going out 9 mths ..on hold...then friends...now he says were dating after we had sex

[imjustagirl]

I don't know how many of you were paying attention to my own life crisis last week....but here's the short run-down.

 

Boyfriend of almost 9 months (missed it by less than a week) decided on Oct 23 that our relationship needed to be put on "hold" because he wasn't doing the job he needed at work and at school. (full time job plus 16 credit hours of physics/math).

 

Of course I bawled...like a freaking baby. He was practically living with me.

 

On Oct 26 we talk and he says that we should be "friends" because he didn't want a woman in his life right now.....of course I bawled like a freakin baby again, because it felt as if he had broken up with me...again.

 

We exchanged emails thoughout the week at work (we work at the same medical facility) and we waved at each other....even caught him catching glances of me just staring at me with this sad longing face. He even called me a few times...talking for almost 20 minutes...which isn't normal for him, he was never really a phone talker.

 

Well...he came over on Oct 31st to help me clean our 55 gallon fish tank that we had gotten together.

 

He got there and decided that he had forgotten the filters and wanted to clean it saturday morning...I was okay with this. Then he took off his coat and sat down and just started talking. It was good. Then we had noticed that one of the fish was sick...so we rushed to the pet store to find the medicine for him and came back and decided to clean the fish tank as he had purchased the filters anyway...

 

We cleaned the fish tank and we sat down to talk again and he wanted to know about when he could pick up the things that he had in the apartment, because that Monday I had thrown a hissy fit and told him I didn't want his sh*t in my place.

 

He then got up and put his coat on....and I told him that I thought that was kind of final and that I was thinking about it and if he wanted to work this out....like he had said on Sunday (we can be friends, get to know each other, and if things go in the direction they were in the first place, that's the way it should of been)...that he could leave his stuff here in the box that I had put them in.

 

Then, I started crying. He puts his arms around me and gives me a big hug, and took off his coat.

 

In the middle of my crying I go...you have no idea how much I miss you...miss the way you look at me, miss the way you talk to me...miss the way we do things together.

 

And he goes...I've missed you a lot too...you've been on my mind a lot lately....

 

Then...the next thing I know, we're KISSING...then he starts to take off my shoes and socks...and I asked him if he's sure...because friends don't do this...and he goes...I'm sure...and I know they don't...

 

Well...we ended up having some really great sex...for about 45 minutes to an hour. When we were both finished, we were just laying snuggled together on the bed like we had done a billion times before and he goes...I think we should try it your way.

 

Meaning...I had told him on the 23rd and 26th that we didn't have to be "boyfriend/girlfriend" if that's what was bothering him because of his comment he didn't want to be attached to anybody right now...that we could be an exclusive couple who dates...who sees each other a few times a week.

 

So we got dressed...talked a little bit more on what just happened and if this is really the way he wanted it to go...and he said that we'd try it...he just wants to be happy because he hadn't been happy for a month or so...and that he wanted his space.

 

So I asked him what exactly he ment by space....and he said just some space...time to our selves. (which we hadn't been doing...we were spending everyday together...every spare moment together...he would even do homework at my house). And I agree'd that self-space was a good thing.

 

Then he gets up to leave, I get a hug and a kiss and he says that he'll talk to me later and that he was going to leave his stuff here, because we were "dating" but not to bring any of it out just as yet, because he wanted to take things slow.

 

On Saturday....he calls and leaves a voicemail saying...ooh sorry, thought I was calling my brothers, see you later...peace.

 

Later Saturday night he calls to remind me to give the fish his medicine and to let me know what show he was watching on tv...then said that he'd see me later again.

 

Well, around 11:30 I get a phone call from work that required me to run into the office and reset some servers and I hopped in the car and drove by his house (it's on the main route I've been taking to work for the past 2 years)...his car wasn't there.

 

I run in, reset the servers, make sure everything is working okay, call a couple users to be sure...and drive home...it's 12:15 - 12:30..he's home...so I'm not sure whether or not to trust the fact that we're "dating exclusivley." (I've been cheated on before so I'm a little weary of guys and space)

 

So I'm not sure where things are going....Are we back together? Are we still friends who just had sex? Do I ask him in either situation what he's been doing with himself when I'm not around? (I offer what I've been doing just part of conversation) Do I call him and ask him if he wants to go do something since we haven't seen each other since Friday?

 

Ugh...soo confused. If anybody could give me some insight, that'd be great.

 

~justa~

[imjustagirl]

Well...I don't know if I made the right decision or not...but I felt that he had to know.

 

The fish that was sick...well...passed away.

 

So I called him to let him know that OUR favorite fish/child had died.

 

Then he went on to say that we would get another fish in a couple weeks. (Something that we had always done TOGETHER as a "couple").

 

Then I brought up that if he wanted to, we could do something sometime...and he goes, yeah, I've still got all that Trig to do, but I think we should do something later TODAY...just figure out what you want to do and I'll call you later.

 

So now I'm thinking that he really wants to try this whole dating thing again, but I can't be sure. I guess I'll have to see how he reacts to me when he see's me later....but then I'll doubt I'll really be sure until we've done this a few hundred thousand times.

 

So now I have to figure out what we're going to do...as it's left up to me. Do I ask him if he wants to go get something to eat....a movie...go to the museum (we used to do that when were dating).....

 

Then another question...do I pay because I asked him if he wanted to do something sometime and he said later today....or does he pay...or do we pay seperatly......

 

Ugh...you'd think being 23 years old I'd have this whole thing figured out by now....but I suppose since I'm going to say he was my real true love...and all the other guys I've went out with cheated on me...I'm not sure how to even react to this one..

 

Again...any advice...suggestions...comments to help me along would be great.

 

~justa~

[2cents]

I do believe that there is no power in the title "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" outside of a common understanding of what that means. Here, you have a guy that you have agreed is not your boyfriend though you two are supposed to be exclusive. If exclusivity is the only criterion, then it does not sound like you have what you want. Even if he is not seeing other people, you ACTUALLY do want to spend more time with him than you are. Plus, it seems like you want to be able to have expectations about when and how you'll see each other, how you'll talk to each other etc. which you seem scared to have now because you're not his "girlfriend". Your situation is going to get old fast because you want the common understanding of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship; you want substantial time together even if not as much as before and you don't want to be casual about your relationship. Either you should sit with him and go through the trouble of spelling out other details of your new "unrelationship", tell him you changed your mind and want boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, or cut your losses. Don't settle. You'll end up feeling cheated. Hope this helped.

[Iamhappy]

I had told him on the 23rd and 26th that we didn't have to be "boyfriend/girlfriend" if that's what was bothering him because of his comment he didn't want to be attached to anybody right now...that we could be an exclusive couple who dates...who sees each other a few times a week.

 

Maybe I'm mistaken here, but isn't this what boyfriends and girlfriends do with each other? I think you're kidding yourself here and so is he. Even if you don't call yourself bf/gf, you are both engaging in behaviour that makes you bf/gf.

 

I think his "willingness" to "try it your way" speaks volumes about his selfishness. Should you once again break up, he is absolved of blame and responsibility. He could always say it was your idea. Not his fault things didn't work out. Besides, you were just "dating."

 

So now I'm thinking that he really wants to try this whole dating thing again, but I can't be sure. I guess I'll have to see how he reacts to me when he see's me later....but then I'll doubt I'll really be sure until we've done this a few hundred thousand times.

 

I don't think his wishy-washiness is going to bode well for you in the long run. It's not going all that well for you now.

 

Perhaps it's time to dump him.

[DVNPRT6]

It sounds like youre not gettin everything YOU want and in time it will hurt more and more..You relly have to sit down and talk with him to see where u two really do stand..