How could he change so much

[Butterfly1]

About 8 months ago I met this guy that I thought was "perfect". After our first date he sends me an email and tells me that he should have mentioned it to me but that he was on a "break" from his girlfriend that he had been dating for almost a year in a half. I understand and said that he could keep in touch if he wanted. (we met while I was visiting for a week) I move back to the city two/three months later and we end up dating as soon as I got back. He told me at first that he had just broken up with this girl and didn't know if he was ready for serious relationship but that he wanted to continue dating. Since it was the first date, I really wasn't thinking much about the future.

 

I let him lead the relationship and he gets really serious with me really fast. He calls me everyday, spends all his free time with me, asks me to go away with him on weekends, he even meets part of my family. We had so much in common and so much fun and I really believed that I had found "the one" (we are both 28) Three and half months later I have to return to finish grad school and ask him about the future. He tells me at first that he is not sure if he is ready for another serious relationship (when we had been pretty serious) but that he wants to continue dating and see what happens.

 

I leave for school and two weeks later I come back to see him. He calls me a few days before I come and tells me that he is 'confused" and for me to stay with one of my friends. I am heartbroken and ask him if he is breaking upw ith me and he says "no, i just need some time". I see him when I get back and he tells me the first night that I had all the qualities his ex didn't have that he looked for, that after a few months dating me he could see us together "long term" and that he got scared. He also said that his ex (who lives on his floor) has been calling him and stopping by and he remembers the strong feelings he had for her. I asked if he wanted to get back together and he said "probably not" and that he doesn't feel like he would be able to escape until he moved out of the building in June.

 

Anyway, two days later we are suppose to go out again and he ends up standing me up. I called him and when he finally picked up he was drunk and yelling at me and denied having plans with me. He hangs up the phone on me and calls me a few days later and apologizes and says that "I guess we are not dating anymore but I would like to talk about this". He finally lets me know on a voice mail that he no longer wants to date me. I call him back a few days later and I agree....based off his actions I am better off moving on. He says he wants to keep the door open for the future but that he is just not ready to be in a relationship with anyone at this time.

 

I tell him that I am coming back the following weekend and he suggests that we get togethre on that Saturday. I say okay. I email him this week and he says that we could have lunch and he would call me that day. Saturday comes and he stands me up AGAIN. I call him and he calls me back and tells me that he "forgot". I tell him that he didn't forget....we just talked about it a couple of days ago. He then says "I am just not ready to see you yet". I say "You can see your ex girlfriend but you can't see me!". He says that it was different. I say that he broke up with me on a voicemail and that I wanted to see him in person for this. He then says "We were never dating....we never had any commitment.." I burst into tears. "What do you mean?". I asked him why he called me everyday, why he took me away on weekends, why meet my family and how could he sleep with me when he knows I don't sleep around and treat me like that.....as I am saying this he hangs up the phone on me and turns off his phone.

 

No, I am never contacting him again but my question is HOW could he treat me like this. If he wanted to break up, then why couldn't he have done it over the phone. He treated me soo well up until the day I left and two weeks later he turns into someone I don't know. HOw in his mind can he see that we were not dating? How could he hang up on me while I am crying or stand me up without calling and cancelling before? I am just so confused and disspointed that someone I was falling in love with coudl treat me like this.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

How could he treat you like that? Because you let him. All through out this relationship this guy has been telling you that he doesn't want a serious relationship, and you didn't listen to him. Regardless of how nice a man treats you, if he's saying over and over again that he doesn't want to get serious, he means it. I know that may not sound fair, or it may not sound right, but it's true. So why did he lead you on? He didn't. He just got milk for free without buying the cow, meaning, he got all the perks and advantages of being in a serious relationship without truly being in a serious relationship because you gave it to him, and you let him know by your actions that it was okay to do so.

 

When things started to "appeared" serious to you, or when you felt that both of you were engaging in things that you felt only people in a serious relationship do, you should have stopped the show right there, tell him "no we can't do that." Contrary to what you believe, he did not lead the relationship. You did, because he couldn't have gone as far as he did with you without your permission. If a man tells you up front that he's not interested in a serious relationship, is scared of a long term relationship, or that he's trying to get over a past relationship, please respect his honesty and do not allow yourself to get emotionally involved unless or until he says that he's ready to progress the relationship.

[Butterfly1]

I don't understand that just becauase he said that on the first date, means anything later on. He said he wasn't sure if he was ready and I agreed to just go with the flow of things. HIS actions were inconsistent. To me, if he didn't want things to get serious, then why call everyday, spend all your free time with someone, INVITE THEM to your home for Thanksgiving, tell them how great they are, take them away on weekends, ASK to go to your parents home, how they could see you together long term. PLease tell me how what he said the first night gives him an out of jail free card from changing from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Jerk in a span of TWO weeks. How?

 

How did I let him? How does that justify making plans and standing me up? When I talked to him a few weeks ago he even admitted that things HAD gotten serious (and that it scared him) Why weren't his actions consistent? Tell me that. So that means he can still stand me up, deny making plans, and then say "We were never dating" and hang up the phone.

 

I always respected myself in this relationship. The only mistake I might have made was picking up the phone and talking to him after he stood me up a couple of weeks ago and then agreeing to meet him again. In my opinion, NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. NO ONE.

 

He broke up with his exgirlfriend and had been breaking up with her for 6 months (when they only dated 1 1/2 years) If he wasn't ready to move on, then why get so serious with me?

[moimeme]

Some men who don't want relationships still want all the good things a relationship can provide and end up in doing to/with a woman what yours did to/with you. They fill the gaps in their lives with you; it's a convenience, I fear. When they find someone else closer to their ideal for a relationship, they dump you because someone else is now meeting their needs.

 

You are asking why he did not behave like a decent, rational man. I suspect that's because he may not be one.

[BraveGirl]

God I feel for you Butterfly.

Doesn't mean you did anything wrong, doesn't mean he's a bad guy.

Trying to comprehend his kind of behaviour ( I have been there, still am) seems impossible.

Maybe it's fear, maybe some guys can't see a good thing when it hits them in the face.

Am trying to figure this one out myself.

[midori]

Originally posted by Butterfly1

I don't understand that just becauase he said that on the first date, means anything later on. He said he wasn't sure if he was ready and I agreed to just go with the flow of things. HIS actions were inconsistent. To me, if he didn't want things to get serious, then why call everyday, spend all your free time with someone, INVITE THEM to your home for Thanksgiving, tell them how great they are, take them away on weekends, ASK to go to your parents home, how they could see you together long term. PLease tell me how what he said the first night gives him an out of jail free card from changing from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Jerk in a span of TWO weeks. How?

 

This is a really tough situation, but unfortunately one that people find themselves in quite a bit. I have. My housemate has. Lots of people (usually women?) have been there.

 

Moimeme and others have suggested, and I agree, that some guys just like to have all the trappings of a serious relationship, without the commitment actually being in place. He gave you his warning at the outset. If you were taking that seriously, you would have said, "uh, gee, thanks for the invite to your folks' place for Thanksgiving ... but isn't that a bit much, considering we're really just dating each other casually? I mean, I appreciate the offer but this suggests to me that you're seeing this not as just a casual thing."

 

Probably he hadn't thought it through when he brought you along, took you away, and generally made it appear as if he viewed you as his exclusive girlfriend. He was just going along with what felt right at the moment. Not everyone thinks about the implications of their actions.

 

How did I let him? How does that justify making plans and standing me up?

 

I wouldn't say that you led him on. I would say that you led yourself on. You made the reasonable but unfortunately incorrect assumption that, like you, he wouldn't behave like he was serious unless he was serious. You allowed his behavior to override the condition he placed at the outset. You wanted more and you assumed that he'd seen the light and so it was a moot point about whether or not the two of you were committed. You should have checked in with him about that.

 

And no, of course it doesn't justify standing you up. There's never an excuse for that.

 

When I talked to him a few weeks ago he even admitted that things HAD gotten serious (and that it scared him) Why weren't his actions consistent? Tell me that. So that means he can still stand me up, deny making plans, and then say "We were never dating" and hang up the phone.

 

His actions were inconsistent because his mind is inconsistent. On the one hand he has reasons for not wanting a serious relationship. On the other hand he's not good at keeping himself in check, at paying attention to the significance and implications of the things that he says and does -- and so he got himself in deeper with you than he'd intended to. He was able to go along with that discrepant m.o. for a while, but eventually he had to confront the fact that, despite his wish not to, he was in a serious relationship.

 

I always respected myself in this relationship. The only mistake I might have made was picking up the phone and talking to him after he stood me up a couple of weeks ago and then agreeing to meet him again. In my opinion, NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. NO ONE.

 

I absolutely agree that no one deserves such treatment. You have seen now that his mind works in a very different way from yours. I would wager that he's not as emotionally self-aware as you are. I would guess that he leaves a lot of messes in his wake and he's never quite sure how and why things get so messed up.

 

He broke up with his exgirlfriend and had been breaking up with her for 6 months (when they only dated 1 1/2 years) If he wasn't ready to move on, then why get so serious with me?

 

Because getting involved with someone else is a good way to redirect all of your emotions and energies when you don't want to have them focused on your ex. Because a break-up that takes 6 months to happen is not a clean break-up. Because he's not very self-aware, he sees things in the moment as is most convenient for him to see. Because he's not very good at appreciating the implications of his words and actions. Because, in short, he's not emotionally mature or responsible.

 

He may have many fine qualities. But he's not able to be honest with himself, so you can hardly expect him to be honest with you.

 

My advice is to recognize that you've got a guy who is simply incapable of seeing what's going on in his own, immediate emotional life. Hurtful for you in the short run, yes. I'm sorry about that, I've been there myself. But believe me, in the long run he'll suffer far more because of it. Not that you want him to suffer necessarily. But it's his problem ultimately, not yours. You just didn't realize you were involved with a guy who isn't an emotional grown-up.

 

Through hard experience I've learned that I cannot assume that others see things the way I do, even when things seem very obvious. It's a hard thing to remember even now. My rule of thumb is, "when in doubt, ask." Guy says he doesn't want anything serious, then behaves as if marriage is around the corner? Ask what's going on. Remember, you signed on for a supposedly non-serious relationship. Ostensibly that was OK with you (now be honest with yourself -- was it?) Then, strangely, it was for all intents and purposes quite serious. Why didn't that raise some questions for you?

[Coffee13]

I just place my own terribly long post so perhaps I don't know much. Anyway, I definitely think that the terms of a relationship should be expressed clearly. I don't think it's your fault that the two of you got serious because he participated but as another writer said "ask questions". With my ex-fiance who I wrote about in my post, the thing that made me cut him off was that he was willing to talk to me on the phone, IM me, take trips with me, go places but when I asked 'so why are we doing all these things?', he told me 'I needed to get out the relationship not the friendship'. Of course after being engaged, they went hand-in-hand so knowing that he would be perfectly fine to do all these relationship things with me and possibly not be emotionally affected, while I would be emotionally affected, I said 'wait a minute. No, I will not be your friend as much as I love and want to see you and continue to know you, that's not fair to me'. I am grateful for that bit of honesty...another thing people have said to you: 'the man could have lied'. Though, I see your point that just because he told you 8 months ago that he didn't want to get serious doesn't mean it was your job alone to keep the relationship in check when he did so many things in that 8 months to make you think it was okay to open up to him. I feel your pain. To trust someone with your heart and be betrayed by him shutting you out even if it never manifests in blatant wrongs for ex. hanging up the phone hurts a lot.

[Butterfly1]

Guess my reply didn't go through before....

 

Thank you all for your posts. I can't tell you how much they have helped me. I do think now that he did not behave in a rational and decent way to me on Saturday and I realize that he really can't be honest with me if he hasn't been honest with himself. I hate to think that I was just his rebound relationship, but perhaps I was. It was just so nice having someone give me that much attention and honestly up until I left to return to school, he made me happier then I ever thought possible.

 

He must lack emotional maturity. I will move on but now at least I know that I am better off without this guy. Thank you again for all your help.