He wants a break but is still living w/ me, my heart is breaking

[justwannabehappy]

Hi, I really want some help and opinions!! My heart is breaking!!

 

Like lots of other people I found this site searching for answers. I'm 19/f, I want some honest and true answers, so I will give u the whole picture, nothing hidden. I know this might seem a little long but please, bear w/ me. I'm a bright happy never sad almost have a perfect life person . I have been with my Boyfriend for 1yr and 4mos, ever since I was 18, at the end of highschool. Our relationship has been PERFECT. We have many mutual friends together, we never fight, no problems at all but just pure happiness. We have pretty much been seeing each other every day since the day we were together, or rather actually even before that when we were just friends. Everything was perfect, after about 3-4months, he even moved into my house (actually my parents' house since I still live at home). You most think that this is crazy, of course at first my parents weren't really happy with it but then they saw how happy we've been and accepted it. The one year frame was total happiness, all we wanted was just each other. Whenever I get off work or school all I wanted to do was just come home and see him, and he would do the same. Nothing else mattered at all, and we were never sick of each other. Until....

 

Until about 3 months ago. I know before me he has been a party guy but since he has been with me, like I said before all he wanted was me. He barely even went to any events at all. But he started again, he started wanting to go out w/o me, before he brought me w/ him everywhere. I was still alright at first until about 1 month ago. His parents were away, their house was free so that was when he wanted his "first break", he moved back to his house. At first he told me he just wanted a break for 'time and space'. Like all of you that had experience this before, I was crushed, heartbroken. I didn't understant, but he said is just so he could spend more time with friends and that we would still spend time together. I was really sad but I accepted it. Then from another person who was still living at his house, I found out he has been noticeably hanging out a lot w/ this one girl. I was shocked, then I talked to him. He didn't mention about seeing other people at all before, I thought all he wanted was just not seeing me so much. ( I still hung out with him every night and lived at his house for a few days too cuz had problems w/ my parents too) But then he told me that's what he mean, that and also a chance to see what else is out there. After I heard those words I felt like I wanted to die. "what else is out there", why, why, am I not good enough, does he not love me anymore?why...but he still told me he loves me...and I know he does. I accepted it, loving him as much as I still do, I tried to be understanding and gave him what he wanted though the very thought of him w/ other girls was killing me. I cired and cried so much..but of course not in front of him. One day 2 weeks after that one night he announced that he was done w/ his break, that he was sorry, that he talked to everyone and they all say he is crazy to not be w/ me...(coincidentally, his mom came back the next day)..he moved back to my house.

 

After that for 2 weeks, things has been better, I was happy again, but I could see that somehow he is different. I brought the issue up one night about 2 wks ago,..also about what happened the last break, how he made me felt...ect. Much were said. I asked him many question. one was "was he really done". He decided maybe he wasn't and now we are on our "second break". He told me the whole time up till recently like I mention before all he wanted was me,.to see my face, that every little thing I did made him happy, but lately, maybe we spent too much time together or something, they don't exite him, they don't do all that for him anymore. He even said he doesn't even want to make love to me anymore, and so that was why he wanted the break so maybe it would resolve everything and he'll miss me again. My newly just healing heart was shattered all over again. That night I cried so much, the next day, my eyes were so swollen I barely had any eyelids. I didn't understand what was wrong, how can you just lost that desire for someone like that, fore I still love him and want him as much as did from the very first day, first kiss, first huge, first stare into his eyes. I asked him many times since the 1st break if he loves me, he said he doese, I knew he mean it. I had also asked him if he wants to break up w/ me, He said no and I knew he mean it. Even under secret conversation that his friends tell me about, they asked him the same things, he still said to them he loves me...etc. I'm really confused. Here comes the messed up part: HE IS STILL LIVING WITH ME/SHARING SAME BED ON THIS BREAK. I talked to many people, everyone including people closed to him that I'm not going to mention who said I should just leave him, that I'm better than him, that I'm too good for him...ect, but I LOVE HIM. I actually considered having him move out, one night I was so determined of doing that, I asked him if he was just using me, if he lives w/ me to be away from his parents, but he said only because he wants to be with me. I caved. I gave in. Its just so confusing. He said I'm still his GF but for now just no relationship things, that we could still care and love each other, just be more like Best friends for now. I've been feeling numb. I don't know how do describe it but NUMB, as if nothing he does out of his selfishness surprise me anymore. Its been two weeks, I accepted that. I've been just concentrating just on myself, my school, work and stuff, but its catching up with me again. I tried to ignore him, haven't been home as much, hang out w/ friends instead of coming home after school/work. Its been working. But then he calls me and stuff when he sees i'm not home. He hangs out late to parties and stuff with his "new friends" almost everyday. Comes and goes. I can't help thinking what if he is "hang out" with some other girl. He just left tonite a little while ago for another party thing. But still tells me he loves me. I'm lost, sad, confused, depressed, heartbroken. Every time when I see him leaves, I know that he knows he is putting me through a lot, but it almost seems like as if he doesn't give a sh*t. I've been trying to hide my sadness so it wouldn't affect his sorting things out. But every time when I see him leave, just like tonight, I feel like each time, he's takeing a pieces of my heart with him piece by piece.

 

I have this little Pooh bear that he gave me as my fifth month anniversery present. I huge it to sleep every nite not because its cute and fussy, but becasue it was the last present that he gave me when I knew he loved me. In some way, although he still lives w/ me I feel like as if this stupid little stuffed animal is the only part of him that I have left to actually hold on to. Even as close as 3 months ago, when we took a road trip to Yakima, on the way home, I was dead tired, he noticed, he reached out his arms, held me so I could sleep safe and soundly on his lap. The sun was shining bright right onto my face, he saw and he held out his hand shealing the light from my eyes almost the whole way back. I knew then he loves me. He has always convinced me that I was the one for him and he was the one for me. But then why is he doing this now? I'm hurting so much. I thought about what my friends said, about leaving him. But I can't imagine my life w/o him. Everything in my life now includes him, and I've always see him in my future. I can never ever love anyone else the way I love him. I'm so scared, hurt, with the way things are going, the way he has been treating me, I'm scared that one day I might stop loving him or I might even hate him. I don't want to stop loving him. Everything came out of nowhere, I've always been happy my whole life. I just want to be happy again... I just want him back like before...To see the love for me in his eyes..to feel it from his lips...I just want everything to be back to normal..I don't know what to do anymore. God, I just love him so much,..I loved him with my whole heart!! I have always done everything for him and myself. Maybe I'm naive but I thought "well, I love this person so much, that is why I want to give him everything and do everything in my power for him to make him happy, and when I do, he'll see it, and he'll appreciate me more and more, and would want to treat me just the same way in return." It used to be like that, what's change, why does he want the breaks, why is he treating me like this.... I feel so foolish and stupid....what should I do....in 2 days, it would be our actual 1yr 4mos annv...I keep think about everything ...I don't know what to do anymore.........Please help me...any advice would be appreciated.........

[tredulce]

First of all,

I really feel for you. I've felt that sort of rejection (on a much smaller scale) and even the amount I felt was just heart wrenching. I can't imagine what you're going through and it must be so hard. I really, really feel for you.

 

Second, remember this saying "If you love something, set it free." And, if it loves you back, it will return. I truly believe that. He obviously does love you, and I think you know that isn't the issue. But he is a young man, and young men need to figure a lot of stuff out--and he's not going to be good "forever" material until he figures things out.

 

You need to set him free in order to force him into figuring things out. Being totally without you will show him a lot and it will bring the situation to a head. You need to do it, you can be strong....it's an act of love, really. It is the ultimate act of love...to show that sort of faith in someone and what you have with that person. And, if that faith was misplaced, you'll find out and know sooner rather than later..which is always better.

 

Good luck, keep posting if anything comes up...my heart goes out to you!

[Coffee13]

The more I read people's stories, the more they sound the same even my own. I think you are spending too much time trying to guess what he thinks and feels and why he's acting this way when if he truly wanted/was capable of being in a relationship, he would share those things with you. That you have to bring up the conversation says he may not be as mature in love as you are.

[juatwannabehappy]

Thank you for reading my story. Like from other friends of mine, I hear the same advice but It's just so hard to just let go and end it. Right now, he is still living with me, its just so complicated. Sometimes we are okay, but sometimes he is really cold and treates me I feel kinda bad. I know he makes me sad and feel bad sometimes, but it hurts seeing that he doesn't seem to care. We still always tell each other we love each other and stuff. We still hugh each other. But like I have posted originally, he comes and goes. Last night he came back at 5:30am after a guys night out. I know he wouldn't cheat on me and that he loves me. But then how come unlike before where he just wanna stay home with me even if we were really doing anything, why now he wants to go party like every night. He just changed so much. Am I just waiting for something that would never come (the end of the break)?

 

The guys out there, have you ever done something like this? Hurt a girl that you love or loved by doing something similar to what my boyfriend is doing to me? If you do, please tell me why you did it so maybe i could understand why he is doing this to me.

 

Would this break end, would things be like before after? It hurts not knowing, this uncertainty of the future, fore before I have always seen him in it.

[Ouch2]

Well I am going through the same thing with mine but the only differance is he just doesnt come home anymore. He will lie and say he will be home at a certain time and never show up. He just stayed gone this halloweeen week end and I thought I was dieing from a broken heart. I have never felt the way I did this past few days. Well your not alone the way it looks from this post men are acting this way all over the place. I think its the planets or something.

 

Good Luck with your boyfriend

[shopgrl]

My heart goes out to you. It sounds to me like you really love this guy and that he really loves you but he's confused. He's young, you're young. Trust me, I know how you're feeling. I recently went through the same pain and anger you are experiencing. My boyfriend and I broke up for a month. We made a clean break without any contact. I went out with my friends and enjoyed myself (or at least made him think I was happy and moving on) Now, we are slowly trying to work things out and get back together.

 

My advise to you would be to ask him to move out. This will shock he hell out of him. Tell him that unless he moves out, nothing is going to change in your relationship. I don't understand, he says you're still his girlfriend but yet he doesn't want to act like it, ie.. he wants to party all night with his friends and see if there's anyone else out there. But he still sleeps in your bed! How dare him treat you like that.

 

Girl, you deserve better. Please try to move on with your life, go out with your friends, flirt with other guys and try to have fun. I know it's tough but trust me, it will help you... and it will make him think twice about his decision when he sees your moving on. Give him time to miss you. And who knows, when he comes back, you may not even want him!

[carra]

i too, went through the same thing as you girls about two years ago with my then fiance. we were young, both 19. his excuse was he wanted me to change, become more independent and mature. while we were living together, it was really hard to see him act cold toward me and he too would go clubbing, out with friends.

i kept thinking, if he loved me why would he do this to me? anyway, he moved out, and things were alittle easier, i could move on, and see other people. he did come back to me after about two months, saying he loved me and did all this so i could mature.

even though we are married now, he still has the i have to leave you to change you mentality.

it is hard, but we're both young, and love is not perfect. i think a lot of couples go through this stuff in one form or another.

you should kick him out, for your own peace of mind, trust me, it will be a lot easier for you. i hope everything turns back to the way it was, good luck.

[justwannabehappy]

Dear carra and shopgrl

 

I have read many other peopl's stories in this forum similar to mine, most just ends up with the break and heartarches, its pretty discouraging. But knowing at least for the two of you it didn't ended that way gives me hope

 

Tell me....How and when did you and your men got back together? Did you guys' men just came to their own senses and came back to you? Did the break work? How is the relationship now? Are things back to the way they were? Are you happy?

 

I envy you guys because you guys are finally though the pain and finally are probably happy again. I keep on dreaming that this day would come for me, that this break would end but its been about a month now...still nothing. This waiting without end is killing me. I did take you guys' advice to just focus on myself. This whole month, I studied, worked harder than ever, actually made an effort to meet new people and hang out with my friends, shoping, movies, I even went

to the gym. I was just trying to improve and make myself better than ever. For awhile, I thought it was getting better, he actually showed more affection and stuff for a couple of days but then last week, all of a sudden he dissapeared for 3 days...then he called and said he is sorry, came back and now usually gets home about what, 5-6am in the morning. Like I said on my last post, just comes and goes. Sometimes when its quiet and I'm alone, I think about how things were a year ago today, I was happy, he was happy,both in each others arms. I remember for our fifth month Aniversery it was almost x-mas time like now, i bought xmas lights and everything put it up in my room with candles and made him a special surprise dinner, he came back opened the door and I could just see him melt.

[justwannabehappy]

Its been almost another week now, its has now truely been exactly one month since the start of this break, the sanking into darkness feeling never went away. Its almost as though more and more hurtful secrets just reveals itself to me every day. It's almost as if he doesn't even care about me at all anymore, though he still lives with me I feel like he only returns to sleep and that's all. When I'm busy doing something, I would be alright, but every silent moment is torture. I just found something really unexpected just now. I was putting away some things, his back pack and books, when I accidentally found a condom, one of ours, in his back pack, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK. When we started this break he was the one that said and made the rule clear that we can't sleep w/ anybody else although we could date and kiss. Finding this condom, maybe I'm just stupid but I still trust him, makes me think maybe that he might have cheated on me already. If not, he at least have the thought of it since obviously this condom in his backpack is clearly not meant for me. A similar incident has happened before that made me have the same suspicion. Once, we were gonna 'do it',we had 2 condoms left but then found one missing. He accused of me taking it, (I NEVER DID, WOULD NEVER EVER CONSIDER BEING WITH ANYONE ELSE), we searched for it in the closet but never found it. The next day we went to his parents' house, nobody was there, we did it and he had it since the one left is still at my house. He said he found it in the closet and was sorry of accusing me. I'm not 100% sure that he lied but I did searched the spot where we kept it good and found nothing. He probably had it with him the whole time just like he hide this one in his backpack. The very thought of him thinking about or actually cheating on me shocks me. How can he live w/ himself if he did cheated and knowing that he did, fore I have always loved and treated him beyond perfect. I'm scared that I'm losing hope now. I think the "him" that I felt so deeply in love with is gone maybe a long time ago, the "him" that is left only looks like him but is no longer the same person. When I look upon his face, i thought I know this person who I love so dearly that also loves me, but now, I'm not so sure anymore, I feel like I'm looking into the eyes of a strange. It hurts me to see it. Part on me want to and have tried to just let go and move on, but everytime when I see the our pictures on the wall with the happiest smiles, I would sadly cling on that last tiny bit of hope again. I try not to let any of this get the best of me, but deep down inside I feel like I'm all torned up. A good friend once gave me this quote that I finally now understant:

 

"LOVING SOMEBODY THAT DOESN'T LOVE YOU IS LIKE REACHING FOR A START...YOU KNOW YOU'LL NEVER REACH IT...BUT FOR SOME REASON YOU JUST KEEP TRYING."

[tredulce]

Oh geez, how complex and painful!

 

I think you are thinking the right things about him...it doesn't sound like he is putting forth the emotional effort that he needs to...and it doesn't equal yours. I think you need to put a stop to the situation and thus your pain! You don't need to hurt anymore, you don't need this dead weight on your back. Think of the last time he made you happy....and how frequently he has. It sounds like he wants to break up but is too chicken. You need to take control of the situation and your life. Imagine how it will feel--it might sting, but it will be the best thing you could do.

 

I hope you start to feel better, I feel for you. Good luck , and keep posting. Take care:)