Unequally yoked from the beginning?

[Coffee13]

I'm writing a shorter version of events than my last post in hopes that I'll get a response. I'm 22. My ex fiance is 22. We dated for over a year and were engaged for 4 months. He broke up with me 3 months ago when I started grad school. I was absolutely devastated and depressed. He is in undergrad still but said it didn't matter. We did have differences in needs (sex was big issue!) and fights but had not in awhile plus he did not tell me he was unhappy and thinking of breaking up until he had made the decision to break up/ until I had basically no chance of working it out with him. It was like I went from being beautiful and wonderful to him to being a burden and source of frustration. When breaking up, at first he had a list of complaints about me. Then he had a list of complaints about being in a relationship period. He is unsure about us and unsure he'll ever be able to maintain a relationship. This was both of our longest and most serious relationship. He says he loves me still but something changed. He wanted to be friends but recently I cut him off because for me it's too hard to go from being engaged/scheduled to be husband and wife with plans for years to come to being simply friends. He said he needed out of the relationship not the friendship. I'm told that sometimes being a friend/giving time can give a person the time they need to realize what a mistake he/she made. I couldn't take that risk (the risk that I could not let go 100% and he may or may not come back) because when he does feel confident about dating, he doesn't want to just start over with me, he wants to sample new women and relationships.

 

My issues: 1) I second guess and blame myself for our conflicts and think 'if only I'd done this or that' or 'if I had listened to something he was trying to say or some sign I missed' we could be together; I fear I pushed him away or didn't love him right

2) I am angry that he asked me to marry him and then lacked committment even though we'd talked over and over about how we define love and how we think committment does not magically appear when you say 'I do" if it was not there before hand.

 

My questions: 1)Should I be blaming myself for missing something or failing in some way or should I accept that we may have been incompatible and I just couldn't see it?

 

2)The big one: Is it possible for a woman to love a man enough to make him not confused about a relationship with her even if he's generally confused about relationships? Is it her fault if a man becomes confused?

 

3) Is it unreasonable for me to expect a person to be sure about marriage before they get on bended knee?

 

4) Is it possible to just go through the motions of being able to have a beautiful healthy relationship for over a year? Is it possible that what we shared was his acting capable of a relationship and mature love rather than really being capable of a relationship and mature love?

 

5) Quasi-trivial: If I am a bad person to be with, why would he want to be my friend? When a person breaks up with you does it mean you're a bad person to be with?

 

 

Note: Family backgrounds: My parents are still married though there was infidelity and turmoil, now they are both saved and loving (hence I think my belief in sticking through hard times as inevitably relationships have them). I have good relationships with both my parents.

He came from a pretty broken home and has poor relationships with both his parents.

[Tony T]

1. "1)Should I be blaming myself for missing something or failing in some way or should I accept that we may have been incompatible and I just couldn't see it?"

 

Don't blame yourself for anything. Your guy is simply confused and has serious issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you. I know it still hurts.

 

2. "The big one: Is it possible for a woman to love a man enough to make him not confused about a relationship with her even if he's generally confused about relationships?"

 

No, love has nothing to do with it. Other people don't even feel the love you feel for them. It's almost hard for you to express it and hard for them to understand the depth so just stick with nice Hallmark Cards. No matter how much you love him, he's not going to feel what you feel. He will continue to be just as screwed up. He need massive doses of psychotherapy, not more love from you. You gave him ample love.

 

3. " Is it her fault if a man becomes confused?"

 

Not at all, no more than it's a woman's fault if there's a deficit in the national budget.

 

4. "Is it unreasonable for me to expect a person to be sure about marriage before they get on bended knee?"

 

It is unreasonable to expect or demand anything. However, it is rather irrational to marry somebody unless you are absolutely sure that's what they want to do more than anything else. Yes, that would be kind of nice.

 

5. "Is it possible to just go through the motions of being able to have a beautiful healthy relationship for over a year? Is it possible that what we shared was his acting capable of a relationship and mature love rather than really being capable of a relationship and mature love?"

 

People aren't acting at that stage. People from dysfunctional families just sort of go into a mode where they try like hell, a lot more than usual. But they can't keep it up. Evenutally the dysfunction kicks in. They get scarred of what they've created because it's all too different, all to calm, not enough chaos, etc. People like this guy seek love for themselves but get very uneasy when they find it and subconsciously do whatever it takes to sabotage it. (Even people from nice families are at best behavior in the initial stages of a relationship. If they weren't, you couldn't get sucked in. That's why you've got to watch their every move to see if you can discover the real person early on...or just wait a good while before you fall in a major way.

 

6. "If I am a bad person to be with, why would he want to be my friend?"

 

Guilt, one. But he probably still loves you a great deal. But being apart romantically is not a threat to his fears. Being engaged...and being married...is scarry as hell for somebody from his particular background. It's like going to another planet for the first time. If you want this guy, you've got to take baby steps over many years. I don't think it's worth it and you aren't guaranteed positive results. Now, if you can get him into counselling...with a great, competent therapist...and he's willing to do the work, he can heal from his earlier years over a period of time.

7. "When a person breaks up with you does it mean you're a bad person to be with?"

 

No, where would you get some crap like that??? People break up every second but that doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them the wrong person. In your case, your ex will never find the right person unless she is from a dysfunctional family and will keep some emotional distance and not be threatening to him. He may find his match but unless he gets help he'll have to find a lady who is just as screwed up as he is.

 

You need to be a bit more careful about the guys you fall for. If they come from screwed up family backgrounds, you're going out of the starting gate with your hands and feet tied.

[moimeme]

I would only add to Tony's excellent reply that you should not have to do all the thinking and communication in a relationship. You are asking if you should have been able to understand everything going on in his head. That leaves him with no responsibility to communicate with you about what he thinks or feels. Relationships like that are doomed to failure. This was not your fault. Next time, don't settle for a fellow who doesn't communicate.