Longterm Girlfriend not in love with me anymore--how do I react?

[alman82]

We're both in our mid-late 20's. Been dating for over 4 years--live together, and have been talking about getting married sometime soon. But then bombshell- She told me that she is not sure she's in love with me anymore. She said she definitely doesn't feel like she used to. Problem is my feelings for her are as strong as ever. We live together, so giving her space is an interesting thing. I realize she needs time to figure things out as this is a big decision.

 

My question to you all is how do I act around her now? Should I avoid telling her I love her? Should I not try and be affectionate at all? Should I ignore her to a certain extent? I've never been in this situation before and frankly the whole ordeal is really breaking my heart. I'm going to let her sort things out in her mind, but I'm just not sure how to act around her/towards during this period. Any advice?

[Thornton]

This is a tough one. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but in my experience when someone says they're no longer in love with you it's pretty much a death knell for the relationship. All you can do is try to give her some space to work things out, if she's not feeling very loving then she may not feel like getting physical either. Perhaps sprucing up your image might help too, if you think the issue might be lack of physical attraction rather than lack of emotional connection and friendship.

[alman82]

thx for the reply back. Yeah it is a tough one. Have been doing my best to spruce up my image---good idea. Yeah, I'm very hesitant to do any emotional outreach to her because she's remarked that little things I do she is starting to find very annoying. (I know this doesn't sound good)...I know I just need to give her space, so maybe I should just try and disappear as much as possible. work late, sleep on the couch, etc.

[mistletoe]

hey there:)

 

do what you feel like doing as long as you know you're doing the right thing to save this relationship and that you are not in the wrong. i'm sure there was a reason why she might have said this to you.

since you two have been together for a pretty long time, you should feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with her. speak to her:)

[giotto]

giver her space, but carry on showing her that you care for her... as others have said, it sounds like it might be the end of it, but pushing her into a decision won't help. Give her space and allow her to think...

[alman82]

thanks for the feedback everyone. there's not anyone else i can talk to about this, so you guys are my only sounding board.

 

okay, so, by giving her space what are the things that I should not do?

 

for example, yesterday I said maybe we should meet up for lunch today, but now I'm thinking I should call her and cancel because maybe its not good for us to have lunch?

 

 

• not compliment her on her outfits, etc
  
• not make her breakfast
  
• etc
  

i"m a VERY giving personality, and have always been, so I just want to know if allowing her to have space means that I should do my best not give at all? Im guessing so, since she might find it annoying. *sigh* I feel so defeated.

 

@mistletoe we have talked about it. We feel very comfortable sharing our thoughts, but honestly I'm worried about burdening her with my pain, because I dont want it to make her feel guilty. She knows that this is all very tough for me (well and her too). She's just very confused why she doesn't feel the same way for me anymore (and I am too of course). She said there's nothing at all she can point to...she just cant figure it out.

 

*sigh* thanks for listening everyone.

[giotto]

Has she got a friend she can move in or stay with for a few days? What about her parents? She need to be without you for a while, otherwise she will never sort herself out, with you being always there. I know it sounds hard, but she needs to know where she stands and she can't do that by staying put...

[carhill]

OP, are you still 'in love' with her? If so, she proactively demoted the relationship. Encourage her to leave and figure this out, since she made the choice to tell you this. You're no longer on the same page. She needs to own her responsibility for her choice. People on LS often say loving someone (and the attendant commitment) is a choice.

 

Imagine for a moment that you had said exactly the same thing. Would your ass not be out the next day, whether you wanted to leave or not? Yes, that's what I mean.

 

Learn what it's like to have a woman mad at you. Set your boundaries

[530 Guy]

Go with your gut dude, you know more than any of us do about your relationship.