Nuala83 Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 I have a question. I'm now back in contact with my ex. Brief recap: Together 7 1/2 years. He breaks up with me. He becomes very cold and distant. I become desperate and clingy. I start NC but then keep breaking it. I decide to try a different way of doing things (see "alternative option to no contact"). He starts to call. We begin to chat again. He starts to call on a more regular basis (I never call him). THEN finally he asks if we can meet and we met for the first time in a long time today. It went fine! So my question is, now what do I do? Do I need to do anything at all or should I just let things go how they go and trust that if reconciliation happens it happens. I would still in my heart of hearts love to be back with him but I haven't told him that because I feel that since he broke up with me, he would mention the idea if that's what he wanted. Do I just play things by ear??? Or what?........ Anyone got any advice/ideas??? Link to post Share on other sites
bluewolf17 Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Nuala! I didn't know this was going on? When you say you met up and it was "fine" what does that mean? Was it great, laughing, or akward? Hmm. I don't know. How did you feel afterwards? Sad, happy? How do you feel today? Did he talk about the R at all? If you really want to get back together, you should wait and see if he mentions the R. See how long it takes for him to contact you again. Don't contact him first! Hang in there and keep me updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Share Posted June 23, 2009 Nuala! I didn't know this was going on? I'm sorry Bluewolf. Don't be mad at me The meet up was nice. There were a few awkward silences which I suppose was to be expected but there was also a lot of laughing and chatting like we always used to. I was happy to see him and I'm glad to say that now we've met I don't feel sad at all (I was worried about that). There was no mention of the relationship at all. When I was leaving (I only stayed 2 and a half hours) he reached out and gave me a big hug. Since I stopped being so needy and clamed the f*ck down, he's been contacting me much more. He called me 3 times yesterday and asked if we could meet to which I agreed. During the phone calls yesterday he said "when will I get the chance to see you? I've missed you". He also said "Thanks for being so nice to me". BUT then he said "I hope we can begin to be friends again". So I'm kinda not sure where things are headed if anywhere. I certainly don't wanna push things but I might just have landed myself in 'friends' territory. I don't know!!! During the past 3 weeks I haven't initiated contact once, he's been doing all the calling. Now I'm not sure what to do next. I'm veering towards 'waiting and seeing' but I'm not sure. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
bluewolf17 Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Oh Nuala, I don't know. I am totally Jaded here. You might remember my ex wants to "wait and see". It's totally about how YOU feel about it. I would love seeing him, have a great time, but as soon as I didn't hear from him for a few days, it hurt all over again. If your okay doing this, then do this. BUT like Caliguy told me, make yourself the prize, not him. You can't show how much you miss him, you can't push any R talk, and you have to be happy and fun. He doesn't want to be reminded that he hurt you. I got to a place after 4 months of "seeing" where it just hurts. I feel like I am on walking on Eggshells, and I doubleguess everything I say to him. Plus, before you know it, it's been another month, then 4 months, then 6, and you still haven't moved on. Tread carefully and pay attention to what he says and does. Keep me posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Share Posted June 24, 2009 Oh Nuala, I don't know. I am totally Jaded here. You might remember my ex wants to "wait and see". It's totally about how YOU feel about it. I would love seeing him, have a great time, but as soon as I didn't hear from him for a few days, it hurt all over again. He doesn't want to be reminded that he hurt you. I feel like I am on walking on Eggshells, and I doubleguess everything I say to him. Plus, before you know it, it's been another month, then 4 months, then 6, and you still haven't moved on. Tread carefully and pay attention to what he says and does. Bluewolf, I can relate to what you're saying. I read your story on the other thread and I know you're also in the position of 'wait and see'. Trouble is you can wait and see only for the end response to be "I don't think so". I think I'm willing to take that risk as foolish as that might sound. I too secondguess everything I say to him and occasionally I'll say something then think bad move! Bad move! I'm trying my best to get a handle on my emotions and move on with my own life whils staying in his. It's not an easy balance to strike and the hardest thing is keeping a handle on my emotions. But I am determined. That's why I started this thread. I could really do with advice from people who've made it to this position on what to do next. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Not sure what his intentions are but he did drop a hint with the "I hope we can be friends one day..." line. To me that tells me he loves you but isn't IN love with you anymore. Granted that is only one sentence and who knows what's going on in his head. The question is "what do you want?" And do you want to be with someone who would so easily toss aside 7 years together? I don't know. I think you can do better than this guy... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Share Posted June 24, 2009 I'm not sure what his intentions are either. The line about being friends did send alarm bells ringing for me...yet he's also been persistent in contacting me, often for no good reason. It's probably too early to tell at this stage. Maybe he's not IN love with me anymore. Do I want to be with someone who would toss aside 7 years? That's a good question. D'ya know I never thought I would but because the relationship has been so long (the friendship's been even longer) and the majority of the time really happy, I'm not giving up all hope yet. I may have made myself too available though now he's started to call more often. I should be taking my own advice and stop being so attainable. I appreciate the advice CG. I know there are no guarantees with what I'm doing. I know it could end in more hurt for myself. I could put into practice the best advice in the world and it still might not rekindle my relationship. But I do know that unless I try to do something I'll never know for sure if the relationship could have been salvaged. I simply can't live with the 'what ifs'. Link to post Share on other sites
001bh Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 You know, I'm happy for you and hope that I get to where you are one day. But if you really want to know and he's being persistent in contacting you, I would go with my gut feeling and just ask him. I mean not outright but perhaps invite him over for dinner and dvd or something, something you both watched a long time ago together and liked. Or some similar situation. Loosen up maybe have some wine (or not if you don't drink.) Try to be romantic and then ask him, tell him how you're feeling. You dated this guy for 7 years right? I'm sure he's wondering if you are going to say something. I live my life with "you never know until you try" method. I'm always open in what I say and think and for the most part it gets me answers. You never know, so give it a shot, or don't, it's up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Don't rush things, keep it cool and keep a bit of a distance. You can't carry on with him where you both left off. He needs to be intrigued by you and want you as more than a friend. Right now, a friend is all he is offering. Let him make all the moves, in his time. Nothing more devastating than being dumped a second time by the same guy. Protect your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Thank you both for the advice. As much as I'd love to ask him how he's feeling I think it's too soon right now. Especialy since we're only just back on good terms. It's true, there would be nothing worse than getting rejected twice! Looking at some other people's stories I guess I'm quite lucky to even be at this stage. I think I'm just gonna leave things the way they are just now, see if there's any more contact from him and focus on my own ambitions more cos focusing on this all the time isn't healthy. And I know it! I must stop over analysing everything! Link to post Share on other sites
001bh Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Yeah try to have fun doing stuff you like to do. If he's really interested, he'll try to follow. Sorry for the other post about rushing to conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 No don't be sorry at all! I appreciate any advice anyone cares to give me I really like to know what others think cos sometimes you can't trust your own instincts. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Keep doing your "option to no contact" nuala, but I wouldnt get my hopes up. He did break up with you, which means for some reason he had to get away. I personally think you would have to do alot of changing to make him attracted to you again, not just a lil. If you are the same old person he left, theres nothing new for him to be attracted to. That also depends on why he left you, I assume for another woman? (the usual scenario) Theres all kinds of tricks to do to get him to desire you now, but if youre really the same old person, hes just going to leave you again anyway. Personally, maybe youre just obsessed with what you lost, but you really shouldnt try to rekindle what he doesnt want to rekindle. Who knows, if you dont try, maybe he will try harder. BTW the "i hope we can be friends again" line is really a red flag. I dunno if hes saying that to make you want him more, or if he really wants to hang platonically, which as a guy, I dont understand why someone would want to stay friends with someone they tried so hard to get away from. Link to post Share on other sites
wanjirum Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 My first instinct would be to go with your gut, just weigh the situation and follow your inner voice. However most men when trying to reconcile a relationship they try not to be reminded of the past one that was a failure and try to begin a new chapter and only revisit the old one once they see 'the mistakes or drama are no longer a part of the first one'. If he feels you are pushing him to the wall by bringing up the big 'R' word, he might run for the hills. As this will be reminiscent of your 'old' clingy self. Remember he is attracted to the 'new independent' you and moreover appreciates the space you are giving him. Men love a challenge and a chase. Personally in my opinion from the frequency of the calls and the fact that he has admitted he misses you, my instinct would be he definitely wants more than friendship. However ensure you don't get to the 'comfortable friend zone' for too long, where he has a slice of cake and the whole cake to go with it. He might also try to say a few things to make you jealous to pick up on perhaps 'might you still care'. The best thing is to play it cool, in this case I give him the benefit of the doubt 7 years is a lot to fade into a memory over night. Remember you know him well enough so use this a strength, you know what attracts him and what puts him off (use this to your advantage). I hope this helps. And always sit and think twice before acting on emotions. Hope this helps . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 That also depends on why he left you, I assume for another woman? (the usual scenario) Who knows, if you dont try, maybe he will try harder. BTW the "i hope we can be friends again" line is really a red flag. I dunno if hes saying that to make you want him more, or if he really wants to hang platonically, which as a guy, I dont understand why someone would want to stay friends with someone they tried so hard to get away from. At first I was convinced he'd left me for another woman but it turns out I got it wrong after hearing from a few (reliable) sources that he was still single. The girl I thought he'd left me for was actually dating her ex and another guy at the same time (not my ex it turns out). He didn't exactly give me a good reason for the split. He just went cold very suddenly and said he wanted to be on his own and there was a lot of stuff in his life he wanted to achieve that he hadn't done yet and he needed space and freedom at the moment. I couldn't understand why he had to be away from me to achieve goals but anyways... Because of what he's said (and I would like to believe him although I know he could be lying) I want to respect his wish for space. I don't contact him at all now but I allow him to contact me. As for the friends thing. When I cut off contact with him previously, he tried getting in contact with me a lot and he frequently told me he never wanted me to leave his life. I do believe he wants contact with me but it's possible that friendship is all that's on his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
001bh Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 That's exactly what my ex is telling me. She wants to be alone and start fresh when she starts grad school in the fall and she wants to try other people (because I was her first). She pulled the still wants to be friends thing on me. This is all well and good. I can understand that she may want to try new things, but I'm not really comfortable after 3 years of something closer than friends to go back to just friends. She tells me that I'm her best friend and always will be. It's really messing with my mind because I keep thinking she gets a slice of cake and keep it too. I find that quite selfish. I also really like her and never thought about anyone else so I'm feeling like I was just used for a while. I'm going through a really messed up part of my life right now. I keep telling myself to listen to gut feeling but I'm not really sure anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
001bh Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 We should make t-shirts for the forum or something Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 That's exactly what my ex is telling me. I'm not really comfortable after 3 years of something closer than friends to go back to just friends. She tells me that I'm her best friend and always will be. It's really messing with my mind because I keep thinking she gets a slice of cake and keep it too. I find that quite selfish. I keep telling myself to listen to gut feeling but I'm not really sure anymore. What is it with these people??? It's completely selfish. My ex even told me weeks after we broke up that he was still 'in love' with me but didn't want a relationship. WTF?! I couldn't do that. How can people just toss aside months or years of happiness? You're right about the having their cake and eating it too. They get everything and we get left with nothing. I like you am also unsure what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
drummerprince81 Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Right, help me out guys. I didn't phone my ex today or yesterday or the day before, or any other day like I've been threatening to do. But I just went on MSN and we had our first conversation in 4 months, and she dialled me up. My heart was pounding coz I was trying my best not to let it bother me. I didn't mention the relationship or break-up but talked and caught up with each other for 45 mins. I then invited her to meet me on Saturday and she accepted the invitation. I don't want to fall down the friends route; she was clearly talking to me like a friend, but I guess so was I. I'm gonna have to be on form on when we do meet up. How shall I approach this? Link to post Share on other sites
001bh Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Yeah Nuala, I know, it's depressing, weird and just downright wrong. Someone mentioned that they tell us this to make them feel less guilty. I don't know. Makes me wish I never fell in love and instead just get a cat to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Drummer, when you were catching up on the phone, how was it? Did she seem pleased to be speaking with you? Did she make any mention of the relationship/break up at all? When you meet up with her I guess you should just keep it fun and friendly. Don't bring up any R talk or it might scare her but is she brings it up that's fine. Don't let her know you've been hurting without her. Also depending on how awkward it is (there's bound to be some awkwardness), you might make sure the meet up isn't too long. Just play it by ear. It's hard to know what you should so, but I'm sure you know what NOT to do. I hope it goes well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
drummerprince81 Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Nuala - we didn't actually speak on the phone, it was via MSN but I did tell her I was gonna phone that night (last night) - she seemed surprised at that, as if talking on the phone would be a big prospect (and it would). Nevertheless, we are meeting up in person now, which is a much bigger prospect. We are gonna go for a walk. It will be about an hour or so, and then I'll say I've got plans so need to leave soon. She didn't talk about the relationship at all, neither did I and when we meet tomorrow I'll make sure I don't bring anything up that will make her feel uncomfortable. The fact that she is meeting me is a good sign because it means she might meet me again, depending on how it goes. Do I hug her goodbye at the end? What happens if she doesn't talk about us? I don't want to brush it all under the carpet. I think I know what NOT to do:- 1 Talk about the break-up, or relationship 2 Talk about memories AT LENGTH i.e. just fleeting comments 3 Show emotion 4 Flirt more than neccessary 5 Ask her if she has a new boyfriend - or do I? What should I do if she asks me about my love life? I have only had 1 date...I must admit I'm nervous. Any other tips? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nuala83 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 You sound like you've got it all under control Drummer. Maybe best not to ask if she has a new boyfriend. If she says yes that could be very hurtfull to you and might sour the rest of the date. If she says no you might get hopeful only to find out later on that although she doesn't have a boyfriend, there's someone she's keen on. Leave her to initiate a hug. It'd be awful if you went to hug her and she flinched or pushed you away. Once again you've gotta protect yourself first. If she doesn't talk about 'the two of you' don't worry about it. It's early days yet and that might be an uncomfortable conversation for her to bring up so for now I think you should let it be brushed under the carpet. There's time for that later if things go well and continue to go well. I'm sure if you just take it for what it is and don't overthink the whole thing too much (not easy I'm sure) you'll be fine and you'll figure it out as you go along. I can't see any reason why you shouldn't mention you've seen someone if she asks about your love life. She doesn't have to know it's only been one date but then she's not entitled to know all the details. You're single so why shouldn't you be dating? I really hope it goes well for you. I can't think of any othet tips I'm afraid but it's probably best you don't overthink things anyways cos then you wont come across as yourself and it'll all seem rehearsed. As long as you know what not to do, which you do, you're gonna be fine. Oh yeah, and don't get your hopes up too high just in case. Link to post Share on other sites
Lisalisa2 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I am in the situation where my ex left after a LTR 8 months ago. He still wants to keep in contact, do the friends thing, catch up, but I just can't do it. It was his choice to leave. He is in a relationship. His only intention is to be friends and I just can't do it, despite the fact that I love him. Link to post Share on other sites
lilria Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 It's about you right now, not about him.. It's about your wants and needs therefor with him take it easy and see where it goes.. but don't let him get away with anything.. Link to post Share on other sites
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