Reggie Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 You are doing great. Your STBXW is a manipulator and is disordered. Let her take her fake boobs out on the market place and suck the life out of some other unsuspecting victim. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 You are doing great. Your STBXW is a manipulator and is disordered. Let her take her fake boobs out on the market place and suck the life out of some other unsuspecting victim. Yeah, she probably knows that you're reading whatever she types, so henceforth, she keeps up the crap. Realize that she's doing this on purpose to drive you nuts!! Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 What is mb? And where do I find her posts. Been following this saga and am curious as to the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Share Posted July 17, 2009 What is mb? And where do I find her posts. Been following this saga and am curious as to the other side. Marrigebuilders.com forums. Look under the "surviging an affair" section. Her screenname is "sthgnon" and mine is "lawfulgood" Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 DNU1: It's good that you're not going 2 read her posts anymore. If she ever hopes 2 win you back, she's still going 2 have 2 approach you with true remorse and a plan for convincing you that she's a changed woman. She'll get that - if she can - from her coaching with Harley. I hope that's continuing. In the meantime, you're right and you're just distracting yourself from what's important by following her progress. best, -ol' 2long I think he said, No reconciliation possible, ever. Still, she's not his problem anymore. I skimmed some of the thread over there, yep, she lays the crap on pretty thick, she almost sounded good at this manipulation thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Counseling with Dr Harley will do nothing. The only effective treatment is DBT .Even that is a long shot.She is NPD'd. If she is serious about getting help, DNUI, she should be looking into DBT. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Counseling with Dr Harley will do nothing. The only effective treatment is DBT .Even that is a long shot.She is NPD'd. If she is serious about getting help, DNUI, she should be looking into DBT. Like I said, from what DNU1 mentioned, she's not his problem anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 Counseling with Dr Harley will do nothing. The only effective treatment is DBT .Even that is a long shot.She is NPD'd. If she is serious about getting help, DNUI, she should be looking into DBT. Reggie, What is DBT? I've read up on NPD and there are some similarities with my STBx. But of course there is no way I can even bring this topic up to her. I'm to close to the situation and she would just ignore me, or shift back in to the blaming me mode. Tell me more about DBT? Thanks, D. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Don't read anymore of her posts - healing will only be delayed if you do. I never believe the cr$p "I had a bad upbringing, I have abandonment issues, thats why I cheated...blah blah blah". If its true every single man/woman who faced such issues in their early years will cheat - what a load of bull Step up to the plate and accept you are a cheater and deal with it. I see someone who has spent years manipulating you DNU, a consumate liar and shes doing more of the same IMHO. She is worried for herself and herself only, a typical cake eater. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 It's dialectic behavioral therapy. Supposed to be somewhat effective for personality disorders. I think it helps them manage their emotions and not act out(as in cheating). Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 STBx will be counseling with Dr. Harley on Wed (tomorrow). I'm going to spend first 15 minutes on phone with him alone (from house) and answer his Questions about her assignments. She will then call him from her apt and finish the session. I've agreed to talk to Dr. Harley to help myself heal and my wife grow. I've told her over and over that I do not want recovery...I hope she is hearing me when I say that. I know she still holds out hope for a recovery, but I think she is understanding more clearly now that I have to move forward with this divorce. Case in point: Last week she e-mailed and said she's willing to work with me on the divorce settlement issues. And this next bit was a surprise: she said all the "stuff" doesn't matter to her any more. She feels so guilty and remorseful over the affairs. She offered me whatever I want in settlement -- house, all retirement, basically anything and everything(!) I was pretty shocked to hear this because I was thinking her atty would be pushing her to fight right to the bitter end. I've said all along that I want fair and equitable. I do not want to ruin her financially. And I do wish her well. I've asked her to meet with her atty and write up some proposal. I pushed for a compromise before the temp child/spouse support hearing and she just stonewalled me...and we went to court. That pissed me off to no end because I felt like I was trying to meet her in the middle...and she just kept saying no, we are going to court. So I guess the ball is in her court now. In the mean time I continue to work on me and take care of the DDs. And I'm searching my tail off for a job. I want a job. I need a job. That is all 4 now. D. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 STBx will be counseling with Dr. Harley on Wed (tomorrow). I'm going to spend first 15 minutes on phone with him alone (from house) and answer his Questions about her assignments. She will then call him from her apt and finish the session. I've agreed to talk to Dr. Harley to help myself heal and my wife grow. I've told her over and over that I do not want recovery...I hope she is hearing me when I say that. I know she still holds out hope for a recovery, but I think she is understanding more clearly now that I have to move forward with this divorce. Case in point: Last week she e-mailed and said she's willing to work with me on the divorce settlement issues. And this next bit was a surprise: she said all the "stuff" doesn't matter to her any more. She feels so guilty and remorseful over the affairs. She offered me whatever I want in settlement -- house, all retirement, basically anything and everything(!) I was pretty shocked to hear this because I was thinking her atty would be pushing her to fight right to the bitter end. I've said all along that I want fair and equitable. I do not want to ruin her financially. And I do wish her well. I've asked her to meet with her atty and write up some proposal. I pushed for a compromise before the temp child/spouse support hearing and she just stonewalled me...and we went to court. That pissed me off to no end because I felt like I was trying to meet her in the middle...and she just kept saying no, we are going to court. So I guess the ball is in her court now. In the mean time I continue to work on me and take care of the DDs. And I'm searching my tail off for a job. I want a job. I need a job. That is all 4 now. D. You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that reality is starting to rear it's ugly head to her! And she doesn't want to see it! The "stuff" doesn't matter thing could be just a ploy though, remember MAN, she's a Master manipulator, she could sell sand to the Arabs! She's not to be trusted! But, I've got to say it, you're treating her a whole lot better than most men would even think about treating her. I probably could count on one hand (if that much) the number of men from this site that would treat her the way you are doing right now. Honestly, I wouldn't! And that's just being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Just remember that Harley , himself, has stated theat he would divorce his wife for any infidelity. He knows how difficult recovery is and what the prospects for true change are. DNUI, ask him to address the personality disorder issue and the serial cheating extending over a decade. Ask him what he thinks the likeliehood is that you are aware of the actual number of OM. The vast majority of affairs go undetected, yet you know with certainty about 4. Your wife was gone a lot and had ample opportunity to engage in this behavior throughout your years together. Even when you busted her, she continued to deny. My first XWW , 12 years post divorce, finally admitted to two EA's with two men. She forgets that I had access to her journal where she describes wanting to stop having sex with strangers. She has completely forgotton that one night, when hammered, she regaled me with a detailed description of one OM's anatomy. The disordered really do the dissociation thing. Thye genuinely can erase things from their memory banks, as it helps them deal with maintaining the image they desperately want to keep, not only to others but to themselves. I think serial cheating is just about 100% associated with personality disorders. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 But, I've got to say it, you're treating her a whole lot better than most men would even think about treating her. I probably could count on one hand (if that much) the number of men from this site that would treat her the way you are doing right now. Honestly, I wouldn't! And that's just being honest. Thanks. Appreciate the honesty. She will always be the mother of our children. I will always need to interact with her. And I do wish her well. I want this divorce to move forward as amicably as possible. I want that mainly for the sake of our kiddos. If it gets nasty and drawn out it only hurts them. I do NOT want that. They have a hard enough time as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 The disordered really do the dissociation thing. Thye genuinely can erase things from their memory banks, as it helps them deal with maintaining the image they desperately want to keep, not only to others but to themselves. I wonder what's really locked up inside that beautiful head? A few weeks after divorce day she told me a story about her childhood -- she remembers lying in her basement bedroom listening to her then-alcoholic father fight with her mother...then heard father hit mother...and mom run to bedroom and lock door. She remembers conversations mother had with her and siblings about how they might have to be on their own, living without dad. And I sat there in SHOCK and disbelief! I've known this woman for 20+ years and had NEVER heard that story before in my life. Or even a story remotely similar about her parents. I was floored. Repressed memorires? Bury it deep down inside? Could this be signs of being "disordered"? I have no idea... I sincerely hope for the sake of our kiddos and for STBx, that she is able to release all these inner demons and deal with them in a positive and healthy way. Again, I do wish her well. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I hope she comes right too. I am glad that she is working on herself. Maybe she is using these images to play for sympathy. As you said before, one of your problems is to satisfy needs. I pray for your wisdom in dealing with this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Hi Reggie: I ac2ally agree with you on this. Harley has built his business helping couples do what he himself has said he would never do, recover a marriage after an affair. At some point, he and DNUI's STBXW will run out of things 2 talk about, since though she may be holding on2 a faint hope of recovering the marriage, DNUI's not interested. -ol' 2long Dr Harley has got it all figured out already: He has already established a POJA with his spouse. The consequence is the boundaries. People, take tips! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 STBx made a very generous offer on settlement with house and whatnot. I asked her to meet her atty and discuss. Had hopes of getting through this quickly and finding "fair and equitable." No such luck. Atty said it's going to take lots of time and $$. Ug. Rollercoaster heading down hill... And today STBx messages me after she noticed I "unmarried" her on FB. When she picked up kiddos I could sense she had something to say...and kept asking her...but she just said, "nothing." Taking the kiddos on tubing trip this weekend. I need to get my head straight before we leave. They need a strong Daddy who has his chit together this weekend. Moving forward. Always moving forward (I keep saying that to remind myself...) Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 STBx made a very generous offer on settlement with house and whatnot. I asked her to meet her atty and discuss. Had hopes of getting through this quickly and finding "fair and equitable." No such luck. Atty said it's going to take lots of time and $$. Ug. Rollercoaster heading down hill... And today STBx messages me after she noticed I "unmarried" her on FB. When she picked up kiddos I could sense she had something to say...and kept asking her...but she just said, "nothing." Taking the kiddos on tubing trip this weekend. I need to get my head straight before we leave. They need a strong Daddy who has his chit together this weekend. Moving forward. Always moving forward (I keep saying that to remind myself...) She made her decision then, ALL OUT WAR! Just make sure that you go NUCLEAR! This is the 180 degree decision I was talking about in so many words, expect her to fight like a dirty rotten dog! No holds barred! I hope you have any and all documentation in more than just one safe place, you're gonna need it. I also suggest that you don't post too much important infomation about yourself or any plans here, as for the possiblity of her reading things on this site. Keep it limited, but still post. Let's face it, she found MB's, it's very possible that she found this site too, doesn't post at all, and is perhaps just lurking reading your posts or anyone's that may look like yours and her situation, no way to tell if she is, but, personally I think she has found this site, and perhaps may be attempting to find any info that she could use against you. You've stated that she has way too much to lose, apparently, she knows it too! Oh, and I hate being right about the "stuff" not being important to her thingy a few posts back, she was blowing smoke, I'm sure that's not all she was blowing! Make sure you do things the best way you can with your atty, we're all here for you, except the cheaters that is, Laterz, Vader out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Darth: Don't worry, any and all important information is out of the house, guarded by my most trusted peeps. I really don't think this is or will be "all out war." I just don't see her doing that to me and the children. That would just be rubbing salt in old wounds..after ripping them back open. Just don't think she's that kind of person. I hope I'm right on this one. She keeps talking the talk...it remains to be seen if she continues to walk the walk. Fighting can only cause more pain for me and our DDs. On a personal note: I keep trying to challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone, do things I was previously afraid to do or didn't like doing. Case in point -- just a simple thing like shooting hoops after working out. I've always been an "inside" guy, not good at the 3 pt line. So when I shoot hoops now ALL i do is 3 pointers. Just keep chucking them up until I get hot and start nailing them. And the most hated shot for me was the 3pt from the baseline. So I spend most of my time taking that shot. Forcing myself to confront those demons, and overcome them. I know it's a small thing, but it's a step in right direction. Another one: always wanted to be able to take a run without my shirt on. Never felt confident enough to do that...always felt like I was just a little too flabby. But with this divorce somes gym time blowing off steam, de-stressing. And my body getting more in shape. So today was that first day just me, shoes, shorts and mp3 player...no shirt The only down-side to this was the STBx walking back to house from neighbors as I was getting ready to run. I'm sure she's calling her BFF saying I was trying to make her feel jealous by showing off my shirtless body & abs (well, you could barely see the abs through all the fat Darth: I'm not sure if she knows about this place. Frankly I don't care one bit. I've got nothing to hide. She lurked on MB.com and gave her atty my posts...and they showed up in affidavit for temp hearing. Yes there were 5-10 posts that were pretty raw...but taken in context with the hundreds of hopeful and positive posts I've done both there and here...well, I'll just let the judge decide. Lawfulgood. Just finished packing for the tubing trip. Now it's time to sit down and watch some baseball with my oldest DD. She loves baseball. Later, D. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Darth: Don't worry, any and all important information is out of the house, guarded by my most trusted peeps. I really don't think this is or will be "all out war." I just don't see her doing that to me and the children. That would just be rubbing salt in old wounds..after ripping them back open. Just don't think she's that kind of person. I hope I'm right on this one. She keeps talking the talk...it remains to be seen if she continues to walk the walk. Fighting can only cause more pain for me and our DDs. On a personal note: I keep trying to challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone, do things I was previously afraid to do or didn't like doing. Case in point -- just a simple thing like shooting hoops after working out. I've always been an "inside" guy, not good at the 3 pt line. So when I shoot hoops now ALL i do is 3 pointers. Just keep chucking them up until I get hot and start nailing them. And the most hated shot for me was the 3pt from the baseline. So I spend most of my time taking that shot. Forcing myself to confront those demons, and overcome them. I know it's a small thing, but it's a step in right direction. Another one: always wanted to be able to take a run without my shirt on. Never felt confident enough to do that...always felt like I was just a little too flabby. But with this divorce somes gym time blowing off steam, de-stressing. And my body getting more in shape. So today was that first day just me, shoes, shorts and mp3 player...no shirt The only down-side to this was the STBx walking back to house from neighbors as I was getting ready to run. I'm sure she's calling her BFF saying I was trying to make her feel jealous by showing off my shirtless body & abs (well, you could barely see the abs through all the fat Darth: I'm not sure if she knows about this place. Frankly I don't care one bit. I've got nothing to hide. She lurked on MB.com and gave her atty my posts...and they showed up in affidavit for temp hearing. Yes there were 5-10 posts that were pretty raw...but taken in context with the hundreds of hopeful and positive posts I've done both there and here...well, I'll just let the judge decide. Lawfulgood. Just finished packing for the tubing trip. Now it's time to sit down and watch some baseball with my oldest DD. She loves baseball. Later, D. No worries, but, someone's gotta keep you out of trouble!:lmao: Personally, i can't see how she could even use those posts against you, "It's a Free country" Remember, you could always say to the Judge! Just so long as it wasn't threaten, like saying that you wanted to blow her and the house up kinda thing, other than that, you're set as far as I'm concerned! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Update: It's been a while, a week to be exact. Been on the job hunt hard core lately. Interviewed for a teaching position and nailed it. Nothing full-time, just teaching one night class a week. But it gets me classroom experience and will be good for my soul. I think i'm close to an offer from another company here in town. Still have a few apps out and hope to hear back soon. Good to know that I can still be a viable candidate even in these tough economic times. Haven't heard much from STBx about settlement and divorce. Last I heard she was going to talk to her atty about giving me whatever I wanted. After meeting with her atty she backed way off on that, saying we need to go through "discovery" and that this whole process is going to cost us lots of $$$. I hope that's not the case. I don't want our attys to get fat wallets on our behalf. And that $$$ could be better spent saving for our DDs education. Ball is in STBxs court now... I continue to work on taking care of DDs and taking care of me. My peeps have been great support, as have family and friends. Peeps are in some ways more helpful because they have all been through divorce. Their insight is very helpful. That's all for now. Kiddos with me this weekend! Heading to Zoo tomorrow. Should be fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Church Bells Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 DNU1, I just joined this site, and it already appears to have a better class of posters. With your new and improved attitude ... I thought you'd like the new username. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DNU1 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 SWEET! Welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Congrats on the job prospects. The sooner yo can get this divorce behind you, the better. DNUI, if custody is not an issue, this should go fast. In most states, the custodial parent can stay in the home and buy the non out. You need to get a fair valuation of the house and split the equity. Retirement accumulated during the marriage gets split, usually etc. etc. Bottom linw, if emotions are kept out, it is just finanacial accounting. Might be some dispute over alimony, amount and duration, etc. You guys should mediate this, once discovery is complete. Way to stick to your divorce guns. Link to post Share on other sites
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