Need input .. am I crazy?

[builderbob]

OK so here is the deal. I am seeing this girl for about a year now. She is absolutely awesome, she makes me happy, we laugh, we have great sex an a lot in common. I really have strong feelings for her and she does for me as well. The problem that I personally have is about the "dreaded" jealousy and insecurities on my part...at least I think that's what it is.

 

I read many threads about this issue and decided to post something about my problem and what I think.

 

Basically, it bothers me when I see her checking out other guys, or even say that "oh this person is hot" and things like that. She does it in front of me. I even recently got a little upset when we were talking about something and all of the sudden there was someone on TV that stroked her eye and she just glued her eyes to the TV while we had a conversation...I didn't say anything about it and I KNOW it's crazy. I was never like that in my life and even at the beginning of our relationship. It's just recently all this stuff is building up in me and it really starts to bother me.

 

I talked to her about it and told her that it bothers me, but it just always turns into big argument and makes me look like a total ass. I explain to her the way I think about this and what my point of view is, and I tell her that when I am with someone, out of respect for that person, I wouldn't stop a conversation and glue my eyes to the TV just because there is someone hot on it. I asked her how would she feel if I did the same thing and she said she wouldn't care. I told her that we just think different about this issue and that if there was something that would bother her about me that I couldn't understand, I would make best attempt to care about her feelings even if I didn't understand why she was bothered.

 

Now, this is not about her running away with someone, or having sex with these people or anything like that, in my eyes. The way I think is that I would like to be "THE ONE" for her, who she pays attention to...I know I am not the hottest guy out there. There are hot guys out there, actors, movie stars, etc...and I know that there is lots of hot women out there, acresses, etc.. but I never ever say that someone is hot when I am with her, or just totally lose the focus on her for few seconds just because someone hot shows up on tv.

 

I know this is so hard to explain. I am trying my best. It's not about me thinking that she is cheating on me or whatever. It's not that at all. I know her and trust her (or maybe I just think that I trust her)..

 

This is becoming big and only issue that we have and it's not a first time we had a not so nice conversation about this. She can't understand why it would bother me, and I can't explain it to her so she understands.

 

I wouldn't care so much if she just didn't do it in front of me and care about my feelings a little bit, as strange as it might sound for her.

 

Or am I just being crazy insecure jealous person about this?

 

It's a same thing with her going out with her friends for few drinks. She is pretty attractive and has guys coming up to her... which is nice...but what bothers me about that is that I think she is little too friendly with them, meaning, she is chit chatting, just talking or whatever.. but at the same time, wth is she suppose to do? not talk to other sex people?

 

This is crazy and it's really driving me nuts.

 

How can I fix this? I know I know "At the end of the day, she is coming back home to you." All this is valid, but I am still bothered. Maybe more so about her sounding like she is just not letting up on this and holding on to this issue even that I tell her it's bothering me.

 

Help? How can I deal with this? Lately I been just thinking about ending this relationship because when we talk about it, we just run in circles.

[lora22]

Personally, yes, I think you're crazy. If my bf was constantly giving me a hard time because I thought someone I was never going to meet was cute, or because guys in bars came up to talk to me (she can't control their actions, and as long as she's not playing like she's single, or flirting with them, what's the big deal if she meets new people?) I would be furious, and would eventually break up with you if it didn't stop. That kind of jealousy is so unattractive and so annoying.

 

I don't think it's crazy of you to be upset that she blew off your feelings. Drooling over the tv and ignoring a conversation with you when someone attractive comes on (if that's really how it happened) is over the top on her part, and if you tell her that you think it's a little disrespectful or hurts your feelings, well, she doesn't have to be that obvious or do it in front of you.

 

So, if you trust your gf, and you have OK self-esteem (do you really??), then why do these things bother you so much? I feel like there must be more to the story, or you're looking for a way out or something...

[DL3]

builderbob my man, I feel you. Here are my thoughts on your questions/concerns:

 

1. ' I asked her how would she feel if I did the same thing and she said she wouldn't care." -> Well to her this particular thing is not a big issue, but surely there's something that she's hiding that bothers her but to you it's not a big issue. It's not coming to your mind at the moment, because perhaps it's not a big issue to you. Observe, find it out, then you can push her to the limit if you like.

 

Then by using an analogy this will help you with "She can't understand why it would bother me, and I can't explain it to her so she understands. "

 

2. Or am I just being crazy insecure jealous person about this? -> Just because to her it's not a big issue, it does not necessarily mean it's not a big issue. You shouldn't need to be validated by her to determine if you're crazy or not.

 

3. "but what bothers me about that is that I think she is little too friendly with them, meaning, she is chit chatting," -> She enjoys stroking her ego and she wants to remind you that she's a bombshell. Depending on how corrupt she is, she could be trying to get you whipped so you think she could run off any time with another guy. But for now, she probably wont, because she doesn't know for sure if she can whip the other guy. For now, all she knows is she can have you whipped.

 

4. How can I fix this? -> Either try step 1. If you can't, then seriously confront her, and tell her it's not the point if she doesn't fully understand your concern, what matters is that she respects it.

 

Example: My gf doesn't like mushrooms on her pizza. At first said "are you crazy? I love mushrooms!" I still don't get why doesn't like mushrooms on her pizza, but the point is, I respect it and I sacrifice my mushrooms for her, because she's worth more than a pizza with mushrooms.

 

If either/both tactics above fail...then she's probably not worth it man. Let me know what you think.

[Gus]

I don't think you're crazy, just very insecure. Your comment that "she makes me happy" is a red flag. You aren't happy with yourself - until you can be secure and happy with yourself, no relationship will work.

 

I also find it odd that this girl doesn't care about your feelings to the point that she doesn't even try to understand how you feel and why. Listening and discussing is an important issue in a successful relationship. The fact that she doesn't sound like she much cares to listen, discuss and help you with your issues (and continues to do what really bothers you) and the fact that you HAVE this insecurity just doesn't sound like this relationship is worth sticking with.

[You'reasian]

Nothing wrong with finding others attractive while still in a relationship, just as long as you don't act on it - its not a big deal. Put it into perspective, you probably look at an attractive female, get animated and aroused - its all good.

 

the girl I'm seeing has her favorite actors she drools over and I tease her about it all the time and usually turn it into an excuse to flirt...

 

 

next thing you know, she's molesting me

[builderbob]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I know it's crazy and it is driving me crazy (me getting upset about this stuff) I really want to get over it and not let this be an issue. It's not a first time we talked about it and everytime we do, it's always same outcome.

 

The TV thing happened just as I said it did. We were talking and I was looking at her and she glanced at TV and there was this guy on it. I really didn't even catch who it was but I just saw her face change totally like she seen a ghost or something. Then she said "WOW who is that?".. I didn't say anything, and it really didn't bother me that much at THAT time, but once I started to think about it more and more, it kind of made me feel weird. I mentioned it to her few hours later and asked her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. She said, as she always says...that she wouldn't care about it and if I seen someone on TV and said the person is hot she would probably acknowledge it!

 

But that is not the REAL point of the whole thing for me. What my point is, that when I tell her about how I feel and that it bothers me, she just says "I don't understand it! I dont' get it! What do you want me to do? Not be myself?" things like that.....I just can't explain it to her how it feels. I told her, if there was something that bothered her about me, and I didn't undestand why, regardless, I wouldn't be hung up about it and I would try to respect her feelings and change or at least comprimise. I mean, am I wrong about it?

 

Believe it or not, I am getting better about the things in first part of my original post, as I get to know her more and more.

 

I know behavior like this (mine) can and will ruin great relationships. I am really trying to deal with this. I don't want to push her away because she is a great girl, but at the same time...it bothers me

 

I came to the realization that I can either deal with it and keep my mouth shut, let her go because I might not be able to deal with it or just seek help inside myself.

[builderbob]

Nothing wrong with finding others attractive while still in a relationship, just as long as you don't act on it - its not a big deal. Put it into perspective, you probably look at an attractive female, get animated and aroused - its all good.

 

the girl I'm seeing has her favorite actors she drools over and I tease her about it all the time and usually turn it into an excuse to flirt...

 

 

next thing you know, she's molesting me

 

Exactly.. I know there is nothing wrong with that and as you said... of course I think some women are attractive. It's not like she will run away with the guy on TV LOL....or I run away with some hottie on TV... I know that.

 

It's just strange to me, especially when I am alone with her and she is like a deer in a headlights when some hot guy shows up on TV. This doesn't happen a lot. It happened maybe couple times, but still...

[Gus]

A "great girl" tries to understand and help you with your issues. A "great girl" doesn't blatantly continue to do things that she knows will upset you.

 

Yes, you have issues, but don't for one minute think that she's such a "great girl" if she isn't being sensitive and trying to help you. Relationships succeed with understanding and some give and take on both sides.

[builderbob]

A "great girl" tries to understand and help you with your issues. A "great girl" doesn't blatantly continue to do things that she knows will upset you.

 

Yes, you have issues, but don't for one minute think that she's such a "great girl" if she isn't being sensitive and trying to help you. Relationships succeed with understanding and some give and take on both sides.

 

That's a good advice Gus.

 

I know I have this problem, and you know what? it would make it so much easier for me to deal with it if she just said something like " Hun, I don't understand it why you would be upset, it's nothing to it.. but it looks like it bothers you and I respect your feelings"... <---now that would be AWESOME.

 

If it's not a big deal to her why is she hanging on to this so strongly?

It's like with the mushrooms on a pizza example....it's not a big deal to me about the mushrooms... I don't get why she doesn't like mushrooms, so since it's not a big deal, hey, I can skip mushrooms to make her happy!

 

I don't get it.

 

EDIT: And everytime we have conversation about this, (about 4 times already) it always ends up with me apologizing to her next day for being stupid and for acting up on a silly thing like that.

[lora22]

I came to the realization that I can either deal with it and keep my mouth shut, let her go because I might not be able to deal with it or just seek help inside myself.

You certainly have your issues, but by just dealing with it and keeping your mouth shut, as you put it, you aren't really dealing with it, and those negative emotions and insecurity will come out in other ways, and will probably also destroy your relationship.

 

So yes, you need to work on being happy with yourself as another poster said.

 

But also YES, your gf needs to acknowledge how you feel and calmly discuss it with you, and see if there is some kind of compromise (doesn't seem that hard to NOT be obnoxious every time you see a cute guy on tv). I think I said that in my first post, but she shouldn't be so disrespectful of your feelings.

[Gus]

There are caring women and there are selfish women. Only you can determine which category yours is in. I have been both - and the reason the relationship that I'm in has worked so well for the past 2.5 years is because even tho' we might not understand why the other has certain issues, we discuss and TRY to understand what might be the root of the issues. We know that there are issues and we undertand that there are issue and now know what triggers the issues so we make ourselves aware not to set off the trigger. We don't walk on eggshells around the other, tho', we're just aware of each other and can tell if the other one is starting to get irritated and then we take a step and analyze what it is the we have done or are doing that affects the other negatively.

 

My advice to anyone in any situation is:

 

You have 3 options. Change what you can and hope it's enough, continue to do what you have been doing and continue to be miserable or get out. Sometimes it just HAS to be about you.

[builderbob]

You certainly have your issues, but by just dealing with it and keeping your mouth shut, as you put it, you aren't really dealing with it, and those negative emotions and insecurity will come out in other ways, and will probably also destroy your relationship.

 

So yes, you need to work on being happy with yourself as another poster said.

 

But also YES, your gf needs to acknowledge how you feel and calmly discuss it with you, and see if there is some kind of compromise (doesn't seem that hard to NOT be obnoxious every time you see a cute guy on tv). I think I said that in my first post, but she shouldn't be so disrespectful of your feelings.

 

Thank You Lora...

See the thing is that, if I say something like "I know you don't understand where I am coming from when it comes to this, and we think totally different about this topic, but could you at least not do this when we are together?" then she will say "...so what do you want me to do? not be myself around you?"

 

How do you respond to that???

[builderbob]

 

So yes, you need to work on being happy with yourself as another poster said.

 

 

.. and how do I even begin doing that? I was NEVER in this situation before.

[lora22]

Thank You Lora...

See the thing is that, if I say something like "I know you don't understand where I am coming from when it comes to this, and we think totally different about this topic, but could you at least not do this when we are together?" then she will say "...so what do you want me to do? not be myself around you?"

 

How do you respond to that???

 

Well saying "What do you want me to do? Not be myself around you?" is really her avoiding the real issue, don't you think? IMO it's a cop out answer to deflect any blame and make you the bad guy. So, you call her out on it. Tell her that that is not the issue; the issue is that she's doing something that makes you feel bad, and then she makes you feel worse because she blows off your feelings. Explain to her what everyone on this board is saying about respect for each other's feelings and whatnot. Maybe point out to her that many girls have a problem with their bfs checking out other girls (um, has she EVER picked up a women's interest magazine??? I mean, just as an example, there's all kinds of advice columns and articles about that very issue), and that in a relationship you just feel that it's respectful to keep those types of reactions/responses to the opposite sex to oneself.

[builderbob]

Lora, I tried. I told her that there are guys out there that don't care about that, and there are guys out there that have issues with that, like I do. There are women out there that don't care about someting like that, and there are women out there that do.

 

It all comes back at me with "So I can't be myself?!?!"... it's like a circle.

 

Yes,I know it's normal to think someone is hot and pretty or sexy or whatever. I would be weird if I didn't think certain women are not sexy and pretty. We all do that! The bigger issue becomes from this is that when I tell her that it bothers me, we get nowhere. I ALWAYS come out as a bad guy when we talk about it. She would say something like "You are really bad when it comes to this...I had never had this in my previous relationships".. well.. I never had THIS in MY previous relationship either! That's why it's so hard for me to deal with it and I am really trying!

 

It makes me look like a total possessive, obsessed person that is super insecure about themself and have some serious jealousy issues. That is how I feel and I NEVER felt like that before. Funny thing is, when she goes out, I never ask her like a maniac who she talked to, what did she do, where she went, who she went out with.. when she goes out. I trust her!!

[lora22]

.. and how do I even begin doing that? I was NEVER in this situation before.

 

There's lots of stuff you can do. One way to start might be to become more self-aware and figure out what you're unhappy about or what you don't like about yourself, and WHY you feel that way.

 

Read self-help books.

 

Don't criticize other people; instead look for their good qualities. Looking for faults and failures in others is usually only a way of covering up our own insecurities. Just live your life the best way you can.

 

Be positive - do nice things for other people, even if it's just a nice, SINCERE compliment. Try to surround yourself with other positive people, and positive thoughts (that sounds so corny, but I once had a friend who was so down about herself, about life, about everyone around her and just every THING in general, and I didn't even realize how it was affecting me. Eventually realized how unhappy I was with myself when I was around her and how much I disliked the person I was turning into so I cut her out of my life - huge change for me for the better).

 

Going back to becoming more self-aware - what are your strengths, the things you're good at? Maybe you're talented at a particular hobby, maybe you're a good student, a good friend, a good cook, whatever. Figure that out, try to do it more, and be PROUD of it.

 

 

Get a hobby. Having a hobby or interest makes you a more interesting, independent and fulfilled person, and you'll probably make new friends in the process

 

I think once you're happy with yourself some of these other things won't matter.

[lora22]

Your gf's denial of your feelings is damaging your relationship with her:

 

It's normal for people in a relationship to have different feelings about some things. You have brought these different feelings into the open, but nothing has changed. You and your gf have argued about this, and still have different feelings over the issue. Again, that's fine, but she is not respecting your feelings.

 

Make it clear to your gf that you're not trying to change her feelings about this particular issue. A person feels what s/he feels, and being told that it is wrong to feel that way doesn't do much to change it. Same goes for telling yourself that - I already said it, but I'll say it again, don't do that.

 

So, it is a fact that an ongoing relationship has numerous goals that sometimes are mutually exclusive, but that's OK as long as each person realizes that it is important to respect the other's feelings. If the two of you just write each other off that only makes the situation worse. This is what's happening in your relationship, and what your gf doesn't understand.

 

If she just doesn't get it, maybe she's not the right girl for you.

[lostsunsets]

BB, If she does and says these things, she's just not that into you. I would not put up with it. But then that's the type of guy I am. Do not marry her, she is just not that committed. Good luck.

[You'reasian]

Lora, I tried. I told her that there are guys out there that don't care about that, and there are guys out there that have issues with that, like I do. There are women out there that don't care about someting like that, and there are women out there that do.

 

It all comes back at me with "So I can't be myself?!?!"... it's like a circle.

 

I ALWAYS come out as a bad guy when we talk about it. She would say something like "You are really bad when it comes to this...I had never had this in my previous relationships".. well.. I never had THIS in MY previous relationship either! That's why it's so hard for me to deal with it and I am really trying!

 

It makes me look like a total possessive, obsessed person that is super insecure about themself and have some serious jealousy issues. That is how I feel and I NEVER felt like that before. Funny thing is, when she goes out, I never ask her like a maniac who she talked to, what did she do, where she went, who she went out with.. when she goes out. I trust her!!

 

Just let it go.

 

When she gets that erotic stare in her face, that's the perfect time to swoop in because she's turned on!

 

And there's nothing wrong with letting loose yourself and appreciating a smokin' hott woman on T.V.

 

If she's smart, she'll do the same thing and tease you about it.

 

If she gets angry or frustrated with you enjoying the appearance of a beautiful woman, ignore her - if she can't deal with a reflection of her own actions, she's not someone you want to be with anyways (atleast in the long-term).

[samspade]

Bob,

 

Your insecurities are going to be your undoing.

 

Your girlfriend is going to find other men (and possibly women) attractive for the rest of her life. She will also be hit on for most of her life. But she wants to be with you, so as long as she is not crossing any lines (flirting with other guys, for instance), you need to accept that she has a vagina and a pulse.

 

Now, she may be pushing your buttons a little bit, without even consciously realizing why. Some people will say that THIS is disrespectful, but the truth is, in this case she is simply being a woman. She's testing you to see how you will react, and every time you show insecurity, it takes you down a notch in her mind. Keep it up, and you will drive her right into the arms of one of those hotties she has heretofore only been checking out.

 

Remember, her feelings for you are based on her interest level in you. Imagine her interest in you as a cup of water. Right now you are almost at a full cup with her. Well, every time you act jealous, or insecure, or weak in her eyes, you knock the glass and a little water spills out. And a little more. And some more. Pretty soon, there's only a half an inch left - her interest in you is diminished to the point where she is only keeping you around while she figures out the best way to let you go.

 

You sound as though you realize most of this, but you can't let it go. Honestly, I think you have two options. You can break up with her, or you can play along. By play along, I mean the next time she sees a hot guy on tv and makes a remark, agree with her. Better yet, ask her what she likes about him - his ass? his abs? You need to diffuse these little tests, to show that you not only don't care that your gf finds some random guy attractive, but you're cool with it. And as You're Asian said, use it to your advantage - get her blood flowing and sex her up. Consider the TV the modern version of a romance novel - it's doing half your job for you.

 

If your gf really is disrespecting you, yeah, you call her on it. What you're describing is a) her being human, and b) her giving you a minor sh*t test. Whatever women you date, you're going to be tested in little ways, so cultivate your inner Buddha and stay cool.

[builderbob]

Good stuff... good stuff...

[Dexter Morgan]

OK so here is the deal. I am seeing this girl for about a year now. She is absolutely awesome, she makes me happy, we laugh, we have great sex an a lot in common. I really have strong feelings for her and she does for me as well. The problem that I personally have is about the "dreaded" jealousy and insecurities on my part...at least I think that's what it is.

 

I read many threads about this issue and decided to post something about my problem and what I think.

 

Basically, it bothers me when I see her checking out other guys, or even say that "oh this person is hot" and things like that. She does it in front of me.

 

people who constantly check out other people don't have a good track record of being faithful, especially if she feels the need to tell you how hot they are.

 

Why do people do that and shove someone elses "hotness" in their face.

 

Maybe you should tell her, "then go get with him then and quit wasting my time".

 

 

I talked to her about it and told her that it bothers me, but it just always turns into big argument and makes me look like a total ass.

 

then break up with her...because if you are telling her it bothers you and voicing your concerns to her and she ends up getting mad and arguing you over it, then she doesn't give a crap about your feelings.

 

 

I explain to her the way I think about this and what my point of view is, and I tell her that when I am with someone, out of respect for that person, I wouldn't stop a conversation and glue my eyes to the TV just because there is someone hot on it. I asked her how would she feel if I did the same thing and she said she wouldn't care.

 

of course she is going to say she wouldn't care....she doesn't care about you. she is going to also say that because she is a serial gawker.

 

I'd say this is an undesirable quality to want in a companion and you would do well to move on.

 

Its one thing to notice other people, its quite another to do it all the time, break your neck to check someone else out, and shove it in your SO's face.

 

 

I wouldn't care so much if she just didn't do it in front of me and care about my feelings a little bit, as strange as it might sound for her.

 

Or am I just being crazy insecure jealous person about this?

 

no...she is shoving this in your face. she is making you feel uncomfortable and doesn't care.

 

 

How can I fix this?

 

get a different girlfriend

[builderbob]

So let's take it a little deeper then.

 

Why is it "OK" for someone to do this exact thing when their bf/gf is not with them, but it's not when two people are together somewhere? Looks like that "quality" of character is there, but the only difference is they do it behind their bf's/gf's back....

 

You know, everytime I talk about it (and this is really the ONLY subject we get into heated conversations about) I get:

 

"I am sorry that I am not perfect"

"What do you want me to do? Watch my every move when I am with you?"

"What do you think I will do? Run away with that person?"

"You have a serious issue with insecurity"

"This is getting old QUICK"

"Did I ever give you any reason to think that I would do something?"

"If I would see hot woman, I would totally acknowledge that she is hot! I wouldn't care!"

 

Now, here is my point. IT IS NOT ABOUT HER DOING SOMETHING WITH ANYONE. I keep saying this until I am blue in my face. I say, it's about RESPECT for other person's feelings!

 

I am getting frustrated every time I think about this now. I am not sure how I will be able to deal with this. Everything else is PERFECT. Just this thing that really bothers me to the point that I think it's not worth it anymore to deal with it and that I just don't need it. I had NEVER had to deal with this in my previous relationships (meaning, my ex-girlfriends were never like that).. her on the other hand, never had to deal with someone complaining about something like this in HER previous relationships.

[samspade]

Look - if it's not okay with you, then it's not okay.

 

And I'll agree with Dexter that she is showing disrespect by continuing to do this despite your protests.

 

That's not meant to contradict my earlier post about button-pushing and being cool. So I'll amend it - if you're not "cool" with it, you should still be cool about it. Tell her firmly you don't appreciate it and would prefer she keep it to herself, and leave it at that. If she argues, change the subject - don't waste your time arguing with a woman (you will lose even when you're right).

 

If after that, she continues doing it, break up with her. She's not right for you, and she's going against your wishes. It's disrespectful.

 

Just keep in mind what I told you about acting insecure vs. acting calm.

[builderbob]

Yeah I know about acting cool. I am pretty confident that I do. I am not type of a person to throw a fit over things. I rather talk calm and express my feelings.