Pradajunkie Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Well, she just left. It couldn't have gone worse to be honest. I have a dear friend in the hospital, and she took a turn for the worst. I got the call while the wife was here, and i transformed into the blubbering old me. The one that pushed her away. Its just too much stress i guess. I cried and everything while she just carried boxes past. The tears are not for her, but they where tears nontheless. She actually tried to console me a little, but I couldn't even look at her. I wanted to more then anything, take it all in, it's been a long time since I've seen her and she looks just as good as she ever did. Now I'm having a panic attack looking at a half empty closet, empty shelves, bare walls. This is no longer a home but an empty shell. I really thought I could handle this! Really thought i could get over her and move on. Just seeing this brings it all back. I have known that I wanted her, but this is the first time I felt like I actually NEEDED her. :o:o :oTOJAZ I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and what you are going through... The stress of what you are going through is tough enough with out any additional bad news. I wish you the best and the strength to get through these tough patches. PJ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Oh Tojaz. My heart goes out to you, this is how I felt when I had to box up 10 years, removal company came and then get in the car with my parents and drive for 5 and half hours away from my home and him. I so hoped it was going to be something positive for you. You should cry, let it out, crying relieves stress, pain. I'm here now if you want to talk? Do cry and mourn the women you loved, but remember that women no longer exists. Remember what she has done! She's left you without giving you a chance to right any wrongs. You don't need her, you need someone who has commitment, the ability to honour their vows to you, vows she made in front of family and friends, for better, for worse. You don't want or need someone who bails, someone who disrespects you like that. You deserved better. You did everything you could to try and work this out with her, she is the one that has choosen to bail. Your house will become a home again. It's just going to take some time to deal with your feelings, just like it is for me. We are both gonna be fine, hell, we are both gonna find happiness again. Where is Gunny when you need him for a bit of his no nonsense, but helpful and accurate, tough love? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Oh, I'm not quite ready for a dose of Gunny just yet. I guess i need to have my little pity party. I was hoping for something positive as well. Nothing major, just nice for a change. I tried my best to be nice to her. Even carried some of her things out to her car. Sucked the life right out of me. I tried to busy myself in the lawn until she left. As soon as her car was out of sight I just fell to pieces. Couldn't stop myself, right in front of the neighbors like a child. I've endured just about every kind of pain imaginable, and nothing compares to this. She sent me a text, not to long ago to ask about my friend. A TEXT! I'm going to pieces and she can't be bothered to talk on the phone. My whole damn divorce has been carried out by E-Mail and Text message!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Oh, I'm not quite ready for a dose of Gunny just yet. I guess i need to have my little pity party. I was hoping for something positive as well. Nothing major, just nice for a change. I tried my best to be nice to her. Even carried some of her things out to her car. Sucked the life right out of me. I tried to busy myself in the lawn until she left. As soon as her car was out of sight I just fell to pieces. Couldn't stop myself, right in front of the neighbors like a child. I've endured just about every kind of pain imaginable, and nothing compares to this. She sent me a text, not to long ago to ask about my friend. A TEXT! I'm going to pieces and she can't be bothered to talk on the phone. My whole damn divorce has been carried out by E-Mail and Text message!!! OK, so wrong tac with the tough love! Sorry. You pity away, I don't blame you, I was the same. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the whole thing being done by text and e-mail, my ex did the same. My mum was horrified, she came to stay with me while all the legals were done, (my lawyer told me to stay in our house). She said "who the hell does he think you are? His PA?" You know what? He even asked me to do some maintainance work on the front door for him as the wood was rotting and he didn't want it to get worse. He had been putting it off for nearly a year, but he wanted me to fix it, even though he was chucking me out of our home and it would no longer be my front door! When I left the house, I left him a letter telling him I always loved him. He couldn't even tell me "I'm sorry how this turned out, I wish you the best in the future". I've had to call him a couple of times since because our bank screwed up on our joint accounts, he couldn't get me off the phone quick enough. I've had to hassle him via text to get him to forward my mail, I get an e-mail saying "stop contacting me, it's preventing me from moving on" needless to say I sent an e-mail back telling him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him. That was two weeks ago and since I have been complete NC and that's how I'm going to stay NC. How is your friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 My friend is in pretty bad shape. they had to do emergency surgery this morning, this will be her fifth surgery in six months. Midway through she started to hemorage and they had to stop. They are still working, but the doctor had told me days ago that he felt she would not be strong enough to undergo another procedure for weeks, yet they had to. I am hoping for the best. My wife keeps asking me if theres anything I need. All can think is, I need my wife, now more then ever. Unfortunately I know this will fall on deaf ears. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 My friend is in pretty bad shape. they had to do emergency surgery this morning, this will be her fifth surgery in six months. Midway through she started to hemorage and they had to stop. They are still working, but the doctor had told me days ago that he felt she would not be strong enough to undergo another procedure for weeks, yet they had to. I am hoping for the best. My wife keeps asking me if theres anything I need. All can think is, I need my wife, now more then ever. Unfortunately I know this will fall on deaf ears. TOJAZ Unfortunately, I think your right, your wife isn't the same person anymore. I'm sorry about your friend, I do hope she will be ok. Are your family near by? Perhaps now is a time you need their support? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Unfortunately, I think your right, your wife isn't the same person anymore. I'm sorry about your friend, I do hope she will be ok. Are your family near by? Perhaps now is a time you need their support? Yes, I have family and they have been great. I haven't shared my friends condition due to how much burden I've already put on them. I never thought I could be this weak or needy. Thank God i found LS, I don't know what i would have done otherwise and thank you Lisa, I think talking with you has helped me most of all. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Yes, I have family and they have been great. I haven't shared my friends condition due to how much burden I've already put on them. I never thought I could be this weak or needy. Thank God i found LS, I don't know what i would have done otherwise and thank you Lisa, I think talking with you has helped me most of all. TOJAZ That's so nice of you to say, I can honestly say you have helped me as much as I have helped you. I just saw your reply on another post, really your wife said the same words to you? Must be one of those "it's not you, it's me lines" we wouldn't know you see, because we don't just bail! You're not weak or needy, you're going through one of the worst times anyone can go through, don't be so hard on yourself! I'm just going to smoke a ciggy (in the garden) and get some much needed chocolate. Back in five! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I am right in thinking you wrote, you are 30, so you and your wife were together since you were 18? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 That's so nice of you to say, I can honestly say you have helped me as much as I have helped you. I just saw your reply on another post, really your wife said the same words to you? Must be one of those "it's not you, it's me lines" we wouldn't know you see, because we don't just bail! You're not weak or needy, you're going through one of the worst times anyone can go through, don't be so hard on yourself! I'm just going to smoke a ciggy (in the garden) and get some much needed chocolate. Back in five! Where have I heard that before?? Yes she said the exact same thing. That was why she didn't believe it couldn't work. "We can't change our personalities" was one she threw around a lot as well. I never really understood that, because I watched her personality change numerous times through all this. I've watched myself change through all this. She dosen't even bring up the whys anymore, just plods along like once everything is official everything will be that much better, that i will forget the things shes said and done and just be pals like back in high school. Like we had never been together. How could I? I can still remember the first time I saw her, the first I love you, the first kiss, all like it was yesterday right down to what she wore and what was on the radio. That will never go away. I am weak and needy. I'm man enough to admit that. There are plenty of people on this forum who have been stronger then I have been. I don't mind though, thats who I am and I 'd be upset at myself if I felt any different. Dosen't make it any better though. Enjoy your smoke, I've enjoyed my rant. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I am right in thinking you wrote, you are 30, so you and your wife were together since you were 18? Yep, we knew eachother backin junior high school 8th grade. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I really do know your pain you know! My ex and I met at school too, aged 15 we got together. He used to walk me home from school Just reading your last post, I'm back in our home town now, I walked past the spot in the park where we had our first kiss, nearly killed me. I don't understand how they can do this? All those shared memories, moments of happiness, how have they forgotten? Think Broken said something similar in her thread. I agree with you, people are capable of change. My ex would hardly know me now, THIS has changed me. Think like Gunny said on my thread, it's not us that's the problem! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I really do know your pain you know! My ex and I met at school too, aged 15 we got together. He used to walk me home from school Just reading your last post, I'm back in our home town now, I walked past the spot in the park where we had our first kiss, nearly killed me. I don't understand how they can do this? All those shared memories, moments of happiness, how have they forgotten? Think Broken said something similar in her thread. I agree with you, people are capable of change. My ex would hardly know me now, THIS has changed me. Think like Gunny said on my thread, it's not us that's the problem! Thats true, but we are the ones that are suffering. I'm a big strong guy, but this little girl can bring me to my knees with a look, and it dosen't bother her any to do it. Or to see me in that condition. Right now, our past means nothing to her. Even if we didn't get back together, I just wish I could see in her now that I meant something to her, that she's sorry or that it's difficult. Or at the very least, some compassion, hell any emotion would be nice right now. I guess we just need to take comfort that we are not like that and are changing for the better. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I am weak and needy. I'm man enough to admit that. There are plenty of people on this forum who have been stronger then I have been. I don't mind though, thats who I am and I 'd be upset at myself if I felt any different. Dosen't make it any better though. We all have our own timeframe and those of us going through this all feel weak and needy but there are those that can talk a good game to help make themselves feel better. Fake it til you make it. Time to turn those negatives into positives. The list goes on. There are many good sayings to drum into our heads but bottom line is..it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I am weak and needy. I'm man enough to admit that. There are plenty of people on this forum who have been stronger then I have been. I don't mind though, thats who I am and I 'd be upset at myself if I felt any different. Dosen't make it any better though. We all have our own timeframe and those of us going through this all feel weak and needy but there are those that can talk a good game to help make themselves feel better. Fake it til you make it. Time to turn those negatives into positives. The list goes on. There are many good sayings to drum into our heads but bottom line is..it hurts. Who invited you? Just kidding, starting to seem like me and Lisa have a private party going. Those are some very sound words H&D really gets to the heart of the matter. Until I laid eyes on her, I thought I was past that. Thought that I could be strong. Icouldn't even look her in the eye. Everytime I looked at her, I just wanted to reach out and hold her. I needed that but also knew that I couldn't. Guess it will take longer then I thought. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 this little girl can bring me to my knees with a look, and it dosen't bother her any to do it. I guess we just need to take comfort that we are not like that and are changing for the better. TOJAZ Never a truer word spoken. My ex doesn't give a s**t about how much pain he has and is causing me. I think it's one thing for a marriage to break down and both try, then seperate, but what they have done to us, just bail, that's something else altogether! You should take comfort in the fact that you are not like that, you have integrity, honour and compassion. It realy is like Gunny says, all she's achieved is making you a better man for someone else. I think it helps to think that if my ex did ever have another relationship, that relationship will be superfical, first sign of trouble, what's he gonna do? BAIL. He hasn't learnt anything or changed, he doesn't think change is possible remember! We have! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Thats the best thing I've heard all day,:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Never a truer word spoken. My ex doesn't give a s**t about how much pain he has and is causing me. I think it's one thing for a marriage to break down and both try, then seperate, but what they have done to us, just bail, that's something else altogether! You should take comfort in the fact that you are not like that, you have integrity, honour and compassion. It realy is like Gunny says, all she's achieved is making you a better man for someone else. I think it helps to think that if my ex did ever have another relationship, that relationship will be superfical, first sign of trouble, what's he gonna do? BAIL. He hasn't learnt anything or changed, he doesn't think change is possible remember! We have! OOPS, quote didn't make it, THATS the best thing I've heard all day. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 OOPS, quote didn't make it, THATS the best thing I've heard all day. So true! Hi H&D, thanks for that, it helps! How are you today? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Tojaz, ask yourself this, if you had been unhappy with her, would you have let it get this far, or would you have sat down with her and told her and tried to figure a way through it? I know I would have, even if my feelings for him had faded, the memories of our love alone would have been enough, I would have wanted that back, let alone commitment and integrity! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 So true! Hi H&D, thanks for that, it helps! How are you today? Miserable. Feels as though I am carrying around 200 pd weights. I posted on Second Chances last nite. Just as I am about to move forward he drags me back. But then, it's my own fault. I am finding it impossible to let go but also finding it impossible to let this go on. There is always that "what if" hanging over me. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Miserable. Feels as though I am carrying around 200 pd weights. I posted on Second Chances last nite. Just as I am about to move forward he drags me back. But then, it's my own fault. I am finding it impossible to let go but also finding it impossible to let this go on. There is always that "what if" hanging over me. What's the thread called? Will have a look. Sorry you are feeling so terrible today. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Dream on. thx for checking it out, your opinion, thoughts, etc would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Tojaz, ask yourself this, if you had been unhappy with her, would you have let it get this far, or would you have sat down with her and told her and tried to figure a way through it? I know I would have, even if my feelings for him had faded, the memories of our love alone would have been enough, I would have wanted that back, let alone commitment and integrity! Of course, thats actually how the fight where she ended it had started. I had been under a lot of stress. My work had not been going well, my sister is going through a divorce that has been going on over a year with a custody battle, and my friends condition(which I hadn't told my wife about at that point though) are all weighing heavy on my mind. In the mean time, the wife is completely submerged in her work. I reached a point where i needed some attention and support and reached out. I was denied and I rather selfishly let all that stress out and started a fight over how much time we get to spend together. Once I've had my say the reply I received was "I don't think I want to be married anymore" that was in late April, by the end of July we will be over. I always tried to let he rknow if I was unhappy or needed something. It was usually just like this, a little time or attention. I cannot honestly remember her telling me she needed anything from me. I always tried to guess and act accordingly, because asking would start a fight. She didn't like talking about emotions. I guess thats why it is so easy to detach. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 The stresses of life can just be too much of a burden for people, so instead of dealing with it and helping those that are suffering, they bail out. They go find "happiness" somewhere or with someone else. Selfishness! My H felt neglected after my teenage daughter had a baby. He felt as though I didn't love him anymore. He is the type of person where all the attention needs to be on him though so what he had said was a load of baloney. Link to post Share on other sites
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