Should i tell friend i love her? - Please help!.

[mrmoose]

Hi, i'm a 23 year old student, from the UK.

 

Whilst on a work placement last year i met a girl and we became good friends. We used to go out drinking several times a week, and had a good laugh. Towards the end of the placement, i realised i had feelings for her, but never told her incase she reacted in the usual way and ran off screaming, into the sunset. We continued going out, even taking afternoons off together to go out for a meal and a drink.

 

I even offered to take her and some of our other friends out for a day, arranging to meet everyone together, however when i got there, she told me that none of the others could make it, and she quite wanted to go for a walk in the woods, and a meal. We did this and i felt that i was getting somewhere, then my ex showed up in the restaurant... bit of a mood killer.

 

A few weeks later we took and afternoon off as we were both leaving to return to university, and i planned to tell her how i felt, but was dismayed when she started telling me about how much fun she was having being single etc etc. Later that night, once a few other friends had showed up, she asked me to walk her home, and started groping me in the pub. I walked her home, she was fairly drunk, so i saw her into her house and left, after her telling me "I'm not drunk, but i am tired, you won't get much of a performance out of me tonight". I suspect i panicked at her frankness, and left.... it's all a bit of a blur.

 

Not much was said after that, things became awkward, until be both left for university. I went to visit here around christmas, and was just starting to relax at her local pub quiz, when a bloke came and sat at the table (we had already been there a couple of hours, and had previously been out for a meal, shared an ice cream: "it's like we're almost kissing", she told me.), she then introduced him as her boyfriend.

 

I spent the remainder of the night, feeling decidedly uncomfortable, and with the girl stroking my leg under the table. We walked the "boyfriend" home, and she didn't kiss him, hug him or anything, just put her arm aroun dme and walked off. We got back to her place, had a coffee, and a long discussion about how attractive my nose was, and how she wasn't getting enough exercise. She then told me that i couldn't sleep on the floor in the lounge as it was too cold and i could come and sleep in her room. Confused i declined and once again left her in the lurch at 2am.

 

Surprisingly she asked me to visit again a few months later, after she had broken up with her boyfriend. I went there again, we went out for a meal, and walked back to her place, where she started making up a bed for me, when she had done, she pointed out that it looked much more comfotable than her's, and she might sleep in it. At this point, a girl i had been seeing for a couple of weeks rang me. I became wracked with guilt and again left... she was slightly more resistant to letting me leave this time, hugging me in the street and telling me i didin't have to go i should stay with her.

 

This may all sound incredibly stupid to you, but I really cannot tell whether she is really interested or just playing about with me. Everyone at my work insisted that she was only playing around with me, but then several of them, including my best mate, attempted, and failed, to sleep with her.

 

I am still in touch with her now, and i am as confused as ever. I have having trouble sleeping, i dream about living with her, or being with her, and wake up heartbroken. I go out, smell the perfume she wears, and foolishly believe she might be in the bar somewhere. The strange thing that one of the things i miss most is doing the crossword in the newspaper together like we used to at work. I realise i am a sad, hopeless case, but i need advice to resolve this.

 

Do i tell her how i feel, and risk ruining our friendship, and the chances i currently have to see her, or do i keep quiet and hope that the feelings will gradually diminish. (They still havn't a year and a half on since i first met her, they've only got stronger.)

 

And if i am to tell her, do i tell her now, via email/instant messaging while she is on holiday with her friend (a girl), or wait until she comes back and arrange to meet, and explain the situation.

 

Unrequited - Manchester

[moimeme]

I'm always surprised that people want to tell someone about their feelings before actually dating. Start asking her to visit and to go out with you. Remain in close contact - establish habits that couples have, like speaking to her often. Don't just rush up with "I want to spend my life with you". However, make it clear that you are interested in spending a lot more time with her.

[mrmoose]

I agree that blurting out "i love you" would probably scare her off. While she was working with me we did devolp the habits that couples have, we would talk constantly via email durin ghte day, and see each other four or five times a week outside work.

 

I'm not very good at reading signals from people, and generally, when i do think they are interested, convince my self that i've got the wrong end of the stick, and so don't do anything. To be honest i'm useless at making the first move, and always chicken out, i think she may have become frustrated with this that night in the pub, but i am also terrified of what her reaction may be, she may never want to see me.

[shoregirl108]

I, too, also agree. Don't just blurt out your feelings, but I feel that being in a situation once before where I was doing the exact same things as this girl....that she actually does feel something for you - but is also afraid of crossing a boundry and possibly losing a friendship as she may not understand what you are feeling. Invite her to places and ask her to spend more time with you. Feel each other out in different situations - you may just realize that you are both feeling the exact same thing. I've had too many things happen to me where I didn't take chances on what could be....IMHO, i say take this chance and see if there is something there....but don't profess how you feel w/o spending more time with her. Good luck in your ventures!

[mrmoose]

Thanks shoregirl, it's reassuring to hear this, i had convinced myself that i was imagining things and was suffering from wishful thinking. She's away now for a good few months, so i have time to sort out my plan of action... more time together could be difficult as we live 300 miles apart, but i can talk to her more. I had a long chat with her tonight, and felt that progress was made. Good to hear it's not just me in this position