The rest of MY STORY (also long)

[LisaUk]

I'm trying TIY but very hard to find the positives in all of this. I do like learning about myself, and I have learned a lot, but right now everything is very negative to me. It will pass I'm sure. Just seems like I'm lost and don't know what to do next. 30 days left seems like there is something else I should be trying, a last ditch attempt, if I only knew what that was.

TOJAZ

 

You are doing it, NC, live your life for you not her! If she sees it and wants you, she'll come back, if not, what else can you do? You're feeling numb but also powerless? You're not powerless, you can fight this indirectly just by living your life. I know it sounds silly, hard to see, it did to me until this morning, I keep reading TIY and Owls advice over again, it's like a light bulb moment. Prada Junkie makes some good points too, find the joy in life for you, not her. Do you see? Read some of TIY and Owls posts again.

 

Did she call/text today?

How is your friend?

[tojaz]

You are doing it, NC, live your life for you not her! If she sees it and wants you, she'll come back, if not, what else can you do? You're feeling numb but also powerless? You're not powerless, you can fight this indirectly just by living your life. I know it sounds silly, hard to see, it did to me until this morning, I keep reading TIY and Owls advice over again, it's like a light bulb moment. Prada Junkie makes some good points too, find the joy in life for you, not her. Do you see? Read some of TIY and Owls posts again.

 

Did she call/text today?

How is your friend?

 

I'm not sure how Allie (my friends name) is. The doctors have told me that from here on they can only give updates to her imediate family. I fear that means something terrible has happened. I haven't been able to get her mom on the phone all day, a first in the six months shes been in the hospital. I'm literally a bag of nerves right now. It is taking me forever just to type this.

 

She didnt call or text. I drove by her apartment( its near my work) and saw her car there. I sat for awhile wanting very much to call her but decided not to so I went home. She left me a voicemail yesterday before we spoke. I must have listened to her voice about a dozen times today. I am really regressing in a lot of ways. I hate that fact, but can't seem to stop. Through this whole thing, I have never been this low for this long.

 

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

I'm not sure how Allie (my friends name) is. The doctors have told me that from here on they can only give updates to her imediate family. I fear that means something terrible has happened. I haven't been able to get her mom on the phone all day, a first in the six months shes been in the hospital. I'm literally a bag of nerves right now. It is taking me forever just to type this.

 

She didnt call or text. I drove by her apartment( its near my work) and saw her car there. I sat for awhile wanting very much to call her but decided not to so I went home. She left me a voicemail yesterday before we spoke. I must have listened to her voice about a dozen times today. I am really regressing in a lot of ways. I hate that fact, but can't seem to stop. Through this whole thing, I have never been this low for this long.

 

TOJAZ

 

Oh God, I really hope she is going to be ok.

 

Tojaz, it's ok to have a bad day, she only got the rest of stuff at the weekend and you have a lot of other worry and upset going on in your life as well. We all have ups and downs, no ryhme or reason to it. You did really well not calling her, you know it would only have caused you more pain right? You are strong for stopping yourself and you did the right thing.

[tojaz]

I know I did the right thing. It's why I wanted to call her that bothered me. It was just for her voice. It wouldn't have mattered what she said. Like clinging to the voicemail. She has said that I was totaly dependant on her. One of the things she didn't like. I never really felt that way until today. How much strength can i really have if I am pathetic enough to listen to a voicemail a dozen times. Pursue someone who dosen't love me. Hates me in fact yet takes pity on me. Makes me think she was right about everything.

[TrustInYourself]

I know I did the right thing. It's why I wanted to call her that bothered me. It was just for her voice. It wouldn't have mattered what she said. Like clinging to the voicemail. She has said that I was totaly dependant on her. One of the things she didn't like. I never really felt that way until today. How much strength can i really have if I am pathetic enough to listen to a voicemail a dozen times. Pursue someone who dosen't love me. Hates me in fact yet takes pity on me. Makes me think she was right about everything.

 

So you see the truth in what she's saying. It's pretty simple what you have to do.

 

Cut the cord. Live for yourself. Create happiness. It's an outlook. A perspective. If you get crapped on, do you choose to cry about it or do you do something about it?

 

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% perspective. You have people who survived the holocaust and some of them question daily why me, and others go on to live life to the fullest thankful for every day afforded them.

 

Who are you going to be? It's that simple.

 

You want to make a change in your life. Take a look in the mirror and make the change. Props to MJ on that one, lol. It's true though.

[tojaz]

So you see the truth in what she's saying. It's pretty simple what you have to do.

 

Cut the cord. Live for yourself. Create happiness. It's an outlook. A perspective. If you get crapped on, do you choose to cry about it or do you do something about it?

 

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% perspective. You have people who survived the holocaust and some of them question daily why me, and others go on to live life to the fullest thankful for every day afforded them.

 

Who are you going to be? It's that simple.

 

You want to make a change in your life. Take a look in the mirror and make the change. Props to MJ on that one, lol. It's true though.

 

Yes, I do unfortunately the other edge of that sword justifies what she has done. Gives validity to everything. I can admit that right now I do need her, but she isn't here so i must go it alone. That will be healthy in the long run, but right now I feel like I'm on the verge of some sort of mental breakdown.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Yes, I do unfortunately the other edge of that sword justifies what she has done. Gives validity to everything. I can admit that right now I do need her, but she isn't here so i must go it alone. That will be healthy in the long run, but right now I feel like I'm on the verge of some sort of mental breakdown.

TOJAZ

 

Listening to her voicemail does not mean you are dependant on her. You love her, your in love with her, you are missing her. When someone dies, do their spouses not hold a piece of their clothing when the sleep, smell their perfume, listen to the answerphone message. Of course they do, it's loss. You are experiencing loss. Loss of someone you loved deeply. It's called grief, so no, this does not justify her words or actions. Like I've said many times before, anyone with any respect, integrity, empathy, compassion, would not walk away without trying. You're finding it hard to let go, we have all been there, it doesn't make you weak or mentally ill or dependant, it just means your human, you have the capacity to love and that is a wonderful thing.

[tojaz]

Listening to her voicemail does not mean you are dependant on her. You love her, your in love with her, you are missing her. When someone dies, do their spouses not hold a piece of their clothing when the sleep, smell their perfume, listen to the answerphone message. Of course they do, it's loss. You are experiencing loss. Loss of someone you loved deeply. It's called grief, so no, this does not justify her words or actions. Like I've said many times before, anyone with any respect, integrity, empathy, compassion, would not walk away without trying. You're finding it hard to let go, we have all been there, it doesn't make you weak or mentally ill or dependant, it just means your human, you have the capacity to love and that is a wonderful thing.

 

I have done all of these. It is loss, but I do them to comfort myself through the other hardships. I take comfort in her or rather in her memory now. I did draw a certain amount of strength from her. I had always felt we did that for each other. Now in coping with the potential loss of my best friend, I am trying to take comfort and draw strength from her and in losing her I would have taken comfort and strength from my friend. Now i am losing both and lookin for strength from within. Unfortunately, I am not finding it.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

I have done all of these. It is loss, but I do them to comfort myself through the other hardships. I take comfort in her or rather in her memory now. I did draw a certain amount of strength from her. I had always felt we did that for each other. Now in coping with the potential loss of my best friend, I am trying to take comfort and draw strength from her and in losing her I would have taken comfort and strength from my friend. Now i am losing both and lookin for strength from within. Unfortunately, I am not finding it.

TOJAZ

 

My parents have been married for 44 years, you know what my dad said to me the other day, we depend on each other, we relie on each other, we support each other.

 

Marriage is a union, by it's very essence in religion "the joining of two bodies, where two become one, one union, one person" (I would have to get the bible out for the exact words.) The whole point of it is so you don't go through life alone, so you are united, you draw strength from each other and face life and move through it as one. Your spouse is your family. Do you think it strange that a child relies on it's mother, then in old age the mother relies on that same child? Or that family relie on each other in times of need?

 

Dependancy is when someone cannot function on a regular or daily basis or live without the other, you can live without her, but you have only jost lost her, so you are feeling acute loss, it feels like you can't live without her, but you will in time. For you, it's a double blow, the person you relied on in times of need (completely normal), has gone and now your faced with another potential loss. Of course you are finding it hard, it does not mean that you were unhealthly dependant on her.

[tojaz]

My parents have been married for 44 years, you know what my dad said to me the other day, we depend on each other, we relie on each other, we support each other.

 

Marriage is a union, by it's very essence in religion "the joining of two bodies, where two become one, one union, one person" (I would have to get the bible out for the exact words.) The whole point of it is so you don't go through life alone, so you are united, you draw strength from each other and face life and move through it as one. Your spouse is your family. Do you think it strange that a child relies on it's mother, then in old age the mother relies on that same child? Or that family relie on each other in times of need?

 

Dependancy is when someone cannot function on a regular or daily basis or live without the other, you can live without her, but you have only jost lost her, so you are feeling acute loss, it feels like you can't live without her, but you will in time. For you, it's a double blow, the person you relied on in times of need (completely normal), has gone and now your faced with another potential loss. Of course you are finding it hard, it does not mean that you were unhealthly dependant on her.

 

I hope not!! I have always felt that we should be able to rely on eachother. It just seems that it is not convenient for her anymore. That is even more of a blow really, to know that I have been cast aside like that. That she "dosen't want to have to worry about me anymore".

[LisaUk]

I hope not!! I have always felt that we should be able to rely on eachother. It just seems that it is not convenient for her anymore. That is even more of a blow really, to know that I have been cast aside like that. That she "dosen't want to have to worry about me anymore".

 

Perhaps I misconstrued your early posts, I thought you were suggesting that being dependant was an unhealthy thing, so I was trying to make the point that it isn't. Sorry, my mistake.

 

It's her loss Tojaz, if she can't see you for the loving, loyal, caring, devoted person you are, then she is blind.

 

You are worth so much more than the way she has treated you. You have shown you are capable of true devoted love, she isn't, she's like my ex in that respect, she wants it her way, perfect, she doesn't want to work fo rthat though, and unfortunately anything worth doing in life is never easy. A relationship that is perfect (that doesn't exist of course), has no meaning, it's superfical, all relationships require work, it is the work and devotion to work at it that gives it depth and meaning. Your wife bailed, she didn't want to put in the graft! That says so much more about her than it does you. You are worth more than her, you deserve someone who accepts you for your faults as much as your good points and loves you for all of you. Someone who will work at things with you and at life, someone who is on your side and knows your heart.

 

You are having a tough time at the moment, it's understandable.

 

Stay strong.

[tojaz]

Perhaps I misconstrued your early posts, I thought you were suggesting that being dependant was an unhealthy thing, so I was trying to make the point that it isn't. Sorry, my mistake.

 

It's her loss Tojaz, if she can't see you for the loving, loyal, caring, devoted person you are, then she is blind.

 

You are worth so much more than the way she has treated you. You have shown you are capable of true devoted love, she isn't, she's like my ex in that respect, she wants it her way, perfect, she doesn't want to work fo rthat though, and unfortunately anything worth doing in life is never easy. A relationship that is perfect (that doesn't exist of course), has no meaning, it's superfical, all relationships require work, it is the work and devotion to work at it that gives it depth and meaning. Your wife bailed, she didn't want to put in the graft! That says so much more about her than it does you. You are worth more than her, you deserve someone who accepts you for your faults as much as your good points and loves you for all of you. Someone who will work at things with you and at life, someone who is on your side and knows your heart.

 

You are having a tough time at the moment, it's understandable.

 

Stay strong.

:love: Thanks for that, it's all true. I guess its too easy to lose sight of that. Thanks for reminding me,

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Morning Tojaz, hope you are ok this morning?

[giotto]

Obviously, no Messenger installed yet...

[LisaUk]

No, not yet, still working on it! Sorry!

[tojaz]

I'm alright, actually slept in a little

[tojaz]

The wife called last night. Just to check up I guess. We talked for awhile, but nothing to heavy. She said something that caught my attention for a moment. In talking about her getting E-mails from my friend, and what my friend thinks of her, She said "I know I did wrong" I asked her if she believes that and she said she did. I didn't push the subject, but it left me wondering what she meant. She was very critical of herself the whole time, like she worried about my opinion of her, even though I never expressed anything like that. She said, "I'm not subhuman" several times. I just replied that I never said she was, which is true. What is going on?

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

The wife called last night. Just to check up I guess. We talked for awhile, but nothing to heavy. She said something that caught my attention for a moment. In talking about her getting E-mails from my friend, and what my friend thinks of her, She said "I know I did wrong" I asked her if she believes that and she said she did. I didn't push the subject, but it left me wondering what she meant. She was very critical of herself the whole time, like she worried about my opinion of her, even though I never expressed anything like that. She said, "I'm not subhuman" several times. I just replied that I never said she was, which is true. What is going on?

TOJAZ

 

I had a similar experience with my ex a couple of weeks after he left. My solicitor told me to stay in the house until he paid me for my share. He said on the phone, why, what do you think I'm going to do, not pay? I'm still an honurable person. I figured someone, who I don't know, pointed out to him that jilting me is very dishonourable.

 

Perhaps your friend has pointed out some home truths to her about the way she has behaved. I hope so, someone should. I really hope it has an effect on her, it hasn't my ex, but hopefully it will here?

[tojaz]

Oh, I doubt it. I think she more or less, just dosent want to be the bad guy or something. Like I'm just going to wake up and say she was right and it's all for the best, and just forget the whole thing. That seems to be what she wants. To just forget about me and live her new life. Except she keeps checking in. I like that she checks up, just can't understand why after all she's said. It probably just dosen't mean anything, just me hanging on I guess.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Oh, I doubt it. I think she more or less, just dosent want to be the bad guy or something. Like I'm just going to wake up and say she was right and it's all for the best, and just forget the whole thing. That seems to be what she wants. To just forget about me and live her new life. Except she keeps checking in. I like that she checks up, just can't understand why after all she's said. It probably just dosen't mean anything, just me hanging on I guess.

TOJAZ

 

Only time will tell, just keep living for you, not her, you've seen what that's done and is doing for Lupa and it's what TIY advises. Quit trying to tell her you have changed, you'll improve, you'll work it out with her. Just get on with your life, hopefully she'll see it and want to try again, that's all you can do.

[tojaz]

Only time will tell, just keep living for you, not her, you've seen what that's done and is doing for Lupa and it's what TIY advises. Quit trying to tell her you have changed, you'll improve, you'll work it out with her. Just get on with your life, hopefully she'll see it and want to try again, that's all you can do.

 

Time unfortunately is in short supply (29 days) I am living for myself for the most part. Not totally I can admit. I just don't have it in my to spend any more energy on this. Too many other "storms of life" to deal with right now. No point in fighting a losing battle. Yet here I am, looking for meaning in every word she says .She says shes coming over tomorrow. Made me a DVD of our pictures from her computer. Shes being awfully nice all of a sudden. :confused: Wonder if its pity for what i'm going through or something more?? Here i go again

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

Time unfortunately is in short supply (29 days) I am living for myself for the most part. Not totally I can admit. I just don't have it in my to spend any more energy on this. Too many other "storms of life" to deal with right now. No point in fighting a losing battle. Yet here I am, looking for meaning in every word she says .She says shes coming over tomorrow. Made me a DVD of our pictures from her computer. Shes being awfully nice all of a sudden. :confused: Wonder if its pity for what i'm going through or something more?? Here i go again

TOJAZ

 

Expectations kill. There are no losing battles. Only battles you choose to fight and not fight. The only time limits are the ones you create for yourself.

 

It ends when you want it to end. Keep your head up.

[tojaz]

Expectations kill. There are no losing battles. Only battles you choose to fight and not fight. The only time limits are the ones you create for yourself.

 

It ends when you want it to end. Keep your head up.

 

Ok, I get the battles bit, and your right I suppose. But the time limit is very real. Unless I'm missing something. I know I should detach and can end the pain that way,thus making it end when i want it to end I'm just not 100% ready for that although I'm not pursuing he anymore. The marriage ends when she wants it to end (29 days).

 

I'm trying to keep my head up, had a much better day today then the last few. Just want to know if I'm reading too much into these recent gestures or if there may be something to it. She made a point to tell me how good I look the other day, then the "I know I did wrong" comment and now making a DVD. She thought I was pure evil a couple of weeks ago.

 

Guess I am still fighting the battle. DAMMIT!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

I don't know Tojaz, my ex didn't do anything like this, nothing nice, when he forwarded my mail he didn't even bother to put the correct postage on it, so I had to pay a duty and collect it form the mail office. She does appear to be being thoughtful, but it could be guilt or it could be because for selfish reasons she wants to keep a hold of part of you, as friends.

 

See how it goes tonight, but perhaps it is time for you to consider NC. I understand now why it is helpful, it allows you to build some distance and to clear your thoughts. However, I think perhaps you are not ready to give up the fight yet and these gestures are just making it harder for you to do so, she is providing you with hope, yet we don't know if that is her intention? If it isn't, she is actually being incrediably cruel, although she probably doesn't realise it.

 

Maybe you should ask her outright? Then again, if she says no there isn't any hope than you will have lost that as well, but at least it will enable you to intiate NC and hopefuly start to move forwards. Only you know how you want to procede with this and it's a difficult decision to make, I know, I've been there in a way.

[tojaz]

I don't know Tojaz, my ex didn't do anything like this, nothing nice, when he forwarded my mail he didn't even bother to put the correct postage on it, so I had to pay a duty and collect it form the mail office. She does appear to be being thoughtful, but it could be guilt or it could be because for selfish reasons she wants to keep a hold of part of you, as friends.

 

See how it goes tonight, but perhaps it is time for you to consider NC. I understand now why it is helpful, it allows you to build some distance and to clear your thoughts. However, I think perhaps you are not ready to give up the fight yet and these gestures are just making it harder for you to do so, she is providing you with hope, yet we don't know if that is her intention? If it isn't, she is actually being incrediably cruel, although she probably doesn't realise it.

 

Maybe you should ask her outright? Then again, if she says no there isn't any hope than you will have lost that as well, but at least it will enable you to intiate NC and hopefuly start to move forwards. Only you know how you want to procede with this and it's a difficult decision to make, I know, I've been there in a way.

 

Well, I have been doing NC. Not as a tactic as much as self preservation really. The stress of all this is unbearable and just letting it go was the best thing. Now that shes moving out, I'm right back in contact. She dosen't have much help so shes going car load by car load. Last weekend was the first time I had seen her in weeks. I thought I was ready, accepted she was gone and pretty content by myself, until I saw her. She's being so nice right now that it's more like she used to be then the woman who is divorcing me. It's probably just guilt or pity, but the part of me that still looks for hope just won't let it go. Just finds signals in everything. I just wish I knew what she was thinking, but I'm not even sure she knows right now.

TOJAZ