Plan H (healing)...

[DNU1]

Well, it's been a strange rollercoaster this weekend. Saturday morning my STBx posts a thread over on another forum. I'm pretty regular on that forum so I like to read the 'newbies' posts.

 

I read two sentences and know EXACTLY who it is! It's her! While it's good to see her, I'm a bit confused and nervous. Later that day she tells me she's been nosing around the site for over a week...and saw my thread(!)

 

While part of me says "no big deal...nothing to hide" another part of me thinks, "man, her atty will most definately see those posts and try to use against me in court."

 

Rollercoaster...

 

She gets probably 200 replies over the weekend on her thread, most peeps bashing on her for what she has done. Some are giving her good advice and trying to help her heal herself, heal me, work through the divorce, do the right thing.

 

When I first saw she had found that site I immediately came here and asked that my thread be deleted...then I thought, "nope, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing!" So while one of my threads is gone, the rest remain.

 

My atty tells me that I don't have much to worry about, since I used forms like these for past six months as a sounding board and venting place. Remember, I told NO ONE at DDay#2 back in December. Boards like this one were the ONLY places I had to talk to people.

 

So here I am, starting yet another new thread. Make no mistakes...the divorce moves foward, even though my STBx continues to ask if she can do ANYTHING to recover this marriage.

 

I give her credit, she's taking actions to heal herself and help heal me. She's met with our pastor and told him the whole story, met with friends of hers, will be doing phone counseling with Dr. Harley himself, and actaully has times set up to speak with my parents, brother/sil, sister to tell them how sorry she is about all of this.

 

Those actions are good to see from her personal growth standpoint. But something still naggs at me. The truth. Something still twists and turns in the pit of my gut, telling me that there is more truth out there that i do not know about. It might be ever so small, such as a brief contact with DrX that she lied about. Or it might be yet another DDay(?)

 

At this point in time I dont' think it matters at all in my mind. I am divorcing her and am trying to drain my lovebank for her.

 

Right now, today, I just want the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I'd like her to submit to a polygraph and either come clean with whatever is still out there, or verify that what she has told me is the whole truth.

 

That's all. That will help me heal more than anything else right now.

 

She moves out this Friday. Enough for now. Need to take the truck in for service. Take care my peeps. D.

[Spark1111]

GOOD DNU! If you live by, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, you should continue to be able to not live in fear.

 

No, you probably do not have the whole truth, and maybe never will. Not only do cheaters lie to others, they also lie to themselves. As she embarks on the healing process, many memories and actions of her past will be blocked as a protection to her newly developing awareness, and god willing, conscience.

 

Often times, it really is no longer an attempt to decieve you, it is just an inability to deal with the true pain they have caused others.

 

Can you accept that you may NEVER have all the pieces to the puzzle that was your marital relationship? You probably will not get them all.

 

Good luck to you. The truth of her commitment to change will be evident years down the road, not today or tomorrow as she is still reeling from the consequences of her actionsI wish you peace.

[DNU1]

Thanks Spark1111.

 

I really don't think she has any clue about this site and my postings here. And even if she did, I got nothing to hide.

 

Yes, I probably said mean and rotten things about her here -- serial liar, serial cheater, POS, will never come clean, etc. But I keep reminding myself...she had FOUR OMs throughout our marriage that I know about. I think I'm entitied to show a little bitterness and resentment somewhere.

 

And I have not shown that bitterness to anyone else besides this and one other forum. I didn't even tell my family about DDay#2 back in Dec. I just hunkered down, posted on forums and tried to salvage my marraige.

 

Yes, I may never know the complete truth. I'm okay with that in some way. BUt in another way I think I deserve to know the truth. Since DDay#3 I've gone back in my mind and questioned everythign about our marriage. Without the complete truth about our marriage, I think it will continue to be a complete lie to me. How can I really know if there were other men in her life besides the four taht I know of?

 

How can I look back on any pictures from our marriage and not wonder just what other man was in her mind?

 

No, I may never know the whole truth. And any words that come from her mouth are just words...until she ponys up and sits down for a polygraph. I believe that is the only way I'm going to know for sure what the whole and complete truth is.

 

I don't expect her to ever volunteer for the poly...but I can hope.

[jmargel]

DNU, when you get lied to for so long and you don't have any base for trust it's common for your imagination to run wild. There might not be anymore 'truths' out there to discover. Just consider that for awhile.

 

It actually sounds like she is taking all the steps she needs not only to want to work on this marriage but to work on herself which is the important part. I'm not saying to get back together with her, but what I am saying is that by her continuing to do the things she has, she will be the woman once again that you fell in love with.

 

That process takes a very long time though, and it's upto you to decide whether you will wait for that to happen. I really think at this point you need to see a counselor about getting over your hurt.

 

When these things happened to me, what I needed most was answers. I found out that I needed these answers so that I know what to look for, what to be aware of so that I can try to stop it from happening again. I never wanted to experience the pain that I did again. However since you have these notions that there are truths untold, then your answers will never be complete. This then sums up that you fear of this happening to you again if you don't go through with this.

 

If she took a polygraph and she passes, would you want her to take another one in 6 months because either you think the test was faulty or perhaps she has done something since?

 

See where I am getting at? You most likely will never feel secure enough in knowing everything about what has happened. I was there myself and in my situation I have felt the same but then I either had to accept the situation and move forward with her or not. I decided to move forward with her, and the next 2-3 years was filled that sort of thinking but it did subside quite a bit. I told her I forgave her for what she's done but I will never accept it. That it all comes down to her accepting responsibility for her actions.

 

And if I did take the other road and not continue with her, I would never have had my beautiful, sweet 1 1/2 year old daughter. To think that she could have never existed because of what happened is just mind boggling.

 

Every relationship/situation is different, re-read the 5 stages of grief you will jump around but the final step is acceptance. You are at peace with the situation and ready to move on with or without her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, it's been a strange rollercoaster this weekend. Saturday morning my STBx posts a thread over on another forum. I'm pretty regular on that forum so I like to read the 'newbies' posts.

 

I read two sentences and know EXACTLY who it is! It's her! While it's good to see her, I'm a bit confused and nervous. Later that day she tells me she's been nosing around the site for over a week...and saw my thread(!)

 

While part of me says "no big deal...nothing to hide" another part of me thinks, "man, her atty will most definately see those posts and try to use against me in court."

 

it wont make a bit of difference in court with regards to the marital assets. and as for custody, well, nothing you can say in a forum will compare to what she has done in real life if you can prove she is keeping your kids away from you and mentally abusing them and poisoning them against you somehow.

 

But if she is doing none of those, she'd get custody anyway...she's the mother, you are the father, you will get screwed out of custody anyway unless you have something concrete on her.

 

 

Rollercoaster...

 

She gets probably 200 replies over the weekend on her thread, most peeps bashing on her for what she has done.

 

well there you go. I don't think she'll use anything from that site against you, cuz looks like nobody agrees with her anyway.

 

 

My atty tells me that I don't have much to worry about, since I used forms like these for past six months as a sounding board and venting place. Remember, I told NO ONE at DDay#2 back in December. Boards like this one were the ONLY places I had to talk to people.

 

good, you make sure your attorney knows EVERYTHING so that way there are no surprises and he/she can represent you well.

 

 

So here I am, starting yet another new thread. Make no mistakes...the divorce moves foward, even though my STBx continues to ask if she can do ANYTHING to recover this marriage.

 

sounds like she is just going through motions so she can say, "but I tried"....ya...she tried alright, and succeeded in having sex with someone else.

 

 

Those actions are good to see from her personal growth standpoint. But something still naggs at me. The truth. Something still twists and turns in the pit of my gut, telling me that there is more truth out there that i do not know about.

 

I know its nagging at you, but you have all the truth you need. Any more details would simply be superfluous.

 

 

Right now, today, I just want the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I'd like her to submit to a polygraph and either come clean with whatever is still out there, or verify that what she has told me is the whole truth.

 

well, she did ask if there was anything she could do to recover the marriage...so just tell her, "take a polygraph"....now I fully realize that it probably won't do a thing to recover the marriage, but hey, at least you'll see if she is willing to do whatever it takes if she is serious about her comment.

 

 

She moves out this Friday.

 

sweet!

[DNU1]

If she took a polygraph and she passes, would you want her to take another one in 6 months because either you think the test was faulty or perhaps she has done something since?

 

I appreciate the reply, but please understand that there will be no recovery in this marriage. It is broken beyond repair...and I cannot put myself in a situation where I cannot trust my wife, or live through yet another DDay. It just can't be.

 

No, I will divorce my STBx. Period.

 

See where I am getting at? You most likely will never feel secure enough in knowing everything about what has happened. I was there myself and in my situation I have felt the same but then I either had to accept the situation and move forward with her or not. I decided to move forward with her, and the next 2-3 years was filled that sort of thinking but it did subside quite a bit. I told her I forgave her for what she's done but I will never accept it. That it all comes down to her accepting responsibility for her actions.

 

I understand your feelings. I had teh same feeling after DDay#1 15 years ago. And yes, it took 2-3 years to get fully over it. And yes, I have two DDs from my marriage. i did tell her I forgave her...

 

But 15 years later it was two more OMs and two more DDays. I cannot live like that.

 

Again, I appreciate your reply. Wanting to "know" is just my way of starting the healing process...or moving it along. I'm in counseling, as are my kiddos and STBx.

[DNU1]

it wont make a bit of difference in court with regards to the marital assets. and as for custody, well, nothing you can say in a forum will compare to what she has done in real life if you can prove she is keeping your kids away from you and mentally abusing them and poisoning them against you somehow.

 

But if she is doing none of those, she'd get custody anyway...she's the mother, you are the father, you will get screwed out of custody anyway unless you have something concrete on her.

 

Yes, I know it doesn't do anything for me in court. And she's already agreed that I get physical custody. I just want to know the truth.

 

I know in some way it's sick and twisted, but It keeps nagging at me. Maybe some day I will find the truth...or I will get to a point where I don't care any more.

 

Today, i would like the truth.

[Owl]

If you haven't, you might consider moving this thread over to the "divorce and seperation" forum rather than keep it here. Just ask one of the mods to do it for you.

 

At this point, that's probably the "best fit" for this.

 

I wish you the best, my friend!

[DNU1]

DNU1:

 

You're divorcing her, so what would be the purpose of having her take a polygraph?

 

The simple truth is that you probably won't ever know the whole story, unless she volunteers it - and you believe it then.

 

If you were 2 insist on a polygraph, you might be giving her false hopes that she can stop the divorce if only she does...

 

See what I mean?

 

-ol' 2long

 

I understand your reply here. It's just my need to know to help the healing process. Just phone counseled with Dr. Harley and he agrees...only when the BS has the complete truth can the wound be completely cleaned out and true healing begin.

[Dexter Morgan]

And she's already agreed that I get physical custody..

 

well thats the only way a father is going to get custody if the mother can't be proven unfit.

 

so why does she want to let you have custody? kids would be an impediment to her romance life?

[jmargel]

DNU,

 

If you did find out more, would it hurt you even more? You can also look at it as a cut. Let the cut go and it will scab over and then eventually heal. If you keep picking at it, the wound will still be there.

 

I think maybe you might be wanting to know *why* she has done this, at least that's the important part. Yes you have a right to know everything, but in reality I highly doubt you'll get a 100% detailed report of what went on. In my situation it still sits in the back of my mind, but you don't dwell on it. It eventually becomes a topic that really isn't worth your time. She has to live with the consequences.

 

Why does she want to give up her kids? Do you think this can turn ugly once it really sinks in that you are divorcing her? If she's that mentally unstable it could easily happen.

 

Perhaps during those 15 years there could have been more men, but the outcome is still going to be the same. So to invest alot of time and resources in trying to find that out is pretty much a waste of time since you are still going through with the divorce.

 

Also, this is a time to reflect on yourself. Use the counseling to figure out what you have done in this marriage that had a negative impact on it. Learn from it and use this knowledge so that it doesn't happen with the next.

[DNU1]

On custody: She' leaves for work @ 6:00 AM every morning and returns when she's done. Some days it's 3, some days it's 8:00 PM. And when she is on-call she has to stay in the other town / apartment over night or for the weekend.

 

And she's never been one to put her family ahead of her job. Job always #1. Never, I repeat, NEVER has missed a day of work for anything. Not sick kid, not sick Dad, not sick herself. Always working.

 

And on knowing...I counseled with Dr. Harley yesterday and he agrees...I need to know teh whole truth to heal properly. And affair is like a deep cut...if you don't clean it ALL out it can get infected down the road and keep nagging at you. Better to just clean it all out now, then let it heal properly.

 

I hope I can get there (knowing all the stuff) but I'm doubtful.

 

We have been trying to find solution to support hearing. I laid all my cards on table...she keeps digging her heels in on a few points. I just want fair and what's best for kiddos. Frustrating.

[Reggie]

well thats the only way a father is going to get custody if the mother can't be proven unfit.

 

so why does she want to let you have custody? kids would be an impediment to her romance life?

 

This is definitely not true. With a long time stay at home dad, he has a good chance if it becomes a battle. Sound moot, in this case anyway. But, this primary caregiver thing has really picked up steam as it applies to men.

[Reggie]

On custody: She' leaves for work @ 6:00 AM every morning and returns when she's done. Some days it's 3, some days it's 8:00 PM. And when she is on-call she has to stay in the other town / apartment over night or for the weekend.

 

And she's never been one to put her family ahead of her job. Job always #1. Never, I repeat, NEVER has missed a day of work for anything. Not sick kid, not sick Dad, not sick herself. Always working.

 

And on knowing...I counseled with Dr. Harley yesterday and he agrees...I need to know teh whole truth to heal properly. And affair is like a deep cut...if you don't clean it ALL out it can get infected down the road and keep nagging at you. Better to just clean it all out now, then let it heal properly.

 

I hope I can get there (knowing all the stuff) but I'm doubtful.

 

We have been trying to find solution to support hearing. I laid all my cards on table...she keeps digging her heels in on a few points. I just want fair and what's best for kiddos. Frustrating.

 

DNUI, there is a great likeliehood that you will never get the full story. You will heal, regardless, although it takes time.

You have much more info than many of us who have moved on. You have 4 affairs that you know of and that should give you some peace of mind re the justification for divorcing.

Also, think of yourself, not just the kids, You should have a good shot at maintenance. Go for it, until you can get back on your feet and into the labor market. Women that have forgone careers do this allthe time. You should, too.

[Chrome Barracuda]

DNU, check this out, your beating a dead horse. Your ot going to get the full truth, she must give it to you when she is finally wanting to make amends. Your sense of closure is knowing that you did everything you could and your wife is a serial cheater, a workaholic, a bad mother and an abomination of a wife.

 

Let her go. Find someone new, focus on your kids and just do you.

 

I'm glad she's giving your custody of the kids, she doesnt deserve them. She hasnt been there for them from what you said of her work schedule.

 

If I was you I'd be happy im getting the kids because no man that loves his family should be ripped apart from his kids.

 

Be brave DNU things are looking up.

[DNU1]

Thanks for the support Reggie. I will have custody of the kiddos (physical custody that is), she just feels that's the right thing to do for them.

 

I'd like to know the whole truth and she hints that there is more out there...but in reality I agree with you that I will probably never hear it all. In some ways I don't want to...what if she had an affiar with my best friend? What if she slept with one of my groomsmen before our wedding? What if there are many, many more OMs out there?

 

I just don't know.

 

It would be nice to know the whole truth, but at this point in time it would take a polygraph for me to be completely sure that she's telling the whole truth. I just don't see her having the stones to do that any time soon.

 

And part of me thinks she's rationalizing to herself that shey must NEVER tell me the whole truth, because it will hurt me too much.

 

I firmly believe that only when the whole truth comes out will I ever be able to fully forgive her for what she has done.

 

I just don't see the whole truth ever coming out. Doesn't mean I'll stop looking for it...just not hopeful. I'd say I've got about a 5% chance of hearing the truth in the next year.

[DNU1]

DNU, check this out, your beating a dead horse. Your ot going to get the full truth, she must give it to you when she is finally wanting to make amends. Your sense of closure is knowing that you did everything you could and your wife is a serial cheater, a workaholic, a bad mother and an abomination of a wife.

 

Let her go. Find someone new, focus on your kids and just do you.

 

I'm glad she's giving your custody of the kids, she doesnt deserve them. She hasnt been there for them from what you said of her work schedule.

 

If I was you I'd be happy im getting the kids because no man that loves his family should be ripped apart from his kids.

 

Be brave DNU things are looking up.

 

Thanks Chrome!

 

I'm doing my best to focus on me...and I think that will get much easier when she moves out this weekend. I won't have to see her every day, she won't be able to intentionally or unintentionally meet my ENs (attractie spouse, conversation, etc.), so the love bank will continue to drain.

 

I keep doing things to take care of my kiddos (#1) and me (#2). It's hard because this financial stuff has me all kinds of nervous. To me there is more than enough $$ to split between both of us. But she's digging her heels in (at least I see it that way) and isn't willing to compromise. I've thrown all my cards on table with regards to finances...she's still digging in her heels.

 

I just hope the kiddos aren't affected by this -- aka, I've got to get back in workplace NOW and have them in daycare rest of summer so I can keep roof over their heads.

 

I keep telling her, "do what's right for the kids...then do what's right for me...help me heal." We shall see...

 

Thanks again. D.

[Reggie]

Well, I saw her post on the MB site and I thought she expressed a willingness to submit to a poly. Why not take her up on it and continue with the divorce? She may view it as a step toward reconciliation, but you do not have to look at it that way.

Questions like " Are OMs#1-4 the only affairs you have had?" will lead to more info. Ask her to pay for it, the poly.

[DNU1]

Well, I saw her post on the MB site and I thought she expressed a willingness to submit to a poly. Why not take her up on it and continue with the divorce? She may view it as a step toward reconciliation, but you do not have to look at it that way.

Questions like " Are OMs#1-4 the only affairs you have had?" will lead to more info. Ask her to pay for it, the poly.

 

Yes Reggie, she did say something about the poly...

 

But there was a post on there telling her if she thinks she can fool a poly, she's got another thing coming. I haven't heard her talk about polygraph since...I think she's afraid.

 

D.

[Dexter Morgan]

This is definitely not true. With a long time stay at home dad, he has a good chance if it becomes a battle.

 

I would agree, but fathers get the shaft because the stay at home dad scenario isn't the typical situation.

 

If he is the stay at home dad, he has a shot.

But other than this and proving a mother unfit, the father has no shot at custody unless for some reason the mother wants 50/50 time or wants to give up custody to the father.

[Reggie]

It appears , Dex, he is one of the rare guys holding the cards in the custody area. Same with spousal maintenace: high wage earning wife, loss of career opportunities, staying home for the kids.

Despite the bias, he has enough to win on these issues. Sounds like she and her attorney realize this.

[Reggie]

Yes Reggie, she did say something about the poly...

 

But there was a post on there telling her if she thinks she can fool a poly, she's got another thing coming. I haven't heard her talk about polygraph since...I think she's afraid.

 

D.

 

Well , bring it up and see. No sense speculating at this point. What is there to lose?

[Owl]

Get her our of your house, ASAP.

 

The sooner you do, the sooner you'll realize that there's just no value in asking her for this "additional information" if you're divorcing.

 

Face it...she's got NO REASON to tell you.

 

If you're divorcing...what does she gain by telling you any further "details" or information about the affair? Nothing. But she stands to have to face you and have to tell you the truth...darned uncomfortable in the best of situations...even harder when you know that the person you're telling it to is divorcing you and has no real need or intention of forgiving you for your actions.

 

If you're filing for divorce...CHANGE YOUR FOCUS. Knowing the details won't do you any further good either.

 

Once you get her "out of sight"...you'll realize this on your own soon enough. Just bide your time til she's out, give it a week or two, and you'll see what I'm saying here.

[Reggie]

Owl is right. Getting away from her as much as possible speeds healing and gives you perspective on who she really is.

[DNU1]

I know you are right...having her living somewhere else will speed my recovery process and help healing. Her being her helps the kiddos (which I am ALL FOR!) but it also puts added pressure on me -- she inadvertently meets my ENs for attractive spouse, conversation, and even admiration in a crazy sort of way.

 

I'm headed on two day fishing trip with my brother and dad in morning. She moves out Saturday.

 

Court: I really didn't want to go to court. Offered her fair and even backed off of that a little to help us save some $ in attorney's fees. She didn't want to budge. She had TWO attorneys drive in to town and spend probably better part of 1.5 hours in court and talking to her...then drive back to their town. I'm guessing that cost her roughly $1200 right there, maybe more. Sorry to see her attys gathering $$ when this could have been avoided.

 

Judge ruled about where I thought he would...very fair and equitable based on our calculations. It was very close to the deal I offered my STBx. Wish she would have taken it. I will have to give up my phone and even phone number. To keep my cell number would mean her company paying breakage fee (her partner would crap on that one) and I'd have to pay big $$ for a new phone.

 

By letting her have my cell # I get to walk in to verizon and get a new phone, plan and cell# for pretty good price. That is what's best for the kids and my finances. So that is waht I will do!

 

I'm disappointed that my wife's affidavit had some harsh remarks towards me. Nohting earthshattering, but upset me none the less. Some of her information was a bit inaccurate, but atty said no worries.

 

I guess I'm upset because I've tried to be nice and help her out where I could, with computer, picking up matressses with my truck, with stuff around house...and she throws me under the bus like that(?!!).

 

Frustrating.

 

More later...D.