The rest of MY STORY (also long)

[tojaz]

Well, for the handful of folks who have been following my other thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/ Here is her side of the story as I see it. I must admit that I was not all that clear when I first posted here. LS helped me discover a lot of this., so heres my take.

 

My wife, feels that she has lost her self in this relationship. She has become so wrapped up in being my wife, that she feels she has lost her own identity. I do not feel that this is far from the truth, and I did not fail to notice this as it happened over the years.

 

It began by just deferring to my decisions, what ever they may be. It got to a point where she could not even express what she would like for dinner or an activity for the weekend. It got to a point, that I would push her to make a decision, just so I didn't feel like I was forcing things on her. That is a terrible feeling to wonder if your spouse is actually enjoying your company or just feels compelled to do as you ask. I had always wanted a partnership, 50/50. I did my best to include her in any decision that would effect us both. To accept whatever input she was willing to give. This was few and far between. She said that it had gotten so bad, that she often had no opinion and just waited for me to share mine so she could agree with it. She would push her own interests aside in the belief that I would find them unacceptable, or would assume that because I wasn't interested she was not free to pursue them alone. Now that she is on her own, she shares what she is doing with me. She has goals to run a marathon, she goes camping, all things I would have been more then happy to share/support her in. If she only had been willing to share them with me. She spends time with her friends, something else she didn't do much of. She said she always felt she had to be home with me. Although when she was, she was usually preoccupied with something else.

 

She is very dedicated to her work. She is a college professor with a long list of accomplishments for someone so young. Unfortunately this dedication usually meant that any time we spent together also involved her laptop and some work related duty. This was very hard for me, to feel that I pretty much had to schedule or beg for time to be with her, and I would be very upset to see the attention she gave that computer only to find out I had been talking to myself for an hour. I truly felt neglected at times. Like I was just getting in the way of her "true love" her career. I really felt like I didn't mean much to her and would push for attention when I needed it. I was usually either briefly humored or snubbed all together. I would push for more time together when time wasn't really what I was after, it was quality, of the time I had.

 

For my part, I must admit that i took her for granted. She worked from home and did all the housework, cooking etc. I would offer to help, but she did the chores when I was away at work, when i was not available. Taking care of the house on my own for the last two months has really shown me how much she actually did for me, and I truly wish she would have taken my assistance. I had a bad habit of criticizing her unjustly. Once again, it wasn't until now that I fully recognized that. It was no fault of her own really, I believe that I just carried my bad days home with me and would let little pet peeves turn into much more then they are. An unhealthy and unfair way of releasing stress again.

 

My other thread pretty much sums up how everything came to it's end. These are things that I have discovered after the fact, the pattern that led up to it I guess. Even now, I hope she will come back to me although that seems to be very unlikely. I truly love her more then anything, and In realizing where we went wrong, all I can see is ways to make it right. Things that i would not only change for her, but need to change for myself. Yet she doesn't believe that this is possible. I'm sure this is not the whole story, i doubt I will ever know the whole story as she sees it. I only wish I could have had a chance to make it right, and show her how much I love her.

 

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

stay strong. i'm starting to feel this is how my story will unfold.

[LisaUk]

My ex used to work really long hours, leaving at 6am and returning at 7.15pm monday to friday. In addition he had lots of after work dinners with clients, agancies, managing directors etc, plus social events, conferences and courses and meetings in Scotland. Many of these conferences and courses would run to a friday night, so he would have to return on the saturday morning. Some were held in Scotland, meaning he would have to fly back on a saturday, often the plane would be delayed and as such he would not get back till late in the afternoon.

 

In addition to this he would bring his work home in the evenings and on weekends, even on vacation. It was never ending. When he was home and not working he would spend hours upon hours playing computer games on the PC. I hardly saw him. A lot of our arguments were about him then wanting to go out more with friends and work collegues and go away on long weekends for stag do's. I always belived that when we reached a comprimise on how much time he went out for his social life, that he was happy with the compromise, understanding that we needed time together as well. Since he left, he has complained that he felt he didn't have enough time away from the relationship. That he wants someone more independant and just to come together to spend time when each feel like it.

 

My point is, if your wife felt unhappy she could have approached you in a calm way and said so, just as my ex could have said so. You felt you needed more quality time with her, she wanted to do what she wanted to do. To blame it on you is truly unfair, she didn't give you the chance to compromise by not telling you and she also didn't take YOUR feelings on board about how you wanted more time with her. If someone does not communicate with you, you cannot possibly know how they feel. Don't blame yourself for this.

[tojaz]

Lisa,

I try not to blame myself for a lot of this, but I do have to face the fact that i am not innocent either. I did play a role in making her unhappy, even if it was an unknowing one. I can live with that and just do what I can to recognize my part and fix it. A good friend of mine gave me this advice about rel;ationships "What ever dosen't get resolve din this one, will be carried to the next" Thats good advice for anybody. If I can't realize the areas where I went wrong, I am doomed to repeat it. I did criticize too much, at times i was selfish, I did take her for granted. Admitting those flaws is very important to being a better me. I hope she will be around to see it, but if not, her loss.

 

By the way, I noticed the advice you gave Lupa and Broken Hearted, spoken like someone with 1,000 posts rather then 80. Keep it up. To be honest, I didn't really start to benefit from LS until I ventured out there and started giving my .02 thats helped me more then all the advice in the world. Things look much clearer when your on the outside looking in.

TOJAZ

[giotto]

 

My point is, if your wife felt unhappy she could have approached you in a calm way and said so, just as my ex could have said so. You felt you needed more quality time with her, she wanted to do what she wanted to do. To blame it on you is truly unfair, she didn't give you the chance to compromise by not telling you and she also didn't take YOUR feelings on board about how you wanted more time with her. If someone does not communicate with you, you cannot possibly know how they feel. Don't blame yourself for this.

 

 

No, no, Lisa, you are wrong... she is a woman, so she expected him to be able to read her mind...

[tojaz]

I'lll let Lisa reply to that one.

[giotto]

I'lll let Lisa reply to that one.

 

tongue in cheek, but I think there is some truth in it...

[tojaz]

Had a bad night last night. Just clicked on to check my mail and get my LS fix, nothing unusual, was actually feeling pretty good. While checking my mail, I clicked on the last E-mail she sent me. She found herself an apartment, and was asking when she could move her stuff out. That part hit me hard the first time I read it, but that wasn't what did it. In the rest of the letter, shes telling me how much she enjoys her life without me. Things she's doing and goals for her "new life". She gave me her address, asked if I would help her move and tells me she wants us to be friends. Thats when it hit me.

:lmao:

 

It wasn't so much that she wasn't hurting like I am, I knew that. It was that i realized that I was happy for her. I was glad she dosen't feel the way I feel, I was glad she was having fun. I wanted to help her move!!! Even now, I want the best for her, want to be supportive of her, even though it's ripping me to shreds. I know I shouldn't, let it get to me, but it does. She is walking away from me to chase her own happiness at the cost of mine and I WANT TO HELP HER DO IT, I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO MAKE IT EASIER ON HER!!!! What the hell is that. Every time my phone rings, I hope it's her, even though I know it will be bad news, every time I come home, I half hope half dread seeing her car in the driveway, and everytime I wake up, I keep my eyes closed an extra minute just hoping it will be her I'm holding instead of a damn pillow. I thought I was past this.

 

Even now, just writing this, it starts all over again. Part of me wants to be her friend, to keep her in my life in some form or other. Hanging on to false hope for the rest of my life. The rest of me knows that I can't. Seeing her date, fall in love with someone else, it would drive me mad. Why is it, that shes out having a ball, and the mere memory of her can still leave me in a heap on the floor even after 2 months? Why is it so easy for her to walk away? Why don't I deserve what I want out of life instead of giving it all up for her?

 

I know the answers to those questions, guess I'm just not ready to take them to heart. Sorry for the long rant, time to pretend I'm a man and go to work.

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

and the mere memory of her can still leave me in a heap on the floor even after 2 months?

 

You are still in the early stages. You will never heal from this as long as you know about her and remain friends with her. Don't make it easy for her, have her move her own stuff out. You being a nice guy won't change anything in her decision to do what she wants. You have an unselfish love for her and even though she's gone, you only want the best for her. It will take much longer to recover because of this.

[giotto]

and the mere memory of her can still leave me in a heap on the floor even after 2 months?

 

You are still in the early stages. You will never heal from this as long as you know about her and remain friends with her. Don't make it easy for her, have her move her own stuff out. You being a nice guy won't change anything in her decision to do what she wants. You have an unselfish love for her and even though she's gone, you only want the best for her. It will take much longer to recover because of this.

 

well, it's unselfish love for her and for himself... he is having those feelings because he still hopes that, at some point -and misteriously - she'll come back to him... it's normal in the early stages... if he really thinks it's over, than he should go NC... seriously. He is only delaying his agony...

[LisaUk]

No, no, Lisa, you are wrong... she is a woman, so she expected him to be able to read her mind...

 

That must make my ex a woman as well then, because he admits he lied and kept his feelings hidden for years, that he should have raised his feelings sooner, but has decided that now it's too late, no amount of discussion with me will bring his feelings for me back. So, I guess I need to read minds as well!

[LisaUk]

well, it's unselfish love for her and for himself... he is having those feelings because he still hopes that, at some point -and misteriously - she'll come back to him... it's normal in the early stages...

 

Tojaz, it's great that you have the insight to understand how you contributed to all this, I guess I'm projecting some of my problems on yours! However, just remember you may have done some this wrong, but your wife has not even given you the chance to retify your behaviour.

 

What Giotto says above is so true! For 3 months I spoke and talked to my ex so nicely, did everything he asked with regard to the legal stuff, the house etc, hell, I even did a load of laundry for him to pick up before he left the hotel to go stay with his brother! You know why? I didn't want to p*ss him off, I wanted to be as kind, considerate, caring, helpful as possible, because I hoped against all hope he would come back. It is normal in the early stages, now I think(most days, I won't say all because that wouldn't be true), I deserve better than to be walked away from without the respect of being given an oppurtunity to right any wrongs I did to you. I gave you 18 years of my life, I loved you, we shared many good things. STOP being nice, she doesn't appreciate it, let her find out how hard the real world is without you and your help and kindness. Maybe then, she will realise what she is going to lose.

[LisaUk]

but that wasn't what did it. In the rest of the letter, shes telling me how much she enjoys her life without me. Things she's doing and goals for her "new life".

 

It killed me to read this! I know your distress, my ex has said, he wants to move on to his new life of happiness. Since spliting with me he feels liberated and free.

 

It's like rubbing salt into the wound, there's no need for it, why can't people just be kind and thoughtful to others. She's hurt you badly, really badly, why does she not understand that comments about her new life are going to hurt you even more and cause you more pain?

 

I said to my ex, "did you have to say you felt liberated, don't you think that hurts me?" he replied "why, was just saying MY feelings".

 

You see, the conclusion I've gotton to is he is only concrened with himself, "MY feelings," that's no way to treat someone you said (and in your case vowed) to be with (for better, for WORSE), for the rest of your life.

[seibert253]

Hate to say it, but turn off the lights and close the curtains. You have a long hard road of healing coming at you. Hurt, pain, anger, excitement, disappointment, just to start.

 

Stop enabling her and making this easier for her. She's made her decision, let her walk her path ALONE. You will NEVER heal or get over this as long as she's in the picture.

 

I bet she's experiencing a certain amount of anxiety over this, but she's not showing it. You are also helping her get through this by BEING THERE FOR HER. Enough is Enough. Your attitude needs to be, and eventually you are going to have to tell her this:

-I love you more than anything, but this situation you've brought upon us is killing me emotionally and physically. I think I understand why you did this, but it doesn't negate the fact that at times it feels like you've stuck and knife in my heart. There is nothing more I would love than to be your husband, but I now see that is no longer possible. In order for me to heal and move forward with my life I cannot be "friends" and I think it's better for both of us if we just go our seperate ways.

 

My hope is that something like this would result in a WTF am I doing moment on her part, but I think she's too far gone for that. The fact that she's getting her own apartment tells the tale.

Time to move forward, not looking back.

[giotto]

but do you rreally want her to come back? Why? She's gone, she's hurt you, it would never be the same. You'll always be resentful. My wife did something similar to me... she said she didn't love me the same way she used to and I knew she was saying she didn't love me anymore, just being kind about it. She never left, because we have children, but we separated for a while. I'm still at home, because I don't want to leave the children either, and we get on... we pretend we are a couple... we even have sex sometime... but do I love her? No, not after what she did to me. I hate her for ruining my life, for not telling me 10 years ago... so, be careful! The toy is broken and you can't mend it...

[OP3Crimsin]

-I love you more than anything, but this situation you've brought upon us is killing me emotionally and physically. I think I understand why you did this, but it doesn't negate the fact that at times it feels like you've stuck and knife in my heart. There is nothing more I would love than to be your husband, but I now see that is no longer possible. In order for me to heal and move forward with my life I cannot be "friends" and I think it's better for both of us if we just go our seperate ways.

 

.

I would die to say that because it feels like that may just help my situitation but I can't. We're stuck in a house together for 4 more years and we have one son age 3. How can I give no contact AND live in the same house, sleep in the same room and take care of the same child?!?

[tojaz]

You all are right. I have posted the exact same things in other threads dozens of times, but in my own life, just dosen't register. It's instinct, I've spent almost 13 years trying to make life easy for her, t make her happy, show her how much i love her. I get into moments like that and I see the good and happy, not what has been as of late. I see the wife that I would wake up an hour early just to enjoy holding her for awhile not the woman that threw a chair at me. I hear the "I'll love you forever" not the "I never loved you, I just didn't want to be lonely" I need to keep the two seperate.

 

giotto "but do you really want her to come back? Why?" Depends on who is coming back. I love my wife, always will. The woman I broke down for last night was my wife. She deserves that, is worthy of that. What I have been shown over the last 2 months has not been my wife, not as Iknew her at least. That woman is not welcome, I am better off alone. I keep hope that my wife will reemerge. Unfortunately that hope is dwindling.

 

seibert "-I love you more than anything, but this situation you've brought upon us is killing me emotionally and physically. I think I understand why you did this, but it doesn't negate the fact that at times it feels like you've stuck and knife in my heart. There is nothing more I would love than to be your husband, but I now see that is no longer possible. In order for me to heal and move forward with my life I cannot be "friends" and I think it's better for both of us if we just go our seperate ways.

My hope is that something like this would result in a WTF am I doing moment on her part, but I think she's too far gone for that. The fact that she's getting her own apartment tells the tale.

Time to move forward, not looking back." I would hope for the WTF too, but your right, and that s what I'm afraid of. To say that and have her embrace it would crush me. I need to stay away and heal before I take on another whoopin like that, I don't think I will ever thin it was better to go our seperate ways, I can accept it with time but never agree.

 

Lisa "I deserve better than to be walked away from without the respect of being given an oppurtunity to right any wrongs I did to you. I gave you 18 years of my life, I loved you, we shared many good things. STOP being nice, she doesn't appreciate it, let her find out how hard the real world is without you and your help and kindness. Maybe then, she will realise what she is going to lose."

I soooo needed to hear that, thank you.

 

H&D "You are still in the early stages. You will never heal from this as long as you know about her and remain friends with her. Don't make it easy for her, have her move her own stuff out. You being a nice guy won't change anything in her decision to do what she wants. You have an unselfish love for her and even though she's gone, you only want the best for her. It will take much longer to recover because of this"

Early stages damn! I was hoping I was over the hump. Like I said above, it's instinct, I love her and I want whats best I've done that for 12 years, even if it meant sacrificing myself. I know it's time for that to come to an end, but thats easier said then done, but I would rather agonize over a true and unselfish love than be who she is being right now.

 

Thanks everyone. It was a rough one and I know there will be more, thanks for the support, I owe you all a big one.

TOJAZ

[seibert253]

TO man, we are here for you. Many of us fought the battles, been in the trenches, and most of us have come out on top. Just remember this, God never gives us more than we can't handle, though he will push us to our limit at times. I'm convinced this is done out of love, and to make us stronger for something bigger and better he has planned for us. He's in charge, he knows the big picture, and he'll reveal it in his own time. Everything happens for a reason, even sh#t like what you're going through.

 

You WILL get through this, you WILL be stronger, and you will be BETTER.

Peace and God bless.

[Gunny376]

Would a dear and close friend e-mail you and tell you "I'm really looking forward to my life without you being in it?"

Your falling into t a serious mind~life trap here, and its going to trip you up for a very long time if your not careful! (Been there, done that, got the posters, the pictures, the coffee mug! Take a fool's advice and don't go there.)

 

I'm not saying you should be ugly toward her? She needs help moving? Forward the addresses to a couple of moving company's and/or 1-888-U-Haul.

 

She's no longer your responsiblity. She wanted out? She's out! Just that plain and simple.

 

Basically if someone is going to 'hang me?' I'll be damned to Hell and back if I'm going to let them use my rope to do it with!

 

Your seriously setting yourself up with this "I still want to be friends though!" BS.

 

She's setting you up! She's wanting something from you ~ and were I you? I wouldn't fall for the Scralet O'hard batting her eyes at you routine.

 

When it came to her moving? I breakout the lawn chair, the cooler full of beer, and camp out on the lawn and not lift a finger. Everytime she passed by with something, I'd smile, and give a "Cheers" with my beer! and a smile.

 

I'd put together a special CD, with songs such as "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone", "The Winner" "Easy Come ~ Easy Go!"

 

Of course this is coming from the guy, who if I ever win the lottery is going to build a hugh mansion of a hourse across from the X, and build the swiming pool in the front yards, hire myself a bunch of struggling college co-eds to hand around the pool. All they would have to do is do what college co-eds do? Sunbathe and study!

 

Everytime she pulled out of her driveway (the X that is) I'd jump up with a cold one in my hand and holler ~

 

"HEY GIRL! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW!" :lmao:

[giotto]

very funny...

[LisaUk]

I see the wife that I would wake up an hour early just to enjoy holding her for awhile not the woman that threw a chair at me.

 

Early stages damn! I was hoping I was over the hump.

 

WHY can't she see how much you love her! I can see it, in the one line right there, "I see the wife that I would wake up an hour early just to enjoy holding her for awhile"

 

Make me want to call her and talk some sense into her!

 

She's throwing away a good man. One day she WILL realise this and she will regret what she has wasted, I'm certain of it.

 

I don't understand why your wife and my ex cannot see how much we love them. How they can walk away like this. I find it helps just to remember that she hasn't given you a chance, that's not right. Commitment is to continue to do something when the feeling that caused you to start doing it has faded. She committed to you, she married you, does this mean nothing to people anymore.

 

I know what you mean about mourning the wife you had and not the one that exists now. I'm the same, it's like who the hell has taken over my exes body and how do I get the Vicar (minister) round to exorcise them! It hurts to remember the good memories because that person no longer exists to you, that person would not walk away and treat you this way.

 

As for you being in the early stages, you are, but I'll tell you something, you are so much further forward than I was at the 1 month mark, I'm at 3 months and probably just about getting to your level of understanding. You're doing great.

 

Take comfort in the fact that you have done everything you can to save your marriage, that you are not at fault here, she's the one not willing to try and that you come across as a person who is capable of loving someone how you should love a wife, like family, like part of you. It is your wife (and my ex) who are incapable of this kind of unselfish love. Sure, they think they are capable of it, they think by being passive they have given themseleves over to you and your needs, but they haven't because at the end of the day, they don't see that to love someone is to understand their heart.

[giotto]

well, you can't stop people falling out of love, for one reason or another... it's sad, it hurts but there's nothing we can do about it... it happens and when it does we have to deal with it... it takes time, but that's life...

[LisaUk]

well, you can't stop people falling out of love, for one reason or another... it's sad, it hurts but there's nothing we can do about it... it happens and when it does we have to deal with it... it takes time, but that's life...

 

Clearly, commitment does not have a meaning any more then.

[tojaz]

WHY can't she see how much you love her! I can see it, in the one line right there, "I see the wife that I would wake up an hour early just to enjoy holding her for awhile"

 

Make me want to call her and talk some sense into her!

 

She's throwing away a good man. One day she WILL realise this and she will regret what she has wasted, I'm certain of it.

 

I don't understand why your wife and my ex cannot see how much we love them. How they can walk away like this. I find it helps just to remember that she hasn't given you a chance, that's not right. Commitment is to continue to do something when the feeling that caused you to start doing it has faded. She committed to you, she married you, does this mean nothing to people anymore.

 

I know what you mean about mourning the wife you had and not the one that exists now. I'm the same, it's like who the hell has taken over my exes body and how do I get the Vicar (minister) round to exorcise them! It hurts to remember the good memories because that person no longer exists to you, that person would not walk away and treat you this way.

 

As for you being in the early stages, you are, but I'll tell you something, you are so much further forward than I was at the 1 month mark, I'm at 3 months and probably just about getting to your level of understanding. You're doing great.

 

Take comfort in the fact that you have done everything you can to save your marriage, that you are not at fault here, she's the one not willing to try and that you come across as a person who is capable of loving someone how you should love a wife, like family, like part of you. It is your wife (and my ex) who are incapable of this kind of unselfish love. Sure, they think they are capable of it, they think by being passive they have given themseleves over to you and your needs, but they haven't because at the end of the day, they don't see that to love someone is to understand their heart.

 

Lisa,

If i thought it would do any good, I would send you her number. I'm still half tempted to hop a flight and knock your ex around a bit.;)Unfortunately, Love is not always enough. I love her enough to put up with this, to make it right on my end, and put it in the past. Unfortunately she desen't. We used to have love like that, unselfish. Somrthing in her has changed. Parts of that I can respect. Trying to recapture ones identity is a very honorable path, unfortunately stepping on the ones you love and have supported you. To me, our marriage and our love was valued over all else, it is no longer a priority to her, but an obstacle to her freedom. I cannot change that.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Would a dear and close friend e-mail you and tell you "I'm really looking forward to my life without you being in it?"

Your falling into t a serious mind~life trap here, and its going to trip you up for a very long time if your not careful! (Been there, done that, got the posters, the pictures, the coffee mug! Take a fool's advice and don't go there.)

 

Oh, I see the pitfall coming. I'm going to be the ex she said all these terrible things about, and then invite me out with her and her new guy? I don't think so. I've been pretty pathetic through all of this, but I'm not going to volunteer to be a doormat my whole life. I'm here if she wants to work it out, if she wants to make a commitment, but I'm not going to wait in the wings while she tries all the other flavors first.

TOJAZ