The rest of MY STORY (also long)

[giotto]

She made a point to tell me how good I look the other day, then the "I know I did wrong" comment and now making a DVD. She thought I was pure evil a couple of weeks ago.

 

 

She feels guilty about hurting you... it's normal after 29 days... after the heat of the moment, she can now see that her actions were like napalm to you... that doesn't mean she's coming back to you... she has to relieve her conscience one way or another... keep it up, tojaz, you are doing well...

[tojaz]

Thanks Giotto, I was afraid someone was going to say that, but your probably right. It sure dosen't feel like I'm doing well.

TOJAZ

[spr8ted]

She feels guilty about hurting you... it's normal after 29 days... after the heat of the moment, she can now see that her actions were like napalm to you... that doesn't mean she's coming back to you... she has to relieve her conscience one way or another... keep it up, tojaz, you are doing well...

Been lurking here for a while and I can relate with this statement. My wife and I separated about 11 weeks ago and she has been all over the map with her feelings towards me. Most of the time she is pi$$ed at me and vindictive and then out of the blue she is nicer to me than she was the whole time we have been married (16 yrs). I figured out years ago that when she is nice to me, it is for her own selfish reasons which sometimes are obvious and sometimes not so obvious. Keep your guard up and don't let her fool you.

[SRV]

 

I'm trying to keep my head up, had a much better day today then the last few. Just want to know if I'm reading too much into these recent gestures or if there may be something to it. She made a point to tell me how good I look the other day, then the "I know I did wrong" comment and now making a DVD. She thought I was pure evil a couple of weeks ago.

 

Guess I am still fighting the battle. DAMMIT!

TOJAZ

 

She is trying to alleviate her guilt by making nice with you or towards you.

 

I would keep contact with her to a bare minimum. Her actions and not words need to depict whether she will or is ready to reconcile.

 

Try as much as possible to detach yourself emotionally. This can be achieved by as little contact with her as possible and controlling the kind of conversations that you have with her.

 

Good luck!

[LisaUk]

Tojaz, just wanted to ask how Allie is?

 

Aplogies to everyone else for going off topic.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, just wanted to ask how Allie is?

 

Aplogies to everyone else for going off topic.

 

Allison passed away, at about 3:00p.m. today. We had been best friends for close to 20 years. I probably won't post much tonight. Please say a prayer for her family.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

Allison passed away, at about 3:00p.m. today. We had been best friends for close to 20 years. I probably won't post much tonight. Please say a prayer for her family.

TOJAZ

 

will do. sorry to read this, man. i'm saying a prayer for you, as well.

[Gunny376]

My sorrows for your loss!

[LisaUk]

Tojaz, I am so sorry for your loss. I will say a prayer for her family and for you. Thinking of you.

[tojaz]

Thank you everybody for your thoughts. I have a lot to write, but not quite ready to put it all down. I'm going to check in on everybody else first.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Tojaz, I've seen you hoping around the other threads, I do hope you are doing as well as you can be expected, thinking of you.

[tojaz]

I do not wish this on anybody. I truly don't know how i have kept my head in all this. A few times I didn't. Yesterday morning I recieved a call at about 5:30 A.M. telling me that Allie was in very poor condition and her doctors did not expect her to survive a week. I was devastated. Called anybody I thought would be available, just to talk, at that hour, nobody was answering the phone. The last person I tried was my wife, out of desperation and because she really seemed to care about this. No answer, left a voicemail.

 

So I decided to get to work early, just to get my mind working. On the way, things get worse for me, and once again out of desperation, I drive to my wifes apartment, it's now 6:30 a.m......her car isn't there. I finish the drive to work and find a private place to collapse. After composing myself, I just try to get through the work day, a few hours later the wife calls, she says she just woke up and is returning my call. I explain Allies situation and then told her I went to her apartment. Silence for a bit, then she says she stayed at a friends because she had to much to drink. I literally could not speak and hung up. She texted me and tried to call a few times, I put the phone away because the thoughts i was having, brought me to my knees.

 

Later that afternoon, I accept a call from her. We talk and the conversation turns to us, I don't know how, but I'm sure I did it. At this point my emotions are out of control, I just spilled everything I was feeling on her. I don't even remember what all I said, probably don't want to. I ended up hanging up again.

 

She texts a little later to tell me she is going to the house to drop off a book she bought me and a DVD with all our pictures from her computer. I don't know why, but I asked her to wait for me then real quick change my mind. About that time, I get the call that Allie has passed on. I fell to my knees in the middle of work and cried. I once again asked the wife to wait and once again changed my mind. My head is swiming now and more then anything want to be with her, yet don't for fear of which wife will be waiting for me. We text back and forth weather or not she should wait and she finaly decides to go.

 

As I'm leaving work she writes me that she dosen't think I should drive all the way home and should stay at her apartment for awhile. I considered it, but didn't think I could bear to see where her life without me is taking place, I could hardly drive as it was. We talked on the phone, I don't remember about what, and we pass each other going opposite directions. She turned around to make sure I got home alright.

 

When I get home, I park the car as quickly as I can and get inside and fall to the floor in a heap. The hour drive felt like I had driven cross country. She arrives and tries her best to comfort me, while keeping me at a distance. Comfort, but not to comfortable. We talked and once again the talk turns to us. My fault i'm sure, had been drinking. The night ends with her upset and leaving me there, I spent the rest of the night on the floor taking turns crying for Allie and crying for my wife alone.

 

This morning, I am not much better. I text her early to apologize for whatever I said that upset her. She was genuinely trying to comfort me and I drove her away when I needed her most. She calls later, and I cannot speak well. She texts later, but texts just remind me how uncomfortable I make her and beg her to stop, then spent the rest of the day hoping she'd call, but hoping she didn't. I have finaly lost my mind!!!

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here, and I'm sorry this is so long, rambling, and pointless. It helps to put this here, if you have read this far thank you.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Tojaz, or course I've read this far! You have experienced a huge loss, your feelings are completely understandable, don't beat yourself up for talking to your wife re your marriage. I really feel for you, you are dealing with losing two people in your life that you cared for and loved deeply. I want to help, but am not sure what I can say to help ease your pain, there probably isn't anything right now. Just feel what you feel, put yourself first and cry let it out. That is all you can do right now. Can you go to your family, I think you need to be with those who love you unconditionally right now?

[tojaz]

Thank you, and I have been to my family. This whole situation has just stood to stir up wounds that i thought where starting to heal. My family and friends have been of great comfort, but to be honest, I only felt at ease while she was here, holding me and comforting me. I am at my worst, and I need her the most. One of very few points in my life that i have felt I truly "needed" anyone, and she is gone. It is like it has all started over again, day one!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Thank you, and I have been to my family. This whole situation has just stood to stir up wounds that i thought where starting to heal. My family and friends have been of great comfort, but to be honest, I only felt at ease while she was here, holding me and comforting me. I am at my worst, and I need her the most. One of very few points in my life that i have felt I truly "needed" anyone, and she is gone. It is like it has all started over again, day one!

TOJAZ[/quote

 

I understand, of course it's going to open up old wounds. Keep posting Tojaz.

[tojaz]

Well, she didn't bother to call. I'm coming to the realization that her comforting me, was just for her. Her dad came into town and that was it, all the concern and care she has been giving me the last couple of days comes to a dead stop, as soon as something else occupied her time. I guess I really don't matter to her anymore. Even in my time of need.

 

I took her mail to her yesterday at her new place. I just needed an excuse to get out of the house, to see her. She never asked me up, I never even got out of my truck. I don't know what I expected. I just remember sitting and comforting her when her cat passed after 20 odd years. We both cried and I held her until she fell asleep. I lost my best friend and she is all I have, and this is what I get. If I can see this all so clearly, why do I still love her, why do I still want her? I do, with all my heart and want very much not to, but I can't shut it off. I need to grieve for my friend, but al I can do is wonder if my wife is safe, if she locks the doors etc. WHY WON'T IT STOP!:o:o

TOJAZ

[Derek12b]

Tojaz, I'm doing the same thing you are and emotionally all over the board. I haven't slept in over 36 hours and my kids will be up here in a minute. Read my last post to catch up. I want mine to stop too but when the divorce gets going it will even get worse I bet. After this is overwith, no woman will do this to me again.

[MrMayI]

tojaz, i am praying for you, man. please just take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. take care of yourself.

[tojaz]

I'm trying MayI, believe me I'm trying.

 

It takes something like this to realize how alone I am. As sad as it is, the best support I'm getting right now, is right here. Sitting alone with my laptop on the fourth, just hoping for a holiday greeting or a check in from her. Just a gesture that she cares, not even looking for love or my wife, just a shoulder i guess. Most of my family has looked to me for support. I spent all day driving yesterday, just looking for someplace to unload my troubles for awhile, I ended up picking up more. My parents, my relatives, all so wrapped up in there own lives, and accustomed to leaning on me. I've done this for many years, gladly because it didn't take much to prop me up. A kind word from her was all it took to keep me strong in the face of that. Now I have nothing to prop myself up, she is gone, living her new life. Yet i still take these burdens, and some of hers and try to stand alone. I have survived thus far but weaken more everyday. I feel like these shoulders can carry no more, yet wherever I turn for relief, just adds more weight. Just very depressed today i guess, need to get back on track. Hoping helping others here will help me do that.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

I'm trying MayI, believe me I'm trying.

 

It takes something like this to realize how alone I am. As sad as it is, the best support I'm getting right now, is right here. Sitting alone with my laptop on the fourth, just hoping for a holiday greeting or a check in from her. Just a gesture that she cares, not even looking for love or my wife, just a shoulder i guess. Most of my family has looked to me for support. I spent all day driving yesterday, just looking for someplace to unload my troubles for awhile, I ended up picking up more. My parents, my relatives, all so wrapped up in there own lives, and accustomed to leaning on me. I've done this for many years, gladly because it didn't take much to prop me up. A kind word from her was all it took to keep me strong in the face of that. Now I have nothing to prop myself up, she is gone, living her new life. Yet i still take these burdens, and some of hers and try to stand alone. I have survived thus far but weaken more everyday. I feel like these shoulders can carry no more, yet wherever I turn for relief, just adds more weight. Just very depressed today i guess, need to get back on track. Hoping helping others here will help me do that.

TOJAZ

It's a big world out there, toj, and one day you and me are going to go exploring. I know that time is ticking by so slowly and each second has an inscrutable eternity, I know people tell you to get a hobby and work on yourself, and I know you just can't understand how this could happen. I know that you are never going to fully recover from this, that part of you has been taken.

 

But I also know that eventually you are going to recover your strength, I know you are going to be able to shoulder these burdens again. I know you are going to wake up one morning and not grieve all over again for the same thing you have been grieving for your own eternity. I know it, I just can't tell you when.

 

One foot in front of the other, man, and we'll get out of here together.

[tojaz]

Thanks Lupa, i needed that. Just a lot to digest right now and feeling overwhelmed.

[lupa]

Thanks Lupa, i needed that. Just a lot to digest right now and feeling overwhelmed.

Amen, brother, me too. The 4th of July was always such a big deal for me, and now there is just a hollowness right through my center.

 

But at least I know you're there, people are there, and I may feel lonely, but I'm not alone.

 

You're not alone either.

[tojaz]

I appreciate that lupa, i always looke dforward to the 4th. Family tradition and always a happy time. Now going alone just seems tainted. This day will just not move. It seems like I have been here forever, and it isn't even noon yet. I hate being alone, guess thats why I,m here.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Well, she didn't bother to call. I'm coming to the realization that her comforting me, was just for her. Her dad came into town and that was it, all the concern and care she has been giving me the last couple of days comes to a dead stop, as soon as something else occupied her time. I guess I really don't matter to her anymore. Even in my time of need.

 

I took her mail to her yesterday at her new place. I just needed an excuse to get out of the house, to see her. She never asked me up, I never even got out of my truck. I don't know what I expected. I just remember sitting and comforting her when her cat passed after 20 odd years. We both cried and I held her until she fell asleep. I lost my best friend and she is all I have, and this is what I get. If I can see this all so clearly, why do I still love her, why do I still want her? I do, with all my heart and want very much not to, but I can't shut it off. I need to grieve for my friend, but al I can do is wonder if my wife is safe, if she locks the doors etc. WHY WON'T IT STOP!:o:o

TOJAZ

 

Hi Tojaz, even though you see this version of her now, it doesn't mean that you can stop loving her, that's why it won't stop. This women is not your wife. The person you love is the person you believed her to be, that's who you are mourning, this other women is not that person.

 

I do know how you feel, I to have had this problem, but the more I have delved into our relationship, in particular his behaviour during our relationship, (I have looked at mine as well),I have discovered that I have been blind. They say love is blind and the more I educate mysellf, the more I have found that I was blinded to who he really was. I think I have been able to do this for serveral reasons, firstly I have been NC totally for 3 weeks now, I really understand it's importance, it saves all the constant hurtful words and actions being hurled at you, secondly, it has allowed me some time and space to go over our relationship with clarity, thirdly, it's trite I know, but time alone has helped. I'm not saying I don't still want him, I'm not saying I don't still get waves of missing him, but the feelings aren't constant now. I slept well for the first time last night in nearly 4 months. I went to bed and went to sleep quickly, I did not dream of him, I did not wake in the night and I did not wake early.

 

I really believe that as hard as it is you need to go total NC. It's tough, I'm not denying it, but it really does start to make you look at things differently. You have talked a lot about your part in the breakdown of your marriage, what about her part in it? Have you looked at her behaviours in light of her current ones? Have you thought about how she was in your relationship, maybe things that bothered you on a sub-concious level, now is the time to bring these to the forefront of your mind. Do some research about her behaviours on the web, you may be surprised what you learn about your wife?

 

No one is perfect, none of us, you loved your wife deeply, just as I loved my ex deeply, turns out on closer reflection my love for my ex allowed me to look past a lot of his behaviours and they were a lot bigger and shocking in some cases, than I thought. You remember something they did/said that at the time you felt a bit uncomfortable with, on closer inspection you may just find there was much more to it than you were willing to allow yourself to beleive when it was occuring.

 

Keep posting, you're not alone and I'll wish you Happy Independance day!

[LisaUk]

I know people tell you to get a hobby and work on yourself, and I know you just can't understand how this could happen.

 

I couldn't see this either, I'm starting to now, it's about finding something you apprecaite in life, doesn't have to be something huge, it's about remembering who you are and what life has to offer.