Lauriebell82 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Has anyone ever gotten married in the Catholic church before? If so, what did you do about the issue of living together? (if you did)
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 It shouldn't be an issue, so long as you don't intend on getting married on the altar, including the steps. Seeing as your BF isn't a confirmed Catholic, he can't get married on the altar anyway (only confirmed Catholics can get married on the altar/steps). That said, without being able to get married on the altar, I'm not sure why one would choose to get married in a Catholic church over another demonination (or even non-denominational church), particularly given the length of a Catholic wedding!
JamesM Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 First question, are YOU getting married? You have probably said on another thread. Second, why do you want to get married in a Catholic church? Third, no I did not, but know people who did. I think the issue will differ from priest to priest. Some will require a confession of guilt or more, while others may look past it.
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I think the issue will differ from priest to priest. Some will require a confession of guilt or more, while others may look past it. True. Some priests may also require your fiance either become Catholic, vow to become Catholic, or vow to raise your children as Catholic, to even be married in the church at all. They will also require you to go to a sort of premarital counseling (counseling might be too strong of a word) with the priest, and possibly other couples.
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I should change my comment about the priest... it's probably more of the diocese's rules.
quankanne Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 It shouldn't be an issue, so long as you don't intend on getting married on the altar, including the steps. Seeing as your BF isn't a confirmed Catholic, he can't get married on the altar anyway (only confirmed Catholics can get married on the altar/steps) with all due respect, are you even Catholic, SG? because that is about the biggest piece of misleading baloney I've read regarding what the Church does and doesn't allow, and that doesn't help LB any! laurie, every priest has a different take on things: a more traditional one may tell you that you have to live apart, a more middle-of-the-road one may just say that you need to stop sleeping together (fornicating!) until you are married. if you don't want to blow the whistle about your living arrangements, talk to the deacon or director of family ministries (usually the person in charge of the marriage prep program) and ask him. He can give you a good idea of what Father X or Y will tell you, and advise you along the way. whether or not your guy is Catholic, the traditional Catholic wedding ceremony/liturgy is going to take place simply because you ARE doing it in the church, and it is understood that one or both of you are Catholic. None of this malarkey about him not being allowed before the altar, etc. He's not going to be penalized for not being Catholic, so to speak.
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 quankanne, the difficulty is that there are fundamentalists who are draconian. I had to convert to Catholicism. Wish I hadn't and not because of cessation of my marriage.
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 with all due respect, are you even Catholic, SG? because that is about the biggest piece of misleading baloney I've read regarding what the Church does and doesn't allow, and that doesn't help LB any! With all due respect? You mean, "Without any respect." Yes, I AM Catholic, and I've had several family members marry (or attempt to marry) in a Catholic church, and this has been our experience - in California, Massachusetts, AND Pennsylvania (where LB is). Don't insult me, please. whether or not your guy is Catholic, the traditional Catholic wedding ceremony/liturgy is going to take place simply because you ARE doing it in the church, That's absolutely not true. You can have only a Catholic ceremony (i.e., no communion, just the marriage rights, and no altar) or you can have a Catholic mass (the full enchilada, which requires confirmation). None of this malarkey about him not being allowed before the altar, etc. How incredibly rude of you to say.
blind_otter Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My older sister and her husband got married outside the church, and then later my brother in law went to classes for a year to get confirmed in the catholic church, and then they had their union blessed by the church after the fact. At the Catholic church my family goes to, you have to attend premarital classes for a year prior to being married in the church.
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 The problem is that it becomes a matter of spiritual and emotional blackmail, if one party's family are long-term members of a particular parish. Everyone is at the mercy of that pastor's "beliefs" since it's not as if you can pick and chose, like shopping in a mall.
quankanne Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I quote you here, "Seeing as your BF isn't a confirmed Catholic, he can't get married on the altar anyway (only confirmed Catholics can get married on the altar/steps), and call it malarky. You think I'm being rude, but I still say you're misleading the original poster. If a "confirmed catholic" can get married in the church, doesn't that automatically go to say that this person's spouse-to-be is included in the ceremony? Whether or not he/she is Catholic? the issue of communion is a whole other ball of wax, and in the case of a mixed marriage (or if the bridal couple alerts him to the fact that the family has members from other faith backgrounds), the priest usually announces to the congregation the "rules" for receiving: That only Catholics in good standing are allowed to take Communion, others have the option to come up for a spiritual blessing or remain prayerfully in the pews. We've done that at both my parents' funerals, and I've seen it done in recent years at weddings. I guess they do things differently in my diocese, because I have never heard of a wedding liturgy in which the non-Catholic person is confirmed. That said, here, the policy is to bestow the sacraments of initiation as part of the Christian initiation process, should a non-Catholic desire to join the Church. My older sister and her husband got married outside the church, and then later my brother in law went to classes for a year to get confirmed in the catholic church, and then they had their union blessed by the church after the fact. my sister and her husband did something similar, though she had gotten her previous marriage annulled years before. BIL isn't Catholic, but agreed to have the marriage blessed; because he wasn't interested in converting, their diocese told them they would classify their marriage as a sanatio in radice, or sanation of their vows. From what one of the tribunal priests explained, this has become more common in recent years as the Church has tried to find more ways to help people receive the sacrament. Not every diocese exercises that option, though, which is a shame because it would have been beneficial to someone like you, TBF.
sally4sara Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My ex brother-in-law and his first wife (), had a high catholic mass wedding. They lived together prior to the wedding. How did they handle it? Simple....they lied and said they didn't.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Thanks for the responses. We can def. get married even in the catholic church even though my fiance is not catholic. They just told me that they needed both our baptismal cerficates and letters from family members. SG, what do you mean by the "alter?" I went to a wedding where the bride was catholic and the groom was not and they both knelt at the alter while the priest performed the ceremony. I'm not sure if that's what you meant or not. As far as living together we have no clue what to do. My friend told me that the catholic church cannot deny a couple marriage due to the fact that they are cohabitating. We do have to do precanna classes and all and I know that most of them now integrate a "cohabitation" section into the class. I'm not sure what to do, I really dont want to lie but I don't know what will happen or what they will say about it.
quankanne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 my guess is that they'll cover that topic at the class(es) you'll be taking. one of my friends told me that he and his girlfriend were getting instruction from one of the priests from our parish, a young Irish guy known for being very proper when it comes to the faith. that when Father asked her where she lived, she gave an address. When he asked my friend, he gave the same address. Friend said he though the priest was going to give them hell for living together before marriage, but instead, he just gave them a little smile, shook his head and proceeded with questions. In this case, it was a don't ask-don't tell thing. your priest or deacon may recommend living apart even though they would be in the same residence, abstaining from a sexual relationship; they probably will encourage you to address the issue when you seek the sacrament of reconciliation. Simply because they understand that they've got to be more responsive to the people they serve, rather than hand down an indictment. they WANT you to receive the sacraments and will work with you so that you can ...
allina Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I don't understand why you'd want to get married in a place/organization that condemns your life, choices and relationship. Why would you want to celebrate your day with an institution that wouldn't want to celebrate with/for you unless you lie. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm thrilled for you LB and wish you the best in whatever you chose for your wedding I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to get married in a place where you're not forced to swear to some belief system and have to lie. My parents got married in the Catholic church, basically everyone does in the country they are from. It was really hard for them to find a church that would marry them because my dad is, and was an atheist and wouldn't pretend that he'd convert or start going to church.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 I don't understand why you'd want to get married in a place/organization that condemns your life, choices and relationship. Why would you want to celebrate your day with an institution that wouldn't want to celebrate with/for you unless you lie. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm thrilled for you LB and wish you the best in whatever you chose for your wedding I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to get married in a place where you're not forced to swear to some belief system and have to lie. My parents got married in the Catholic church, basically everyone does in the country they are from. It was really hard for them to find a church that would marry them because my dad is, and was an atheist and wouldn't pretend that he'd convert or start going to church. Yeah, we aren't going to lie. It would be wrong and like our marriage was just a whole sham or something. I told the priest and he didn't seem to care so it should be okay. I guess nowadays they except that everyone who wants to get married catholic is cohabitating.
Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I quote you here, "Seeing as your BF isn't a confirmed Catholic, he can't get married on the altar anyway (only confirmed Catholics can get married on the altar/steps), and call it malarky. You think I'm being rude, but I still say you're misleading the original poster. If a "confirmed catholic" can get married in the church, doesn't that automatically go to say that this person's spouse-to-be is included in the ceremony? Whether or not he/she is Catholic? You misread what I said. I said only confirmed Catholics can get married on the altar. I didn't say in the church itself. I said on the altar. Stepping foot on the altar has profound significance, something only confirmed Catholics are supposed to do. That has been my experience. SG, what do you mean by the "alter?" I went to a wedding where the bride was catholic and the groom was not and they both knelt at the alter while the priest performed the ceremony. I'm not sure if that's what you meant or not. AT the altar, or up ON the altar? They are very, very different. A Catholic mass wedding, is also very different from just a Catholic wedding ceremony. I don't understand why you'd want to get married in a place/organization that condemns your life, choices and relationship. I have to agree with that. Also, have you considered how your BF's family (the Bretheren people) will feel? Do you both have your heart set on a Catholic wedding? A non-demoninational service could be just as beautiful.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 AT the altar, or up ON the altar? They are very, very different. A Catholic mass wedding, is also very different from just a Catholic wedding ceremony. We are having a Catholic mass wedding. I guess the wedding we went to have been at the alter, I assume that's where we will be. Also, have you considered how your BF's family (the Bretheren people) will feel? Yes, I have spoken with his mom about it and she is fine with it. They are okay with my fiance not carrying on the religion. She also said none of his family will have a problem attending a Catholic mass wedding. Do you both have your heart set on a Catholic wedding? A non-demoninational service could be just as beautiful. I would like our children to have a religion and he agrees that faith is important. If you don't get married in the Catholic church you are unable to raise your children Catholic because they do not recognize your marriage or something like that.
Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 If you don't get married in the Catholic church you are unable to raise your children Catholic because they do not recognize your marriage or something like that. Now THAT, I assure you, is absolutely not true. You could both be any religion at all, get married on a remote island, and still raise Catholic children. All the kiddies (or anyone else for that matter) need to do is attend CCD classes, and go through the sacraments (baptism, confession, communion, and confirmation). How do I know? My single mother had me baptized in a Catholic church, and I was raised Catholic. (I have a Jewish biological father.) My mother also was baptized in a Catholic church, and raised Catholic, despite the fact that her parents were married before the justice of the peace, and my granddad wasn't Catholic.
sb129 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 LB- I agree with Allina mostly, but that is me projecting my beliefs (or lack thereof) onto you more than anything, I am an atheist as is my H and we had a civil ceremony. I would still go to a Catholic wedding though, and have done in the past, of couples who cohabited. They all had no problems and all said that the pre- marriage classes were really worthwhile because they make you address potential issues that may come up after you are married.
Ariadne Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Has anyone ever gotten married in the Catholic church before? If so, what did you do about the issue of living together? (if you did) I got married in the Catholic church to a Jewish guy, and I never heard of such a thing as not standing on the steps... what?? (we did). All they asked was to expose the children to Catholicism (not convert but expose), and they didn't care if we lived together or not. You do need a proof of baptism though.
Storyrider Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I went through the Catholic marriage prep with my H and they never came right out and asked whether we were living together. (Ironically, we were, but without having sex ) We didn't get married in the Church, but that was our choice as a couple. We had to get two Papal dispensations--permission to be married by a rabbi. After that we had a blessing mass in the Church.
Ariadne Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 We had to get two Papal dispensations-- You got a Papal dispensation? From the Pope himself? I can't believe it.. Those things are impossible almost.
Storyrider Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Sorry, that came out wrong. Not from the Pope himself. From the Bishop. But they were authorized by the Church, to make it official that our marriage would be accepted by the Church even though we were not married by a priest, and we were married in a hotel instead of a physical church.
Ariadne Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 to make it official that our marriage would be accepted by the Church even though we were not married by a priest Aww...
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