What next?

[Deb H]

My daughter has been married almost 6 years. Her husband is very successful, and they pretty much have everything they want. They have a 3 year old daughter, who is the light of my life! They got married young, and things have changed since then.

 

DD moved out and stayed a week with me in January. She said for 2 1/2 years she had been unhappy with things at home, mostly because of her DH's drinking. Plus the fact that he doesn't take responsibility for much except for working. Some people would like to have that problem eh? Just goes to show money doesn't buy happiness.

 

He has always been a mama's boy and that hasn't changed. If DD doesn't have time or tells him to take care of it himself, he just calls Mom and she does it. The bulk of their money is in accounts that his Mom oversees, and DD isn't even on it. She also has DH's bro and sis accounts, too. DH says he doesn't want to deal with it, so it's easier for mom to leverage more money to get higher rates. yea right, those days are gone. Here's my DD, 26, with a child, keeping up a house, a college education but DH won't ask Mom for his money. Before they married he had never used an ATM card and if he needed money his mom would go get it for him.

 

He agreed to quit drinking when she came back in January. and that he was going to talk to his mom about the accounts. 6 + months later, and DD is miserable. Everything is right back where it was, the money never did get her name added to it. She is NOT looking to take money from him. She just wants to grow up and learn and take responsibility. Instead of using her charge card whenever and then asking Mom to transfer moeney to the joint checking so they can pay it. In January when property taxes were due, Mom brought the tax bill over and told her she could pay it. Talk about a slap in the face. Either he's not telling his mom everything, or she's just rubbing it in.

 

He also didn't drink when they got married, and then as he got away from his parents, he started to go thru what he didn't go thru as a younger adult (he's 30 now) His father is a recovering alcoholic, but doesn't believe he was. He just chose to quit and thats that.

 

This past weekend, DH came home drunk and was lying to her about where he'd been. She came over and spent the night on Sat. Up until this time, he had refused to leave, saying it was HIS house. She finally convinced him to let her and M to come home and he move out, because it was best for his daughter. Back in January it was HIS house and pretty much always is. No partnership with them at all.

 

DD says she wished she had recognized all this when she was younger. She was 16 when she met him. Everything is about him. Of course it takes 2 and I'm sure she has things that he wishes were different.

 

So anyway, DH got a room at Holiday Inn, but is still coming home during the day, watching TV and working at his computer. He has an office but he is working remotely. Crazy.

 

Since January I've seen my daughter get more and more down. I've suffered from depression so I know the signs. She has stopped doing things she liked to do. She never had many friends, but over the last couple years the ones she had have slacked off because of her isolating. She won't go to a therapist, says she doesn't want to talk to anybody about it. She says she is not being pessimistic, she is being a realist. She's not isolating, she just doesn't have friends. That I don't realize that the way she deals with things is to sit and think about it. I've given her a journal and suggested just writing it out, because sometimes just getting it out can make things seem a bit better. She says she's not like that.

 

My GD birthday is this week, and DD hadn't even planned a get together, something the family always does. She has refused to let me tell anyone, saying she doesn't want people talking about her behind her back. I finally today booked a party at Chuck E Cheese so we could invite familly. At first, she said Chuck E Cheese is stupid, and I said not to M!

 

I have been trying to be supportive of her, and not push the depression thing. However today she seemed even more so, and after having a big blowout party for M last year, she was almost going to ignor it this year. I finally called when M was down for her nap and asked her again to see a therapist, or perhaps a psychiatrist to be evaluated. She flew off the handle and said she knows herself better than anyone, and she's not depressed. I'm not going to cram medicine down her throat. I've tried telling her she can't really see that many of the symptoms are her, because of it. She says meds won't make DH change. I just want to get thru to her! I asked her how she could consider herself so perfect that the way other people deal with things don't apply to her. Then I asked her what she had done to help herself today. She said what do you mean. I repeated. I said, if you won't let anyone help you, how are you helping yourself. She just acted confused, and i believe she really is.

 

If I give her readng material she won't read it. If I give her a lit of al anon meetings she ignors it. She's better than everyone else! At least that is the air she is trying to protray. I know she's a scared lil girl inside, and also having all the feelings of guilt over leaving a marriage, and stuff that goes along with that. She doesn't understand that depression makes things look worse than they are. Or makes you feel hopeless when maybe there is hope.

 

Ok, I've run on and on. Thanks for listening and if you have any words of wisdom on how to get thru to her (I've even said do it for your DD)

 

For now I'll just keep loving on her and try to teach her as we go.

[bubbles5]

Firstly these was too big post to read so i have just read in between so few things I will try to help since I am not so good with money matters stuff but still will try to help u,

 

First and foremost DONT let your daughter get into depression bcos she is having 3 yr old child , means ur grand daughter , make your daughter understand to THINK RATIONALLY AND NOT EMOTIONALLY ,

GUIDE YOUR DAUGHTER TO TAKE HER OWN DECISIONS ,

AND MOST IMPORTANT MAKE YOUR DAUGHTER UNDERSTAND THAT SHE HAS 3 yr old DAUGHTER (GRAND-DAUGHTER) and its her responsibilty to take care since his husband is not at all listening or understanding your daughter.

 

You are her mom so just tell your daughter how much u love her and u r there for , sometimes words make greater impact on the time of bad crisis.

 

Regarding money matters I would suggest u to 100% consult some professional who handles with money n stuff. Its better to pay fees n get advice from professional on how to handle her own money since she is getting no support frm her in laws ,

Your daughter has to think practically also if she wants to survive make her independent , try to boost her spirit with telling your past problems n how you had tackled situations , All she needs is some boost just try to give her confidence .

 

She will manage n she has to think for herself and daughter no matter how heart -breaking it may be to leave her husband , but I pray that it never happens to that extent.

bcos here its question surving n raising her 3 yr old daughter n she should also know that her husband is also being selfish to her thats why he is not standing for her nor he is having any sort of kindness towards her.

 

Hope it helps tell her to save money for herself