Plan H (healing)...

[DNU1]

Thanks Reggie: Problem on the house is it's not worth what we owe on it today. Can't afford to sell it right now...upside down like crazy.

 

Good family friend who is Bank President advises me to stay in house and keep paying that mortgage until the market rebounds. Not sure if STBx or her atty will go for that. I'd hate to have to OWE the bank money after we sell the house. That would suck!

 

The other sticking points are going to be STBxs businesses. I'm pretty sure her partner is advising her to fight me for every penny. Fair and equitable, that's all I'm wanting.

 

And as far as "buying me out", STBx has offered me the house free and clear. But at this point with the home's value, all it amounts to is a debt. I think we have a long, long way to go in this divorce...

 

Sad.

[Reggie]

Yeah, the downturn inthe market affects the equity. Smart not to bite on that bogus offer. I had to do a short sale. 2 plus years ago, and that worked out. You lawyer should be familiar with all the finacncial angles and the odds of tapping her business.

Big picturwise, you are looking good for support and maintenance, theough, eh?

You know, when push comes to shove, all that remorse business goes out the window and this becomes just a division of assets, support(usually statutory) and maintenance(lots of discretion there, ususally). Just follow your lawyer's advice, unless it seems nuts. Is your lawyer reputed to be good?

[DNU1]

Rough weekend. Little one (DD age 9), very upset, nervous and weepy come bed time. Afraid she's going to wet her bed, keeps trying to go the bathroom every 5 minutes, nervous and can't calm down. Friday/Sat & Sunday nights this was an issue. Although last night I got her to calm down a little by playing her iPod music @ bedtime.

 

This started week before on our way to our tubing trip. Sister thinks it might be UTI, but she doesn't have any pain when going pee and doesn't seem to have issues when she's having fun (riding horses for 2 hours, playing, swimming, etc.). Mainly when going to bed or on a long drive.

 

They have appt with counselor on Tuesday. Hopefully he will provide some insight.

 

Personally I think this is from the stress of the divorce and Mom living in apt away from the house. DD does get weepy and says she doesn't want us to divorce.

 

We shall see.

 

I need to continue to be a good, strong and stable Daddy for my DDs.

[Church Bells]

Personally I think this is from the stress of the divorce and Mom living in apt away from the house. DD does get weepy and says she doesn't want us to divorce.

 

Just one more bite from that big shi!t sandwich that all BH's are forced to acquire a taste for. Its a damn shame that the faithful BH has to deal with these type issues, while the WW remains oblivious to/insulated from MOST of it, in her absence.

 

I KNOW ... and YOU KNOW ... that this is a direct result of DD's mother's reprehensible behavior, but it doesn't make it any easier for you to have to look into the eyes of a child and attempt to explain/comfort what they can't completely comprehend at her age.

 

Its a small consolation at this point, but I can share from personal experience that both of my children had "light bulb" moments in their late teens, when they each came to me seperately and actually verbalized that they saw the clear difference in the way I lived my life, compared to the way their mother lived hers, and they committed to follow my example. Now at 29 & 24, I'm proud to say that they have held true to that committment in their own personal independent lives.

 

You're a good man, DNU1 ... and in the long run, that consistent example of goodness from you will not be lost on them when its time for them to make their own life decisions.

[Reggie]

It is very heartbreaking to watch one's kids suffer from the effects of their mom's selfish actions. It is really difficult to bite your tongue and not editorialize on her behavior, although I've read it is best to give them the full truth.

As BSs , we walk a very fine line between being truthful.

[DNU1]

Update: DD doing much better! That's great for all of us. I'm glad she was able to let her emotions out. We all have a long way to go.

 

Was out with friends Friday night having drinks and good time. I was feeling no pain and apparently no sense of balance, took a tumble and I break my foot! Faaaaaacck.

 

Broke my fifth metatarsal on rt. foot 10 years ago playing basketball. Completely snaped her in half...surgery to insert plate and screws, 4 weekd on crutches, but all turned out okay in end.

 

Friday I stumble and break the same bone in pretty much same spot (plate and screws still in there). SUCK. X-rays confirm break...I'll be seeing ortho doc on Monday.

 

Ug.

[mark982]

sometimes having to much fun can bite you in the azz:cool:

[DNU1]

Good news...NO SURGERY! Doc said fracture not to bad. Plate and screws from 10 years ago holding things pretty stable. Putting me in walking boot for a month. SEe how things heal and feel. May need surgery later, but for now, I'm good to go! Whew, that was major relief!!!

[imagine]

Hmm, first a suspected STD, now a suspected bone break. I hope this does not compromise your teaching position.

[DNU1]

No worries Imagine...

 

Wow, today the sun is just a little brighter, my day a little better. Through injuries I've spent a grand total of about 5 months on crutches in my life (two Achilles tendon ruptures, one broken foot). Each time I was instructed by my Doc to not put ANY weight on the bad leg/foot.

 

Since Saturday I've been preparing myself for surgery and a month on crutches, non-weight bearing, etc. Prepared myself for no driving, hobbling up stairs in our house, all the bad chit that comes with limited mobility and crutches.

 

And to get the news that I need no surgery (at least for now...), is just wonderful!

 

If you want an eye opening experience, grab yourself a pair of crutches and spend a normal day in your life trying to get around without putting any weight on one leg. You quickly realize how unfriendly our world is for the physically impaired.

 

Friend in college had been in wheelchair since she was very young. She referred to people as TABs -- temporarily able bodies. Would remind us that we are all just a split second away from a wheelchair for the rest of our lives.

 

Hope none of you have to ever experience surgery/crutches/wheelchairs/etc. Take care...D.

[imagine]

Your wheelchair friend has got the right idea. Continue to enhance the part that we still have!

[DNU1]

Wow, been a long time since I posted here. Update:

 

Thought I had a full time job locked up, ready to roll. But that fell through. I'm teaching a night class and shot some sr. pictures (which, by they way, they LOVED!) Still trying to get a job...any job. Applying for everything under the sun. Hard for a 41 year old man with Master's degree who has been out of the workplace for 4 years, but I will not stop!

 

Wife and I continue to keep the lines of communication open. There are times when we have good conversations, and times when things feel a little strained. We are keeping things good in front of kiddos, even cooked her dinner over here a few times, which the kiddos seemed to like. They love Mom and Dad.

 

I put a settlement proposal in front of her last week. She's been thinking about it and wants to talk more. She will meet with her atty next week some time. In the mean while she's been telling me how tight finances are, and hinting that when I get a job the alimony will be adjusted down.

 

Today I brought up fact that she could work locums and make great money to help with her tight finances (she could make ~$1,500 per day before taxes).

 

Said she didn't want to do that for fear of taking time away from kiddos. I replied that I'm away from kids every Thurs night for this class...but I feel like I've got to do that to bring in some $$ and pay my bills.

 

She later implied that she doesn't want to work locums for fear it will drive up her income level, and might have to share that money with kids and me(?). In a way it sounds like she wants me to get job to lower the alimony, yet she doesn't want to work extra to increase her income and potentially increase alimony. I hope I'm reading this wrong.

 

I really hope she's not trying to hide things from me income wise or be sneaky. I've told her "fair and equitable" from minute one. I guess if we can't some to an agreement I will just have to put this in my attys hands and let the judge decide. People keep telling me to just let my atty do what he does, because given all our history it will probably work out better for me in the long run. But I would rather work something out with her together.

 

I guess the ball is in her court for now. Patience. That's all for now. Take care my peeps...D.

[DNU1]

Been over a month since last update. Here goes...

 

Landed a job at university here in town! Start on Monday. Very excited, but not looking forward to less time with kiddos, having them in before and after-school care. No clue what I'm going to do with them in the summer time. I guess I will cross that bridge when I reach it. Also teaching night class to bring in $$. And still doing photography.

 

Talks with STBx going slowly. Rumor spread around the neighborhood that I "had a girlfriend." Those rumors completely false. I confronted STBx because she accused me of something going on with one of my friends. I told her nothing going on...but she did talk with her BFF, our neighbor. That's probably where the rumor spread from, but frankly I don't really care what they say. And I told my STBx that.

 

I also told her that if our DDs are exposed to any rumors, lies, untruths about me, our family or even her (STBx) that I will be pissed and come out swinging! People can say whatever they want about me...i don't give a chit. I wake up and look at myself in the mirror in morning and know that I'm doing what is right. Nuff said.

 

Settlement talks are going slow. Not really sure how close we are as STBx has never really given me anything in writing. And she keeps changing her mind. At first it was "you can have it all...it means nothing to me. Take X, Y and Z." I didn't think that was fair, so I asked for X & Y. After talking to her atty she came back with "you can only have X." I know it's a terribly difficult time for her, with all the guilt, remorse about her actions, breaking up the family, loss of her best friend and husband. I just hope that we can reach an agreement.

 

She kept saying things like, "this is all my fault," "I'll do anything to make this up to you," and "take everything...it's just stuff..it means nothing to me." Yet after talking to her atty her attitude changes. I want a settlement that is going to work for both of us financially. I think we can do that. I just hope she's not lying to me still, trying to manipulate me, trying to cover her behind and cover her business and finances. I guess only time will tell.

[imagine]

Ok. Y'know you can't trust waywards.

 

I lecture Electronics and Electrical systems at college. What are you lecturing?

[DNU1]

Ok. Y'know you can't trust waywards.

 

I lecture Electronics and Electrical systems at college. What are you lecturing?

 

Teach English Comp I.

 

I know, I know, don't trust waywards. Peeps kept telling me way back in Jan/Feb that all wasn't square...and they were right.

 

And they kept telling me not to trust her after handing her D-papers. They said when push comes to shove she will dig her heels in and this will get ugly, she will get selfish, and fight for every penny. I really hope she doesn't do that. I want to find a way to the end of this divorce that leaves us both financially okay...and most of all lessen the impact on the DDs.

 

The ball is in her court now. Only time will tell...

[DNU1]

Hi DNUI:

 

You sound good. I suppose it was 2 be expected, the way your stbx is behaving. Perhaps it's dealing with lawyers, more than anything, though. I keep hearing people say that there's no such thing as an amicable divorce, but I did know a 2ple of people who managed them and are happy now.

 

I'm glad that you were able 2 find work you enjoy, and that you continue 2 keep your family's well-being foremost in your thoughts. I believe that you will accomplish the goal of having nothing 2 regret, when the dust settles.

 

best,

-ol' 2long

 

Thanks 2long: Yep, that's the goal, to have no regrets when this is all over. I can honestly say I'm proud of how I handled myself through 99% of this. Yes, there were some harsh words after finding out about OM#4, but that can be expected. That was how I was feeling at the time...and I didn't say those things to family and friends here in person...just "vented" on-line to complete strangers. No regrets.

 

Friends, family, peeps, even neighbors whom I'm not that close with all say they admire how I'm handling this. Most can't understand why I'm even talking with her, giving her the time of day after all we have been through. That's just me. Hope i don't get burned...

[imagine]

I'm curious to know how your alimony is worked out.

 

I would be interested how she would accommodate this with her bad spending habits.

[DNU1]

I'm curious to know how your alimony is worked out.

 

I would be interested how she would accommodate this with her bad spending habits.

 

I wouldn't necessarily call her spending habits "bad", just that we had good cash flow coming in and I really felt like if she wanted something (clothes, trips, etc.) that she worked hard and deserved them. It was all about taking care of my Queen.

 

She asked if we could continue our settlement discussions via e-mail. Said she was in a better place now emotionally and didn't want to talk face-to-face with me. Too hard for her.

 

I think eventually we will need to talk, if for anything to achieve some sort of closure. For now I will move forward as she wishes and do this via e-mail. I really hope she's not planning any sneak-attacks, gonna pull something out at the last minute. After all we have been through, after all the lies and affairs...well, I just don't want to even think about stuff like that. That would really burn my arse if she did something like that.

 

Peeps told me not to trust her back in Jan/Feb...and some of the same peeps told me not to trust her in this divorce...they kept saying when push comes to shove she will break out the claws, get all selfish, and it will all be about her job, her money and her self. I really hope they are wrong. That's all for now. Need to get to bed...alarm rings @ 5:20 AM tomorrow morning! Long days...

[DNU1]

Update: Well, I should have listened to my peeps. All those promises back a few months ago, all the "take it all, it means nothing to me", well, that's all off the table now. She said (I'm paraphrasing), she did offered me everything back then in hopes of getting me back. But since I stuck to my decision to divorce that the settlement will be fair to both parties. And what she and I consider fair are different.

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

I really believed her. I really thought she was telling the truth. I thought after all she put this family through, after all the pain, the lies, the affairs, the pain our DDs are feeling...that she would do her best to make this up to me and them. I guess I was wrong.

 

It hurts because I was nice to her, I helped her with things. I genuinely felt bad for her, felt sorry for her in a way because she messed up her marriage and her family. I wanted to lessen the impact of this divorce on her...hell, I even defended her to my family and friends. And now she does this...she turns the 180. Disappointing. Frustrating.

 

I guess I just keep moving forward, keep being the best Dad I can be for our DDs, keep working my tail off at the jobs and keep talking to her to find an end to this nightmare.

[imagine]

She has been listening to her lawyer. This is why you take immediate advantage of the "take it all" talk. Sorry bud, this is also quite usual.

 

What are the arrangements with the children?

[Church Bells]

DNU,

 

We have spoke about this before. This is not her lawyer talking ... this is who WW truly is ... its all about HER ... ALWAYS has been.

 

She only offered "everything" in an attempt to manipulate you back into the M. When that failed ... then the horns and fangs reappeared.

 

You are a good guy and she was playing on that attribute ... LESSON LEARNED!!! Nice guys finish last in the real world of DIVORCE COURT.

 

As I remember, you have hired the best divorce attorney in your area ... TURN HIM LOOSE and go for IT ALL ... including a percentage of her practice, full custody and spousal support.

[imagine]

I agree with CB. I'm sure that the lawyer did not have to speak very loud. Nail her anyway, I am convinced that she deserves it.

 

DNU - our college has just gone on holiday, when does yours begin?

[DNU1]

She offered that I "take it all" a few months back. I could not do that because I'm not that way, it wouldn't be fair or the right thing to do. I want fair and equitable, period. I just want to be able to take care of our DD's and put some $$ away for retirement.

 

You are not the first people to suggest i turn this over to my atty. I still hold hope that we can reach a settlement...althought that hope is fading.

 

I try to reason with her but I feel that my words are falling on deaf ears right now. The ball is in her court right now. I guess if we cannot reach a settlement I will just have to let my atty do his thing.

 

Kiddos: I have physical custody of the kids and we share joint-legal. She offered this @ the temp hearing and I agreed. We both felt this was best for the kiddos. They stay with me in the house and she gets them for four overnights on weekends. We split month out equally, but kids sleep with me in house all but those four nights.

 

Holiday: Our University is very business like. We just started winter quarter. I get Christmas Eve & Day off, as well as New Years Eve & Day...that's all. Standard two weeks paid vacation. And we have a blizzard today...classes cancelled, but we are expected to work from home. All our e-mail and systems are available on-line...so work I do!

 

Take care and thanks for the support, D.

[imagine]

DNU,

 

One thing that I know about American Law is that it uses the adversarial system. This is not about justice but who wins in court. The beauty for the lawyer is that he always wins when the complainants look for more.

 

Unfortunately if you don't put up a show you can lose much more than you expected. Having her agree out of court can save both of you a substantial wad of cash. I would put it to her in these tones. If she follows her lawyers advice, ultimately she and you will lose on the retention of a better lawyer.

 

Possibly you might get more than you want, but then - you can control it.

[DNU1]

Riddle me this: I have four divorced / divorcing female friends I hang out with (my peeps). One divorced 7 years ago, one divorced 2.5 years ago, one filed in September and the last filing first of the new year. Here is what I don't understand...

 

Why can't they stand to be alone?

 

7 years ago: had hard time getting past her Ex...remained single for many years and has finally found a good mate. I got no problem with her. She's probably the most stable of this bunch.

 

2.5 years ago divorced: unknowingly dated married man (she was the "other woman" but didnt' know). Found out and busted him, dropped him...let him back in life...dropped him again...dates like crazy...deathly afraid of being alone...considering getting back together with married man (WTF?)

 

Filed in september: separated from husband and dating like crazy. Has a "boyfriend" whom she has introduced to her kids...and she's no where near final divorce decree.

 

Filing first of the new year: has been partying and dating like crazy for past 9 months. Kinda a slutty. Has met the "love of her life" recently...and he's basically moved in, knows kiddos, etc. And she hasn't even filed for divorce!

 

What's the deal here? I've got no desire to see anyone, let alone touch anyone right now. This divorce has me down in the dumps, still. And STBx affairs and lies make wonder if I will EVER trust a woman again! Will I ever be able to let my guard down enough to love again? I know it takes time...

 

It boggles my mind how the last two peeps can move on so quickly. How they can jump in to new relationships when their divorces aren't even final? I dunno...guess I just don't understand...probably never will.

 

Thoughts?