I lose major respect for unintelligent girls and I feel disgusted

[Jersey Shortie]

Eleventy, at 17, were you concerned with what would be your ability to problem solve within a relationship?

 

I am not saying you don't have a right to have concerned over unmet needs. However, be sure she has her own of you. And if you are this concerned, let her be with someone that respects her.

[dreamergrl]

In those quotes you've posted I never changed my views anywhere. I've said that I've questioned her ability, sure, but I've never outright said "she's retardedly unintelligent to the point of being an imbecile" or anything like that. I've asked if such things can be indicative, granted. I've consistently said that everything else is otherwise fine so far in the relationship. I haven't been "all over the place" like you imply.

 

I also never claimed she'd "find all this funny" -- I said she'd find the calculator comment about the gift funny. I do feel she would be upset reading this thread and I've never changed my view on that either.

 

Please do not twist my words.

 

I looked back, I was off on the finding this funny part. But the rest I stand by. You have called her dumb. Then you counter it with saying there's so much about her you like. You're back and forth. The only thing that is concrete, is the MANY times you referred back to the math problem. Over... and over... and over again. You even 'tested' her by text.

 

It is IMHO that the best, most loving couples are those who work well together. One makes up for the other's downfalls. But you don't want this, you want her to be perfect all the way around. Good luck finding that in anyone.

 

Like JS said, let this girl be with a boy who will value all of her.

[Eleventy]

I feel like you aren't really listening to what I'm saying. I am not demanding perfection. Asking someone to be able to solve a subtraction problem is *not* demanding perfection. Do you see the difference?

 

You guys are also forgetting that I already chose to overlook it. The other factors to her personality are much more worthwhile to me, but I disagree that much of the implications of intelligence cannot be reasoned out.

 

It's a similar argument to "Well, we don't know how to build strong structures, but if we try enough times, eventually we will find something that works." That kind of reasoning, I feel, is not adequate enough when it comes to relationships. Somewhere there is a good understanding of how different needs come together and what are good indicators of future success and what are flaws that can be overlooked in light of other things.

 

The fact that you're hammering so hard on this math thing is missing my point.

[Eleventy]

Eleventy, at 17, were you concerned with what would be your ability to problem solve within a relationship?

 

I am not saying you don't have a right to have concerned over unmet needs. However, be sure she has her own of you. And if you are this concerned, let her be with someone that respects her.

 

Always a concern of mine, yes. Time and time again I see successful couples who are able to overcome things together. When one person has to consistently rely on another for simple things, I rarely see it work out.

 

But right now I am more interested in how much of this can be reasoned out. I simply do not buy the empirical approach. Of course we learn by experience, but what I mean is that we're better off acting under better rules than worse rules.

[dreamergrl]

I feel like you aren't really listening to what I'm saying. I am not demanding perfection. Asking someone to be able to solve a subtraction problem is *not* demanding perfection. Do you see the difference?

 

If you're not demanding something, then why bother correcting her?

 

You guys are also forgetting that I already chose to overlook it. The other factors to her personality are much more worthwhile to me, but I disagree that much of the implications of intelligence cannot be reasoned out.

 

If you chose to overlook it, why did you send the dumb text?

 

It's a similar argument to "Well, we don't know how to build strong structures, but if we try enough times, eventually we will find something that works." That kind of reasoning, I feel, is not adequate enough when it comes to relationships. Somewhere there is a good understanding of how different needs come together and what are good indicators of future success and what are flaws that can be overlooked in light of other things.

 

The fact that you're hammering so hard on this math thing is missing my point.

 

I'm not missing anything. I'm going by what you say and have said. You have a need that you will not find in a 17 year old. And you are looking into the FAR future. She's 17, do you really honestly think she's looking that far into the future??

 

 

 

Always a concern of mine, yes. Time and time again I see successful couples who are able to overcome things together. When one person has to consistently rely on another for simple things, I rarely see it work out.

 

Yet, she wont be able to rely on you on an emotional level - which in my opinion runs so much deeper, and has a larger impact then the 'simple' things you're so worried about.

 

But right now I am more interested in how much of this can be reasoned out. I simply do not buy the empirical approach. Of course we learn by experience, but what I mean is that we're better off acting under better rules than worse rules.

 

You've endlessly been going on and on about figuring this out, but you are not listening to anything that you don't want to hear. There for, it will never be worked out. Let her go.

[Eleventy]

I don't really correct her all that often. Considering how many times she misuses certain words, I let them slide a huge percentage of the time. No different from the times you've said you've corrected people, I would presume. No different from the number of times I could correct you, for instance ("there for").

 

I sent the text because I wanted to see if she was playing "damsel in distress" or not.

 

You say you're going by what I've said but you are not -- you're saying I need something I won't find in a 17 year old, whereas PLENTY of 17 year olds have such traits. However, this girl has many traits most people of ANY age do not, hence my willingness to overlook the "math and spelling flaw."

 

And yes she is also looking far into the future as well.

 

And yes we can rely on each other emotionally. Like I've said, so far most things have been great so far. My worry pertains to something that really, technically, has yet to happen. I have yet to get into a situation where she winds up relying on me for something VERY important but simple due to inability. Plenty of people cut ties because of "indicators" or red flags, even if no direct damage is being done yet. So it is by no means unreasonable for me to look into this situation and take it in context.

 

I am indeed listening to what is being said but I think we are coming at the issue from different angles.

[Trialbyfire]

Eleventy, look at it rationally, in flowchart fashion:

 

Issue of intelligence

 

She has done this. Is it repetitive behaviour?

 

Yes: End contact since it's a dealbreaker.

 

No: Continue watching for signs of repetitive behaviour.

 

It's that simple so stop the analysis paralysis.

[bean1]

I don't really correct her all that often. Considering how many times she misuses certain words, I let them slide a huge percentage of the time. No different from the times you've said you've corrected people, I would presume. No different from the number of times I could correct you, for instance ("there for").

 

Don't correct people, it's rude. My SO's first language is not English but I do not correct him either, and he misuses words all the time.

 

Unless it is something that impedes the entire conversation, it is insulting and often leads to embarassment and lack of self-esteem to be corrected. Who are you to 'let them slide'? FYI I just finished my degree in education. If you are into book smarts as intelligence, you will find a wide array of research to support how detrimental correction is to people's self-esteem. Not to mention, that applies to students, who expect some form of correction. Your girlfriend is not your student.

[Eleventy]

Alright, I can take you up on that one. I'll stop correcting her.

[Eleventy]

Eleventy, look at it rationally, in flowchart fashion:

 

Issue of intelligence

 

She has done this. Is it repetitive behaviour?

 

Yes: End contact since it's a dealbreaker.

 

No: Continue watching for signs of repetitive behaviour.

 

It's that simple so stop the analysis paralysis.

 

I understand that just fine, but my problem pertains to dealbreakers themselves.

 

At what point is a dealbreaker unreasonable? At what point do I, on the other hand, need to put up boundaries and cutoffs?

[MusicChick24]

As already mentioned people are intelligent in many ways. Some have fantastic street smarts and just not very book smart.

 

There is no reason to be outright cruel to someone because YOU deam them unworthy because YOU decided they were unintelligent. They may think the same about you.

 

I think you are being really ridiculous and judgemental in this way. Saying you are disgusted? I also enjoyed your math example because I'm a very intelligent and well-rounded person but I am HORRIBLE at Math. It is absolutely my hangup. The only class I have ever failed. So for you to deam her "unintelligent" because she may have trouble with Math is a mistake on your part. We all have hangups. And I know she said she was "too lazy to do it herself" but have you ever thought maybe she just used it as an excuse because of what you said to her?

 

In addition I'm 19 years old and I still have to do basic math on a calculator or count on my fingers for simple addition/subtraction. I also have a hard time with negatives etc and use a calculator, and I am not "unintelligent" I made exceptional grades in school and still do in college.

 

You have no right to judge her. If it bothers you so much...don't date her.

[Trialbyfire]

I understand that just fine, but my problem pertains to dealbreakers themselves.

 

At what point is a dealbreaker unreasonable? At what point do I, on the other hand, need to put up boundaries and cutoffs?

If you need to analyse it to that degree, start with a list of dealbreakers and positive traits. Weight each trait and dealbreaker with points, where negative traits are given negative points and of course, positive with positive points.

 

When analysing a person's traits, you can also give partial points, negative or positive.

 

Then net the results to see if you end up with a positive or negative figure.

[Eleventy]

It's not just the fact that someone may be bad at math, MusicChick. I mean, are you able to solve 22-28 or whatever the problem was? Most people who are extremely bad at math can still do this, you know?

[Eleventy]

If you need to analyse it to that degree, start with a list of dealbreakers and positive traits. Weight each trait and dealbreaker with points, where negative traits are given negative points and of course, positive with positive points.

 

When analysing a person's traits, you can also give partial points, negative or positive.

 

Then net the results to see if you end up with a positive or negative figure.

 

Whoa there, I'm not talking about some sort of weighting scheme with nominal attributes. That's a bit overkill.

 

I'm simply talking about where people draw the lines. EVERYONE does this. Why do you have the dealbreakers that you do, for example?

[MusicChick24]

It's not just the fact that someone may be bad at math, MusicChick. I mean, are you able to solve 22-28 or whatever the problem was? Most people who are extremely bad at math can still do this, you know?

 

I would have to use a calculator but yes I could figure it out.

The point is that you have no right to judge her like that and call her unintelligent on those terms. Much more makes a person intelligent that one subject.

[Eleventy]

I would have to use a calculator but yes I could figure it out.

The point is that you have no right to judge her like that and call her unintelligent on those terms. Much more makes a person intelligent that one subject.

 

How do you view relationships when it comes to overcoming obstacles together, etc? What's your take on emotional intelligence vs. "analytical" intelligence with respect to that? Do you find that your difficulty in something like that carries over to other areas?

[Trialbyfire]

Whoa there, I'm not talking about some sort of weighting scheme with nominal attributes. That's a bit overkill.

 

I'm simply talking about where people draw the lines. EVERYONE does this. Why do you have the dealbreakers that you do, for example?

I know what I can live with and what I can't, through experiencing enough relationships and doing a lot of self-analysis about what drives me. Without those experiences and analytics, I would be whistling in the dark over what works, at least for me.

[dreamergrl]

Whoa there, I'm not talking about some sort of weighting scheme with nominal attributes. That's a bit overkill.

 

This thread is an overkill.

 

I hope you don't analyze your sex life this much.

[Eleventy]

This thread is an overkill.

 

I hope you don't analyze your sex life this much.

 

Funny you mention that. I like to video tape everything and use strings to measure thrust distances in order to optimize the thrust distance to pleasure ratio. Then we go over the tape and look for where we could improve, and we even draw little X's and O's like a football coach would to best pinpoint strengths and weaknesses.

[Bayern]

Don't correct people, it's rude. My SO's first language is not English but I do not correct him either, and he misuses words all the time.

 

I think that depends on the relationship. If you have a relationship where you're open to learning (especially language) then it shouldn't be a problem. You just might want to establish it first.

[dreamergrl]

I think that depends on the relationship. If you have a relationship where you're open to learning (especially language) then it shouldn't be a problem. You just might want to establish it first.

 

If his gf knew how he REALLY felt, they wouldn't need to establish crap. She'd be gone.

 

Funny you mention that. I like to video tape everything and use strings to measure thrust distances in order to optimize the thrust distance to pleasure ratio. Then we go over the tape and look for where we could improve, and we even draw little X's and O's like a football coach would to best pinpoint strengths and weaknesses.

 

Sadly enough, with what you've portrayed here, I could see you doing this.

[Eleventy]

Then I think you're totally misinterpreting my personality and where I'm coming from, lol.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with my concerns in this thread.

[dreamergrl]

Then I think you're totally misinterpreting my personality and where I'm coming from, lol.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with my concerns in this thread.

 

Sure, me and a bunch of other people are all misinterpreting your personality. It must because we are stupid and unworthy. Let me go get a calculator and figure it all out.

[Eleventy]

Actually quite a few of the comments that have been "against me" have been fairly reasoned, but your replies, if anything, have been a bit immature and virulent. I really don't need that kind of commentary. Nobody is forcing you to reply in this thread.

 

You're missing the point I'm trying to drive home here, and plenty of people have understood what I'm getting at and their replies have made sense to me. As a result, I feel I've made the best decision given the situation.

 

However, I don't think that it means there isn't more to discuss.

[dreamergrl]

Really, I've been saying the same thing as most, only I don't sugar coat it. And everyone gets what your saying... but the point is that you are degrading this poor girl. How many have stated they think you should leave her, and let her be with a guy who will respect her and treat her the way she deserves? Quite a few....