In a virgin rut

[jeansheridan]

Are there any other 33 year old virgins on this board? Or better yet, people who started having sex in their thirties? Or anyone who didn't have a serious relationship until their thirties?

 

I really need advice because my lack of any kind of history is beginning to bug me more than it should.

 

I tend to go five years between dates (and by "date" I mean going out with the guy one time). There's no "trauma" in my life. All the men were nice, but obviously no spark. I've done the asking once and was asked out twice (yes, that three dates in 15 years).

 

I'm relatively active. I have a very public job that allows me contact with people and I camp, hike, and take classes. Sometimes I even go to bars ;^).

 

And being single is okay, but I admit I'm curious about the sex.

[BlockHead]

I tend to go five years between dates (and by "date" I mean going out with the guy one time)

Are you looking for Mr. Perfect?

What kind of guy is worthy of your attention?

 

All the men were nice, but obviously no spark.

By “spark,” do you mean an intoxicating infatuation?

 

Maybe you have some problems with your libido.

[monkey00]

i think what she means by "spark" is chemistry

chemistry, either you have it or you dont

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Your short post leaves me with a lot of questions. Is there a reason (that you are aware of) that you have not had intimate physical relations? I understand the scarcity of dates - is there also a scarcity of friendships or acquaintanceships with men? Do you make friends easily (men or women)? Do you let people get close to you emotionally? Do you like being touched - say, platonically, on the arm or shoulder? Have you lived in restricted circumstances, like say at the end of a 30 mile dirt road in the Yukon? Have you moral or social strictures or perhaps physical issues that have affected your ability or willingness to engage in sexual relations?

 

I do think you would be in the minority in almost any group.

 

As far as "spark" goes...what exactly do you mean? Do you feel sexual urges towards men, or experience fantasies or dreams involving close physical contact with men? Has any man ever attracted you?

 

Tell us more about your feelings and desires so we can comment intelligently.

[jeansheridan]

Wow, instant feedback! Very cool.

 

No, I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect, but I don't have a very well-defined list either. I'm not the most decisive person.

 

And I live in a very urban area with a wide variety of people, but I do live in the suburbs which means mostly married couples.

 

I have a pretty large circle of acquaintances and about eight really good friends (you know, the people you can call in the middle of the night when you're in an emotional meltdown ...not that it happens too often). Three of them are guys.

 

Touching men depends on circumstances. I love hugs (who doesn't like hugs?), dancing, I've played contact sports with guys. If it's impersonal, no problem.

 

But the two times a guy has a made a move on me (and they were sweet guys, nothing aggressive), I didn't like it and put an end to it instantly. Of course I was a teenager then and I hoped I would have a more reasonable response as an adult, but no opportunities have come up.

 

And yeah, my sexual fantasies are about men.

 

I am so utterly normal, except for the libido thing. And yet I think about sex quite a lot (not as much as guys, but a lot). I just can't feel it.

 

Sorry, hope this isn't too long.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

OK, that helps a fair bit. Seems like you have no problem with close friendships with men or women, which is great. The suburban location isn't the best, as you know. Lots of singles in my area move to downtown so they can be closer to the other singles - a possibility you may want to consider. However, you can probably leverage your activities and friendships with couples to find a good set of singles even in your present living location.

 

The one thing I really noticed as a possible problem was

 

But the two times a guy has a made a move on me (and they were sweet guys, nothing aggressive), I didn't like it and put an end to it instantly. Of course I was a teenager then and I hoped I would have a more reasonable response as an adult, but no opportunities have come up.

 

What exactly didn't you like? As you note, hugs always feel good. If a guy you like hugs you and holds you and whispers in your ear and kisses you on the cheek, this should also feel good. A young, inexperienced teenager may have a fear response - fear of the unknown and of the consequences - but this will also be mingled with pleasure and curiosity. In different ratios for every person and situation, of course.

 

If you have sexual fantasies frequently, I don't believe that your libido is lacking. Do you have physical sexual urges? Do you masturbate (doesn't really matter for this question if you often reach orgasm or not)? Do you imagine explicit sexual acts with a man, and if so, how does that make you feel? Have you ever talked to a qualified professional about this issue?

 

Last question...are you waiting for the man to make a move? Some will with zero encouragement from you, but I have found that they tend to be the less desirable ones. The nicer, cuter ones will usually need some kind of encouragement - you know, the kind that is subtle but is repeated enough so that he gets it. Eye contact, lean towards him, "c'mon and sit next to me", "you smell good", touch his arm, laugh at his jokes, smile at him, "I like you", "you're so clever", squeeze arm again, etc. All this should be in your repertoire to demonstrate your willingness and get the shyer guys off the fence. It also can be kept lowkey enough so that you won't feel compromised.

 

Looking forward to hearing more...

[meanon]

Have you asked your male friends? I know somone in your situation who did just that and was amazed to be told that she gave off "F*** O** Vibes" when a man seemed interested. Despite the fact that she wanted a relationship, the longer she left it the more she got cold feet and her subconscious was clearly saying no without her realising it.

 

Of all methods of signaling interest, certain patterns of eye contact are the most consistently used. Maybe you are missing the signals others pick up automatically? If you are not meeting enough single men you may need to try alternative activities. Singles clubs focused on the activities you already do may be the most enjoyable.

[jeansheridan]

Meanon and ArdeaCandidissima, thank you both for your suggestions and remarks.

 

Re-learning body language is will be hard, but you're both probably right. And you're also reinforcing what my male friend told me. He said that women need to approach the nice guys because genuinely nice men just won't make a move anymore.

 

Thanks again.