Book-length pain, confusion, and guilt

[Coffee13]

I am 22 and my 22 yr old fiance ended our relationship a couple months ago when I started graduate school (crappy timing!!!) We had been together for over a year in the most serious relationship either of us ever had. He would always say that 'I was an inspiration and blessing to his life, that I was his world, that he never loved anyone like he loved me, that I was most important, he couldn't wait to wake up to me every morning, he couldn't wait for us to have children together'. Even after the break up, he said I was an inspiration but it seemed somehow he'd gotten tired of me, tired of fighting (even though we hadn't fought in months), and tired of being in a relationship is what I think it came down to. I try not to take it super-personally even though parts of it obviously were personal...We had conflicts even some serious differences that stand out and feel like daggers now but as far as I knew we were happy and we were both committed to being together until he broke up with me by surprise. He didn't tell me he was unhappy or thinking that our relationship was no longer working for him until 2 days before breaking up with me. In the last weeks, I'd noticed him suddenly being mean to me but he said he was sorry for that, took responsibility for it and that it wasn't my fault And that he still wanted to be with me and marry me. Even when he broke up with me, at first he was still saying he wanted to be with me though now he doesn't feel that way.

In our relationship,we had many conversations about what we mean when we say we're committed, how we define love etc. I am not a woman that lacks faith in men; I realize it can be hard for men and women to really grasp what forever means. Still, I am angry that he took our relationship to that next level by getting on one knee with a ring in August and by September "something had changed". I guess I feel like he was insincere in the first place, like if he wanted to be in a trivial boyfriend/girlfriend relationship 'thing' which you simply end when you feel the slightest uncomfortable, he never should have proposed! What do you guys think? Is it unreasonable to expect that a person be certain they want to be married not only before they say "I do" but before they ask a person?

I guess my other issues are that I've been feeling guilty about my role in our conflicts and I've been blaming myself for not seeing that he was unhappy (even if it was sudden, not that I fully believe that). I keep questioning whether I pushed him away somehow. I keep thinking 'what if I had did this or that', 'what if I would've been a better fiance'...I question myself so much/so many things about me, I end up essentially thinking 'we could have worked if only I'd been someone other than me'..Then I just get pissed and think 'No, he could have told me he was unhappy when he started feeling that way if he really wanted to be fair to me and honest with me. I am sure he didn't want to work on our relationship even though he took me through that song and dance for like 2 days before he just ended it because he left me only 2 days to somehow perform a miracle and make him happy again. He basically came to me with a decision he had made and gave me a crappy chance to 'change' his made up mind.

It is hard for me to think we were just incompatible. It is hard for me to accept he simply had his own issues that he needed to resolve even outside of the relationship even though in the very end, he said he needed to focus on school and self-growth and all these things I could never control.

To add insult, he wanted to be my friend. I miss and love him still so it was tempting. Still, I am thinking 'we were supposed to be husband and wife' and now you want the benefit of my friendship when I am in so much pain and I still want to be with you. (I am glad he showed me he couldn't commit to me before the wedding but it still hurts). I tried to be his friend for awhile but found that I was not being a good friend because I didn't truly want to be a friend, I wanted things as they were/to be in love again. He told me he still loves me but he's just not sure about whether he'll ever be able to maintain a relationship and he's not sure about us...he's sure he wants to date other people in the future but has no plans right now because he thinks he'll end up unsure again. Is he really confused or just tired or me?Thank God, he's not seeing anyone already or I'd go crazy which is part of the reason I wouldn't be his friend...I didn't want to be around when he felt confident about finding someone new. I couldn't imagine being introduced to a girl he began dating as an old friend or some crap like that. His last words (bear in mind we've had several conversations since the break up) were that the only way he thinks he'll know whether we are meant to be together is if he looks back with regret someday. Just a few weeks ago, he still did regret breaking up me but now I guess he's healing so he doesn't feel that way anymore. My thought is that you won't magically regret leaving someone "someday" when you haven't been in touch or investing in a relationship with that person. Do you? There will be so many buffer relationships and distractions in betweeen esp. when you're talking about years plus in life you can fall for more than one person/love again. I think that people go out and meet someone new and even if that doesn't work, the cycle is that you always miss the last one you were with not an 'old person'. Which leads me to another question that I wonder about...Do you guys believe in being friends with someone after a break up on the chance that 'in due time' and 'if it's meant to be' they'll realize you were really "the one"? Or did I have it right when I decided to cut my losses and not keep trying to be friends hoping someday he'd want to start over?

 

And another question: Is it possible for a man that is confused generally about life and relationships to not be confused about being in a relationship with a particular woman? Can you love a confused man enough to make him sure about you? Is it a woman's fault if a man becomes confused?

[tredulce]

Your situation has so many feelings wrapped up in it, it must be so confusing.

 

I'm only 20 and I've never had a relationship as serious as that, but I have dated a guy who was fine being in a relationship, but never wanted a serious commitment. He'd break up with me because he didn't want to prolong agony that would eventuall occur when I wanted to get married and he didn't. Finally, we were back together and I dumped HIM. He wasn't in control and it was up to me if he'd ever get me back...lo and behold he sorted out his marriage issues and we're happy now. But it took that jolt to make him realize it.

 

In my view, you need to give him a jolt. He's broken up with you, but you need to not be his friend and drop out of his life to make him realize what hsi life really is like without you in it. That's the only way to help him figure things out, and to help you be less confused. THis scenario gives you some control over your own fate and your own existence, which will help the confusion and it will help his confusion also.

 

Good luck and keep posting:)

[Coffee13]

Yeah, I found it really hard to leave him alone at first so he definitely did not get a jolt when he broke up with me rather he got me begging. I have regret about the way things might have played out if he'd had that jolt from the start...as time passed with me still saying 'I love you and want to work it out' he realized more concretely that he did not want to be in a relationship including with me. So, I think to myself "if when he broke up with me, I cut him off 100% would he have come running back? "but then I think that in my heart of hearts, I don't want a man that I have to convince or trick into being with me. I feel like I had every right to respond with shock and hurt and that it was normal for me to cling at least at first. I also feel that if he had wanted to return to me, he would have regardless of how I behaved (after all I didn't treat him badly afterwards just expressed my pain). It took me weeks to not contact him, then he did contact me but he wanted to see how I was doing and be my friend. So, this time I have cut him off for good and I'm not going to allow myself to contact him for at least a year if ever. Thanks for responding. I'm glad you have a happy ending. How long did it take?

 

Plus, I think I have more bitterness because we weren't simply dating and because he promised that he wanted to be with me forever, the whole nine. I think it would be easier to forgive him and reach out even if only to be friends if we hadn't been engaged.

 

I've still been reflecting on things he said toward the end...there were things we did not like about each other but the things he didn't like he told me he'd been testing me to see if I would change and when I didn't he became less motivated, which pisses me off because nobody's perfect, I did so much for him, and love shouldn't keep score or test. When you're testing someone that's the same as waiting for them to mess up. And when you wait for someone to mess up, all you see is when they mess rather than all the times they don't. Ex. He wanted me to not get frustrated in his presence when I lose things ex. a CD or to be willing to just stop looking for something I lost to hug him immediately. Bear in mind, I do not have an anger problem or anything, it just bugs me to lose things or to be focused on something I can't figure out. There were many times when I let my compulsion to search for something that was lost go and I did hug him but as soon as I slipped up and couldn't help but to keep searching he took it super personally and said that I would never change. I tried to change things that hurt him/quirks about my personality that he took personally but you are who are way before you meet someone and fall in love so it's hard plus again nobody is going to be perfect. He couldn't stop cursing 100% for me or stop his road rage. It's just really saddening that someone I loved so much and someone who I never held back from didn't even give me a heads up about leaving. He knew I wouldn't leave him esp. after we became engaged but he left just like that. Then too, although I complained about things about him sometimes, he never doubted I loved him (his words) and ultimately, I always accepted him. At the end of the day, he couldn't even accept me. Nothing good I had done mattered, my loyalty didn't matter, and how much I loved him didn't matter. I went from being his "world" and having his "heart" to being expendable. Suddenly, he was telling me that he was deeply hurt by me and I didn't have a clue. I am wondering, when did I hurt you, how did I hurt you, I never meant to hurt you, I always tried to love you. I am really having a tough time accepting that I couldn't do more than best or give more than my best and that it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough anymore. I could be good enough that he didn't want to lose my friendship but not that he didn't want to end the relationship. Part of me felt he was fishing for reasons to leave me because he couldn't even do it without sobbing as hard as I was. Maybe he stopped believing in me but I tried and I know there were great things about me to believe in.

[tredulce]

I think your reaction was really natural, totally, and it would have been really strange and unhealthy if you hadn't reacted teh way you did. I mean, he said he wanted to be with you forever and then renegged on the whole thing!! He sounds foolish, honestly. He sounds almost too logical for his own good. Yes, there are always going ot be things about every other person that drive ya nuts, but the point of love is that it DOES overlook that. It's a shame he didn't realize that...and it's definitely his loss.

 

I was glad for my happy ending. We weren't as far into things as you (not even close--about one year)...so the turn around was pretty quick on his behalf. As soon as I broke up with him he started sobbing...then he sent me about 8 emails a day and called and stopped by constantly pouring out his heart about the things he'd realized. He's the most sincere person he'd ever met, and I knew he meant those things truly. After about a week of this...I took him back. I missed him, and he'd dealt with his (our) biggest issue. It's been great ever since.

 

I hope that this guy regrets what he's done to you, which sounds mean, but really. And, I think it's really good he realized this stuff now rather than later. Keep posting if you have anything else, and good luck dealing with all this fallout:)