LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Lisa, If i thought it would do any good, I would send you her number. I'm still half tempted to hop a flight and knock your ex around a bit. Although I wish him no physical harm, I think that's the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me since the split. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Oh, I see the pitfall coming. I'm going to be the ex she said all these terrible things about, and then invite me out with her and her new guy? I don't think so. I've been pretty pathetic through all of this, but I'm not going to volunteer to be a doormat my whole life. I'm here if she wants to work it out, if she wants to make a commitment, but I'm not going to wait in the wings while she tries all the other flavors first. TOJAZ My thoughts about being friends with my ex exactly. I could not bear to see him with someone else, we have only ever been intimate with each other, it would literally kill me. In addition, I'm not going to hang around and wait for him to realise that no relationship is perfect and that with me he had someone who was willing and capable of compromise, with someone else they may be like him, not capable of it, perhaps he will be on the recieving end, perhaps not, but although I'm not anywhere near ready to date yet, when i am and if I meet someone I will go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Clearly, commitment does not have a meaning any more then. commitment without love? Would you be happy with that? Would you be happy to have your ex back even if he didn't love you anymore, just because he's made a commitment? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 commitment without love? Would you be happy with that? Would you be happy to have your ex back even if he didn't love you anymore, just because he's made a commitment? No, but love has a pattern, (my degree is in Psychology), if you have loved someone once there is no reason why you can't again. My point is if you are committed you don't bail just because your feelings that made you commit have faded, you TRY, that is the essence of commitment. If you have tried and then you fail, then both parties can agree to walk away, not just one. Otherwise what exactly is the point in committing yourself to someone in the first place, why don't we all just hook up with people when we fel like it and live alone? I know some people do that, perhaps because they have found no one will honour their commitments anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 No, but love has a pattern, (my degree is in Psychology), if you have loved someone once there is no reason why you can't again. My point is if you are committed you don't bail just because your feelings that made you commit have faded, you TRY, that is the essence of commitment. If you have tried and then you fail, then both parties can agree to walk away, not just one. Otherwise what exactly is the point in committing yourself to someone in the first place, why don't we all just hook up with people when we fel like it and live alone? I know some people do that, perhaps because they have found no one will honour their commitments anymore? well, I didn't know you didn't try or that he didn't want to (I haven't read your posts on this board in their entirety). I agree that, as a couple, you should at least try to fix the relationship in the first place. I also agree that you can love the same person again, but personally I would find that very difficult, especially after being rejected by that person. It's a feeling that will always stay with you, regardless, and I don't think it would be a good platform for a healthy relationship. I've tried to fix my relationship for a long time, but I can't get over the humiliation, the resentment and the hurt. If he asked you to try again tomorrow, would you go for it? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 well, I didn't know you didn't try or that he didn't want to (I haven't read your posts on this board in their entirety). I agree that, as a couple, you should at least try to fix the relationship in the first place. I also agree that you can love the same person again, but personally I would find that very difficult, especially after being rejected by that person. It's a feeling that will always stay with you, regardless, and I don't think it would be a good platform for a healthy relationship. I've tried to fix my relationship for a long time, but I can't get over the humiliation, the resentment and the hurt. If he asked you to try again tomorrow, would you go for it? He left me 10 months before our wedding (after 18 years together), without an explanation or a chance to work things out. I had NO IDEA he was even unhappy, we were making wedding plans, had the Vicar round to the house etc. The bits and pieces I have gathered about why he did it are from calls to him that happened after he left. He pushed me out of our home, the whole legal process took 9 weeks, it was very fast. I asked him to come home and try, just give it a few months and he still felt the same I would go. He would not talk about trying to resolve anything. Would I have him back tomorrow, yes. It would be difficult to move past the way he treated me, but I do love him and I would be willing to forgive that for a chance to try and fix things. It would be very hard to forget the way he left, but I would still go for it and move past that, perhaps that makes me a doormat, I don't know, all I know is that I love him more than I ever thought was possible to love someone and it kills me everday I can't see him or speak to him. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I think we are highjacking this thread... I'll read you post and I'll answer there, if I may... Link to post Share on other sites
KTMRider33 Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 WHY can't she see how much you love her! I can see it, in the one line right there, "I see the wife that I would wake up an hour early just to enjoy holding her for awhile" Make me want to call her and talk some sense into her! She's throwing away a good man. One day she WILL realize this and she will regret what she has wasted, I'm certain of it. . Lisa, I wish it was that easy......I know that all my stbx's good friends where trying to talk sense in to her, but she wouldn't or couldn't listen, she had shut down her feelings for me, I know because she had already attached to the OM it was impossible for her to turn back to me. But it would appear even if there is nobody else they will not or cannot try and work on things. I proposed six months of work before we called it a day, she would not commit. That is a hard thing to come to terms with, the fact that they just appear to walk away, without any work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Although I wish him no physical harm, I think that's the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me since the split. Lisa, Wow, I hope that isn't the case. You are talking with the wrong people. You deserve better, all the support you can get. I saw you wanted to call him today, good for you that you didn't. I'm sure that took a lot of strength. Wish I had been around to reply. Keep it up, your doing fine. Tojaz Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Hi Tojaz, I do have some support, although I think friends and family are sick of hearing about it now. One friend said after 2 and half months, "your feelings for him MUST be changing by now though"! Is she kidding? I can't just turn off the fact that I loved him so much I didn't want to spend another day without him fo rthe rest of my life. She's married, you'd think she would get it! It was just nice to know that someone who only knows me through this posting cared enough to say that, that's what I meant. I did have a bad evening yesterday and an even worse night, but I'm so glad I didn't call him, it would have achieved nothing. Thank God for you and everyone who helps me on here. How are you today? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 That's alright Sweet. You just come here! We're here for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Hi Tojaz, I do have some support, although I think friends and family are sick of hearing about it now. One friend said after 2 and half months, "your feelings for him MUST be changing by now though"! Is she kidding? I can't just turn off the fact that I loved him so much I didn't want to spend another day without him for the rest of my life. She's married, you'd think she would get it! It was just nice to know that someone who only knows me through this posting cared enough to say that, that's what I meant. I did have a bad evening yesterday and an even worse night, but I'm so glad I didn't call him, it would have achieved nothing. Thank God for you and everyone who helps me on here. How are you today? Lisa, I doubt your feelings for him will ever change entirely. He was your first true love. I know for me, there will always be at least a part of my heart that will belong to her. It does no credit to what you meant to each other to do otherwise. I would imagine even 10 years from now, a photo or some other trigger will bring it all back for a moment. By then you will have moved on and it will not be pain but a fond memory. I think my family is kind of sick of hearing about it too. They have been giving me a wide berth lately. Luckily I don't mind being alone that much anymore, and my kitty is good company and a better listener anyways. If you just want to chat or something, I'm on Yahoo messanger any time my computer is on. It's free to download, and the easiest way to reach me. My I.D. is TOJAZ87 that goes for anybody else reading this who wants to shoot the breeze or just needs some company too. Just let me know your from LS and your screen name so i know who I'm talking to. I'm hanging in there. Shes supposed to come and get some things today. Not sure how that is going to be. I have several other fires burning right now, and can't stress over her too much if it isn't doing any good. We talked on the phone yesterday for about 20min. (she called me) but it wasn't anything heavy, just chit chat, but it was nice. I haven't seen her face to face in weeks, and the last time I did, she threw a chair at me, so I guess it's anybodies guess as to how I will handle it. TOJAZ 100 posts, Yea ME!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 It gets better "T" with time it gets better! Time heals all wounds! I'm like a previous poster on another thread! Its just easier being single! You can't go wrong by yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Lisa, I doubt your feelings for him will ever change entirely. He was your first true love. I know for me, there will always be at least a part of my heart that will belong to her. It does no credit to what you meant to each other to do otherwise. I would imagine even 10 years from now, a photo or some other trigger will bring it all back for a moment. By then you will have moved on and it will not be pain but a fond memory. I think my family is kind of sick of hearing about it too. They have been giving me a wide berth lately. Luckily I don't mind being alone that much anymore, and my kitty is good company and a better listener anyways. If you just want to chat or something, I'm on Yahoo messanger any time my computer is on. It's free to download, and the easiest way to reach me. My I.D. is TOJAZ87 that goes for anybody else reading this who wants to shoot the breeze or just needs some company too. Just let me know your from LS and your screen name so i know who I'm talking to. I'm hanging in there. Shes supposed to come and get some things today. Not sure how that is going to be. I have several other fires burning right now, and can't stress over her too much if it isn't doing any good. We talked on the phone yesterday for about 20min. (she called me) but it wasn't anything heavy, just chit chat, but it was nice. I haven't seen her face to face in weeks, and the last time I did, she threw a chair at me, so I guess it's anybodies guess as to how I will handle it. TOJAZ 100 posts, Yea ME!! Thanks for the offer of chatting on messenger, will def look into using that, I think we have a time difference to consider though, it's 2.30pm here in the Uk at the moment? Just one thing, your wife threw a chair at you, she doesn't sound that passive to me! Got me thinking about my ex as well, he had no problem getting in a rage and screaming in my face, throwing things, when he felt like it! Hhm, excuses to justify his leaving? I hope all goes well when she comes over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Thanks for the offer of chatting on messenger, will def look into using that, I think we have a time difference to consider though, it's 2.30pm here in the Uk at the moment? Just one thing, your wife threw a chair at you, she doesn't sound that passive to me! Got me thinking about my ex as well, he had no problem getting in a rage and screaming in my face, throwing things, when he felt like it! Hhm, excuses to justify his leaving? I hope all goes well when she comes over. Yeah, it's 9:00 A.M. here, but it works like text messages, they will be waiting for me when I check. We seem to post a lot around the same times anyways. Just an offer, I'm on there a lot anyways. Yeah, she threw a chair. That was very out of charachter for her though. This whole thing is about her trying to regain herself, her power. That was her trying to learn how to do that I guess. I'm not innocent of such things myself. Something I'm not proud of, but something I need to deal with for myself. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192211/. These thing are terrible and I was very ashamed when i wrote it. It wasn't a pattern though and happened very very rarely. Still something I'm exploring with my counselor. She said that while unhealthy, acting out like that is somewhat common due to the context. Still unacceptable but understandable. I never threw anything at her though. I couldn't live with myself if I had. I'll post after she has left to let you know how it went, probably nothing though. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 She's married, you'd think she would get it! Maybe that's the reason why she doesn't get it... sorry, old cynic me.. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Hi Tojaz, read your other thread. All totally understandable, you did not emotionally abuse her, we all do things like this when we are angry, hurt, insecure, sad, upset etc, to not do these things would mean we were not human, robots if you will, hell, your wife just threw a chair at you! The only one thing you said that I think was going to far, is the one thing you said you sought help for, she forgave you for it and it was years ago, you dealt with it, I don't think it's relevant to her leaving you now. To be really honest some of the things you mentionned, I think she has been unreasonable about. You had every right to ask her not to see her ex if it made you uncomfortable, going through her e-mails was not emotional abuse, you did this AFTER the divorce had been brought up and not before. I found it more interesting that you did find e-mails etc showing she had been in contact with him the whole relationship without yur knowledge. That is an act of dishonesty that does not honour you or your relationship. If she was unhappy with your request that she not contact him, she should have discussed this with you, not been underhanded and gone behind your back. In doing so, she not only disrespected you, but she willingly and knowingly contributed to the break down of your marriage. Given you were dealing with someone who found it so easy to lie, I'm not surprised that you have reacted in the ways that you have. I know all that I have said is very personal and I really hope you don't mind me commenting. I hate to think you are giving yourself a hard time over this. I'm not saying you shouldn't think about these things, just don't think it's all your fault she left. It appears to me that she has played a huge role in this as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Lisa, I don't mind you commenting at all, this is a public forum after all. These things do bother me some times, not so much that they occured, thats in the past and nothing can change them. I hate that this is how she sees me now though. There has always been a lot of love between us. I have had my missteps but always did my best. As the end comes, and all the bad that has happened over the past months I've done my best to see the whole picture, the good points and the bad, the smiles and the tears. I have no regrets, these experiences make us who we are, good and bad. It does kill me to think that the picture of me she sees and shares with others is of a controlling abuser who trapped her in a marriage she claims she didn't want rather then the commited and devoted husband I wanted so badly to be for her, and that she outwardly enjoyed right up to the end. Puts a very dark cloud over the happiest time sof my life, regardless of my take on the situation, it will always be there. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Lisa, I don't mind you commenting at all, this is a public forum after all. These things do bother me some times, not so much that they occured, thats in the past and nothing can change them. I hate that this is how she sees me now though. There has always been a lot of love between us. I have had my missteps but always did my best. As the end comes, and all the bad that has happened over the past months I've done my best to see the whole picture, the good points and the bad, the smiles and the tears. I have no regrets, these experiences make us who we are, good and bad. It does kill me to think that the picture of me she sees and shares with others is of a controlling abuser who trapped her in a marriage she claims she didn't want rather then the commited and devoted husband I wanted so badly to be for her, and that she outwardly enjoyed right up to the end. Puts a very dark cloud over the happiest time sof my life, regardless of my take on the situation, it will always be there. TOJAZ Hi, just replyed to your post on MRmayI's thread. Can't belive that, was this before or after the divorce came up? I really get the feeling she is doing the whole blame you to ease my guilt thing here?! I don't know what your relationship was really like, only you and your wife knows that, but from reading your posts, something doesn't ring true here. Your wife had 10 years before she married you to decide if you were a controlling abuser who would trap her, if you really think about it does it make sense to you that she would take this long to suss you out and then still marry you? It doesn't add up, now you mention this OM? I could be way off beam here, but you come across as someone really nice, who is taking all the s*it for everything, when perhaps there is more to this? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Hi, just read your reply on mayI's thread. I'm not surprised you lost it, I would have as well. Why would she lie now? To keep you as plan B? To maintain her reputation with family and friends? Blimey, I'd be looking for more evidence if it were me, I'm not as conrolled as you I don't think, I would want to know. Do you want to know? Or do you think it's better not to? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Hope all goes well when you see her today. Will check in later. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Hi, just replyed to your post on MRmayI's thread. Can't belive that, was this before or after the divorce came up? I really get the feeling she is doing the whole blame you to ease my guilt thing here?! I don't know what your relationship was really like, only you and your wife knows that, but from reading your posts, something doesn't ring true here. Your wife had 10 years before she married you to decide if you were a controlling abuser who would trap her, if you really think about it does it make sense to you that she would take this long to suss you out and then still marry you? It doesn't add up, now you mention this OM? I could be way off beam here, but you come across as someone really nice, who is taking all the s*it for everything, when perhaps there is more to this? Lisa, Yeah, I saw and replied to you there. I've heard lots of opinions that this is about the OM. I'm not 100% sure how much of a role he plays. Physicaly, he is better looking then I and in better shape, I can see how that would happen. She is a very beautiful girl. I have always thought, right up to the Big D anouncement that our relationship was great. He reappeared a few months before that (he was a student at the university where she works)and I had expressed my displeasure in her spending time with him. Not somuch because i didn't trust her as much as i didn't trust him. He had always been a user of women and had recently left his wife and child to "find himself" (sound familiar). I do agree that it is odd, that she has waited so long to express these feelings to me, and i am not blind to the possible connection. I guess it is just out of respect that i give her the benefit of the doubt and trust what it is she says. It really makes no difference, the outcome will be the same. I don't believe i have taken ALL the s**t although shes thrown quite a bit at me. I own whats mine but will not allow myself to carry the blame alone. I know that much, and i also believe that what ever the dynamic of her and O.M.'s relationship, her issues with the marriage run deeper then just that. He is more a symptom then the total cause. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Hi, yes it certainly does sound familiar! You are a stronger person than me. Hope it goes well when she comes over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Just by reading your posts and the advice yo give to others. Your a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for, and you get stronger everyday! Coming hear, hashing it out, not calling him, thats true strength walking away is weakness. Letting it rule your life is weakness. Remember that. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Just by reading your posts and the advice yo give to others. Your a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for, and you get stronger everyday! Coming hear, hashing it out, not calling him, thats true strength walking away is weakness. Letting it rule your life is weakness. Remember that. TOJAZ You seem to have a knack for making me feel better! Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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