Ex girlfriend won't let go

[pinkroses]

What is wrong with women these days, that they can be so aggressive and so pathetic and shameless to want a man back no matter how much he rejects her or is even unkind (because of her persistance)?? My boyfriend went with someone off and on for about 3 years before we got together. The relationship has never worked and he was never happy in it, but whenever things ended and some guy she had run to didn't work out, she always ended up calling him, crying and begging him back. I suppose he went back mainly out of preference to being alone, I really don't know the reasons why. Well, I've been seeing him now for almost 5 months and we've been pretty happy together. A week ago she called him, again crying and saying she missed and loved him and wanted him back. He refused to see her, and told her he was seeing someone else and didn't want her back. He told a mutual friend about how he didn't want her anymore. He must have been afraid of my reaction because he didn't tell me until a week later. When we talked about it, for some reason he kept defending this girl, saying she wasn't really a bad person and he did love her at one time, and left me feeling like anything could happen. He talked like a brainwashed person, because that's not what he told our mutual friend. Why would he try to drive the point home to me that he once cared for her? I suspect his mother, who became very friendly and attached to the girl, had been trying to talk him back into it. It was like he was playing on my emotions, but I don't understand why. He told me he had no intentions of going back with her, and hasn't missed or even thought about her. So why is he suddenly talking about her like she "wasn't that bad"? Guilt? To make me jealous?

 

I am worried this person will be back, she lives out of state but not that far away. She was in town fora few days and he suspected she was stalking him. What makes women keep going after a guy when they are rejected and humiliated like that? I am equally angry and disgusted at both her and my boyfriend. True, he is keeping her away, but he told me too many nice things about her, which don't jive with the things he's said about her all along, to me and the mutual friend. I'm thinking surely he wouldn't go back to a very emotionally unstable person who cheated on him repeatedly, didn't like his child, and made him miserable. On the one hand he kept her at bay and didn't allow her to come over and see him, but on the other hand he talked (to me, of all people) like he felt sorry for her. I am afraid he will be stupid like so many men are, and go back to what is familiar and has a long history, despite the conflicts and problems that will never be resolved. Any advice on how to handle or not handle this situation?

[monkey00]

I think he's just trying to let u know his history with her, the situation, and in order to comfort you so you wont have suspicions. It's better to tell the truth now than finding out about the secret later, which would cause more problems if you had found out yourself.

[susie-Q]

I can tell you one thing, this isn't just a girl thing. I had only dated this one guy (guy A) for about two weeks and realized there just wasnt anything there. Afterwards, I did end up getting back with a former boyfriend (guy B). Well, now guy A calls and IMs me like 3 sometimes 4, times a day. I try to tell him that I'm already in a relationship but he just wont accept it. Oh but wait, it gets better. The guy B is a police officer. Well, he's well known around campus and has arrested several of my friends...including guy b...while I was dating him. Its actually kind of funny because guy A will say things to me about how much he hates guy B....haha, if he only knew...Although I have considered telling him WHO I'm in a relationship with. Maybe that would scare him off....hhmmmm....

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You sound like you want your guy to totally despise and hate this girl. Just because you are no longer in a relationship with someone doesn't not mean you stop caring about them. For some reason, we confuse caring and romantic love and feel like if a guy cares for another woman other than us he's falling in love with her or want to get with her. Yes, they have a history together, and despite how tumultuous it was, he still cares about her. And why does she keep coming back? Probably for that fact. Or probably because he went back to her more before after they broke up and she feels if he did it once he could do it again. If he's really not interested in getting back with her, and he's telling her so, and he's actually not showing any romantic interest in her, she'll eventually get the hint. You've only been with him for 5 months, and that doesn't equal the 3 years they've been involved with one another. Do you really expect things to suddenly change? It's going to take time.

[Baubles]

I agree w/ This Girl- they did have 3 years...you only have 5 months.

 

Most likely he still does have some fondness for her- and can remember the good times in reflection, and that's healthy. You should be more concerned if he hated her and dated her that long- it would say very little about him to be w/ someone he didn't really care for (and make your wonder what he really thinks of yourself, that's the case).

 

Best thing you can do is either force him to break all contact w/ her (and ultimatums never work w/ men) or let it die naturally- it's only been 5 months, most relationships take half the time of dating to get over, I hear. After some more months of not seeing him, she'll find someone new. In the interim, I wouldn't be so obsessed w/ it- if they're not dating each other- it shouldn't be that bothersome. I wouldn't keep pitting him against her- b/c while he probably exagerrated some of her faults he did like qualities in her- he may start getting defensive. You'll appear way more mature to just be unfazed by it- the sign of a secure confident woman.

 

He really ought to have a talk or a face to face w/ her (without you) and give it some closure- that there were some good times but it didn't work out and he moved on.