I lose major respect for unintelligent girls and I feel disgusted

[Eleventy]

Ok here we go' date=' now we are talking!! These are the real issues that are weighing you down. The math thing is a scapegoat as I mentioned earlier. A reason to take a harder look at the real things that are pulling at your insinticts.[/quote']

 

I think you are right. I also feel that stargazer is right that the age has an impact, here. The things that bother me are, of course, things that you'd expect of a high schooler, I suppose. But the fact that she's trying to work is a good sign, and I talked to her already about learning where to pick your fights and that it's not always worth getting riled up over things that don't really matter. I suppose I should heed my own advice here, haha!

 

Thing is, even with these other issues, I can accept those. It's just this darn math thing, lmao.

[dreamergrl]

I've been asking about age since page one or two :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

And I hope you really aren't still stuck on the math problem... if you are... seriously let the poor girl go.

[Eleventy]

Well assuming she got through school up to this point, I don't think she is mentally incompetent. She obviously has what it takes to get by.

 

It's too bad you report she doesn't take criticism well, because I think the best way to diffuse this is humor. I would buy her a calculator, put a bow on it with a funny note on it.

 

You've only known her one month... Why the need to decide an all or nothing now?

 

Actually I think she would find this funny I tease her a lot but it's primarily playful banter. She says "You're mean!" quite a bit, but I always smile and laugh to let her know I am just playing with her. She does the same to me.

 

The time I've seen her get mad: Someone had commented that her hair was too straight (I think it's beautiful) and she got really defensive. At a later date she caused another ruckus with this person over the matter even when the topic wasn't being discussed or brought up at all.

[Eleventy]

dreamergrl: Well, what if you were dating someone and they asked you how to solve such a problem?

[dreamergrl]

dreamergrl: Well, what if you were dating someone and they asked you how to solve such a problem?

 

When I was 22, I wasn't dating guys in high school. But if I was... and that was the only time they asked such a question, I'd offer to help them. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who can't spell worth anything, basic grammar, but if a person can show smarts in other areas, it doesn't bother me. Not everyone is going to be good in all the same areas. Me, I suck at a math. It's always been my worst area. I've done great in all my artsy classes, language art classes, and such. I was horrible in some of my history classes, science classes... I also had a hard time testing. School was difficult for me.

[butcher's hook]

How old are you?

[dreamergrl]

How old are you?

 

He's 22 and she is 17.

[Eleventy]

When I was 22, I wasn't dating guys in high school. But if I was... and that was the only time they asked such a question, I'd offer to help them. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who can't spell worth anything, basic grammar, but if a person can show smarts in other areas, it doesn't bother me. Not everyone is going to be good in all the same areas. Me, I suck at a math. It's always been my worst area. I've done great in all my artsy classes, language art classes, and such. I was horrible in some of my history classes, science classes... I also had a hard time testing. School was difficult for me.

 

Alright, let's say you get this message from someone all the time:

 

"your pretty"

[butcher's hook]

He's 22 and she is 17.

 

 

Thanks.

 

I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with the age difference. Nothing!

[butcher's hook]

"your pretty"

 

 

"Your" pretty______ what?

 

I guess English is your weakness?

[Eleventy]

I guess I should add that the example I just gave is the other 'evidence' of her abilities in these areas. She almost never uses "you're" and it does bother me. I've corrected her numerous times and she dislikes that I do it, but argh, it's such an easy fix. The math thing was just icing on the cake.

 

Again, though, are these issues I should just learn to live with, especially if everything else seems great? I just worry there are more deeply-seated issues that are just waiting for me down the line.

[Eleventy]

"Your" pretty______ what?

 

I guess English is your weakness?

 

No, I'm saying that would be an example. As in pretty = beautiful.

[dreamergrl]

Alright, let's say you get this message from someone all the time:

 

"your pretty"

 

I'm not going to freak out about that. The worst was when a guy started making up his own words. Didn't use punctuation. Things that make it difficult to read, that's what drives me nuts.

[dreamergrl]

I guess I should add that the example I just gave is the other 'evidence' of her abilities in these areas. She almost never uses "you're" and it does bother me. I've corrected her numerous times and she dislikes that I do it, but argh, it's such an easy fix. The math thing was just icing on the cake.

 

Again, though, are these issues I should just learn to live with, especially if everything else seems great? I just worry there are more deeply-seated issues that are just waiting for me down the line.

 

I think you should move on. No one likes to be corrected all the time. If something bothers me that much, then I move on. I don't down size the person, because they will find someone that is compatible with them, and wont correct them. Correcting her is GOING to make her feel stupid.

[Eleventy]

I'm not going to freak out about that. The worst was when a guy started making up his own words. Didn't use punctuation. Things that make it difficult to read, that's what drives me nuts.

 

thats quite persniffulous but does such a thing effect you on a deeper level

[dreamergrl]

Thanks.

 

I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with the age difference. Nothing!

 

I think it is a problem for OP and his lady though, because I think he expects a higher quality of a woman. He's more likely to find what he is looking for by dating an older and more mature.

[Taramere]

If I deem a girl unintelligent or "stupid," I suddenly lose a LOT of respect for them. I'll look at a picture of them and while I would previously see someone beautiful and fun, I now see someone vapid, empty-headed and useless/worthless. I lose interest in talking to them altogether and I get very cruel and short with them.

 

 

That extreme reaction - the actual disgust, seems like an emotional rather than a logical reaction. Did you grow up under a lot of pressure (eg from parents, teachers etc) to perform well academically? Did you sometimes find yourself feeling not quite good enough as a result of harsh criticism that was being levelled at you?

 

 

The other day, a girl I've been seeing (she is 17 years old) sent me a text message asking what 21 - 28 was (reason is unimportant). I was shocked and figured it was a trick question or prank somehow. Nope. She was serious. I asked why she would need to ask me something so simple... something that you should know how to do when you're at least in 1st or 2nd grade!

 

Yeah - it's stupid. Even academically bright people come out with incredibly dumb comments though. Doesn't it happen to you ever...when you're too tired to concentrate on something, or your mind is on other things?

 

I mean, come on, even if you were drugged out of your mind and having a COMPLETELY botched day for doing math, there's a calculator in your cell phone you could use. It requires more effort to text me such a question than it does to solve it. I just can't fathom how someone would need to ask me this. It bothers me because she's in school and everything... there's just no excuse, in my mind.

 

She may have simply been attention-seeking and playing cutesy. I know in some quarters it's considered a hangable offence when a woman does it, but laughing it off seems like a more normal and proportionate reaction.

 

How could I ever lean on her for support, or trust in her judgment, or have confidence in her abilities and intellect if she can't do something so simple?

 

You could just as easily ask how others could lean on you for support, trust in your judgement or have confidence in your ability to maintain a sense of humour/proportion if this incident is an example of a general tendency to over-react.

 

It's unfortunate because up until this point I was really into her and everything else was great. I hate that I think this way, but I can't get over the fact that she had trouble with something so simple. Am I being too harsh? What should I do?

 

If the girl generally doesn't seem like the sharpest tool in the kit and if intelligence is highly important to you then there doesn't seem much point in having a relationship. Especially not when your feelings about her have become so negative and critical.

 

I'd say that you should try to learn something about yourself from this. You've responded to a young girl's harmless silliness with a fairly OTT reaction. Then you've put more energy into the task of rationalising your rant about her stupidity. I would suggest that something personal for you is triggered by other people's silly blips and gaffes.

 

Maybe your parents were incredibly intolerant of your blips and gaffes when you were growing up. Or maybe other people have rejected certain aspects of you, and you feel a need to respond by taking your shot at being the rejector. Only you know what's gone on in your life, and what your troublesome issues are. I really do think you should take a look inwards here, instead of focusing on justifying your extreme, disgusted response to such a trivial little episode.

[butcher's hook]

Oh so that was her speaking!! Cool.

 

 

I know that people make the same typos over and over, now if she has atrocious communication skills plus lack of math skills that could be a tall order to get over. But if those are the two examples I personally would not get so caught up in it to prevent me from being with someone if they had a whole slew of great qualities. But I am not you, it's silly to ask others what they would do.

 

How does she make you feel in general? Why is it that you get so caught up in two minor things and all her great qualities go pretty much unnoticed? Is what I would ask myself. Are her great qualities really that great? Or did I just get carried away over a pretty face and good bod? All questions you might want to explore.

[dreamergrl]

thats quite persniffulous but does such a thing effect you on a deeper level

 

Well, he wasn't bright in A LOT of areas. He had no goals. He never tried. I looked at him as a whole when deciding he wasn't right for me. I've dated guys who lacked a bit in the grammar department, but made up for it in so many other ways. I never corrected them either. Except one guy who asked me to, because he was dyslexic, and told me that it helped him knowing when he was making a mistake.

[Eleventy]

Taramere:

 

No, I actually had no pressure at all, as my parents did not care what I did with my education or time and were largely uninvolved. I was valedictorian in high school and near the top of my class in college, but did so under my own self-imposed pressures to excel, get into a good college, and make a good life for myself.

 

And, certainly, bright people say dumb things (I'm certainly guilty of it), but the difference is that they can at least catch themselves, usually. It's not like this girl was tired. She was awake, active, and was indicating to me that, for whatever reason, she couldn't do a simple calculation that most people could solve with a cursory glance.

 

It was perhaps a "cute ploy," but it is hard to tell in this situation. Especially when she uses "your" instead of "you're" often, I am led to believe the issue is one of academic capability in some form.

 

As for the "leaning for support" issue, that depends: Am I actually overreacting? Or is the inability to do basic math as a high school senior a pretty big red flag worth examining more critically?

 

And, sure, intelligence is important to me, but I don't want to feel *disgusted*, if that makes sense. We have fun conversations. It's not like I am after someone with whom I can debate random authors or politics with or whatever. I just worry that the inability to do simple calculations would have more serious implications down the road (say, money or time and the inability to really make sense of magnitudes or differentials).

 

I would say my parents were intolerate of my blips, sure. I grew up being known as the smart one in my community. My brother was not. However, he'd always get away with his own errors and flunk school, and yet my parents were much harder on me simply because I used the computer too much. They didn't care what I could accomplish. I don't know if this is relevant at all, but it's a good summary of "punishment reaction" with respect to my interaction with my parents.

[butcher's hook]

He's more likely to find what he is looking for by dating an older and more mature.

 

 

Sure but we shouldn't forget that comes with a whole new set of dislikes he will have to get used to. That is how in our easily discardable society we live where people are chucked to the side over and over again looking for some perfect ideal that never comes. Or worse yet an older woman will put him under scrutiny and nit pick at his shortcomings too.

 

Part of maturing and being able to figure ourselves out is trying to see what qualities we can live with and without. "Prioritizing" if you will.

 

I am not saying stick around if you are generally not happy, it sounds like he is not generally happy with her and yet he is into most of her!?!? I just see the examples as a silly ones. But then again I haven't been 22 in a while so perhaps I forget how superficial we can be at 22.

[Eleventy]

dreamergrl apparently didn't like my made up word or my lack of punctuation in my question to her Haha ;p

 

Butcher's Hook: The good qualities are quite good. She says very sweet things to me and seems to have a genuine, caring heart. We have a lot of fun talking together, and we're on the same page when it comes to many important issues. She's quite pretty, and I just worry that she's just another pretty face. But I also worry that I'm demanding perfection without realizing it. I know nobody is perfect. However, where do I draw the line? I don't even know what my dealbreakers are in this regard, nor do I know what is reasonable or optimal for me.

[Trialbyfire]

Eleventy, if you're who I think you are, obsessing over minor details isn't worth the grief. There are way more important things to worry about.

[butcher's hook]

And, sure, intelligence is important to me, but I don't want to feel *disgusted*, if that makes sense. We have fun conversations. It's not like I am after someone with whom I can debate random authors or politics with or whatever. I just worry that the inability to do simple calculations would have more serious implications down the road (say, money or time and the inability to really make sense of magnitudes or differentials).

 

Maybe that's what is really missing here, the idea you cannot have that level of conversation with her?

 

That is understandable because that is the what makes relationships bond deeply. The idea that you can meet intellectually on a deeper level.

[dreamergrl]

Sure but we shouldn't forget that comes with a whole new set of dislikes he will have to get used to. That is how in our easily discardable society we live where people are chucked to the side over and over again looking for some perfect ideal that never comes. Or worse yet an older woman will put him under scrutiny and nit pick at his shortcomings too.

 

Part of maturing and being able to figure ourselves out is trying to see what qualities we can live with and without. "Prioritizing" if you will.

 

I am not saying stick around if you are generally not happy, it sounds like he is not generally happy with her and yet he is into most of her!?!? I just see the examples as a silly ones. But then again I haven't been 22 in a while so perhaps I forget how superficial we can be at 22.

 

Very true, but I do believe he'll be better matched with someone intellectually if he went a bit older.

 

dreamergrl apparently didn't like my made up word or my lack of punctuation in my question to her Haha ;p

 

Butcher's Hook: The good qualities are quite good. She says very sweet things to me and seems to have a genuine, caring heart. We have a lot of fun talking together, and we're on the same page when it comes to many important issues. She's quite pretty, and I just worry that she's just another pretty face. But I also worry that I'm demanding perfection without realizing it. I know nobody is perfect. However, where do I draw the line? I don't even know what my dealbreakers are in this regard, nor do I know what is reasonable or optimal for me.

 

I caught it

 

Really, you need to accept her or not accept her. Stop obsessing over it. If it's really that big of a deal to you, it's time to move on. If it's not, then it's time to let it go, and stop correcting her!