Just Hear Me Out....

[MrMayI]

we took our daughter today to drop her off for her first day of school. it was tough, but the focus stayed on her. the wife came over to help with getting her ready and all. got my little girl all cleaned up, and let her lay in my bed with her towel around her. i went to the kitchen to get her some milk, came back, and my wife was lying on her side of the bed next to my daughter on my side. i really thought i would fall apart right then and there, but i almost felt the disgust welling up inside of me again. this woman is merely the mother of my child now. i have to keep telling myself that, otherwise i will backslide and probably try bargaining in some shape or form with her again. i am having a hard time wrapping my head around the things she said yesterday. she told me that i was always very controlling, and "made" her do things she didn't want to, like family trips, staying at home and all that.

 

i now fully understand what rewriting the history of the marriage means. i believe i got to hear first hand what she has been telling all of her friends, all of which are male. she let me know that we have no friends in common. funny. my friends i told that to last night really thought otherwise. guess they don't now.

[lupa]

we took our daughter today to drop her off for her first day of school. it was tough, but the focus stayed on her. the wife came over to help with getting her ready and all. got my little girl all cleaned up, and let her lay in my bed with her towel around her. i went to the kitchen to get her some milk, came back, and my wife was lying on her side of the bed next to my daughter on my side. i really thought i would fall apart right then and there, but i almost felt the disgust welling up inside of me again. this woman is merely the mother of my child now. i have to keep telling myself that, otherwise i will backslide and probably try bargaining in some shape or form with her again. i am having a hard time wrapping my head around the things she said yesterday. she told me that i was always very controlling, and "made" her do things she didn't want to, like family trips, staying at home and all that.

 

i now fully understand what rewriting the history of the marriage means. i believe i got to hear first hand what she has been telling all of her friends, all of which are male. she let me know that we have no friends in common. funny. my friends i told that to last night really thought otherwise. guess they don't now.

I got the same thing -- I was controlling, it was never about her, always about me. For a while I would try point by point to highlight how that was wrong, and then I read ol' Homer McDonald (I even bought that book. Terribly written, but the concepts are easy enough and do give peace of mind. I'm not looking to save the marriage anymore, but he nicely illustrates the WANTS vs NEEDS idea, but i digress). Once I read him, I just stopped arguing. I even try to stop having that debate in my head, even though that is impossible most of the time.

 

My point, I think, is that you cannot attempt to understand this point of view. She HAS to make you out as the bad guy or else she will never be able to live with herself. The "fog" is a b*tch to understand, but it is starting to make sense that is what this is. A gray blob that blocks out all logic, sense, reason, understanding. Let her say those things, and agree if you want to. "I can see how you feel that way, and I'm sorry I didn't realize that you didn't want to do that" and then walk away from the convo.

 

don't try to argue it, don't try to reason your wa through it. Just take care of yourself and your kid.

 

Maybe the fog will lift one day, probably not. Just you keep on moving'.

[tojaz]

we took our daughter today to drop her off for her first day of school. it was tough, but the focus stayed on her. the wife came over to help with getting her ready and all. got my little girl all cleaned up, and let her lay in my bed with her towel around her. i went to the kitchen to get her some milk, came back, and my wife was lying on her side of the bed next to my daughter on my side. i really thought i would fall apart right then and there, but i almost felt the disgust welling up inside of me again. this woman is merely the mother of my child now. i have to keep telling myself that, otherwise i will backslide and probably try bargaining in some shape or form with her again. i am having a hard time wrapping my head around the things she said yesterday. she told me that i was always very controlling, and "made" her do things she didn't want to, like family trips, staying at home and all that.

 

i now fully understand what rewriting the history of the marriage means. i believe i got to hear first hand what she has been telling all of her friends, all of which are male. she let me know that we have no friends in common. funny. my friends i told that to last night really thought otherwise. guess they don't now.

 

Get used to it man. It gets worse. I heard the same thing, you made me get this car, house, life, etc. you always bought fun stuff while I paid the bills! Were not talking about for myself mind you, just who wrote the check. We split everything 50/50 but because she wrote the check for the garden shed and I wrote the check for the big screen shes upset, all though they cost the same and we wanted them both! It would be almost laughable if it didn't hurt so much.

 

Your first instinct is going to be to believe her! Don't you'll tear yourself up inside, start doubting your very memories. I'm living proof! :o

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

I got the same thing -- I was controlling, it was never about her, always about me. For a while I would try point by point to highlight how that was wrong, and then I read ol' Homer McDonald (I even bought that book. Terribly written, but the concepts are easy enough and do give peace of mind. I'm not looking to save the marriage anymore, but he nicely illustrates the WANTS vs NEEDS idea, but i digress). Once I read him, I just stopped arguing. I even try to stop having that debate in my head, even though that is impossible most of the time.

 

My point, I think, is that you cannot attempt to understand this point of view. She HAS to make you out as the bad guy or else she will never be able to live with herself. The "fog" is a b*tch to understand, but it is starting to make sense that is what this is. A gray blob that blocks out all logic, sense, reason, understanding. Let her say those things to her, and agree if you want to. "I can see how you feel that way, and I'm sorry I didn't realize that you didn't want to do that" and then walk away from the convo.

 

don't try to argue it, don't try to reason your wa through it. Just take care of yourself and your kid.

 

Maybe the fog will lift one day, probably not. Just you keep on moving'.

 

you're absolutely right. i have ol' homer's e-book right here in my office. i found a torrent for it, and got it for free, though. easy read, valid points.

i'm doing the best i can right now. i almost have myself convinced that i'm nothing like she says i was in the marriage, but i want to self evaluate a little so that i'm never that way again.

[Gunny376]

Wrong!

 

The lesson to learn is to be self supporting, self nurturing, self loving, self confident, self validating ~ but not to the point of being narcissistic?

 

In short?

 

Self confident in the face of any situation.

 

Hard to do, damned hard to do!

 

I know!

 

I spent eleven years learning how to do so! I recognized it for what it was ~ a weakness of soul, mind and body. And its very much a Zen experience.

 

Had I not lived in Japan for four years, I don't know if I could have made it this far?

 

Even still its very much a work in progress.

 

Which to many here may sound werid?

 

Because it goes against Western logic and thinking?

 

I've embraced Eastern logic and thinking.

[hopesndreams]

Why are you even letting her in the house when you know it's really over? Her lying on your side of the bed shows complete lack of respect for you, btw. She will always be into the mind games if you let her. She must know how it hurts you to see her lying in your bed and she doesn't seem to mind. You can both be good parents without allowing her into your place, lying on your bed, acting as though everything is cool when it just isn't.

 

What do you think she'd do if you were in her place and lying in her bed? Not that you would right? You don't seem the type to do that.

[MrMayI]

i'm really worried about what could happen with OM, or suspected OM living so close to my new place. i know for certain my wife was there saturday night. how do you keep your cool, when you know your wife could possibly be a block away ****ing another man?

[MrMayI]

 

What do you think she'd do if you were in her place and lying in her bed? Not that you would right? You don't seem the type to do that.

 

absolutely not. i don't even want to step in her house again. i feel like the wind is kicked completely out of me each time i've walked into that place. i let her in for my daughter's sake. i don't want my little girl thinking she can't see her mommy when with me.

[hopesndreams]

The only thing you can do is put it out of your mind. Don't even go there. She is living her life, you live yours. It's really time for you to let go. It's only your unconscious mind that is hanging onto those good time feelings that you have had with her. Live in the present, let go of the past, really work on that.

[MrMayI]

The only thing you can do is put it out of your mind. Don't even go there. She is living her life, you live yours. It's really time for you to let go. It's only your unconscious mind that is hanging onto those good time feelings that you have had with her. Live in the present, let go of the past, really work on that.

 

both points make absolute sense. during the day, when i'm cognizant, i don't think of her in the "get back together" sense. i wish there was a fast track to happiness again.

[hopesndreams]

Does that mean you will continue to let her into your house, and the new house that you will be moving into? That's a shame, coz this new place could be a fresh start for you and your daughter and once she is allowed in, it taints the place. IMO anyways, everyone is different. If you could handle it fine, but doesn't seem like you can but could be wrong about that, only you know for sure.

[hopesndreams]

If there were a fast track to happiness I would buy it at whatever cost. But, there are things you can do to speed along the process. The thing that has been working for me best is NC. I know you can't do that for obvious reasons, your daughter. But, including your W in the day to day living of your life should be out of bounds.

[MrMayI]

Does that mean you will continue to let her into your house, and the new house that you will be moving into? That's a shame, coz this new place could be a fresh start for you and your daughter and once she is allowed in, it taints the place. IMO anyways, everyone is different. If you could handle it fine, but doesn't seem like you can but could be wrong about that, only you know for sure.

 

i had to show her where the new place is, solely so she would know where it is for our daughter. my house now is where we lived together. i have some sort of recollective memory on a daily basis from where she lived there. i'm doing everything i can to sort it out, block it out, and move on. i'm about to have to fast track this divorce.

[tojaz]

i'm really worried about what could happen with OM, or suspected OM living so close to my new place. i know for certain my wife was there saturday night. how do you keep your cool, when you know your wife could possibly be a block away ****ing another man?

What difference does it make if it's a block away or an ocean away? BETRAYAL IS BETRAYAL!!

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Once you move all your furnishings into the new house and make the place your own, don't let her set foot in it. It can be a wife free zone and therefore, the place will have no memory of her being in it. That would be a big step in moving on. Where you are now does have the constant reminders so don't let this new place have the same reminders. Once she gets in the door of your new place after you have set everything up, she goes through everything, touches stuff and knows how you are living. Have her wait on the doorstep, the porch, the car when she picks up the child. It really will make a big difference in your life if you do that. You want your daughter to see mum and dad together, and that's fine, but possibly do that in the great outdoors and only for short periods. Let's be honest here, there will come a day, perhaps soon, your daughter will meet mum's OM. How confusing for her when she thinks mum and dad will get back together when you both won't. Have your daughter find out things aren't all peachy and happy when she realizes mum isn't setting foot in the new house you had got for you and her. I know that sounds a bit cruel but kids aren't stupid and they really don't want to live in false hope anymore than we do.

[MrMayI]

What difference does it make if it's a block away or an ocean away? BETRAYAL IS BETRAYAL!!

TOJAZ

 

i know T, but a block away makes it a lot ****ing harder to resist the urge to beat on the front door, and pummel someone in the yard.

 

Once you move all your furnishings into the new house and make the place your own, don't let her set foot in it. It can be a wife free zone and therefore, the place will have no memory of her being in it. That would be a big step in moving on. Where you are now does have the constant reminders so don't let this new place have the same reminders. Once she gets in the door of your new place after you have set everything up, she goes through everything, touches stuff and knows how you are living. Have her wait on the doorstep, the porch, the car when she picks up the child. It really will make a big difference in your life if you do that. You want your daughter to see mum and dad together, and that's fine, but possibly do that in the great outdoors and only for short periods. Let's be honest here, there will come a day, perhaps soon, your daughter will meet mum's OM. How confusing for her when she thinks mum and dad will get back together when you both won't. Have your daughter find out things aren't all peachy and happy when she realizes mum isn't setting foot in the new house you had got for you and her. I know that sounds a bit cruel but kids aren't stupid and they really don't want to live in false hope anymore than we do.

 

absolutely. she will have no influence or welcome in the new place. at all.

[tojaz]

i know T, but a block away makes it a lot ****ing harder to resist the urge to beat on the front door, and pummel someone in the yard.

Oh I feel you, remember, I had the rotten OM IN MY HANDS, not just down the block. I know what you want to do. But he didin't cause this. Hes just a parasite using it to his advantage. Guys like that get whats coming to them, you don't need to do it. It won't make you feel better anyway. Not in the long run. Your better then that!

 

Besides, distance dosen't matter much when thats really what you want to do. It was a 5 hour drive and a 5 hour bus ride home when I handled the guy in Kels thread. LOL

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

Oh I feel you, remember, I had the rotten OM IN MY HANDS, not just down the block. I know what you want to do. But he didin't cause this. Hes just a parasite using it to his advantage. Guys like that get whats coming to them, you don't need to do it. It won't make you feel better anyway. Not in the long run.

TOJAZ

 

i know you're right. plus, it's only going to hurt my daughter if he punks and presses charges on me anyway.

[tojaz]

i know you're right. plus, it's only going to hurt my daughter if he punks and presses charges on me anyway.

 

Exactly, keep on that moral high ground. Let her wallow in the mud with him.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

Exactly, keep on that moral high ground. Let her wallow in the mud with him.

TOJAZ

 

easier said than done? perhaps. just the thought of her making me out to be less of a man than i really am pisses me off. now i know it doesn't matter what a group of people i don't even know think of me, but at the same time, it does. i almost feel like some sort of laughing stock, and it eats at me.

[lupa]

easier said than done? perhaps. just the thought of her making me out to be less of a man than i really am pisses me off. now i know it doesn't matter what a group of people i don't even know think of me, but at the same time, it does. i almost feel like some sort of laughing stock, and it eats at me.

It has been killing me wondering what she is saying to her family...just killing me.

 

I also know that it isn't true, so I have to tell myself that. Just remember that what she is saying isn't true, and if any of those people spend time with you, they would know it isn't true as well.

 

Know what I'm saying?

[MrMayI]

It has been killing me wondering what she is saying to her family...just killing me.

 

I also know that it isn't true, so I have to tell myself that. Just remember that what she is saying isn't true, and if any of those people spend time with you, they would know it isn't true as well.

 

Know what I'm saying?

 

i do know what you're saying. i also realize i haven't mentioned some key stuff that lisa may find interesting.

 

my wife turned 30 one month before the **** hit the fan. the day after her 30th b'day she was convinced that her hands and hips had become arthritic. she then had her monthly visitor, a couple of days later, and it's almost like she went into some sort of psychosis after that. she became very distant, withdrawn, and seemingly in need of something.

after reading the site lisa rec's on MLC, i realized she just may have had one, and still be in it. this is all so hard to handle.

[phineas]

we took our daughter today to drop her off for her first day of school. it was tough, but the focus stayed on her. the wife came over to help with getting her ready and all. got my little girl all cleaned up, and let her lay in my bed with her towel around her. i went to the kitchen to get her some milk, came back, and my wife was lying on her side of the bed next to my daughter on my side. i really thought i would fall apart right then and there, but i almost felt the disgust welling up inside of me again. this woman is merely the mother of my child now. i have to keep telling myself that, otherwise i will backslide and probably try bargaining in some shape or form with her again. i am having a hard time wrapping my head around the things she said yesterday. she told me that i was always very controlling, and "made" her do things she didn't want to, like family trips, staying at home and all that.

 

i now fully understand what rewriting the history of the marriage means. i believe i got to hear first hand what she has been telling all of her friends, all of which are male. she let me know that we have no friends in common. funny. my friends i told that to last night really thought otherwise. guess they don't now.

 

LOL!

Same here.

Too controlling, yet she was the one who gave me grief if I went out once a month with friends.

 

Controlling to my wife = I wouldn't let her have her affair. You can bet that you are scum of the earth when it comes to anyone she knows.

I know I was.

I was called a jerk by one of her friends recently because she told them I called up her "friend" & told him to go to hell & never contact her again.

She left out the part that I did it because I caught her sending pornographic pictures to this guy. Nut Job.

[MrMayI]

LOL!

Same here.

Too controlling, yet she was the one who gave me grief if I went out once a month with friends.

 

Controlling to my wife = I wouldn't let her have her affair. You can bet that you are scum of the earth when it comes to anyone she knows.

I know I was.

I was called a jerk by one of her friends recently because she told them I called up her "friend" & told him to go to hell & never contact her again.

She left out the part that I did it because I caught her sending pornographic pictures to this guy. Nut Job.

 

man, it really is laughable. i only became controlling when she started staying up until 3 o'clock in the morning, using our daughter as an excuse, so she could text, e-mail and talk on the phone to her co-worker that never went out of the picture. i'm not going to call and say anything to those guys. **** all of them. i am a little worried if i catch one of them out in public with her, i'm going to ****ing lose it.

[phineas]

i do know what you're saying. i also realize i haven't mentioned some key stuff that lisa may find interesting.

 

my wife turned 30 one month before the **** hit the fan. the day after her 30th b'day she was convinced that her hands and hips had become arthritic. she then had her monthly visitor, a couple of days later, and it's almost like she went into some sort of psychosis after that. she became very distant, withdrawn, and seemingly in need of something.

after reading the site lisa rec's on MLC, i realized she just may have had one, and still be in it. this is all so hard to handle.

 

Or, she thought she was pregnant from the other man & was freaking because she was late.