Just Hear Me Out....

[MrMayI]

 

As for loving yourself v/s needing the love of others. It's alright to need love from someone else. Everyone NEEDS that every once in a while. Thats why most of us come here, because we need the support of others, the connection, and it is a NEED!

TOJAZ

 

very true.

i asked a female friend at work today for a sympathy hug. i haven't had a hug from a woman not in my family in at least 2 or 3 weeks. i felt like a complete toolshed for asking her, but i was feeling a bit overwhelmed and no one around was looking to spread rumors.

i had yet another nice conversation with the ex this evening. short, but nice. i see my indifference growing towards her now.

[tojaz]

very true.

i asked a female friend at work today for a sympathy hug. i haven't had a hug from a woman not in my family in at least 2 or 3 weeks. i felt like a complete toolshed for asking her, but i was feeling a bit overwhelmed and no one around was looking to spread rumors.

i had yet another nice conversation with the ex this evening. short, but nice. i see my indifference growing towards her now.

 

No need to feel that way about the sympathy hug MAYI, we all need that every once in awhile. I've found myself begging my sis to let me babysit, just to have some interaction. Once at the local B&N I met a lady in the selfhelp/relationship section who was also going through a divorce. Out of the blue she asked if I would hold her hand for awhile. I did and we ended up talking for a few hours, I realized I needed it as much as she did, thats why I say it truly is a NEED sometimes, not just a WANT.

 

How do you feel about the indifference, is it welcome or are the emotions still mixed? As I saw that coming to myself, it hurt a lot realizing thi finality of it all.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

i'm mixed up about it. i welcome indifference, but it makes the tug of war with loving her harder. i'm saying goodbye within, i guess. it's a lot easier to play everything nicely with indifference.

[tojaz]

Agreed. When I started noticing that, it made me feel it all over again. I still loved her, so how could I feel this way. It felt like a betrayal to her in some respect. Even though i knew it wasn't. Just raw instinct i suppose 13 years of loving, how could indifference be anything less. Yet she had shown that to me the whole time. Very disturbing the tricks our own minds play on us really.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

Agreed. When I started noticing that, it made me feel it all over again. I still loved her, so how could I feel this way. It felt like a betrayal to her in some respect. Even though i knew it wasn't. Just raw instinct i suppose 13 years of loving, how could indifference be anything less. Yet she had shown that to me the whole time. Very disturbing the tricks our own minds play on us really.

TOJAZ

 

i'm getting mixed reactions about the niceness she's been displaying. my best friend through all of this believes that i need to be leary, because it seems to her she may be sizing me up for a "reunion". my brother thinks it's essentially another form of cake eating, in that she's getting away from me like she wanted, but i'm still available to her, in her mind. i've gone from depression to confusion.

[Guitarjeff]

Alright mistermay, you have been through a ton of soul-searching, and that's good, but it's time for you to finish this so you can get on with your life. You will eventually find the woman you are supposed to grow old with, and it will happen naturally. You wouldn't want to be with anyone other than that person you are supposed to be with, would you? The point is, i't time to start taking life less seriously and just move in to the future. You are hurting no worse than anyone else who goes through this. I am a single father as well, and I have raised two kids, a boy and a girl, for ten years by myself. No afair involved in my marriage, just a divorce when the wife wanted something better in life and gave me the "i'm bored and need to find myself bit"

 

She ran out on her kids and I was thrilled to get custody of them. It's been just them and me for over ten years. Let me tell you, they have been the best ten years of my 47 year life, and I would not change a single thing in the past.

 

What I am trying to say is, raising your daughter, just you and her, will be the best years of your life by far. You will actually guard your freedom once you learn to love it. No one will be able to pull the rug out from under your life again, and you and your daughter will know emotional security like you have never known it before. I actually sabatoge relationships when I think we are getting too close, because I don't want to get married again right now and I want it to be just me until I get my children raised. My son is now 18 and has started college, and my daughter just started high school.

 

Your pain will slowly die, this is as sure as the sun will rise, and then you will know the best years of your life. Stop second guessing yourself, the quicker you make your mind up and stop hedging, the faster the pain will die, and in a few months you are on your new path and you have a purpose. Divorce is usually the fastest path to being pain free. I have seen people wallowing in pain even two years after the affair when they try to stay together, but with divorce, in 6 months you are well down your new path and your life is moving forward.

 

Be determined and set your new path and make that the end of it. When you do this, you will have this better feeling, a feeling of finding your way, having a goal and a path to go down, and that takes a good deal of the pain away. I assure you, you are in for the best years of your life and you will soon love your emotional security when the pain fades away, and you'll protect it with all your might. In short, you got your daughter, you are actually looking a great, happy life right in the face, with just you and your daughter, and ten years from now you will look back and say, "I wouldn't change a thing that has happened" You have a chance that a lot of fathers don't get, and your daughter and you will become so incredibly close that you can't begin to describe it in words. My goodness, you got it made, that's what I'm trying to say, it's just that you can't see this because of the pain, and that will soon be gone my friend.

 

You've made your mind up what to do, so get it over with and no turning back, stop letting yourself wallow in the pain, you should be smiling from ear to ear, you got the most important thing in your life, your darling daughter, and it's an adventure you will absolutely cherrish for all time. Believe me, you will be happier than you have ever been over the next decade.

 

When the woman you are supposed to grow old with comes along, you won't even have to try, she'll just show up in your life, and you wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Now pull yourself up by the boot straps, stop wallowing in pain and realize there is a much bigger picture going way beyond what you are seeing right now, keep focused on it and no more second guessing yourself, get started down that new path cause it gives your life purpose, and that makes the pain easier.

[MrMayI]

wow, guitarjeff. thank you so much for taking time to post that. another guy with his kids already into the future. i needed that. you're right. i'm right on the cusp, the edge of moving forward and taking my little girl into the happiest days we'll know. the ex just seems to keep jamming her toe in the door each time i start to close it.

 

thanks again. i'm sure i'll still be self absorbed and wallow some more, but at least i can get a glimpse of what lies ahead.

[seibert253]

wow, guitarjeff. thank you so much for taking time to post that. another guy with his kids already into the future. i needed that. you're right. i'm right on the cusp, the edge of moving forward and taking my little girl into the happiest days we'll know. the ex just seems to keep jamming her toe in the door each time i start to close it.

 

Slam the door and take her toe in the process. She tore out your heart, I'm sure she'll do find without a toe.

[tojaz]

i'm getting mixed reactions about the niceness she's been displaying. my best friend through all of this believes that i need to be leary, because it seems to her she may be sizing me up for a "reunion". my brother thinks it's essentially another form of cake eating, in that she's getting away from me like she wanted, but i'm still available to her, in her mind. i've gone from depression to confusion.

 

wow, guitarjeff. thank you so much for taking time to post that. another guy with his kids already into the future. i needed that. you're right. i'm right on the cusp, the edge of moving forward and taking my little girl into the happiest days we'll know. the ex just seems to keep jamming her toe in the door each time i start to close it.

 

Thats the game they play MayI me and the ex had a long talk about reconciliation, a good talk we were both happy and speaking from our hearts, the next day she filed! We went back and forth so many times, every time I gave up and told her to go she'd put on the breaks, ask her to stay and it was full steam ahead. i wish i knew why they can't just let it be a clean break. Sure it still hurts but at least it's over with, without being drug through the mud. Be careful MayI, a winding road is coming your way.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

let me just come in here and say, 21 year old, law student, beautiful, almost exotic girl, and me. this weekend has been a godsend. good friends, good food, football, and an evening of greatness.

 

she could fall for me. already. the difference in our position in life, and age, especially.

 

i could definitely keep this going for a while though.

 

just great. just great.

 

 

talked to the ex this morning for about a half hour and could only think of this girl. after my daughter, of course. i talked to the DD first, and then the ex, and it was white noise. i couldn't tell you what we were talking about.

[2.50 a gallon]

MrMayI

 

Ain't it great how a pretty face can make you forget about your troubles.

And football, sounds like you met a 10

 

It is my theory WS trade down and in the end the BS trade up, there must be a mathematical notation for this

 

Enjoy

[LisaUk]

let me just come in here and say, 21 year old, law student, beautiful, almost exotic girl, and me. this weekend has been a godsend. good friends, good food, football, and an evening of greatness.

 

she could fall for me. already. the difference in our position in life, and age, especially.

 

i could definitely keep this going for a while though.

 

just great. just great.

 

 

talked to the ex this morning for about a half hour and could only think of this girl. after my daughter, of course. i talked to the DD first, and then the ex, and it was white noise. i couldn't tell you what we were talking about.

 

Woo Hoo! You go MayI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MrMayI]

wow!!!!

what a great weekend. everyone, i hope you're doing well. i'm here for anyone who needs me. my tank is full. batteries recharged. my new lady friend is coming over tonight. dinner and a movie. it's been a while.

[JaneDoe35]

I have been reading your posts and when I read the last couple I felt so happy for you...it gives everyone hope. Just knowing that you can feel something for someone else must be amazing. To feel that someone finds you attractive (inside & out) must be great too.

[tojaz]

wow!!!!

what a great weekend. everyone, i hope you're doing well. i'm here for anyone who needs me. my tank is full. batteries recharged. my new lady friend is coming over tonight. dinner and a movie. it's been a while.

 

Good for you MayI! You sound great! Keep us posted!:D:D:D:D:D

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

i'm not a man of cheesy sentiment. accidental sentiment, sure. i now see the seizing of moments and how it works. i knew when i looked at her, i feel interest again. there's way more out there than what i've been staring at in my self made cell. this girl doesn't have to worry about feeling like a scapegoat, or an object i'm pursuing. i don't have heart to claim singularity with anyone. however, i feel i now have enough to open up to someone else.

 

i just left the ex's house. had to take something to my DD. i can't believe how nice we're being to one another. i don't look at it as a possible window or anything of the sort. all i could think about was squeezing my little gir's neck and getting back here to start on dinner.

 

i hope this lasts a little while.

[hopesndreams]

It will last as long as you allow it to.

[MrMayI]

i have definitely taken a shift. i can't wait to pick up my DD from day care today. i've been off in my own world for a couple of days, and it's time i come back down to earth. the new lady friend left last night, and i couldn't help but think that she is a lot, a lot like my ex. that's not a bad thing, but it's very strange to me.

[MrMayI]

the new "friend" told me last night that she wants to meet my daughter. i let them talk on the phone last night, and the kid was laughing her head off. i didn't ask what they talked about, but it seemed to go well. i had to tell the friend that i don't mean to seem cross about it, but unless there are others around, it may not be a good idea to have them meet just yet. i can't have my little girl wondering just what in the hell her daddy is doing when she (and i) both still miss mommy's constant presence.

[Chrome Barracuda]

TOO SOON...TOO SOON. lol.

[MrMayI]

TOO SOON...TOO SOON. lol.

 

absolutely. especially considering i know this will crash and burn with the special friend. she's smoking though. i had to go against all odds and advice about waiting to date. when it's thrust upon you, sometimes you just have to run with it.

[Owl]

absolutely. especially considering i know this will crash and burn with the special friend. she's smoking though. i had to go against all odds and advice about waiting to date. when it's thrust upon you, sometimes you just have to run with it.

 

No, you don't.

 

That's the beauty of being a rational, thinking being.

 

Re-read what you wrote here...and think about how your wife might have well said the same thing to herself when it came to OM.

 

It IS too soon, you've already noted some warning signs, and yet you're 'running with it'?

 

YOU have control over YOU.

 

And...YOU have responsibilities to others besides yourself.

 

Things to consider, my friend.

[lupa]

No, you don't.

 

That's the beauty of being a rational, thinking being.

 

Re-read what you wrote here...and think about how your wife might have well said the same thing to herself when it came to OM.

 

It IS too soon, you've already noted some warning signs, and yet you're 'running with it'?

 

YOU have control over YOU.

 

And...YOU have responsibilities to others besides yourself.

 

Things to consider, my friend.

I can't say that I agree with you here. While it may be too soon, as long as he is honest with himself and the woman, and the whole thing feels good, what is the problem?

 

He knows the risks, and its not like he's being stupid and planning to move in with her or anything...he's just found someone that he likes, and he likes who he is when he's with her.

 

From what I've gathered about MayI, his #1 focus is his daughter, and i don't think we need to worry about him messing that up. As for everything else, if it makes him feel good, and the timing is bad, I see no problem in his pursuit of it, as long as he isn't substituting one for the other.

 

(I think I'm projecting...lol).

[MrMayI]

 

Re-read what you wrote here...and think about how your wife might have well said the same thing to herself when it came to OM.

 

It IS too soon, you've already noted some warning signs, and yet you're 'running with it'?

 

 

owl, you always make very, very valid points. however, the difference with my wife and OM is she was in a MARRIAGE when she was sneaking around with him. that's not the case anymore. i wouldn't hide this woman from the world. hell, i'd be happy to be seen with her. i just have to shelter my little girl from it. that's all. there's nothing going to happen that's going to ruin lives or hurt anyone. this woman knows exactly where my life is, today. she knows there's a part of me still there for the ex. she knows that i have no intention of any form of commitment with her. i'll have fun while it lasts, and know that i'm capable still of interacting successfully with beautiful, intelligent women. if nothing else, i can thank this woman for putting my emotions back in check.

 

He knows the risks, and its not like he's being stupid and planning to move in with her or anything...he's just found someone that he likes, and he likes who he is when he's with her.

 

From what I've gathered about MayI, his #1 focus is his daughter, and i don't think we need to worry about him messing that up. As for everything else, if it makes him feel good, and the timing is bad, I see no problem in his pursuit of it, as long as he isn't substituting one for the other.

 

(I think I'm projecting...lol).

 

this is how i'm feeling about the whole thing. you know me well. my daughter will not be hurt in any way through any of this. the pain of mommy leaving is enough for the rest of her life, as far as i'm concerned. she's been very resilient through that, and taught me the same.

[Guitarjeff]

Don't forget my friend, that if you let your wife back, you will also be giving custody of your beloved daughter up, and there have been many a spouse say they want back together, using the other spous's pain against them to get back in and then their divorce agreement is out the window, and they then can start back fresh with a custody battle. Your darling daughter is NUMBER 1!!! She is the meaning of life. You will have an absolute blast with just you and her together, going to school functions, watching her grow, imprinting your stability on her and shaping her feelings on intimacy, respect, love, and you will look back one day and be so glad you didn't do anytrhing tp screw up the possibility of raising your baby. The love and closeness you are about to experience is MIND-BOGGLING. Don't fall for no crap about now she's changed or anything because you might be falling in to a trap, then she gets a do-over where your daughter is concerned. If you could go in to the future 2 years and think with your future mind, you would say, "my god, no way on earth would I give up the little happy home I have with just my daughter and me". When you are dealing with your wife, USE YOUR FUTURE MIND to help your decision making, don't let emotional pain play any part in your decisions.