Just Hear Me Out....

[tojaz]

HaHa, got the day off today. Thats why I've been on so much.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

this morning it's really starting to sink in. i'm all alone. i have to go pick up the kid in a couple of hours, but the silence is deafening. i know my little girl is going to have a lot of questions and confusion today.

last night the three of us met up for milkshakes, and everything is changing, rapidly. i see what everyone says is actually true. my wife is gone. maybe not for good, but for now she is.

she's pointed out that we were getting along so well before she left, but i don't even know how to talk to her right now. i really didn't want to go NC/LC with her, but i'm going to have to. i bit my lip for my little girl, but the questions were brewing inside of me. i felt like a tea kettle ready to be taken from the stove. there are no answers right now, and i know that.

ideally, we'll gradually build back our communication, and turn that into positivity and then start working to fix our problems. we're supposed to go on our first planned date 3 weeks from today, but i don't see it happening.

[tojaz]

this morning it's really starting to sink in. i'm all alone. i have to go pick up the kid in a couple of hours, but the silence is deafening. i know my little girl is going to have a lot of questions and confusion today.

last night the three of us met up for milkshakes, and everything is changing, rapidly. i see what everyone says is actually true. my wife is gone. maybe not for good, but for now she is.

she's pointed out that we were getting along so well before she left, but i don't even know how to talk to her right now. i really didn't want to go NC/LC with her, but i'm going to have to. i bit my lip for my little girl, but the questions were brewing inside of me. i felt like a tea kettle ready to be taken from the stove. there are no answers right now, and i know that.

ideally, we'll gradually build back our communication, and turn that into positivity and then start working to fix our problems. we're supposed to go on our first planned date 3 weeks from today, but i don't see it happening.

 

Thats whats called a goal my friend. Just keep working toward it. You have ?? yo have things to say, write them down. Write her a letter. Pour it out everything yo want to say, ask and are feeling. When your done file it away. Read them when you need to, and, maybe someday when it's appropriate you can show them to her, but for now they are for you.

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

No matter who's fault it is for a separation, it takes two to make a bad marriage, so I would suggest use this time to see what part you had in the marriage.

 

For me it was all her fault, just ask people here that no my story. I was doing everything right & she wasn't doing anything. Then I started reading, found this web site, started taking some classes & boy was I wrong....

 

It is hard to look at yourself, but it sure is rewarding once you realize there are things you could do better, and yes it will make you feel a lot better down the road.

 

Nice thing she will also start to wonder what is going on, what are you up to & why are you treating her different.

 

Just a suggestion......You have the extra time now.

[tojaz]

No matter who's fault it is for a separation, it takes two to make a bad marriage, so I would suggest use this time to see what part you had in the marriage.

 

For me it was all her fault, just ask people here that no my story. I was doing everything right & she wasn't doing anything. Then I started reading, found this web site, started taking some classes & boy was I wrong....

 

It is hard to look at yourself, but it sure is rewarding once you realize there are things you could do better, and yes it will make you feel a lot better down the road.

 

Nice thing she will also start to wonder what is going on, what are you up to & why are you treating her different.

 

Just a suggestion......You have the extra time now.

 

This is so true, and regarding relationships, what ever you don't resolve now you'll carry to the next one. Something to keep in mind.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

No matter who's fault it is for a separation, it takes two to make a bad marriage, so I would suggest use this time to see what part you had in the marriage.

 

For me it was all her fault, just ask people here that no my story. I was doing everything right & she wasn't doing anything. Then I started reading, found this web site, started taking some classes & boy was I wrong....

 

It is hard to look at yourself, but it sure is rewarding once you realize there are things you could do better, and yes it will make you feel a lot better down the road.

 

Nice thing she will also start to wonder what is going on, what are you up to & why are you treating her different.

 

Just a suggestion......You have the extra time now.

 

i just want to be left alone by her. since she left, i have realized that she definitely is not the only one who needs "space". i need it to work on myself, and keeping my little girl happy as she can possibly be. she misses her mommy to pieces. i, however, don't. i realize the only thing about the silence that bothers me is it not being her sweet little voice. i'm fine now. i just wish my wife had the guts to tell the truth, for once. her mother has been calling here for 3 days straight. she hasn't even discussed any of this with her family. i am almost certain they will be very angry with her, and she knows it.

[MrMayI]

okay, i'm admittedly more stubborn than most. several awful dreams last night, followed by tons of sorrow this morning. working on breakfast for my daughter, and i just fell apart. thank goodness she didn't see.

[LisaUk]

okay, i'm admittedly more stubborn than most. several awful dreams last night, followed by tons of sorrow this morning. working on breakfast for my daughter, and i just fell apart. thank goodness she didn't see.

 

You are going to have ups and downs, that's why you don't want to make any decisions re divorce right now! Take your time, you will feel differently everyday. Stay strong.

[MrMayI]

You are going to have ups and downs, that's why you don't want to make any decisions re divorce right now! Take your time, you will feel differently everyday. Stay strong.

 

you're right. i'm seeing that. i've just felt so strongly about divorce the past few days. i haven't mentioned that my wife moved less than a mile away. she's called me every day, texted a few times, and hugs me when she's seen me. it's really hard. i know she's devoting more time to others, or particularly one other right now. the thought of it shakes me to my core. i've been so anti-social for so long, that i've subjected myself to have no one to really talk to about it, short of my mother and sister. they both adore my wife, and i don't want them to feel otherwise, just in case things really do work out. wow. it's only been 5 days.

[LisaUk]

you're right. i'm seeing that. i've just felt so strongly about divorce the past few days. i haven't mentioned that my wife moved less than a mile away. she's called me every day, texted a few times, and hugs me when she's seen me. it's really hard. i know she's devoting more time to others, or particularly one other right now. the thought of it shakes me to my core. i've been so anti-social for so long, that i've subjected myself to have no one to really talk to about it, short of my mother and sister. they both adore my wife, and i don't want them to feel otherwise, just in case things really do work out. wow. it's only been 5 days.

 

You can talk to me!

This is not the time to make huge life altering decisions, your emotions are going to be all over the place. One min angry, next hurt, next upset, next loss, next lonely, next indifferent. It's a rollercoaster. Take your time, eat well, exercise, sleep, take care of your body and mind, it's under a HUGE amount of pressure at the moment and is not functionning on top form.

[MrMayI]

i saw her again tonight. it's really getting tiresome. i don't think about it too much, but when i see her it just sets it all back into motion. i don't understand. i don't think i've actually had an inkling of a decent explanation why she really wants this to be happening. i don't even care if it's an OM or not. i just have to get my ba**s back in check. i feel no matter what, it won't be long before i put the big D in motion. it's really the only conclusion i keep coming to.

[LisaUk]

you're right. i'm seeing that. i've just felt so strongly about divorce the past few days. i haven't mentioned that my wife moved less than a mile away. she's called me every day, texted a few times, and hugs me when she's seen me. it's really hard. i know she's devoting more time to others, or particularly one other right now. the thought of it shakes me to my core. i've been so anti-social for so long, that i've subjected myself to have no one to really talk to about it, short of my mother and sister. they both adore my wife, and i don't want them to feel otherwise, just in case things really do work out. wow. it's only been 5 days.

 

Emotions differ every day! take your time.

[tojaz]

It's only been 5 days!! Not what you want to hear, but it will get harder before it gets easier. I'm coming up on 3 months and still fall apart from time to time. When the emotions have passed is the time to make a decision not now, not when your angry, or hurt, or spiteful. If my wife would have waited, we probably wouldn't be getting divorced.You'll love her one minute and hate her the next. Don't show her either, shes not going to care right now. She left, if she wants out, let her do it.

Stay strong, TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

It's only been 5 days!! Not what you want to hear, but it will get harder before it gets easier. I'm coming up on 3 months and still fall apart from time to time. When the emotions have passed is the time to make a decision not now, not when your angry, or hurt, or spiteful. If my wife would have waited, we probably wouldn't be getting divorced.You'll love her one minute and hate her the next. Don't show her either, shes not going to care right now. She left, if she wants out, let her do it.

Stay strong, TOJAZ

 

thanks.

i have seen her at least briefly every day. she hugs me every time i leave. i've only seen her because of my daughter. otherwise, right now, i wouldn't contact her at all. i have to pulll it together. my co-workers are starting to ask questions. i don't like that. i'm normally the happiest guy in the office. now, not so much.

[MrMayI]

i just don't really get it, yet, i suppose.

sure, it's only been 5 days, but she has contacted me all 5 of those days. i have not initiated any conversation. she even tells me to call her, and i don't, and she'll call or text sometime later.

i took our daughter by her house yesterday, and it literally snapped me in two. she has painted a couple of rooms, put up curtains, and has the place looking relatively nice. i know she signed a lease, and can opt out of it later, but man, that ate me up. i tried to be all while i was there, but was more like . anyway, she gave me a hug when left, complete with a pat on the back, which she's never done before, and it just felt wrong.

i told her (with a smile on my face) that this just feels so weird. she responded with "you said you didn't want to go out with me for at least a month". i said "i know. i know." then we left.

i think it's going to take me more than a month. i'm in shambles, and then fine, and then i fall apart again. i've done well not to do it in front of her, but it's getting harder. the LC/NC is near impossible when you live less than a mile from one another, and have a child together.

[MrMayI]

the wife is coming by again tonight, to take the kid to spend the night, and they're going to spend the day together tomorrow. i'm a little upset, because my sister is coming into town for the rest of the week, and she hasn't seen my daughter in almost a year. i'm sure my wife could give two s***s about my sister right now, so tomorrow may be the first actual argument of this whole separation.

i'm so heartbroken. i can't believe how well i've been handling all of this interaction. i just don't see how we'll ever be a family again.

i was thinking at work today of this time my wife, daughter, and i were walking down the street in downtown all holding hands, and some random lady asked to take a picture of us, said "so cute. 3 really is the magic number", and i just lost it. i had to go ball it out in the bathroom at work. it's getting harder by the day.

[tojaz]

The things that can set you off, best i can give is when it comes, let it come. Get it over with. If you bottle it up, it will just get worse. I must of spent 20 min staring at an empty closet today. Just got me! Theres nothin wrong with asking for a little time for your daughter to visit with your sister, I would. Just don't let it turn into an argument. If she says no, O.K just thought I'd ask, then let it go, smiling all the while. That right there will send a message.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

The things that can set you off, best i can give is when it comes, let it come. Get it over with. If you bottle it up, it will just get worse. I must of spent 20 min staring at an empty closet today. Just got me! Theres nothin wrong with asking for a little time for your daughter to visit with your sister, I would. Just don't let it turn into an argument. If she says no, O.K just thought I'd ask, then let it go, smiling all the while. That right there will send a message.

TOJAZ

 

yeah. the wife has to work early wednesday morning, so my request will be for my daughter to be back here tomorrow after i get back from the gym. she got upset yesterday because she asked if she could have her spend the night tonight, and i wasn't really happy about it. i'm trying to get her back on the school regimen, and the wife tends to let her stay up all hours of the night, and sleep til 10 in the morning. that was always a big deal when we were all here.

thanks for all the replies tojaz. i hope the best for you. from what i've read when you're strong, you're really strong, so try and get there to stay. i know you can. i'm still in the limbo of "would i, could i, should i" stuff. i feel this may be a lengthy process.

i've basically lost nothing with my wife in the day to day, short of her affection and having her with me at night. still, knowing she may never get those feelings back so we can be whole again is what's getting me.

[tojaz]

yeah. the wife has to work early wednesday morning, so my request will be for my daughter to be back here tomorrow after i get back from the gym. she got upset yesterday because she asked if she could have her spend the night tonight, and i wasn't really happy about it. i'm trying to get her back on the school regimen, and the wife tends to let her stay up all hours of the night, and sleep til 10 in the morning. that was always a big deal when we were all here.

thanks for all the replies tojaz. i hope the best for you. from what i've read when you're strong, you're really strong, so try and get there to stay. i know you can. i'm still in the limbo of "would i, could i, should i" stuff. i feel this may be a lengthy process.

i've basically lost nothing with my wife in the day to day, short of her affection and having her with me at night. still, knowing she may never get those feelings back so we can be whole again is what's getting me.

I appreciate that, I can be strong at times, but weak as a kitten at others, comes with the territory. I get the most strength from this site to be honest. I learn the most from trying to help others. When your on the outside looking in things are much clearer.

 

The what if's will probably never fade, when they crop up, come here and ask. Theres a lot of knowledge floating around here. TIY, Gunny, Chrome all bring a lot of experience to the table. Do some reading, the books not only share advice and tactics, but they can give you hope and a little relief at times. I may have already suggested it, but check out "GETTING BACK TOGETHER" by Betty Youngs and Masa Goetz. Lots of good ideas.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

well, her brother has contacted me from across the country by text. he says he doesn't know what the problem is or what kind of counseling i need, but i had better fix this s**t. he says he plans on always having me as a brother in law. while i was very grateful for him saying that, i couldn't help but wonder if she told her family this is all my fault. maybe i'm just picking apart him saying "counseling I need". oh, i just don't know.

the text also gave me hope that she's made out to her family that this is "fixable". i'm learning a lot about jealousy, and tojaz i ordered "getting back together" this morning. should be here by monday, i hope. i'm printing off every viable article on jealousy i can find, so that i have plenty to discuss with the counselor. i'm going to have to go somewhere else though. i'm not too fond of the guy i saw last week.

[tojaz]

I would count on her making it all your fault. In her mind it is. The fact that her brother contacted you might be a good sign though. That he wants the marriage to work. If you feel comfortable, maybe he could shed some light on things for you. Don't expect an ally though, it's HER brother. I hope the book works for you, I found it too late, but still took a lot of comfort in reading it. Let us know what you think.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

picking it apart some more, i realize that in him saying for me to fix it, that she has likely blamed it all on me, but put out there that it is fixable. i'm going to do all i can. i've filled about 20 pages in my steno-pad with notes on jealousy, it's causes, and ways to stop and prevent it. i'm more of a studier than a reader, so i'm going to be studying daily on improving myself for a while. it hasn't been too long, i don't think.

i'm finding my research both online and in psych books at the library has so far been more fruitful than actually talking to a counselor. of course, there's more issues for me to get into than just jealousy, so i'll try and pinpoint those as well.

[tojaz]

Don't be too focused in finding fault. During this whole ordeal, my wife accused me of everything but shooting JFK. I bought it all hook line and sinker. Some was true of course, and I'm digging in to that. Just remember that you don't necessarily own everything she puts out there. Take whats yours but leave the rest.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

picking it apart some more, i realize that in him saying for me to fix it, that she has likely blamed it all on me, but put out there that it is fixable. i'm going to do all i can. i've filled about 20 pages in my steno-pad with notes on jealousy, it's causes, and ways to stop and prevent it. i'm more of a studier than a reader, so i'm going to be studying daily on improving myself for a while. it hasn't been too long, i don't think.

i'm finding my research both online and in psych books at the library has so far been more fruitful than actually talking to a counselor. of course, there's more issues for me to get into than just jealousy, so i'll try and pinpoint those as well.

 

Well, you are certainly making the effort! Think you got it spot on about the brother in law. Sounds positive!

[TrustInYourself]

yeah. the wife has to work early wednesday morning, so my request will be for my daughter to be back here tomorrow after i get back from the gym. she got upset yesterday because she asked if she could have her spend the night tonight, and i wasn't really happy about it. i'm trying to get her back on the school regimen, and the wife tends to let her stay up all hours of the night, and sleep til 10 in the morning. that was always a big deal when we were all here.

thanks for all the replies tojaz. i hope the best for you. from what i've read when you're strong, you're really strong, so try and get there to stay. i know you can. i'm still in the limbo of "would i, could i, should i" stuff. i feel this may be a lengthy process.

i've basically lost nothing with my wife in the day to day, short of her affection and having her with me at night. still, knowing she may never get those feelings back so we can be whole again is what's getting me.

 

50% of people have no clue on how to be married. That's why after seven years, 50% are divorced.

 

You want to know what to do? Get educated. Read books. Explore and base your actions and behavior on results.