Just Hear Me Out....

[MrMayI]

Or, she thought she was pregnant from the other man & was freaking because she was late.

 

dear lord, man!

you gave her exactly what she deserved.

[phineas]

man, it really is laughable. i only became controlling when she started staying up until 3 o'clock in the morning, using our daughter as an excuse, so she could text, e-mail and talk on the phone to her co-worker that never went out of the picture. i'm not going to call and say anything to those guys. **** all of them. i am a little worried if i catch one of them out in public with her, i'm going to ****ing lose it.

 

Yep. She was NEVER home before she moved out.

I got sick of it.

Her coming home 3 hours after she said she'd be home & giving me lame excuses. I may not of known where she was, but I knew who she was with.

 

One of the things that really piss me off is that she thought she could get away with it. As if I was some push over or just plain stupid. screw her.

[MrMayI]

phineas, LOL, sorry, i thought you were talking about yours. nah, mine didn't think anything like that. while i'm almost certain she has something physical going now, i still say she didn't then.

[MrMayI]

Yep. She was NEVER home before she moved out.

I got sick of it.

Her coming home 3 hours after she said she'd be home & giving me lame excuses. I may not of known where she was, but I knew who she was with.

 

One of the things that really piss me off is that she thought she could get away with it. As if I was some push over or just plain stupid. screw her.

 

that's right. screw them both. funny thing is, mine never came home late, or at awkward times. she pulled all of her **** either at work, or on her off days when i wasn't around. she acted fishy on a few of those.

[Owl]

Have you talked to your lawyer?

[MrMayI]

Have you talked to your lawyer?

 

he's to call me back this afternoon. it's just time to put an end to it. i've tried all i can, and all it's done is speed up the journey to nowhere.

[Owl]

I don't think it's a journey to nowhere...nor do I think you're going to feel that way once you're a little ways down that path.

 

It's a journey towards whatever the future holds. It's moving forward, rather than sitting in one spot waiting, hoping she'll change her mind.

 

Time to take the control back into your own hands. There's no reason why she can dictate what happens in your life anymore.

[MrMayI]

I don't think it's a journey to nowhere...nor do I think you're going to feel that way once you're a little ways down that path.

 

It's a journey towards whatever the future holds. It's moving forward, rather than sitting in one spot waiting, hoping she'll change her mind.

 

Time to take the control back into your own hands. There's no reason why she can dictate what happens in your life anymore.

 

thanks owl. i really just meant the journey to nowhere with her. i'm okay with the decision that has to be made. she obviously just wants to sit on her hands until whatever it is she's trying to accomplish either happens or doesn't.

 

only hope left for her changing her mind, is i hope i have the resiliency to tell her to go **** herself if and when that does happen.

[LisaUk]

you're absolutely right. i have ol' homer's e-book right here in my office. i found a torrent for it, and got it for free, though. easy read, valid points.

i'm doing the best i can right now. i almost have myself convinced that i'm nothing like she says i was in the marriage, but i want to self evaluate a little so that i'm never that way again.

 

Do not even go there. I got the same "you have a controlling personality", something Tojaz knows only too well, as the poor guy has spent many hours upon hours talking me down because of it on PM, (thanks Toj).

 

My counsellor tells me I have serious low self esteem issues and something I came to realise is this, how can I care so much about what he thought of me, how he felt, was I making him happy and be manipulative and controlling to get my own way at the same time? Impossible.

 

Do not even go there MayI, you will do your head in only to find out that what she means is, she is unhappy unless she has her own way all of the time, regardless of your feelings. A relationship involves compromise on both parts.

 

Funny how so many of us on here have been acused of controlling by walk away or cheating spouses. All of which do not/did not want to put themselves out by trying to work things out, can't have their own way, you muct be controlling. As Tojaz pointed out to me, being controlling means you know you are delibrately manipulating your partner into doing what you want, regardless of their feelings.

[MrMayI]

Do not even go there. I got the same "you have a controlling personality", something Tojaz knows only too well, as the poor guy has spent many hours upon hours talking me down because of it on PM, (thanks Toj).

 

My counsellor tells me I have serious low self esteem issues and something I came to realise is this, how can I care so much about what he thought of me, how he felt, was I making him happy and be manipulative and controlling to get my own way at the same time? Impossible.

 

Do not even go there MayI, you will do your head in only to find out that what she means is, she is unhappy unless she has her own way all of the time, regardless of your feelings. A relationship involves compromise on both parts.

 

Funny how so many of us on here have been acused of controlling by walk away or cheating spouses. All of which do not/did not want to put themselves out by trying to work things out, can't have their own way, you muct be controlling. As Tojaz pointed out to me, being controlling means you know you are delibrately manipulating your partner into doing what you want, regardless of their feelings.

 

that is something i absolutely have never done. not once.

 

i'm having a bit of regret from the argument yesterday. i wish i'd handled myself a little better. i did a little finger pointing myself, but only in the present, or since she's left. i didn't bring up anything from the marriage part of it all. i've already told her up until the day she dropped the bomb on me, i thought the marriage was great, but rocky at the time. nothing unmanageable. i did mention yesterday that i still wish she would go to counseling with me, so maybe she can learn to look me in the eye again. i hate that. it's a true sign of a liar. looking at the ground while telling me i'm controlling. ridiculous. when i got mad and made points, i looked square at her, and asked her to look at me when i speak.

[LisaUk]

Here is the site Tojaz gave me to help me realise I was never controlling.

http://www.drirene.com/control.htm

[SRV]

that is something i absolutely have never done. not once.

 

i'm having a bit of regret from the argument yesterday. i wish i'd handled myself a little better. i did a little finger pointing myself, but only in the present, or since she's left. i didn't bring up anything from the marriage part of it all. i've already told her up until the day she dropped the bomb on me, i thought the marriage was great, but rocky at the time. nothing unmanageable. i did mention yesterday that i still wish she would go to counseling with me, so maybe she can learn to look me in the eye again. i hate that. it's a true sign of a liar. looking at the ground while telling me i'm controlling. ridiculous. when i got mad and made points, i looked square at her, and asked her to look at me when i speak.

 

 

You need to stop engaging her unless only in regards to your child. Let this be your guiding motto, "Silentium est aureum" - Silence is golden, let her wonder what you are upto and thinking.

[lupa]

Here is the site Tojaz gave me to help me realise I was never controlling.

http://www.drirene.com/control.htm

Well, if that list is true, than the only thing I ever did would be withdrawing/withholding affection when I was pissed off about something.

 

Who gives a hug when they're mad?

[MrMayI]

i'll open that link some other time. i'm in the kind of mood right now that'll have me convincing myself i've done everything on it.

[phineas]

My wife called me Musilini because I wouldn't allow her to talk to OM.

She claimed I couldn't tell her who she could be friends with & told all her family & friends I was trying to control her in this aspect.

 

The amazing thing was she had been sleeping with him & was going to sleep with him again come hell or high water & it took her moving out & getting out from under my rule in order to do it.

 

but I was the jerk?

 

Pathetic really. If she truely felt she was "justified" in her affair she wouldn't still be keeping her affair & our impending divorce a secret from all her friends I work with.

 

I believe she is waiting for me to tell them so she can accuse me of being vindictive. LOL!

 

I personally can really care less.

If they ask me how she is i'll tell them to call her & ask her themselves & leave it at that.

 

I really don't care anymore about the tall tales she's spread of the ultimate suckyness as a husband because nobody & I mean nobody (other than another cheater) will look at her & think she was in the right for doing what she did.

 

She didn't meet somebody, she went to a dating site LOOKING for somebody. apparantly anybody. That's messed up.

 

I'm fired up again.

I went to my cousins wedding over the weekend & EVERYONE was there asking about my wife. After about the 10th time of telling someone I caught her cheating, were getting a divorce.

 

I had to leave.

 

It was the same questions over & over.

Q: What about councling?

A: Tried that. she was cheating on me during counceling.

 

That got me the WTF?!?! look.

 

I understand people are all about saving the marriage at all costs, but I believe I did EVERYTHING I possibly could.

 

I just told them I could never trust her again & they finally got it.

[lupa]

i'll open that link some other time. i'm in the kind of mood right now that'll have me convincing myself i've done everything on it.

Bullsh*t. You have to be a really aggressive person to have more than like a couple of those traits. From what you post here, and of course you could only give us one side, you don't seem like it.

[LisaUk]

Well, if that list is true, than the only thing I ever did would be withdrawing/withholding affection when I was pissed off about something.

 

Who gives a hug when they're mad?

 

Yes but in all liklihood that was b/c you didn't want to be near her, not b/c you were trying to control her!

 

We are all guilty of manipulation to some degree at some time, for example I gave the silent treatment OCASIONALLY when I was p****ed. Others, particulary women, shed a tear just at the right moment. Being controlling means being controlling delibrately, not just when you have/are having an argument, but most of the time, b/c you want everything your own way, you want them to be and act how you want regardless of how they feel.

 

MayI, don't worry about opening that link, you are only worried b/c of what your w has you thinking, once you read it I would be highly surprised if you were ever like this, you don't come across this way at all.

[MrMayI]

Bullsh*t. You have to be a really aggressive person to have more than like a couple of those traits. From what you post here, and of course you could only give us one side, you don't seem like it.

 

i do my best. in my early to mid 20's i got into a lot of fights. i was a bartender, and frequented bars all over the town i met my wife in. she loved that i was aggressive in that respect. i had a really bitchy girlfriend at the time. she loved to start **** with men just to watch me and my friends get into a ruckus.

 

that's not the kind of aggressive we are talking about here. i'm not aggressive. i did what you did with your wife. if i was upset with her about something, i'd withdraw myself from the situation and essentially try to avoid/ignore her. she apparently stewed about those things rather than tell me. i thought at the time that maybe it was for the best, since our child was ALWAYS with us.

 

yesterday, she told me the only thing that's bothering her about all of this is she's not getting as much time with our daughter since she left. WELL GUESS WHAT!!! YOU PACKED YOUR **** AND ****ING LEFT!!! NOTHING FOR OUR DAUGHTER WENT WITH YOU, DID IT???!!!??? YOU CAN'T CARE TOO ****ING MUCH! PUT ON A SHOW FOR YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS!!! ACT LIKE SUPERMOM ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!! A COURTROOM WILL EAT YOU ALIVE FOR ABANDONING YOUR FAMILY!!!!

[2.50 a gallon]

MrMayI / Phineas / lupa

 

This is the same bs I heard 30 years ago, and probably 30 years before that

 

You are being played / controled. As I told Lisa a couple of nights ago, you are playing her game by her rules, and you don't even know the rules. Then when you figure one of them out, she will change it again. It is a no-win situration.

 

For now the best you can do is to quit playing the game, and it can be hard as you are fighting two players, her and your feelings for her. Actually the hardest is part is when she decides she wants to come back

 

About the only way you can change the rules is to find someone else, and then the new game is call, "She's F'n my husband", but those who have kids cannot play that new game at this time, as the kids come first.

[tojaz]

Wow MAYI, busy day yesterday, let me catch up!

easier said than done? perhaps. just the thought of her making me out to be less of a man than i really am pisses me off. now i know it doesn't matter what a group of people i don't even know think of me, but at the same time, it does. i almost feel like some sort of laughing stock, and it eats at me.

I know what you mean, every time I was with my wife and saw one of her friends, it was like they were watching a child get kidnapped. I still don't know what was said. Best as i can say MayI is the truth will come out with time. SHes hiding behind you to disguise her new personality. Once your gone she can't hide anymore and others will see her for what she has become. And you will get a reprieve. You may never see this happen, but it will.

Do not even go there. I got the same "you have a controlling personality", something Tojaz knows only too well, as the poor guy has spent many hours upon hours talking me down because of it on PM, (thanks Toj).

I am not a poor guy Lisa, Nothing forces me to talk to you, I volunteered! Besides as I have stated many times, you have helped me every bit as much as I have helped you. (Your welcome)

 

 

 

 

My wife called me Musilini because I wouldn't allow her to talk to OM.

She claimed I couldn't tell her who she could be friends with & told all her family & friends I was trying to control her in this aspect.

 

The amazing thing was she had been sleeping with him & was going to sleep with him again come hell or high water & it took her moving out & getting out from under my rule in order to do it.

 

but I was the jerk?

 

Pathetic really. If she truely felt she was "justified" in her affair she wouldn't still be keeping her affair & our impending divorce a secret from all her friends I work with.

 

I believe she is waiting for me to tell them so she can accuse me of being vindictive. LOL!

 

I personally can really care less.

If they ask me how she is i'll tell them to call her & ask her themselves & leave it at that.

Sounds like my life Phineas, the fight that lead to bombdrop was over her wanting to spend the day in the city with another guy, NO, I was not invited and had expressed my displeasure of her spending time with him many times.

 

When people ask about our break up, I just tell them this "I was married and she wasn't!" Just leave it at that.

 

Bullsh*t. You have to be a really aggressive person to have more than like a couple of those traits. From what you post here, and of course you could only give us one side, you don't seem like it.

I believe we all demonstrate those traits at one time or another, thats what makes the deffinitions of controlling and emotional abuse so vague. Anyone can dig and find a time when they lost their cool or manipulated a situation to their advantage. It's in looking for a repeated pattern and the intention behind it that brings about the true definition. According to most of the things on the web, every one of us is a controlling, abusive, sack of s**t! Don think the walk aways dojn't know how to use that to their advantage.

 

Phew!!! I need a nap!

TOJAZ

[phineas]

MrMayI / Phineas / lupa

 

This is the same bs I heard 30 years ago, and probably 30 years before that

 

You are being played / controled. As I told Lisa a couple of nights ago, you are playing her game by her rules, and you don't even know the rules. Then when you figure one of them out, she will change it again. It is a no-win situration.

 

For now the best you can do is to quit playing the game, and it can be hard as you are fighting two players, her and your feelings for her. Actually the hardest is part is when she decides she wants to come back

 

About the only way you can change the rules is to find someone else, and then the new game is call, "She's F'n my husband", but those who have kids cannot play that new game at this time, as the kids come first.

 

I hear you loud and clear on this.

I actually havn't even been out on a date yet.

I'd rather spend time with my kids.

I've allready decided when I do start dating I will not be bringing them around the kids unless it looks like their sticking around.

 

At the end of the month my sister invited her hawt single 35yr old friend to the birthday party she is hosting for my kid's.

 

She told her she was invited because I asked to have her invited. If she doesn't show then I can move onto my next option. LOL!

 

Gunny - I think you are onto something with my market value being up there at age 37.

 

Can women smell the single on a man?

Maybe it's just me & my whole attitude after deciding to move past the mess my marriage became or maybe it's because i've dropped nearly 20lbs in the last few months since this nightmare began, but women have been...friendlier than usual to me.

 

At work women I barely know & never really spoke to before are striking up conversations with me out of the blue when I walk by.

 

It's something i'm not accustomed to.

I'm just friendly back then go about my business.

but still.

 

 

Tojaz - "I was married and she wasn't!" Fricken brilliant.

 

I've actually just been telling people when they ask about my wife that i'm divorceing her. when they ask why I just say "sh*t happens" & leave it at that. if they want ot know more they have her number.

I just don't want to get into the BS at work.

[MrMayI]

Wow MAYI, busy day yesterday, let me catch up!

 

I know what you mean, every time I was with my wife and saw one of her friends, it was like they were watching a child get kidnapped. I still don't know what was said. Best as i can say MayI is the truth will come out with time. SHes hiding behind you to disguise her new personality. Once your gone she can't hide anymore and others will see her for what she has become. And you will get a reprieve. You may never see this happen, but it will.

TOJAZ

 

wasn't really a busy day, T, except in my mind. last night was very restless. i just keep replaying that argument a couple days ago over and over in my mind. i already know, but i still have a hard time grasping how the woman i loved so dearly, and i thought loved me the same, can become an entirely different person, and reshape everything just to cater to her wants/desires. i've told her several times that the best way to avoid any unwanted b.s. is to just admit even a feign interest in someone else, sign the papers, and get her precious divorce so that she can move on. still to this day she will not admit to anything. i wish i could plant a chip in her head that describes an EA over and over until she finally snaps to, and realizes what i've been saying all along. although, i'm sure she already knows exactly what it is, and just doesn't care in the least. today, i am taking pro-action to get this divorce rolling. i just hope my attorney is there today.

[tojaz]

wasn't really a busy day, T, except in my mind. last night was very restless. i just keep replaying that argument a couple days ago over and over in my mind. i already know, but i still have a hard time grasping how the woman i loved so dearly, and i thought loved me the same, can become an entirely different person, and reshape everything just to cater to her wants/desires. i've told her several times that the best way to avoid any unwanted b.s. is to just admit even a feign interest in someone else, sign the papers, and get her precious divorce so that she can move on. still to this day she will not admit to anything. i wish i could plant a chip in her head that describes an EA over and over until she finally snaps to, and realizes what i've been saying all along. although, i'm sure she already knows exactly what it is, and just doesn't care in the least. today, i am taking pro-action to get this divorce rolling. i just hope my attorney is there today.

 

She will never admit to anything. PERIOD! I got the "you are no longer married" letter yesterday. I broke NC and called her, it will be the last time. Now that it's over she tells me that all the things she accused me of are false but she didn't know that a few months ago. WTF!!!! Yet divorce is still what is necessary even though she can't say way, she has all the answers but refuses to verbalize them. I won't go on and on because I'm going to make a thread when I get my head on straight. What I'm saying is, if your wating for an apology, or some validation from her, your probably going to be waiting for a long time. Know in your heart that you did it right and that is all that matters. Some people just can't give as much as others. "I was married and she wasn't" Let people draw their own conclusions.

TOJAZ

[phineas]

wasn't really a busy day, T, except in my mind. last night was very restless. i just keep replaying that argument a couple days ago over and over in my mind. i already know, but i still have a hard time grasping how the woman i loved so dearly, and i thought loved me the same, can become an entirely different person, and reshape everything just to cater to her wants/desires. i've told her several times that the best way to avoid any unwanted b.s. is to just admit even a feign interest in someone else, sign the papers, and get her precious divorce so that she can move on. still to this day she will not admit to anything. i wish i could plant a chip in her head that describes an EA over and over until she finally snaps to, and realizes what i've been saying all along. although, i'm sure she already knows exactly what it is, and just doesn't care in the least. today, i am taking pro-action to get this divorce rolling. i just hope my attorney is there today.

 

Even after OM told me he was sleeping with my wife & confronted her she would only admit to sleeping with him twice two yrs ago.

 

huh-huh. she was his GF for almost a yr. They told each other they loved each other in chat every day & talked sexually explicit to themselves & she would come home at 3 am after being out with him.

 

Yea, I believe they only did twice.

 

I don't even consider the sexual act the worst part of it all. It was the using, the manipulating, & the complete lack of respect she showed me through it all that is what I consider the worst aspect of this.

 

Yeah, I drove her into the arms of the OM. LOL!

You tell people that & see what they say when they find out you dragged it out for 2 yrs & some months.

[MrMayI]

today, i am overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness. i haven't felt it in a little while, but alas, it's back. i actually cried on my way to work this morning, and was kicking myself for that. my wife has disrespected me to the point that i feel totally defeated. i had a mutual friend of ours call me last night to say she saw my wife picking up our daughter at school yesterday, and my wife pretended not to see her 5 feet from her car waving to her. she sounded as though it made her cry and wanted an explanation from me as to how she could be like that. my wife has claimed throughout the course of our marriage that this girl is the best female friend she's ever had.

 

i just told her that i think her new friends are more important to her than either of us, and i'm sorry it has to be that way. however, i can offer no explanation why she is like this, because it has seemingly come out of nowhere to me too. i told her that because her husband and i have been consistently hanging around one another, that probably has a lot to do with it. she then told me that it's just really ****ty of her to be like that, and she will never be friends with her again. she's just too fake.