALALALALALALALAAAAA!!!" until i laugh. i know it won't always work, but i'm trying.

[MrMayI]

it's probably because i stayed up so late last night, but i don't feel remotely as confident this morning. it's a long, bumpy road. i was looking at some of my old friends on facebook last night. they're all still so happy and seemingly in love with their wives/husbands. it makes me sad to think that many of them were married and starting families so far ahead of me, and yet, i'm the one whose wife walked out. i'm the one who's alone, again. it's pretty biting. i'm going to have to shake off this load before i talk to my wife this afternoon.