I wanted to be single forever.

[marcsmolenski]

ATTENTION *LONG POST!!!*

 

Hey guys, I am BRAND new to a LDR AND along with this site.. Well I am going to introduce myself, my name is Marc and I am currently living in Michigan.

 

Here is my story: I play this game called World of Warcraft (some of you may know what I am talking about), basically one of my outside-of-work activities is playing this virtual game. I was content in being single the rest of my life because I didnt think I could meet a girl who would understand my gaming habits. Ironically I met this girl on this game because we partnered up before but then unbenounced to me I thought it was a guy but it turned out was a girl I found out later on.

 

Well as time went on I found myself more frequently partnering up with her among others and eventually started to private chat in game with her. So we hit it off really really good I.E we were and still are so comfortable talking and sharing our feelings. So she decides to give me her phone # one day and I thought oh how fun I should call her.

 

So I called her during a night and something happened to my life that never happened before. This feeling aroused inside of me out of nowhere,,,(you know that feeling that you knew someone forever...welll this feeling was I am going to be with this person forever.)

 

Something inside told me to tell her about how I was feeling so I did but with precaution statements like dont freak out if I tell you this or please dont run away from me but after I cautioned her I told her I think I love her and want to be with her the rest of my life.

 

I told her basically what I was feeling and then there was silence.. OMG she was crying! She was crying because she told me she knew I was her husband the first time she heard me speak on a program that my guild uses to communicate with its members. WOW!!!

 

So things really started off and now for the most part going well as well. Umm FYI I met her around 3 months ago. So at first we used to talk on the phone ALL the time but the longer it went on she wasnt really answering her phone calls but not at all ignoring me we would talk in game and send texts everyday but very small not even conversation texts but enough to know we love each other and care about each other.

 

Things have been going really well and I am flying out to see her on July 7th..until the 14th in her city (Pheonix,AZ). Basically I am posting because Ive brought up I would like more conversation between us and it has been getting better BUT lately it seems like we dont have any undivided attention one on one time, which I think is crucial to any meaningful relationship.

 

I am asking for advice on if this is a matter I should bring up during the course of our first week long meeting? Ive read some ideas about using skype to see and interact with each other and something inside of me REALLY wants to start utilizing Skype for just one on one time together. Do you think its unreasonable to ask her for one on one time whether its skype or the phone. Lately it seems like Ive been sharing her with other people and not really getting any kind of one on one time with her. BUT never the less SHE is a different kind of person and has been abused sexually by her last BF.

 

Any comments tips questions etc would be GREATLY appreciated!

 

P.S: I loved this girl even without knowing what she looked like but after seeing tons of pics and she seeing my pics we are both very much physically attracted as well. -Just thought that was important to throw in!

-Marc

[Maggs]

Welcome Marc to LS! I hope you find this site helps you a lot.

 

First of all, IMO I'm a bit reluctant to believe in any "real love" until you actually meet a person face to face and spending real time with them. You could easily meet up with her and despite getting along great on the phone, there could be no attraction. And I don't mean that you don't find her cute, because obviously you do. But I mean a real attraction to each other.

 

She could be quite quiet because she's nervous before your upcoming visit. I think it would rather be better to have some chance to speak to her either via webcam or skype before you go. Even if just to talk about what your plans are for your visit.

 

I would tread cautiously though. I know love like this can and does happen, but you won't know how you truly feel for each other until you spend time together.

 

Good luck!

[Island Girl]

Hi Marc -- Welcome to The Shack;) and our little LDR community.

 

I believe there are several people here - or at least some have popped in - who met their SO just like you did - online - and even some who met in WOW.

 

I agree that in order for your relationship to develop you need one on one communication. This is a definite not a strong recommendation.

It also helps, especially in an LDR, to have as much open and honest communication as possible.

 

From your post it doesn't sound as though she was shy in the beginning. And the two of you have met in person - I assume that went well (???).

 

I hate to say it but usually when there is a drop off of this kind it is because the other person is losing interest.

It could just be that you are in need of a visit and need that chemistry reignited.

I don't know.

But the way you address this is important.

It is best not to get into an insecure place. I am not sure how you have been with the lack of contact. But don't get needy.

 

You have got to realize that no matter what you have said or committed to -- you must be willing to walk away from poor treatment.

This is the same for EVERYBODY on the planet.

 

If you are not getting your needs met or you are being treated with disrespect - first you address it - and if there is no improvement you do not stay and stay and stay hoping it will change by some miracle.

 

Now, in your specific case, you are saying that you still communicate that you love each other, etc.

 

If you are getting "I love you" texts but she isn't answering the phone and not making time to talk to you then her actions speak far more as far as her feelings go.

There is the saying "actions speak louder than words".

And her actions are screaming dude.

 

I would have a HUGE problem with my husband not answering the phone or communicating one on one with me. I would have every right to do so - and you can bet if it continued on a regular basis (because I have no problem addressing these kinds of issues *boom* when they happen) you can bet I'd walk.

 

My husband is the most important person in my life.

And I am the most important person in his.

If either of those things changed we'd be over.

 

She is not making you a priority. In fact you are kind of far down on that list from what it sounds like.

 

It doesn't have to stay that way. But if it does then you have to re-prioritize as well and erase her name from your list. Does that translate?

 

How To -- when you bring this up - it should be:

 

"I call and you don't answer and we don't really talk anymore. What is going on?"

 

 

1. If she discloses why this has been the case or the two of you talk through it and agree upon the change in your communication level (yes there should be much more) then skip past section 2 of this post .

 

2. If she doesn't have much to say about it or starts feeding excuses the absolute BEST thing you can do is say, "I thought we were on the same page and felt the same way but clearly your feelings have changed. I am not being treated the way I should be. This being the case - it's over."

 

2a. BECAUSE the only way it is going to work is gaining some respect back and letting her know you will not take scraps. That what you give her can be taken away if you leave. And that she has to show you attention and make time for the relationship just like you do.

 

2b. THEN if she snaps out of it and contacts you to "talk" then you need to draw a deep uncrossable line that the two of you communicate regularly and talk about everything. That includes doubts, insecurities, etc.

You set the expectation that BOTH of you adhere to.

Back on track.

 

2c. If she doesn't contact you it is over - has been over as far as she's concerned - she just didn't share that with you. When someone checks out of the relationship there is no way to make them come back or feel as they did before. You just have to take your self respect and end it.

 

 

 

BUT I really don't think you'll do that.

I think, because you are convinced that the small texts you get mean she is still there and thinking as she always has, and in my experience if you are still hanging on to this then you will hang on.

 

If that is the case then you still need to talk to her. So I still advocate the beginning of the "how to" section of this post to get the conversation started.

And then post here and let us know how it goes.

 

I do wish you the best possible outcome.

 

 

FYI -- please don't bold your entire post. As stated in the guidelines it makes it tough to read.

But thank you for using paragraphs.

[Island Girl]

BTW Marc -

 

You sound fairly young and I am shocked that you wanted to be single forever.

As you have experienced a romantic relationship brings a lot to your life.

 

Sometimes things don't work out but it is always worth the experience and lessons learned.

 

Please know that I hope you and this girl do work it out.

But if it doesn't end up happening then I hope you do not withdraw from romantic possibility completely.

 

You just never know when or where that "forever" connection will happen.

 

I met my husband when I was 31 years old.

I am happy beyond happiness and we have an extremely strong relationship.

 

But I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince!!!

[marcsmolenski]

Thanks for the tips and also the tip about not making my posts BOLD lol. Well we have not yet met in person... our first meeting is on July 7th-14th!!! WOO. But maybe I made it sound worse than it really is. I still get "time" with her and we do text/private message on a daily basis and SOME of it is beyond platonic going into our feelings and sharing our days experience and what not.

 

My problem is that I want more one on one time. I mentioned that to her tonight in some texts and she said she agrees and will call me tomorrow. But I do know and she has told me she is VERY introverted and does NOT like to talk on the phone (which I am going to make sure changes cause I agree its just not right to NOT simply speak on the phone or some form of undivided attention. See the thing about texts that bother me is that they are a very broken form of communication... What I mean is in my experience so far we will chit chat and then sometimes I will make a comment waiting for a response or even worse a question waiting for an answer and sometimes I wont get a response until hours later (i.E not my opinion of undivided attention) or sometimes not a response at all.

 

My gut is telling me to go down there and lay these things out on the table if we want to pursue anything meaningful because I agree 1 on 1 communication MUST happen otherwise we are just acquiantences. BUT she has mentioned in the past like very recent past that she will try calling at least twice a week which is OKAY. What I want is a combination of phone calls and Skype.

 

And to the above poster I disagree I know plenty of people that have fell in love starting in long distance and are now married for years with kids. Love does not have boundaries nor is it a science. But sorry for the digression.... I believe we both are committed to making it work that I think we will make a plan to have more 1 on 1 time and Island girl if she refuses, yes that does tell me that I am not even close to top priority.

 

Thank you all so much.

P.S I hope I clarified a little more..... my point is the communication is there its just not totally one on one and if it is its always interupted by other people in WoW or just daily life mostly on her end. BUT its not as bad as you guys might interpret. I am 25 years old and yes I suppose that is too young to give up.

 

-Marc

[Rollercoasterr]

Marc, finding love like you have IS possible, but it is highly unlikely. It is a rarity.

 

I got lucky. My situation worked out. But it was VERY messy in the beginning, and almost didn't make it. But I hold firm to my belief that he is THE ONE. I knew that from the moment I first talked to him.

 

In the end, I think that until you meet her for the first time that you need to be suspicious of everything. Not because you dont trust her, but because you need to be safe. And so does she. Meeting people you've met on the internet is a tricky business. I was nervous as hell the first time I met my fiance. I had been talking to him and had been head over heels in love with him for 4 years, but I still had that "what if" going on in the back of my head. I was SO relieved that the person I fell in love with was the person that was standing in front of me!

 

Good luck!

[marcsmolenski]

That is what I believe... That SHE is the ONE.. I also KNEW that the moment we first talked. I am only following my heart... and I have an obligation to pursue her this is not curiousity or infatuation or games. I want to spend the rest of my life with her from the moment I talked to her. She pretty much had me at hello LOL. And NO I was not looking for this.. I wanted to be a single gamer and I was happy with myself.

[Island Girl]

Okay from your second explanation it isn't as bad as my first impression.

 

If she doesn't like talking on the phone then the Skype idea is the best one.

Several use that here and it is GREAT from what I hear.

They play games together online (not WOW where there are other people) or watch movies together - both pressing play at the same time which you could do with Netflix - and that way it is just her sitting and talking like she would to anyone in person.

Some accommodation has to be made on her side.

 

I am so glad you had favorable communication.

 

I hate texting as a way of regular communication.

 

I do not think it should be used for that nor do I think it should be used in a budding relationship.

 

It should be used for "stuck in traffic, running late" or "please pick up bread and milk on your way home".

 

As you said there are texts that go unanswered for hours even if they are questions, etc.

 

You can't hear tone or always establish the context. It is just a very poor way to communicate.

 

My husband is LD. And I can tell from the way he says something what his mood is, if it shifts, whatever.

I also can here his voice in my head because I know it so well.

So when I do get letters (and they are the snail mail kind!) I can hear his voice saying the words I am reading.

I can also imitate him including the accent DEAD ON.

 

Sharing something intimate like feelings and innermost thoughts, etc. is much harder over the phone but SOOO worth it because of the level of intimacy and trust built.

I can truly tell my husband anything and I do mean anything and I know it is "safe" to do so.

I know he'll listen, empathize, share as well, or comfort me as need be.

 

I am sorry for my mistake in thinking you met in person already.

 

I read through the thread and see that Maggs got that part while I didn't.

She was right in telling you that nervousness can be a big thing before the first meeting.

It is stressful and worrisome. Try to talk about that with each other -- and do not put the pressure on. DO talk about the possibility of meeting and having there be no chemistry (because it CAN happen).

 

CHEERS!

[Rollercoasterr]

Then I wish you all the best in the world. It sounds like you are really sure, and I think that's sweet.

 

Just DO be careful.

 

My fiance and I weren't looking for anything either. How we met is kind of weird, and as crazy as it sounds I think it was one of those meant to be things. My best friend was looking for new people to talk to on ICQ(back when it was cool), and she found him and added him through my username. He didn't usually add people like that, but he said that he just decided to on a whim. We spent that entire night talking, and I remember telling him that it was daylight outside and I should get in the bed and all he said was, "Well what if I dont want you to go?". I was hooked right then. No turning back. And I haven't.

 

Can't say that it hasnt been a hard road for us though. But this past year being back together has been bliss.

[DiamondClear]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

ok sorry im good now... heeehmmm

so yah basicly..... you should just ask her if she has msn (or other, yahoo etc).. then exchange msns then just say hey, talk to her more on msn then WOW.. talk about things you like.. interests whats happening and stuff (day to day). and for the sexually abused part.. holy hell i have no clue.. mostly id let her tell you that when shes up to it... id just avoid that completely.. trust me you probly will wish she hadnt told you after she does. other then that continue like it was a normal relationship, make adjustments when you see fit. apologize for everything. Remember a women is always right if you want to keep her and wrong if you dont.

personally id use xfire for one on one chat and skype for webcam.